I understand it all, I am not blaming anyone, it just sucks. H will go to his sister's, Bro and SIL are hosting a feast at their house. (Yes, MOM and I were invited), In the past when we have been able to go, they do their best, but Mom is the guest, and I am the CG, and no one helped me get the exhausted lady home.

Credos to SIL for taking over the hosting of y dinner, She does a great job. but no longer can Mom get in/out of their house. No longer can Mom spend 4-5 hours socializing and eating and appreciating the efforts to set a fine table.

I refuse to be bummed, I think I WILL have at least one more T'day with my Mom. I treasure it.

be her and me only. I told her she will get trditional plates from others.It is lonely and dissappointing that Mom and me will be the only family around for this "grateful" day.

I asked her, since it seems it would just be just us "What do you want for dinner? It will only be the two of us."

I totally agree with her that other people's left overs are not a sub for our dinner. She and I will have something similar to a traditional spread just for us. The "plates" people bring can go in the f'in' trash.

It is no one's fault. Just the way it is..When it is my turn to be alone on Holidays, no biggy. Yeah, I am not expecting anything, but Mom?? I hurt for her. I am banging on the anger wall and it is nobody's fault.

Sometimes it just Beee's that way.

OK, I am bummed big time. Sometimes it just beees that way.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

What - taking care of your dad, working, keepng a household running prevents you from being an EVENT PLANNER as well? Whatta complete dweeb your sister is!!

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my b-i-l said he heard that I wanted to put dad in a "funeral" home soon...he meant nursing home, but a little slip there. She explained that things were getting worse and it was not fair to expect me to continue this until the end.

Well, SURE. That would relieve them of those pesky calls for assistance and any residual guilt (if indeed they are capable of feeling any) for not helping out. What springs to mind is that your requests are NOT all about Dad - they are also about YOU. Family DOES support one another, so I guess YOUR needs as well as your dad's are just plain inconvenient! The term "assholes" springs to mind...

I HOPE you had some very assertive things to say to them about this... since they do NOT know how your father is on a day-to-day basis, it is necessary that they run their plans by YOU to learn whether they are a fun idea for THEM, or harmful to your dad... I dunno about you, but my home is NOT a public facility where ANYONE can just drop in on a whim. It's ALWAYS open to friends and family in NEED but not for social visits! Not only do I value MY privacy, a person who is afflicted with a progressive brain-destroying condition cannot handle sudden interruptions to their schedule and surroundings! It is BEYOND rude to expect that your home should be open to anyone 24/7.

quote:

the response was that it was not fair of me to expect someone else to cut their holiday short to watch dad

Fair enough. THEY did not make a commitment to care for your father - YOU did. Leaving out the minor fact that this IS your sister's father also, now you know who gives a crap about supporting YOU in your endeavors and who doesn't. How she can work with the animal shelter and turn her back on her own brother is beyond my understanding... guess she isn't available for volunteer work during holidays either... wouldn't want her to have to cut her holidays SHORT for a stray dog, especially when she views caring for her own father for a day as an unfair interruption of her holidays. Some daughters would consider it a privilege that would make their holidays more complete simply to be able to include him! Oh dang, that term is springing to mind again...

Bless your complete heart!! I'm glad you got this all off your chest, but I understand the hollow feeling and anger it leaves! You know you are on the right track, so don't let the buzzards get you down! Walk your walk and protect your Dad from the interference and ignorance of others. You know what you are doing and why. Frankly, it sounds like the ones who DIDN'T show for Thanksgiving & birthday were the best of the lot. At least they didn't interfere. I always appreciated folks who, if they couldn't be of assistance, would at least stay out of the way. The less family drama a caregiver has to endure, the better.

OMG - a person with dementia at Chuck E. Cheese's!!! Could they have CHOSEN a worse place to bring an afflicted person? Maybe they'll take him to Disneyworld the next time!! Better yet - bring him to Mardi Gras!!

Sorry about y'all losing your pupdog. That's so difficult anytime, but especially when caregiving. The "flat" or "inappropriate" emotional response is typical of people suffering from brain damage and that response is yet another sting to an open wound in your heart. What's even worse is when they actually smile, laugh or giggle while you are telling them about something with tears in your eyes. TRY not to let it get to you, dear. This is one of those situations when we still need our parent, and we may try to reach out to them, but they may as well have left the building with Elvis... So many times, I wanted to call Mom to tell her about something that was lying heavy on my heart, but she wasn't available either by phone nor when I went into her room. Permanently out to lunch and inaccessible even though she was right there in front of me. ...sigh... It's a special kind of hurt and loss that caregivers suffer through... and it truly sux. People ask if I miss my mom and, oddly, I really don't - at least not any more than I have been missing her for years...

Best wishes for a PEACEFUL holiday season!!
{{{HUGS}}}

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Moms_Buddy,

WOOHOO, and we have 10 days left until Christmas, only 10. What will we do to amuse ourselves after that???

By the way, Paul... Great to have you check in. I love it when you find a moment to drop by. You have such a full plate.

