I am not sure at this point what to do. I am hoping some of you have some ideas. My mother has been battling dementia and alzheimer's for several years now. My father is in complete denial - does not think she needs to be in a home, even though she cannot care for herself at all. My siblings will do nothing to help, so it all falls on my shoulders. They all agree we need to step in and take control to find adequate care for both parents, but then no one does anything but me.
My father had a place to take my mother everday - an zlheimer's day care facility. He won't take her because she did not want to go. So now, she stays home ALONE all day, makes phone calls all over the country, wanders out of their apartment building, etc etc

I am just at wits end. It is all falling on my shoulders and I just do not know what to do anymore. Do I just tell my father, this is the way it is? Then take control and make all the decisions? He just took away her meds and hid them after she kept throwing them out and taking too many. He will not control the situation at all and I am afraid for her and for him.

Any suggestions are welcome. Thanks!

Hello Kelly, my siblings had meeting with counceller from Alzheimer's Association. It was really great to have the counceller there we covered a lot of ground and teased out some ideas and ongoing plans. I doubt it would have been as effective left on our own. It was by no means a comfortable meeting however at least we got to talking and making some future plans and all managed to behave relatively reasonably! Mind you 4 days later i still feel like a washed out dishcloth. . . doesn't really matter because things are already a bit better simply because we all now have some of the same information. I also found it a useful excersise to write a list of every little thing i do, estimate time and cost to you and mark things that can be shared and also what could make it easier. This helped me be much clearer in asking for what i needed in the meeting and follow up meeting with my sister the next day. Oh i wish you all the best and please take care of you .cheers

Kelley, please listen to all the answers here, call a family n meeting. the bottom line, if being nice doesn't work, "here is your chance to be involved, take it and be here or give it up to the ones who will right now." "If they aren't going to be here when they ( the loved ones) need you, give it up right now!! Help with POA and DPOA . understannd it, and get out of the way, or be here and DO IT. I'm serious. If they aren't going to participte in care giving, get in therir face and tell them that they need to back off to the one who is here now. Pose the question. " ARE YOU GOING TO PARTICIPATE, in Mom and Dad's well being or not???? "
How close are they? It makes a difference.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

Kelley, is your Dad suffering from mild Dementia also? If he is throwing out her meds, not making her take them, I just wonder.

BG is right, call a family meeting 911!!!! Open the meeting by asking everyone what their thoughts are...when and if they speak up, DELEGATE! DELEGATE! DELEGATE!!!! Put the monkey on thier backs, if it is someone taking care of the meds, someone else checking into alternative facilities, maybe two of them can do this. Get out the calender, have them sign up for days that they can come and check on MOM!

You are going to have to put it in thier faces Kelley! I fear this is going to be very hard on you taking care of them both, specially when your Dad is able to get up and leave her alone!

He may need to be evaluated also.

BG is right, you do not want APS on your back! After all, you seem to be the only one who is taking care of them, and if you aren't there, then what is going to happen!!!

Welcome in Kelley
I think you need to tell your Dad that if he leaves your mom alone one more time APS can and will come in and charge your Dad with neglect, abuse or worse... this I am not kidding about.
Does he like jail Kelley cause thats what he'll be facing especially if something happens to her in his absence....
Leaving her alone is unconscionable!
Your siblings not taking this seriously...shame on them your not God. Kelley get them off their butts and tell them to pitch in these are THEIR parents too and this shouldnt be falling completely on your shoulders.
Get a family meeting together for one last try and dont mince words this is serious and needs attention Dad needs to recognize mom can not be left alone anymore.
She needs to get back on her meds AND be seen by a Doctor.
You Need to discuss getting a POA & DPOA out on both mom and Dad so that you will be able to attend to and speak to their PCP's in the event both become incapacitated because frankly speaking Kelley your Dad doesnt sound like he is making sound decisions anymore so this is a priority.
Sweetie just because your mom doesnt like something doesnt mean you dont do it she is no longer in control of things and thats not intended as an insult of any kind thats a fact of this disease.
I hope your siblings take this seriously this time if not Im pretty sure you will be able to handle things as your asking the serious questions...You are certainly earning your wings sweetie and you have found a great place here, there are many that are in your shoes...
So now take a few deep breaths your among friends
Start making those phone calls

Kelly, what can I say? Sibs do this, because, A) they can dump it on another, because they can: B) they are in denial: C) They simply can't be bothered, do not care. B is really big, but generous, they don't see it so it isn't happening and Mom and Dad are fine. When they come Mom and Dad act perky. the visit sparks them to their best , and you are an alarmist paranoid. (sound familiar?)
A) You are at the plate batting, so what can
they do? You got it covered and they'ld be in the way. (sound familiar?) C) Can't be bothered, too far away, busy with work and kids, etc. do what you want, leave me out of it, not involved,. (sound familiar?)
Bust bad on them, tell them if they aren't going to be involved, the POA, DPOA, will be yours. You will be entitled to pay your self from the holdings, of your parents, and you will and once that is done, "Dear Abby, you have no complaints." So if anyone has any ideas, or wants to protect their own interest speak now, or hold their peace forever.
Paradoxa had some interesting ideas about getting the siblings involved. There are some good hints about organizing a family meeting on the elder care online that may come in handy before you volunteer to be hung out to dry.
Here it is
http://www.ec-online.net/Knowledge/Articles/familymeetings.html
Really good advice on either getting them on the same page, or out of your way.
Best of luck sweetie, this is a difficult moment. Don't hesitate to keep us updated about problems and progress.