My mother in law is mean spirited , strong willed, beligerant, uncooperative and just plain nasty to
the entire family---everyday----ALL DAY

we've done serquel, remeron, and ativan

I think part of this is just her personality
and nothing is gonna change that

I tread walking into her room...
in the morning to get her out of bed
to change her diapers
which will always be soiled due to the
anti biotics for diverticulitis

I tread having to get her out of bed
for breakfast, lunch, dinner or any reason
because i know I am going to be bombarded with a host of obscenities directed at me
the doctors, the family, and life in general

I know i am going to hear woeful pleas to
let her die, ...no one should have to live like this...

I know within 10 minutes of being up.she will demand to go back to bed
even tho..she has been in bed for 10 hours
and just got up... even tho laying in bed 10-14 hours a day makes her too weak
to get out of a chair on her own

I know she will demand to go back to bed.

then I am going to hear about how the dog has more rights than she does
and then the name calling will begin..at her doctor, at me and at anyone in the family who happens to be in the same room.

This will be
followed by a constent attempt at arguing
over every little thing she can find.

I am sick..sick..sick of her attitude

I am sick..sick..sick of her making life miserable for everyone in this household because she is told what to do by everyone, and cant have what she wants .......NOW!!


people tell me put her in a nursing home

well been there done that.. doctor sent her to nursing home for rehab, after her last hospital stay..due to weakness
.within 24 hours she wanted out, and
she was so mean and hateful to the patients and staff, after 4 days they beg me to come get her



I gave up my life to care for this woman

I dont want gratitude, i dont want appreciation

Just a little cooperation and no arguing
would do nicely.

My mother in law used to be one of my dearest friends
she is so hateful and mean now, i wouldn't walk across the street to see her

The only reason i put up with her crap is because i love her son more than life itself


If I could get away with it i'd put a sign in the front yard ""Free mother in law, complete with claws,....is not house broken""

DP, how're things going? I was rereading this thread and your remarks about your mom's lack of cooperation. Made me think of a recent incident with Mom. I had Hoyered her into the livingroom to hang out in her Lazyboy while I laundered the cover for her mattress and hosed out her mattress (not like a normal one!). It was drying very slowly (no sun here for a MONTH I think), so we fell asleep in the living room. The next day, I got her bed all put back together and ready for her. When I rolled the Hoyer in to lift her from her chair, she set up a FUSS! She didn't like that thing; she could walk perfectly well by herself; she has a car and drives wherever she wants to go; she keeps her own house; I should go ask her daughter Moms_Buddy and SHE'LL tell me that Mom can walk just fine; on and on. I was a little taken aback because normally she is not like this. So I made the mistake of trying to orient her by reminding her that she hasn't walked in 5 years... this was NOT the right tactic and she became angrier and kept telling me to go ask myself if I didn't believe her! I told her I AM me, but she said NO! Not YOU, the OTHER you that lives with her in Alabama...
...sigh...
I could see that reason and reorienting and distraction and redirecting were NOT gonna work and she was having a freakin HISSY fit, yellin' and thrashing... I didn't know WHAT to say, so I just let her rave on after telling her that that OTHER me had told THIS me to put her back in her bed! I kept on hooking up the loops on her sling to the Hoyer and proceeded to pump her up and went rolling into her room with her still yelling at me that she CAN TOO WALK DAMMITTOHELL!! I put her in her bed and set about to change her. With her poor, almost useless body turned on its side and me cleaning up her bottom, she was STILL yapping about how screwed up my mind was that I didn't know that she could walk!!

I had only seen her do anything like that once or twice before, but my poor husband had NEVER heard her take on like that and I think he was a little freaked out!! Had that panicked, deer in the headlights look like men get when their wives are in labor...

After the change, I left her alone for an hour or so, had me a freakin' DRINK, then brought her some supper and a chocolate from my hubby's stash and she was happy as a clam.

Until the NEXT time...

Just wanted to let you know that you are NOT the Lone Ranger. This stuff happens to most of us and it takes most of us by surprise until we come to expect it and know how to deal with it!

Hope your mom has been behaving as best she can and that you are handling things a little better and not letting it get to you.

Many blessings to you...

