Hi, I am new here.
My mom is 63 and up uintil the end of January, worked full time.
Well, she is due back to work today, forgot to set her alarm clock, so we will see if she makes it in tomorrow. My Hubby is due to call her around 5AM to see if she is up.
She lives alone in a townhome she owns and she has no pets or friends.
I am the closest relative to her and I try to help out when she needs me.
The anger I have is mostly frustration because:

1. She refuses to go to the dentist or eye doctor; she has insurance for all vision and medical too, and it is really great coverage too. My brother is also an eye doctor and he checked her eyes in her home and told me she seems to have glaucoma, which runs in our family. He could only do basic test without proper equipment, and he live 1.5 hours away. She refuses to have him check her eyes in his office for free.

2. She refuses to ask for help or to call me when she is sick, falls, etc...

3. She will not go to the DR to get a cat scan or to find out why she cannot articulate words and why she is sometimes forgetful.

4. She refuses to come and live with me and my husband while we get her home cleaned up.

She decided to stop cleaning her home and now it is really not fit to live in, very dusty and the carpet needs to be replaced and the place needs deep cleaning and paint.

She loves to shop and I cannot tell you how much food she buys for 1 person, she is a retired cheif.
I have thrown away 4 33 gallon trash bags of old food in 1 weekend alone.


Now she still pays all her bills and always has, loves to shop loves to cook and eat and can do all that. But, she is becoming forgetful, and I wish I could help her more.
I wish I could blindfold her and take her to her Dr for an exam.
Any thoughts?
Thank you, Sprite

quote:

Originally posted by sprite:

How do you make someone do these things? Especially if I am not her legal caregiver, just a daughter. Is this where hiring an Elder Attorney can help???

That's the million dollar question, Sprite! And, no, the attorney can't really make your mom co-operate in getting to a doctor either.

If reasoning doesn't work, and you are unable to "trick" her (like, taking her out to lunch that turns out to be a doctor's appointment) you are still left with quite a struggle on your hands. My mom was very strong willed and very, very physically able, and she was having none of my nonsense or anyone else's.

This is why I recommend that you document as much as possible from now on. And try to recreate on paper the things that have concerned you in the past, giving an approximate date to them.

One day Mom may fall and break her wrist--and you will have these concerns READY for the ER doctor.

On the other hand, one day, you may still be struggling to get your mom to a doctor and she has a *mental crisis* of some kind. You can use all this information to get an Order of Protective Custody. This can only be granted in a case when Mom has demonstrated that she is a danger to herself and/or others, and will not seek out or co-operate in obtaining her own care. It is a last resort in very serious cases, but it can be done.

Where I live, it is the Coroner who makes these determinations--it may be different in your area. Unfortunately, I had to exercise this option twice before my mom began to trust me on medical decisions.

What happened is that there was an emergency with Mom (who, of course, was not co-operating), and I already had all my documentation in order, so I was ready to go immediately to the Coroner with my information. He agreed with me and issued the OPC. At this point I could have gone to Mom and presented the paper, explaining that she MUST see a doctor or the Sheriff's Department would arrange the visit for her. Or, I could have called the Sheriff's Department and had them act without Mom's knowledge.

All of this is very unsettling, and as I said, a LAST resort. But if there is a real crisis, it is important to know that this can be done.

Under an OPC the patient is kept at the appropriate hospital of your choice for up to 72 hours, during which she gets a very thourough physical and mental exam, and if necessary, can be kept for up to 14 more days without her concent (for further study, etc.). If at the end of that period, her doctors feel she needs continued care and she still will not co-operate of her own volition, you and the doctor may request a hearing before a judge that will determine what care she must accept.

I truly hope that you will never have to use any of this information, and I feel sure that between you and your brother you will be able to get Mom moving in the right direction (especially since he's a doctor).