I am very sorry about your dog. I miss my old goat so bad I do cry. I do believe there must be something good about your sister. Not all will work for the cause. It is a dear one to me. (I swear though, that is not meant to cut her any slack here.)

Hey All!

Sorry I haven't been around as much...there just doesn't seem to be much time anymore! However, this topic in particular, really gets to me.

Dad has been progressively getting worse. For a while he was substituting words that he forgot with others...he would ask where the white stuff was when he needed sugar, that type of thing. Now, however, he is kind of making up words...last week he told us that the creevisits were making room...have NO idea what that one was.

On top of it all, we lost my dog a month or so ago. She was young, only three, but had a blood clot. I was afraid of how Dad would take it as the dog was with him all day, but there was no emotion at all, which was strange...but on to the topic at hand.

Thanksgiving came and so came visits from my sister and brother (2 out of 6). Dads birthday is Dec 10, so as she was leaving she mentioned that she wanted to go out to dinner for dads birthday again this year. Last year, my partner and I had plans to take dad out, we invited my brother and he, in turn, invited other siblings. I said "sounds good" thinking she would plan it this year. She does not work and donates her time to a local animal shelter to help the animals. She has seen her father twice in the past 4 months! SO no word from her...his birthday comes and she shows up with her husband and child to see dad unannounced. The caregiver let them in and then complained to me about all of the chaos that it brought.
She did mention that they got to see what Dad was now like as others called him and he had no idea who anyone was. But the best part was when her husband told that caregiver that they had been waiting for a call about going out to dinner but I had never called them.

These are the same people who, last Christmas, I asked if Dad could go there for the day as I was going to my partners familys in NY and it was a three hour drive--the response was that it was not fair of me to expect someone else to cut their holiday short to watch dad. LOL! As if I was an indentured servant!

The other big talk while they visited was that my b-i-l said he heard that I wanted to put dad in a "funeral" home soon...he meant nursing home, but a little slip there. She explained that things were getting worse and it was not fair to expect me to continue this until the end.

So once again Dad was all riled up because of this, he was confused for days, he knew that someone had come to see him, but couldn't remember who or why, just that it was crazy. His plans for the days for a quiet lunch with our neighbors was gone and they took him ot Chuckie CHeese...so that confused him all the more...and I get to deal with the repercusssions...I love family!

Mom's buddy, had to laugh when you wondered how many family members will step up to the plate to give caregivers time for things this year. Can you say 0.....

This will be Mom's first Christmas here, and everything I got for her I ordered off the internet. At least SHE'LL have a good Christmas. When rest of the family don't get chit...maybe we tell them, "couldn't shop, nobody to take care of Mom for me"...

I also hate what Christmas has become too. I'm the worlds worst on picking out gifts for folks anyway the years I do have "shopping money".

And as far as Black Friday goes, it'll be a cold day in hell before I shop on a Black Friday!

I am SOOOO with you on Norman Rockwell Christmases. I have hated what most holidays have become for many years - they are nothing more than marketing and profit opportunities for business to drain our pocketbooks and fill the landfills with more useless shit. I scaled back many years ago and prefer to keep things very simple and personal. The idea of going shopping in a mob like Black Friday is absolute lunacy to me!

The small stuff is far better appreciated... just wish non-caregiving members of families would TRY to remember that and make some adjustments to include not only their homebound LO in the celebrations but the CAREGIVERS as well.

Wonder how many family members will step up and volunteer to take some extra shifts so the primary caregiver can take off to go shopping, go to social functions, etc. Call me jaded, but I suspect that number will be VERY low indeed...

Same thing went on here. And Mom can't get in and out of others homes either, so your Mom isn't the only one with that problem.

Seems others don't even think about stuff like that when they throw out the invitation. Much less things like "can she get on and off the toilet". Things like that frighten the krap out of my Mom. Its very imbarrassing to her, if she couldn't get up off a toilet, to have several of us help her up (although they wouldn't think twice before giving her a hand).

Mom don't like to go to others homes because of those things.

And you know, we never know when our last thankgving or Christmas with out Loved ones will be. We look back with no regret at all hon!

Personally, the holidays suck big time.
I just can't stand that Norman Rockwell, etc. vision. Strange isn't it? I'm usually the Pollyanna in most situations. All the millions of dollars spent on advertising, showing happy wonderful times, I just wanna puke! There are just way too many poor, sick, sad and lonely people out there! And that shoppers would trample a person to death to get a so called bargain! Ugh!

I just can't stand the commercialism!
Bah Humbug! Pass me some plates!

Salmagundi.. There are many recipes but Mom's is all vegetable.

Chopped brocolli, chopped spinach, french style green beens, baby butter beans. (equal amounts, from the freezer. I use 10 oz boxes of each). green onions cut in 1/2 inch pieces. All that goes in a big frying pan (with butter already hot.) add a cup of chicken broth, a dash of soy, some garlic powder. Cook until done stirring frequently. Season up anyway you like. It freezes well in small amounts so I make a lot.

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he says, I forgot its Friday. What? the day after T'day has been Friday for as long as I can remember!