DANG, DP!! You get to go out, and outta the pan and into the fire!! Like BG said, at least now the word will get around the extended family about what a difficult patient your MIL has become, relieving you of the Wicked Lying DIL title!!

I also agree that she needs to be checked for a UTI... it is unbelievable how they can change behavior!! Even if she doesn't have a UTI, her raging is becoming dangerous to those around her... gotta fins a med that works! If she hasn't had an in-patient geriatric psych evaluation, now would be the PERFECT time... I hope that the docs can find something to give her to tone down her behavior without zombiefyin' her... It's such a fine line and sometimes, there isn't a happy medium.

Has her diarrhea ended? I sure hope so... you need that right now like a boil on your fanny!!

I am so glad to hear you and your hubby had a heart-to-heart about his mom! It doesn't change the facts but it is so comforting to have someone who understands and will help to find a solution...

BTW, I HOPE that you will remember that her behavior isn't your fault in any way, shape or form! Some patients just cannot be maintained at home because of their unpredictable, violent behavior. Some people will not accept assistance from one person, while they will be very docile for another. There just is no rhyme nor reason to it sometimes... This is so sad because so often, this is just NOT the way our loved ones were before the stuff hit the fan...

Good luck and I hope that she'll have more good days than bad this week!

Awww well done Baby! Im so very proud of you for recognizing this is not her fault...and BTW I hope your Auntie is ok and got out of that scene relatively unscathed!
On the bright side she can now tell the extended family this is not all in your mind and your not being mean to your MIL! Maybe they will start to view you in a better light now...I hope I hope!
Now have you had her checked out recently for a UTI DP? If these outbursts like this are not the norm and since she is incontinent you might want to have her checked just to be on the safe side
I am very glad to hear you sat down and talked to your hunny communication in times like these is very important...he may get a little frustrated at hearing the day to day activities or the little rants but he does need to be aware of what goes on with his mom. It goes a long way in the matter of trust between the 2 of you.
It would also be a really good idea to keep a journal on her day to day habits, eating, drinking, and behaviors that way if anyone at anytime wants to check it out they can. It is also a great tool to bring to Doc. appts.

Thank you for the words of wisdom

Bunny girl and mom's buddy


I have spoken to my hubby about the way I was feeling
he confided he was feeling the same

we went out to dinner with friends this evening
a first for us in a long time

My mother in law has been in jolly good spirits
yesterday and today ( so nice)

anyway we went out to dinner with friends leaving my MIL with her sister, who lives with us and help's care for my mother in law.


Oh boy we got home to find MIL was raging again
She had slapped her sister, refusing to allow her to
change her diaper, the bathroom was a mess
and MIL was in bed with no diaper on..the bed was soaked in urine ( mattress pad is waterproof )

of course she went crazy when I got her up out of bed to change her

But I had seen your post so I kept my cool

quote:

people tell me put her in a nursing home

well been there done that.. doctor sent her to nursing home for rehab, after her last hospital stay..due to weakness
.within 24 hours she wanted out, and
she was so mean and hateful to the patients and staff, after 4 days they beg me to come get her

DP, there is a great difference between having someone in a NH for rehab and having them there residentially. If ANY residential facility called and BEGGED me to take THEIR patient home because she was difficult for a STAFF of PROS to care for, I would see every one of them strung up by their thumbs (if they stopped sucking them long enough). Professionals simply don't do that.

So you had one unfulfilling experience with a nursing home - there ARE others (don't pick THAT one again!).

quote:

My mother in law used to be one of my dearest friends
she is so hateful and mean now, i wouldn't walk across the street to see her

That's dementia, AD, Lewy Body whatever you wanna call it in ONE sentence - people we loved become unlovable things. It is NOT them - it IS the disease. I know it's hard to ignore cussin'
and fussin', but it is, after all, just a buncha noise. You simply MUST realize that the stuff that comes out of your MIL's mouth and her attitude are not under her control! She is not herself any more and may never resemble the woman who was your dear friend again.

PLEASE try to put yourself in her position - make your brain into mush; send your judgement packing. Make your brain crazy. THAT'S her reality and she ain't lyin' when she moans that no one should have to live like that!! I totally understand your frustration - it IT frustrating, but the person most in need is the one who has no control over her life, her health and least of all, her mind. She's RIGHT - the dog DOES have more rights and freedom than she has...

