Here I go again. The aid who I referenced in another post who, with all the things I don’t like about her, I still consider(ed) what she’s done for me as “immeasurable” and “thankful” for her…. just quit and walked out the friggen door. I was in the middle of chaos when she walked in, trying to gather all county records and bills that are due this month….my mother breathing down my back, not letting up, bugging the sh*t out of me and in walks Mona. In her usual fashion, frowning, comes into the room where I’m intensely going over paperwork, she stops to tell me that she didn’t like the way I was unhappy yesterday when she phoned me to tell me she wouldn’t be coming in. I asked her if she thought I should have been happy that I knew she wasn’t coming in when she knows how much I need and depend on her. “Of course I was unhappy”, I told her. She proceeded to tell me with one hand on her hip and her voice elevated that she’s got a lot of problems, her sister doesn’t feel well, etc.. I stopped her and told her that all she did everyday was complain about how she doesn’t feel well, how unhappy she is and that I too don’t feel well and to please stop this nonsense and tend to my father. She kept it up, wanted to talk (more like, argue) and I got up and told her (by now, my voice too was elevated) to stop immediately, that this conversation has gone far enough and that I wanted it ended now and to please get to work, that I can’t afford to listen to her woes, that I needed her to take care of my father. She then asked in a threatening, daring tone and out of nowhere, “Do you want me to quit?” I told her that if that’s what she wanted to do, then that’s what I wanted. And with that, she quit! This is what I get for being so good to her. A big lesson especially with her because with every inch I gave her, she took more and more advantage. She's supposed to work 2 hours and has never worked a full 2 hours. It bothered me but I always contained myself, never said a word, didn’t want to be unreasonable because she does so much and as long as what's most important gets taken care of, is what I should never lose sight of which, I never did. I've given her so many clothes, some hardly worn. I've made her big, potted exotic plant arrangements because she asked me to and it was my pleasure. Never got a thank-you which I found odd but I continued to find pleasure in making her more arrangements anyway. There were days she was late or wanted to come at different times than what we wanted and I never made any of this difficult for her. I suspect by now she's regretting what she did and no matter how difficult I find this transition until I find someone else, she will never work here again. I feel as if I've lost total control of my life. I won't allow anyone to manipulate me even if my life will be made easier by taking her back. I feel like my oxygen supply has just been cut off. I can’t take any more of this. I sometimes wish I would just die….a nightmare that always gets worse and I’m constantly saying to myself how it can’t get any worse and I’m always shown how it can.

Why do I feel like I have it worse than anybody else?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: SandyF,

Thank the stars! Good to hear Sandy! Take a moment to yourself and just breath for a moment...and backatcha baby!

Sandy, Good news on your dad! Now about going back to being miserable, this is your time to work with the social worker at the hospital and get your dad into first temporary living arrangements through Medicare (which picks up most of the the tab for the first 100 days) and then Medicaid (which allows for a community spouse allowance and enables your mom to live in the family home). I've been through this with my parents and, in fact, my dad is still getting the community spouse allowance while he lives in my home. I have to charge him rent to satisfy Medicaid's requirements. The old arrangement was not working for you or your dad. His safety is at risk and so is your mental health. I realize you are overwhelmed, but you must take the time to think about different living arrangements and not just focus on Thanksgiving. This case should not be closed. This is the time to explore your options and we are willing to being your sounding board as you do so. You can still be miserable and complain (remember, you've got your mom to take care of), but your dad needs different arrangements.

Just a quickie here. My father made it through the surgery so, this topic is now officially closed, done, over with!!!! LOL! It's back to life as usual....being miserable!!!! YIPPPPEEEEE!

I'm now going to get my Thanksgiving shopping list together because I'm doing some serious cooking for the holiday! One thing I do great is Thanksgiving!

Thank you doesn't even come close to the gratefullness I feel towards you all for being here for me. I love you all!

Dear Sandy,
Saying a prayer for your Dad, You and your Mom.
I just can't find the words, but please know my heart aches for what you all have been going through.
Big hugs to you....
Sandra

My thoughts are with you, Sandy, and your dad.