Ummmm.... I resemble dat remark! Having weekday holidays ALWAYS screws me up all to hell and back... was visiting some friends Friday and they kept getting the weekend football schedule screwed up... Now THAT'S bad!!

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some of the people I know who love to make mosaics really need to meet your neighbors

Yeah - we could offer to sweep up those future pique assiette pieces!!! It sure gets embarrassing trying to explain to *normal* folks, the containers holding broken dishes parked all over my porch... Oh well, some people see trash, others see tesserae. Viva le difference!!

quote:

Salmagundi

Detailed explanation, please!!

I didn't stress too much over dinner, but there was turkey, dressing and gravy,,, cranberry sauce (jellied, no seeds) spiced peaches, baked sweet potato, a mixed green dish that she loves called Salmagundi, and water melon rind pickles. Later , Pumpkin pie with ice cream.

Bro did not call Thurs.


However, he did call Fri. morning at 11:15. He says they are getting off the highway and will be there in 5 minutes. Friday is hair day. I start getting Mom ready to go at 11am in order to get her in and out of the bathroom, dressed, so on.
He and his come in and he says, I forgot its Friday. What? the day after T'day has been Friday for as long as I can remember!

"Rush" Mom out of BR (actually I never rush her on any occasion,including his one. I rush ME) throw on clothes while I tell her what is going on, call the salon and tell Jane we might be a Leetle late. In they come bearing leftovers (Some of which are pretty good, especially the corn pudding).

In truth, I DO have a lot to be thankful for.


TORP. some of the people I know who love to make mosaics really need to meet your neighbors. That is just too wonderful a tradition. I love it..

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

quote:

Originally posted by MERRWID:
Hey, paper plates and PB&J. No muss, no fuss.
All kinds of time to sit, to talk, to laugh, to SHARE.
This could work.

Or you could do what my elderly neighbors do. Their tradition *may* have begun with her mother-in-law if I remember the story correctly; it's that longstanding a tradition. After a big family feast many years ago, one of the women jokingly said, "I wish we could just smash all these dishes instead of washing them." So every year since then, they scour garage sales for cheap used dinner plates that they take home and sterilize in the dishwasher. After Thanksgiving dinner, they all gather in the driveway and smash the dishes. I could hear them out there yesterday, four generations of them, throwing dishes and laughing.

You know, I was reflecting on this thread yesterday evening. We took my MIL to a restaurant. I was feeling a little sorry for myself because I haven't spent a Thanksgiving holiday with my mom and brothers in so many years since we (i.e. my husband, kids and I) are the only family members who care enough to ensure that his mother has a holiday observance.

Anyway, I was driving (my husband in a separate auto with her wheelchair) and just chit chatting with her. When I mentioned a niece who is expecting her first great-grandchild, she expressed surprise and joy. Now, I'm certain she's been told more than once. In fact, I'm certain I personally have talked to her about it, and am reasonably certain this niece has written or called about it.

But later I got to thinking. Because of her dementia, she is unable to remember consistently how neglected she is by the rest of the family. And because of her dementia, she gets to experience that joy of first learning good news over and over.

My husband made an extra trip to the nursing home in the evening as well, after she'd rested from the excitement earlier in the day, and took her a piece of her favorite pie that I had specifically baked for her, but which you can't typically find in restaurants. She was so happy about that pie! She'd already forgotten going out with us earlier in the day, but living in the moment isn't such a bad thing I suppose.

Hey, paper plates and PB&J. No muss, no fuss.
All kinds of time to sit, to talk, to laugh, to SHARE.
This could work.
To all of you I send thanks.
Make new memories with the loved ones you have.
Enjoy the memories of those no longer with us.

MB, I am sorry, my post didn't come out just right. I do appreciate TORPs sympathy and everybit as much needed your perspective. I promise you I will not waste the day.

Who knows even as far down the road as her birthday, what will be.

Sorry BC... didn't mean to rain on your parade...

We will celebrate, MB, I and I will be glad to be with her and I know she will be glad to have me with her. I am hoping my Bro can get loose from his other duties to at least come by and see her for a few minutes,he is less than 15 miles away.

Two of her long term CGs have already accepted my invite to come by on Mom's B'day and spend a little time with her all together so that we can sing happy birthday and have something sweet to eat.

.Thanks T.O.R.P. I needed a little sympathy as well as perspective.

Awwww, BC - try to remember what it's all about.
When Mom was in ICU the year of her car wreck, I cried through making dinner for my family with her recipes and couldn't choke down a bit, thinking of her on enteric feeding... She was always a very thin woman, but she loved to cook and eat good stuff!! And this year, I am not up to it. I wouldn't get past dragging out the recipes, many written in her handwriting... This will be a Thanksgiving of memories for me... and I'll enjoy myself nonetheless despite how bittersweet or quietly unconventional it may seem. We all have our ways of celebrating...

So CELEBRATE with your mom!! If it's TV dinners and a homemade pie, do something that suits the two of you! Who knows - it may become one of your fondest Thanksgiving memories. Please give her a big ol' hug from me and save one for yourself.

Sucks like a hoover.