... anger isn't the big deal with me - I know what to do with anger. What adheres to me like a sticky booger and a bad smell is sadness. Profound sadness.

Maybe we need a WAILING WALL!

As the time wears on, the sadness has changed. At first it was shock and fighting the good fight and hiding the tears and yelling at god on the front porch and worrying about if this would be my own fate as well... Agonizing over the things she was "forgetting" faster than I could remind her.

The care needs increased and have taken me into areas of care I never even knew existed, let alone thought that I would be performing. So the sadness fades a little for a while because of the busyness. An ebb & flow ensues... and time passes...

But as time wears on, the sadness is returning. Seeing my mom in this fix just sux through and through. I don't care about the genetic ramifications nor the prognosis: I know there are worse deaths;
but this "not with a bang but a whimper" thing is very hard... as all of you know well who have walked before me and who walk the same leg of the journey as I am on...

Makes me think of a line from a wonderful Mary Chapin Carpenter song, "Quittin' Time"...

"So you pretend and I'll pretend
Everything is fine
And though we should be at an end
It's so hard admittin'
when it's quittin' time."

I LOVE the idea of the "Pity Pot." You are so correct that self-pity decends on all of us at one point or another (sometimes several times per day). Wailing and raging and crying and carrying-on are all part of how we relieve the pressure to trudge through these complex issues and uncertain times.

quote:

Originally posted by DOCHKA:
I'm all for a WAILING WALL.
GOT MY VOTE.

Sounds good to me. How about a "pity pot" as well? Sometimes we know we're being kind of petty, that we really don't have it bad compared to others, but just need to whine a little and feel sorry for ourselves.

I'm all for a WAILING WALL.
GOT MY VOTE.

Welcome, Donswife. Yep - we're all a big mix of every side of this caregiving thing... and just when we think we have heard every variation on the theme, someone comes up with a new one! Please kick off yer shoes and make yourself at home! If ya get up the nerve to peek outta here, wander on over to the ECO Bar & Grill and tell Harry I said you could have whatever beverage and snacks suit your fancy and to put it on my tab.

When one reads all the stories here, it DOES help give us perspective on our own situations and inspiration for challenges to come... This is a wonderful group of people... I hope you'll tell us YOUR story so we can get to know you, too!

quote:

Originally posted by DONSWIFE:
Good morning everyone!
I'm new here, but have been "lurking" for a while.
I come here when I'm feeling hopeless and clueless. I pick a message and think "She thinks SHE has problems??!" and then I read another message and think, "Boy, I sure wouldn't trade my problems for his!!"
It's so nice to know that I'm right in the middle - surrounded by wonderful people who have been there and done that, or those who will be here shortly!
I've chosen the anger wall to post because I'm quite sure that's where I'll spend most of my time with you right now. Not quite ready for the lounge yet!
Thanks everybody.

Well Howdeee DW! I wont say welcome in cause Ive seen you many a night round these ole halls! Just wonderin when you would finally speak your peace, so instead congrats and kudos to you for finally joining in Cant wait to hear more from you

Good morning everyone!
I'm new here, but have been "lurking" for a while.
I come here when I'm feeling hopeless and clueless. I pick a message and think "She thinks SHE has problems??!" and then I read another message and think, "Boy, I sure wouldn't trade my problems for his!!"
It's so nice to know that I'm right in the middle - surrounded by wonderful people who have been there and done that, or those who will be here shortly!
I've chosen the anger wall to post because I'm quite sure that's where I'll spend most of my time with you right now. Not quite ready for the lounge yet!
Thanks everybody.

quote:

"and I say to myself, what a beautiful world." or is it "wonderful world?" I'm having a brain fart right now.

It's a "wonderful" world... beautiful too, but das not what Satchmo sang...

Thanks for the kind words, folks. We all go on, don't we? Mom is hangin' in and I am too!

{{{MB}}}

quote:

I have read so many of your posts...and admire your strength & wisdom and obvious love.
I hope that this time of sadness will ease for you. You are an extrordinary woman.
Love to you and your Mom...

I feel the same way. You have done an absolutely amazing job of taking care of your mom to a point where I could never go. I admire you greatly and you definitely have wings. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time in your life.

Moms Buddy, what you are feeling is so normal.I think we keep our selves busy so we do not have the time to deal with tomorrow and what it will bring.I have found when feeling sorrow and fear I allow it to happen.Ket all these feelings we have inside come to surface.The best is to cry and let the tears flow.It is never easy to know all we do cannot change the end.But you do know that you never gave her more then quality of life with so much love and compassion.To this day I do not allow my self to think of what tomorrow will or might bring.I get up, loved one is still with me and do what has to be done.When a person has been so much apart of ones day and life it is hard to imagine they , one day, would pass on and leave us with a void.
You have been through so much, just with the hurricane.You have dealt with much heart ache.Dealing with such you had strength to do what had to be done.Not being the one who contros life and death is not easy to accept.One day at a time and thank god for that day.That is all we have

{{{{{MB}}}}}}. It's amazing all the changes of feelings we go through. A wailing wall is where I would have been last week. This week it's the anger wall. It does sux for sure. Hugs your way dear and we understand. With the holidays approaching we can use a wailing wall for sure.

Dear (((MB))...Although my journey with my Mom and this monster AD has just begun, I so feel what you so eloquently wrote. The profound sadness. It sneaks up on you, comes out of the place in your heart where it lives....it takes over the other "dwellers" in the heart, the anger, frustration, disappointment w/ others...it IS all of those. And it HURTS...there are days I wonder if I will make this journey...if the tightness in my heart will ever ease...And then, out comes my sweet Mom..for a moment just as she was before. For a brief moment the heaviness lifts, I just feel the love and am humbled by all of what she used to be, and then saddened by what is now. More sad for what I know is to come. And I know we will endure...We must.
I have read so many of your posts...and admire your strength & wisdom and obvious love.
I hope that this time of sadness will ease for you. You are an extrordinary woman.
Love to you and your Mom...

I agree...a wailing wall. I'll tell you though that behind most every post and from most of my words, it's all brought on from the sadness I'm feeling at that time. And yes, while in a new phase or when developments or progressions downhill start to occur, I too just do what I've got to do as if I'm on a conveyer belt or auto pilot, without any emotions attached. And then, I sink just a little bit more until it balances out where I adopt the changes and the sadness feels normal but all consuming but under wraps.

It seems that events are ocurring here for you and mom at the same time changes are occurring here for me and dad.

Yes MB, it all sux. There's just no way around it. Don't ask me why but I keep singing to myself the Louis Armstrong song,......"and I say to myself, what a beautiful world." or is it "wonderful world?" I'm having a brain fart right now.

Wishing you and mom, MERCY.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: SandyF,

Awww {{{{{MB}}}} I know this is hard and you have always been a rock here...I wondered many a night when you would finally say your peace...Times are gettin more than a little rough.... I wish I could say something or do something to make it better but you and I both know you have fought the good fight Mom knows this too....I remember once you said something to me about my mil she had said something and you said that somewhere in all that was her truth, what she wanted...Well maybe this is your dear sweet moms way of saying its enough sweet girl...