I'm so F+)*ing p'od it's going to be very difficult for me not to launch into a long string of multi-syllabic dirty words...the f-bomb would be dropped a LOT RIGHT NOW

I'm going to try to breathe. My brother said he and his wife would take Wednesdays with mom. How does that helps me? I have no idea. We have an awesome caregiver during the day. Why can't they take her for dinner in the evening?
(Wherever you see the red face, insert cussing) So we give her the day off, She is completely dependent on her salary.

I decided not to sub today just in case showed up late. That's a hundred bucks gone for me today. I usually leave for school at 7am. He shows up in running shorts at 9:45 to tell me plans have changed. He "forgot" he had a lunch date today with friends...and that his son only has a l/2 day of school today so he's going golfing with him.

I was speechless. Then he goes and wakes up mom and she's all agitated and anxious after he leaves and tries to get up and get dressed cuz she's confused because she thinks brother is bringing company over.

I wanted to kick his a** from here to China. I said nothing, cuz I knew I'd start to primal scream and that would futher upset mama. That f'n clueless sob! HE'S NEVER GOING TO GET IT! I COULD GO ON AND ON...BOTTOM LINE IS HE'S IS NOT RELIABLE. I called our cgiver who also happens to be my best friend and she saw red However we are not willing to go to prison for going postal on dear brother...

Deep Breath I called my husband at work and told him i CANNOT talk to my brother about this. I'm too tired, and angry and sad and shocked and
He's going to talk to him. We need MORE care in this house IN THE EVENINGS. Brother is poa for finances and mom is LOADED. He's a tight wad trying to protect the estate for the future. The future is NOW! Open up the purse strings, mom's going to be treated like the precious girl she is. And I know my dad wants that for her! And not the the risk of his daughter's health going down the tube.

And I KNOW THAT SHE'S NOT EVEN THE WICKEDESS PART OF THE ILLNESS YET. THESE WILL BE THE "GOOD OLD DAYS"

My heart feels like its going to explode....
Linda just called back and she's taking me and mama out to lunch later with some friends God bless the angels that help.

I need a valium drip FOR ME!

Grrrrrrrrr

I am so sorry you have to go through all of this with your brother. My brother also has financial POA and comes once a week for about 10 min. to pay the live in her $300. yah that is cheap but she ONLY works when I'm at work. When I get home she's "off duty". I use to get mom up, fed and changed before going to work but now it's her job. It took the flu and still working to make her do it. I went to an attorney about my brother but couldn't afford to go through with all needed to reverse it. They told me to track everything. My brother feels since I live here and pay no rent it's my job. Once my son was out of school I played my hand telling him if I am going to pay rent I want to be treated like a renter and he better find someond for weekends, mornings and evenings. I know in the end I'll be in court with him. I was so sick I was throwing up blood and having ulcer attacks. I had to let it go and now treat my brother only in a business like manner. I am going to be away for 4 days in April for a wedding and told him it's up to him and the live in to figure out a schedule. I'd like to put our brothers in a boat and send them out to sea.

quote:

trying to protect the estate for the future

For what future - HER future needs bought with HER money, or for his future inheritance? This point needs to be made CRYSTAL CLEAR to him that until she is dead, she doesn't have an "estate," she has assets which are to be used for her care and nothing else! Does she have a Durable Power of Attorney? This is what's needed to make medical decisions and also encompasses all the normal powers granted by a power of attorney. Having one child handle caregiving without a DPOA is NOT a wise idea because of this very situation. If a caregiver is not trustworthy enough to handle her financial needs, they sure as heck aren't trustworthy enough to handle her medical needs! I hope you are keeping an eye on what he's doing with her finances...

Try to center your emotions. I understand your frustration completely, but for folks who do not do hands-on, DAILY caregiving, they simply don't "get it.". One more time, go over this stuff with him point by point... for a person suffering from any kind of dementia, ROUTINE is the ORDER of the day. If he makes a commitment to care for her, it is SET IN STONE unless someone is in the ER or Morgue. This "forgetting" crap will NOT cut it. It costs SOMEONE money and aggravation and it is NOT possible to tolerate this kind of laissez-faire lifestyle when caring for an elderly person.

Exploding is NOT appropriate, but expressing your feelings IS in order. No one but you can do that. You have to be able to express your feelings dispassionately to him regarding his costing you and the caregiver money, not to mention rescrambling YOUR schedule and that of a caregiver because he can't keep his sh*t in one sock regarding lunch dates, school half-days, golfing, etc. (Pardon me while I puke) Remind him that Daytimers are wonderful devices for helping a busy executive schedule his golfing, lunches and even kid's schedule, but it does require INTEGRITY and RESPECT for him to keep his scheduled appointments and obligations. Personally, I don't understand why you didn't tell him that you are so sorry he forgot, but that YOU had made plans based upon his keeping his promise and that he would have to reschedule his lunch and golfing dates. Why should YOU be expected to cover (and suffer monetary penalties) for his Eff-up?

I do understand that some folks do not realize how important keeping their "dates" are with parents, but he must realize that this isn't like good ol' mom anymore - this is a patient who needs care.

Honestly, if he is not gonna "catch on" to caring for elderly folks and their needs, it would be better NOT to use his "services" except in a dire emergency as his efforts would most likely cause more harm than good.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Moms_Buddy,

Thanks Ladies.
Mama felt too sick to go out to lunch, so we stayed home. She's been sleeping most of the day. I'm still ticked off but more wanting to cry at this point. Tonight will probably be a long one. So glad y'all are out there!
Blessings
Kathleen

Kathleen M.dO THESE PEOPLE REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU LOOK FORWARD TO A DAY OUT?Maybe he needs one of these small recorders to record the dates he is to give you a break.
I know how you feel, have been there.Just remember you do count on him to give you some time away.I know that is not something you need to hear right now.But becareful you do not cut off your nose to spite your face, that is what they all say to me when I am hot under the collarWhen people have the freedom to come and go as they please they have no idea.
Tomorrow is my day to have a few hours out.Nothing planned but just the thought of getting away.My favorite aide will bathe hubby , then she will stay with him for the 2 hours I want.Because she is so good I can leave when she arrives and get 4 hours.
Enjoy your luncheon , learn that some are not as reliable as one needs them to be.
My dearest brother has never been to my mothers grave since the funerable.He has excuses but they never wash for me.His wife is afraid he may get out of her site.

No, they DON'T get it.
How can they think they're helping YOU when they come in during the caregiver's hours?
That's why we hire caregivers when we are able to; when we absolutely HAVE to.
When a caregiver is in the picture, it seems as if the only thing "the outsiders" notice is "Well, they have a caregiver for him/her; they don't take care of the Loved One 24/7, so what's the big deal?"
SOBs don't know (but would they care?) that we DO have 24/7 care duties. Just because I'm not there it doesn't mean I don't worry and don't think about what's going on at home.
I'm right behind you on this one - kick ass, tell little brother that it will get worse and he might like to spend time with Mom NOW, because with Dementia, the old saying is true:
Out of Sight, Out of Mind.
She'll remember who she lives with for a lot longer time then she'll remember the faces of infrequent visitors.
When ya' get the valuim drip goin' properly, I'll see you at Harry's.