Amen... Prayers in spades here for you Sandy. I hope all goes well for your dad!

I spoke with Sandy a little while ago - her father is going in for surgery this afternoon at 4pm - everyone please keep Sandy & her mom & dad in your thoughts as they go through this difficult time. The docs have built him up for the surgery - UTI is taken care of and he has received some blood to boost his platelets to the optimum level... Sandy's awful worried - having her dad in such frail condition is hard on a daughter...

Sandy, keep the faith, baby, and know we'll all be pulling for y'all!

Sandy, I'm hoping that your dad makes it through this and you both have some quality time to spend with each other before he leaves this world. It is very, very difficult to allow the tremendously deep love and respect that we have for our parents to reveal itself when we find ourselves stuck in a caregiving situation that we resent. Some people on this BB are just such amazing folks and rise to the occasion with great love, compassion, and take the sacrifices in stride. Others, like you and I, are doing the caregiving out tremendous love for our parents, but we don't want to be caregivers nor do we like doing it. Don't feel guilty, just recognize it for what it is and figure out the best solution for you and your parents. You know you couldn't go on the way things were and you may find that living in a nursing home is the best solution for your dad and he may want to be there rather than at home because he feels safer (no aides who may or may not show or who may or may not drop him). That's what happened to my mom. She always swore she would never go into a nursing home and I promised I'd never put her in one, but after she ended up in the hospital and was transferred to a nursing home for the 100 days, she decided to stay long-term rather than return home. It was her choice and I was sure surprised. She had four very wonderful years at the nursing home in Massachusetts. The one's she in now in Connecticut is fine, but it's light years away from what she had, the tradeoff is that now she can be close to her family and that's where she wants to be right now. So I guess my point is that things change and the best place for your dad may not be at home once he gets through this, but see how it all shapes up. It's too early to tell. My best friend's mother broke both her hips at 90 and had them replaced. She had a bad heart as well, so I don't think optimism is misplaced. My thoughts are with you at this very difficult time. How is your dad doing? How about your mom?

quote:

ya killin' me here trying to figure out what 7934 means.

Why, that's the crisis number count... or is it #8439?

All jokes aside, I know this is so difficult for you right now, Sandy. Please know we're all holding you and yours in our thoughts. Please hug your dad for us and whisper to him that a whole bunch of folks he doesn't know are praying for him... Tell yo' mama, too! {{{HUGS}}}

Oh Mar, thanks for your note. It's all going to be ok! And don't forget, when this is all over, we have a date with BOH on the Mexican Reviera to pick and choose all those beautiful muscles while we lay on the beach with our pina coladas

Sandy honey I'm so sorry for all you are going through and you are in my prayers. I can understand about being on auto pilot to be able to cope. We just do what we have to do to get through these things. I also have my friends on a back burner, at least those that will stay, and like you are grateful for my friends here. It's an understanding that we have with what we all are going through even though none of the problems are exact we do understand what the c/g goes through. I bet the whole lot of us would be friends out of here

quote:

Originally posted by Bunnys_grl:
Sandy I am so sorry for what has happened here to your dad! I just finally got on today and read what happend...you are all in my prayers...

Thanks BG. It's crazy, like being a recovering addict....one day at a time is my motto now and yet, I can't wait for the days to pass to have this behind me. Go figure..... It will all be ok though, this I know!

Yes, 3 months GS that Medicare will cover a n.h. facility. Actually, I think it's 100 days and for the first time, I'm being cautiously optimistic too. I refuse to let my father go now! He survived so much that it became a joke (sadly) how he would outlive all of us. That man has been so direly sick for too long and to think that this idiot aide comes along and in one quick moment, can carelessly cause his demise is totally unacceptable to me! At least for now....while I still have hope. I'm just thankful that it was his paralyzed side that was hurt and not his right side.