As far as managing her behavior - didjoo ever think about simply AGREEING with her? When I think I'm about to pop a crk, allI have to do is take a short walk in my mom's shoes and ya know - I don't wanna be there for a SECOND!! Your frustration and anger are large - hers are HUGE and she can't even go yell about it on an internet forum!! Heck, even the DOG can growl, lift its leg on something and go chase the cat, fergoodnessakes!!

quote:

I gave up my life to care for this woman

You certainly did not! You had a life before, you have one now and with any luck, you'll survive this entire ordeal! Leave the melodrama by the road, dear. At least you HAVE some semblance of a life - you can get away from this, if only for an hour - she can't. She's on death row and there's only one way out for her...

quote:

Just a little cooperation and no arguing
would do nicely.

Yes, it would, but she can't deliver because her brain isn't cooperating with ANYONE, least of all her!

You must detach yourself from all this emotionally or it'll eat you alive! It isn't about you nor did you do anything wrong that she would truly be angry about - this is terminasl, degenerative brain disease at its finest! If you wanna rage at something, rage at what has turned your dear MIL into this THING that is SUFFERING!

Whenever you think you can't stand it another moment, go lie down in a bed and pretend that you are her. You can't get up by yourself; you can't feed yourself; you can't pee or poop by yourself. You have to ask for every damned thing and be helped to do the most simple things. Instead of throwing on your clothes and rushing out of the room, try making it take a half hour to struggle into clothes. Contort your body until it screams when you try to put on shoes and sock. If you do a good job of role playing, it'll probably make you cry and you'll have to get up to grab a kleenex (she can't do that either unless the box is within her reach). OK so that's like 15 minutes worth - now multiply that by all day long every day for as long as she's been afflicted... if you were in her shoes, you might be hateful to everyone around you too, 'cause THEY all can walk in and out, but all you can do is be needy and wait for release from the nightmare.

SUre, anger is a part of caregiving - just don't let it run away from you. Square your shoulders and take a LOOK at how FORTUNATE you are in comparison... Get some help to "spell" you so that you can have some time to yourself.

TRY to remember who your MIL WAS - and be kind to her despite how she behaves. Perhaps if you behaved in a matter of fact way, sympathized with her and listened to her moaning and groaning, she might become slightly more amenable. Generally when you let folks just blow and don't add any fuel to the fire, it blows itself out pretty quickly.

Good luck, sweetie and know that even if some of the things I said sound tough, they have come from the heart and from the voice that draws me up short when I take on inside my own head! ALL of us feel this way sometimes and blow up - just be sure to readjust the picture on the set after you've finished listening to your program. I hope today is a better day and that tomorrow will be an even better one for both of you!

Aww Babygirl do I know where your comin from...You sound like I did the first day I came in here to vent seriously anyone here can tell you.
I can now say this free of guilt and or remorse she is the single most miserale human being on the planet whos one thrill in life is to make my day as miserable as she can....
Ok that was then, this is now...mind you she was never that nice to me in the first place but I sucked it up until I busted back in 05-06 during a surgery she went through and not realizing she was startin to show very real signs something was amiss with her...(now that I look back it was even longer) It just seemed to me she was getting more frustrated and angry around only me and I never once attributed it to brain health or lack there of.
You have to recognize that this woman in your face is altered she can no longer function...the edit button is broke and all that entails...invest in a good set of ear plugs for when she goes off
My success now (and sure there are still bad days when she gets on my last nerve) is everyones cooperation here, the realization that she is altered, that she whines and carries on for no reason, steals things to where I and my hunny have to lock everything and every door in the house up. Just when I think Ive got the last tool she can use to pick or wear away her skin she finds a new toy and Im the bad guy again for taking it away. But I know Im doin it with her safety in mind Im not doin it to be spiteful.
This is where good ole "detach" comes into play...You have to ignore this all, her rants screams and moaning. If she wants to be left alone feed her and get out of the room ASAP. Its all that you can do if they are not going to cooperate with you.
Now your other alternative is to hire someone to come in and see if she responds better to them...
Are you still feelin like your hunny is not on your side? Have you spoken to him about how you feel baby?