I didn't know where else to put this.

Watching Mom, very slowly slipping away from this world.

It's by far the hardest job, I've ever had. How do you let go of the one person that's always been there for you for the last 51 years?

The 29th of this month, she'll be with me a full year. The past 5 months, I've seen her go downhill slowly, but yet it seems so fast.

Now I'm using a belt, till I can pick up a gaite belt tomorrow. Just to make sure she doesn't fall. She can barely walk now.

Today, a few times, she's cried cause she just can't do what she could a few months ago. Its hard watching her go through this.

Then I cried, as I said the blessing tonight. Asking God to help us see the way when we don't know what to do next.

I don't think I'll ever do anything this hard again in my life. Its so emotional for me. Hard to stop crying at times. Sometimes I have to take extra medication to keep me ok through this.

Tomorrow, we get a wheel chair, to make sure I can get her in and out of the house/car, safely. I know thats going to hurt her even more. But I need it. It hurt her enough with the potty chair, knowing she just can't get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night anymore by herself.

Seems every night when she goes to bed, I tell her just how much I love her. I never know if that will be the last time I get to say it to her.

I'm scard of loosing her. I'm scared of having to keep going on when it does happen. I'm just scard all the way around. I'm so hurt the end is getting closer. Right now, so many emotions going through me, I don't know which way is up.

Using the baby monitor when I'm not in the room with her all the time now.

God help me get through this.

Bren, that is the way the anger wall is supposed to work. By the time we fight through all this yellow type, we get it out of our systems. Glad it worked for you, honey.

Thanks BC. I look back on this thread, and its hard to believe I started it just 5 days ago. I sure feel much better since then.

Mom has been kinda lifted up too, with all the company she had Christmas eve and Christmas day.

She's getting used to what she can't do, and accepting it now. But still she keeps on trucking! She is one amazing woman.

Some days lately have been more emotional than others. Somehow, I keep hanging tight. Monday will be Mom and my "1st year anniversary" of her living with me. We laughed the other night that we could acutally pull this off, living together without fighting!

To My Dear Brenda, being bi-polar adds to this challange in ways I can't imagine. Still, believe me when I say, None of us do this 'perfectly'... If we have some perfect moments, WOW, What a gift!!!!Getting your appointment, tweaking your meds, some professional advice, all is extremely valuable, but there is no perfection.

Your own illness is not to blame for things being "not perfect". In fact, it is to your credit that you are honest with yourself about this. Let yourself off the hook for not being perfect. We simply are not.

There are times I struggle pretty hard with my own illness, which seems to add to whats going on here at home too.

When I wrote this, it was a very hard day on me. Some days are much harder than others. Some are a breeze. I have my own doc appointment in early January. I can't get in any sooner.

Till then, I many not do things perfect like I'd like to, but I do my best. Thank you all so much for listening to me.

There is never a good time to wrestle with our mortality but dealing with it in the dark of winter, around a holiday, has to be the absolute worst.

Remember all the little tips that make so much difference -- get yourself some sunshine and exercise when you can. Stay hydrated. And don't forget to wiggle your toes. Often. :-)

I so wish I had more grand suggestions but sometimes the little ones help. Best wishes to you and yours.

Was making a late night flyby and am hoping that you had a better day today, Brenda! {{{HUGS}}}

quote:

every night when she goes to bed, I tell her just how much I love her. I never know if that will be the last time I get to say it to her.

An "I love you" and kiss goodnight is something folks don't get in facilities! Every night, I'd tell mom the same exact thing and she'd reply, "I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck." And I'd reply, "Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite and I'll see you in the morning light." It seemed a little scripted sometimes, but I sure do miss our little nightly routine...

Give your mom one of those hugs I sent you from me, willya?

I don't know what to say to you except that I want you to know I am praying for you and your mother. My prayer is that you have strength to continue on this difficult journey, peace in your heart and that you feel the love that all your friends have for you/

Blessings for you and a great big hug....

Yep. All of what you said and more.
BREATHE....
It's only life and this IS part of it. While one DOES have to think about the future and make whatever plans and preparations we can in advance of the death of our loved ones, when that is done, there's nothing to be done but live each day, each hour and minute. One doesn't know when the moment will come, so it's important to get whatever one can from each chance. It's kinda hard to ignore their suffering, frustration and weariness not to mention our own emotions, but try to save those up for the end of the day. This phase does truly suck, but it's simply the way of things.

Yesterday's gone and tomorrow's not here yet. You can spend today overcome by sadness and angst, or you can make other choices. Having emotions, we can't help - it's what we do with them that matters. The only thing we CAN affect is attitude.

Carpe diem, dear.

quote:

To dwell on what might happen or what you will lose eventually is only going to serve one purpose and that is to make not only you miserable but your mom as well and not only that you could miss out on whats most important...time.

Brenda, what BG said is true for all of us at all times with everyone we love. Those of us in a care giving roll for a loved one have a curse of having the future loss right in our faces,,,And we have the blessing of having the chance to tell our LO how grateful we are for having them in our lives....And we have the honor and privilege of having been chosen to share this part of the journey with them. You might call it God, or Karma, or Fate, but we are given a chance to have a special role in the life of some one we love. We may not be fuly aware of the challanges to come, but we take it on.

It is hard, but you are doing something for her that others refused to do. Hold your head up, Baby Girl, you are in good company, here. Focus on what you CAN do today.

Honey I know this is a tough job but theres one thing I want you to think about.
That is to ENJOY the time you have left with mom and not dwell on what is happening or what could happen.
Let me open up a little...I WISH with all my heart I could be in your shoes, to have those extra days with my own mom, but I didnt get that chance.
What I got instead was a snap and poof, she was gone quite unexpectedly.
She wasnt suppose to pass she was suppose to be that 99% that makes it through that surgery instead my mom chose that 1% and left me to figure out the big bad world all by myself...
Never will I hear her call me with another little anecdote or her reading my chart to tell me my forecast for the coming month ahead or just to hear her say "I love you" just one more time.
We were finally healing old wounds, and now nothing.
Do you see what I am saying sweetie?
To dwell on what might happen or what you will lose eventually is only going to serve one purpose and that is to make not only you miserable but your mom as well and not only that you could miss out on whats most important...time.
You dont think mom feels you?
Your her daughter honey of course she does!
Go outside or grab a pillow an scream your bloody head off then take a deep breath square those shoulders of yours make peace within yourself and place a smile on your face.
Go in grab mom in a big ole bear hug and tell her you love her *give a lil extra from me too*
Say goodnight Gracie get a good nights sleep and lets start tomorrow off with a smile
How bout this while your at it...write down on a piece of paper what your grateful for tomorrow and tape somewhere where you'll see it. Repeat that task everyday