I'm really ok GS. I'm one of those whose thinking becomes crystal clear when it comes to this. I'm on automatic pilot!!! I think a lot of that has to do with plain old guilt. I have spent so much time resenting being in this position and even if I didn't show it as much as I felt it, those every day feelings weighed me down terribly. I'm not in a position right now to resent, only hope.

Thank you again for your words GS. This board is my connection to friendships that have otherwise been placed on the back shelf, regrettably. It feels good to know that that I'm being thought of now. I don't feel so all alone in this because of people like you!

Love,
Sandy

P.S. I hope everything is going smoothly for you and having your mother close, comforting. Hope your father is adjusting and not causing any bad feelings for you and hubby! I've got some catching up to do in finding out how life is going for you once this is behind me.

Sandy I am so sorry for what has happened here to your dad! I just finally got on today and read what happend...you are all in my prayers...

Sandy, How very sad for your dad. Medicare should pay for your dad up to three months in a nursing home or convalescent facility after the surgery (I'm being very optimistic about his recovery), so please don't rush to bring him home from the hospital. I certainly will keep you, your mom, and your dad in my prayers. How are you holding up? Has any of the family come forward at this time to help you and your mom? You can't be in two places at the same time - with your dad and with your mom. I don't know how you are able to do it. I shall pray extra hard for you as your strength is holding everything together.

quote:

Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:
PLEASE be KIND to yourself in this time of crisis (#7934).

MB: I'll be in touch but ya killin' me here trying to figure out what 7934 means. I'm rackin' my brain out here. I give up! What's 7934? Now, 5616 makes sense
Love,
Sandy

Gail, thanks for your note. Haven't been here in a while...don't have the time these days.

Yes, the aid dropped my father and that idiot, the way he transferred him, was what he thought, the easy way, by lifting him instead of assisting him.

My father's having a hard time right now because he's been too ill for the surgery and he needs the surgery, a must, no way around it. He's in heart failure that's increased substantially since his last xray (last month he was in e.r. - that's when I told that young woman to avoid caregiving, like you were once told) so they've been working on his platelet’s, plus his kidneys, plus a uti. They have him on this heavy narcotic called Dilaudid and he seems even more confused and delusional than usual but the nurses tell me that it doesn't cause those symptoms so I have no idea what's going on with this. They have him scheduled to operate on Tuesday and he'll go to this ward that will emphasize heart monitoring?.....something like that. Anyway, I'm wiped right now. No, he won't go into a nursing home indefinitely, only until he recovers. He can't have rehabilitation because he's totally left-side paralyzed; the side with the broken hip....thank God for small things, huh?

quote:

Originally posted by GailSusan:
How is your mom handling this?.

She doesn't have the strength to go and visit him but has made a couple of trips. She's weak, weary, blind and knows that I'm taking care of the decisions, consents, relaying info to her and spending time with my father so he doesn't feel any more lost than he already is. I'm his connection that tells him that this ain't the end of the road......and I hope it's not. As we say in my family, "it's besharet", meaning it's all meant to be.

I'm not a praying woman but all prayers are welcome...LOL

Thanks so much Gail for your thoughts. I'll be in touch to give updates.

Love,
Sandy

Sandy, I'm so sorry. I just read the posts now and it sounds like when the aide dropped your dad that was what caused the broken hip. Your poor dad, even if your dad makes it through this crisis, it doesn't sound like he will be coming home. The social worker at the hospital will likely recommend transfer to a nursing home or hospice. I hope your dad doesn't have to suffer and they give him sufficient pain medication. How is your mom handling this?

You've really done an amazing job caring for both your parents in their home. You've made tremendous sacrifices and you'll look back on this at some point and know that you did all you could.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

Sandy, I know you are worried outtta your mind right now. Just know you'll be in our thoughts and that we're all sending energy and strength to get through whatever you need to do. PLEASE be KIND to yourself in this time of crisis (#7934). You have been through so much and just kept on like an eveready bunny. Don't second-guess yourself now - you have been doing an outstanding job caring for your parents!

Wish we were all close enough to take turns walking the floor with you, dear. Hang in there and keep the faith.