My best to you! Keep plugging at it from all the regular angles, get your DPOA stuff squared away with the elder attorney, loose the car keys (that will buy you a couple of wreck-less days), and hang tough. I really think you'll make it!

maria

Used to be, we would simply pull the sparkplug wires to disable the car. Or pull the distributor cap. Admit I try not to look under the modern hoods, But it can't be hard to disable the car, and threaten the AAA man or Mechanic she calls with sudden death.
Wasn't any fun at all to talk my Mom out of driving. Maybe the time has come, maybe not. I over react to everything, It's a fact. Still, I wouldn't hesitate for a moment to pull the plugs on my Mom's car. Oh, 'scuse me, I actually did that when her macular degeneration went one step too far, but I was in a position to promise her I or someone would take her where ever she felt she needed to go. Shoot , girl , they got to get their hair done. At least that, was Mom's biggy,
Not a universal concern. But everyone has buttons to push. Chill... you will find yours, hers.

Bunnys_grl
Thanks for the advice!
I am not so sure she even speaks to her neighbors, but her coworkers have already said she has trouble articulating her words.
She spends more time at work than at home anyways, working 40 hour workweeks.
I can call her coworkers and see how she is doing.

The driving scares me too. She works for a public transportation company, but in an office, as a data entry clerk.
One benefit is she can ride transit free free anywhere(if she decided to) She will not do it!!!
She lives across the street from the transit center! And still drives her car...Unbelievable.
And this is a train we are talking about, not a bus.
So, how do you tell someone they should ride the train and leave their car at home?????
My frustration is this:
How do I make my mom not drive, get her to take her meds, especially for high blood pressure and go see a doctor???

Moms_Buddy
Thank you for your insight.
My mom has never cared for her eyesight and did care for her teeth but it has been 10 years or more since she has gone for dental work. Even when my brother became an optomitrist, my mom never had him check her eyes. That was 9 years ago.

How do you make someone do these things? Especially if I am not her legal caregiver, just a daughter. Is this where hiring an Elder Attorney can help???

Can they make her sign something or maybe go before a judge?
I have a couple incidents over the past month when she almost got into driving accidents. One witnessed by her coworkers (very minor) and one witnessed by me.
Is this where an attorney comes into play???

Bobcat, Thanks so much for the invitation to the grill. I promise to drop in sometime soon.
Thanks to you for being so thoughtful.

Goodnight all. Thank you all so very much for the smart and heartfelt advice!!
I really appreciate it alot!
God Bless and Goodnight! .

Sprite, vent here all you want and can, The advice and wisdom here is a blessing. just like the rest of us do when we have need. Now, tell us about your dog walking, come up to ECOs Bar and Grill or the Casual Corner. The cyber ale or tea is on me. If I'm not around, tell Harry to put it on my tab, and put your fuzzy slippers up on the bar(Harry doesn't care, ) Home away from home, honey. So glad you are here with us.
Bobcat

Welcome, SPrite. First, I hope that you have consulted with an attorney who specializes in Elder Law practice. As your mom becomes less able to care for herself, there are lots of ins-and-outs to how her care will proceed - private pay? Medicare? Medicaid? Insurance?

PLEASE encourage her to stop driving! Many, many seniors continue driving way past their ability to do so safely. Their judgement is impaired and they are a hazard to others and especially to themselves! Don't let this one go! My mom would be in a whole lot better shape had she not totalled her car 8 years ago... We had signs, but did not act on them quickly enough...

Your mom's meds certainly could be contributing to her confusion. High blood pressure is a leading cause of vascular dementia... Please read up on strokes and vascular dementia... Not caring for her eyesight is more demonstratin of her loss of good judgement... people do not HAVE to go blind from glaucoma!! Some forms of blindness cannot be helped , but that one CAN!! You and your brother need to both cooperate in her care. He is going to need to do more than simply write a letter advising an eye exam! Sometimes we cannot ask our elders what they would like to do, we simply have to make appointments and take them there.

If you and your brother have not gone over DPOAs, looked into Medicare/Medicaid, etc. time's a wastin'...
The signs of dementia are often very confusing at first... you and your bro (and mom as much as she can participate) need to get everything settled about who has the DPOA and be familiar with her entire finances, etc. Consulting with an elder law attorney is a good idea to get things set up correctly so that if she suddenly needs care, y'all won't be looking quite as much like deer in the headlights...

Best of luck! Please keep us updated on how things are going for y'all.

Sprite your quite welcome and thank you.
That siggy just cracks me the heck up!
But seriously depending on the meds she is taking yes they could very well cause disorientation. I know from taking an inhaler myself for asthma it makes me rather cranky and my heart rate goes up 2 reasons I hate taking the stuff but its necessary
Baby I have to say this to you though, this all sounds like someone who very well may be suffering with Dementia. Please do speak to her neighbors and see if they have anything to say like have they noticed something, anything that just didnt make sense to them. I know you said your not around all the time so they could give you a better insight as to whats going on. Make friends share your phone number with them so if they see anything out of the ordinary they can give you a call toot sweet to give you a heads up. I am really in fear mode with her driving too. I know we all make little mistakes but this is one that could cost lives I cant say that enough to you sweetie. This is really sending up a red flag here. I need you to seriously look at all the information here on behaviors and symptoms when you get a chance and really compare notes. To me this is becoming a really big safety issue for mom. I mean absolutely no disrespect here sweetie I am just very worried with all that your saying here this isnt normal everyday behavior. I hope like heck Im wrong for your sake as well as your moms.

Thank you Bunnys_grl, for your advice. BTW I love your siggy!


My mom refuses to go to the DR unless she feels like she is dying ( miserable)
I worry about her vision, she can go blind from the glaucoma if left untreated.
And my brother is an optomotrist.
He feels so bad too! He said he is going to write a recommendation for an eye exam to her primary Dr. From one DR to another, I guess it will be a good idea to try to get her in to the DR for the eye exam with that approach.
She just did go to the primary DR. She was out of work for 6 weeks, all paid time off. She had a really bad cough. The Dr. xrayed her lungs. He also saw that she had not had a mammogram done ever, so they did one of those too. They also had her undergo a pap smear.
She was not diagnosed with any problems, except high blood pressure, and she refuses to take meds for that. She refused because she said the past 2 times that she recently went to the Dr, her blood pressure was fine.

Well, she was given an inhaler, and some antibiotics for the cough
Could the medicine make her disoriented???

She did smoke, but she up and quit last weekend.
That and another cause for her cough may be from her home being so dusty.
I finally got her to let me call a cleaning company. They will come this Saturday.
How can I get her to not try and micromanage that process?
She has alot of things she wants to hang onto, but when I throw them out, she does not remember.
I had to throw out moldy bread from November, she must have forgotton about it, glass bowls with moldy food in them that were too heavy to bother with....dusty old papers that were just junk mail fliers, and lots of plastic shopping bags left tossed on the floor.

And she never calls me to ask for help. So, now, every weekend I will be sure to be there to find stuff to help out with.

Mariabee...Thanks for the advice.
I am in the reasoning phase now.
One example was when Mom proceeded to run a red light with me in the car.
I had to tell her to stop, the light is red.
I then told her that she should probably get her vision checked soon...
I have brought the CD for the Living Trust and Power of Attorney to her home.
I sat down with her and walked her through it.
She seemed overwelmed but agreed it is a good idea.
Just like her income taxes, I never had to help her with those and this year she was unfocused and could not process thoughts or numbers.
She was so stressed out about not having her taxes done she started crying.
I helped her and we got them done in 40 minutes. She fed exed them to the CPA the next day.

As far as her banking,
I just set up her new Windows Vista computer, and registered her online with her bank. So, I can log on and see what is going on too.
I also convinced her to put some extra $$ into a MMA. We set that up last weekend.

As far as her pantry, etc, I just need to make sure she does not keep old food around. I wish she would not buy so much, but she likes to have a full fridge, as a retired chief would I imagine.
When we fix up her home, should we do it barebones or go all out?
The reason I ask is; she lives in a 4 story home and we need to think of her future and all of those stairs.She has been talking of downsizing from 1200 sq feet but she wants to stay in the same location, or anywhere that has the ocean breeze.
Thanks again for all the great advice.

Hi, Bobcat.
Yes she is practical in mind. Sometimes I see no dementia in her at all. She made it to work today fine, driving and an 8 hour day at work. She does love her job and that helps alot too.
I will try that approach about getting the medical care now as opposed to later. She has Blue Shield. Great idea.

Well, I am off to get ready for dogwalking.
Thanks to everyone for letting me vent.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: sprite,

Hi, Sprite., welcome in. Is she still at all "practical" in mind? If so, maybe you can point out to her that she has good insurance now, but in just a few years, she will probably only have Medicare, and she has better now and taking advantage of everything available through it is good economic sense. Tell her "Why waste money you have already spent?" . " let's use it while it's here, you paid for it."
Maybe, maybe not, this is a stratagy that will help get her to the Dr. , Many of us and our elderly, (your Mom isn't that much older than some of us), (and maybe younger than some).
Get your moneys worth for what you have spent, take care of these things now while it's paid for, etc. Try that. Good luck.
Bobcat

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

Hi Sprite, it's good to meet you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with these issues. It's worrisome --and sometimes frightening.

What you've described reminds me very much of some of my first concerns for my own mother. She has since been diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia, but that was a long time coming and there were several mis-diagnoses along the way.

When your loved one still appears to be so high functioning there is little you can do beyond trying to reason with them (I know...reasoning doesn't seem to work anymore, does it?), and trying to garner support from relatives, friends, a trusted doctor or pastor. But many of these folks will not see what you see and they really don't feel good about "intruding" into your mom's business. All of this makes things drag out longer and seem insurmountable.

In my mother's case, she was having delusions and hallucinations that were telling her NOT to go to the doctor. In fact, these auditory hallucinations told her everything she was/was not allowed to do. It took quite some time to figure this out, and I know this sounds extreme, but I mention it because it is a possibility. e.g., you may be dealing with a "higher power".

So, while I was unable to make zero headway on the medical care front for a long time; it turned out that mom was more accepting of another approach. She eventually agreed that it might be a good idea to appoint me as her representative in case she fell ill or had an accident so that I could act and make decisions on her behalf. Seek a durable power of attorney from her. If a crisis comes later, it will be invaluable!

Along the same lines, it helps if you can sign on her checking account in order to keep tabs on how the money goes. Although mom was still paying her bills, I discovered that she had gone through all of her savings at the rate of about $200 per week on just snacks and eating out, and she was technically $350 overdrawn--although thankfully the checks didn't show up at the bank before the next deposit.

Most of all, keep very close tabs on Mom. My mom got into a couple of really bad messes (one nearly landing her in jail), and she started to have little accidents---falling in the grocery store, fender benders, and cutting her hand with a CIRCULAR SAW. All sorts of things went on when I was not around that she would try to hide or cover up.

Sometimes the neighbors are privy to unusual behaviors, and this was the case with my mom. I didn't think to inquire with the neighbors, but then, when my mom got really sick all the neighbors' stories started to come out. So if you trust her neighbors you might share your concerns with them.

Anyway, as you begin to work on these various fronts, document as much as you can. Keep a little journal of significant events and concerns. Take pictures of the renovations--before and after--you are conducting in her home. Inventory her fridge and pantry. Really check on that checking account and balance to see if it really is what it seems to be. These are the things that might get you some backing from doctors when you have no other leverage.

Unfortunately, I had to become more of a private investigator at one point than a daughter---but now mom is safe and she is receiving the care that she needs. And that was what it was all about anyway

Good luck dear, and keep in touch.

maria

Sprite welcome in.

Sprite has she gone to the doctor in the past or is this a recent occurrence?
This issue keeps coming up with many people here...Some of our LO's just wont go which is a tragedy IMHO since there is help for whatever they may be going through at the time.
Is there someone that your mom trusts if so enlist their help. This could be a friend, family member, Pastor.
I believe she is afraid sweetie, shes afraid of what she may find out so you need to reassure her that this is for her own good, that you will be with her the entire time. If she is afraid tell her you understand because your in fear also after all this is your mom and you want her around for a good long time.
I dont know how honest you can be with her but if honesty is what you two share then tell her the sooner you both find out what is wrong the sooner treatment can begin and you wont bug her anymore (a little humor sometimes helps too)
You know your Mom best Sprite go with what you know that gets your mom moving in the right direction and if that means enlisting the help of another, so be it. Her health and safety may be at stake.
I hope for the best and have no fear you will convince her to go, please keep us posted on your progress