I am the only sister in my family. We have been through a lot in the last two years. My dad died, we sold the family home that we had built and lived in for 30 years, mom broke her wrist and has had a myriad of heart problems. Now mom lives 3 miles away from me. I am single, no kids, a very demanding but rewarding job. We realized this past summer that mom was failing and I stepped in to help every day. I worked 80 hours a week in the summer and was with my mom on all of my days off for doctors appointments.

In August mom went to visit a brother in another state, the first full day she was there, she broke her hip and her wrist. She had a hip replacement and 9 pins put in her wrist. I went to see her while she was recovering @ a nursing home. She had developed edema in her legs, her leg blistered and became infected with staph. She came home a month later to my care, I took her to her doctors here and she was admitted to the hospital, recovery center, and then nursing home. I just brought her home in mid-December.

It has been a huge learning process. Working with doctors, catching mistakes, trying to figure out all of the hoops to jump through with a myriad of rules. Since it was inconvenient for everyone since it was the holidays, no one phoned me or helped through the holidays. I did not get a holiday, have a tree, go to church, have a second of rest and I have an extended family here! Who knew that in my deepest hour of need, no one would be there. I am beyond deparessed.

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Originally posted by sldbrem:Who knew that in my deepest hour of need, no one would be there. I am beyond deparessed.

Just know sldbrem, that when all is said and done, You were there for your mother. Thankfully for you, your mother knows that you were there for her.

How is your mother doing now?

sldbrem, It sounds to me like you are doing a great job! Making a family website with a calendar is a fantastic idea! Of course, people DO have to check in for it to work... BUT if you built it, they will come (Kevin Costner wouldn't lie, would he?), right?

With the care setup already in place, it sounds like a meeting needs to happen to remind people that they must sign up for weekend care or a caregiver will have to be employed at whatever cost (how much is YOUR time worth?!!) whether they like it or not. If they don't want to pay, there's only one solution: step up and take over a care shift.

I hope that you are keeping a log at your Mom's that EVERY caregiver can sign and record notes to share information with each other... like "Mom's coat needs to go to the dry cleaners next week" or "Mom's color was ashen and she reported an upset stomach. Administered an alkaseltzer at 4:30 pm", etc. Many hands make for light work, but ONE of you has to coordinate her care (I guess that's you, right?), talk with doctors/nurses, etc. It's too confusing for medical personnel to talk with many different family members at different times to discuss care - all that communication neds to be left to one person who can then disseminate medical information received to the other family members and share their concerns with the medical personnel.

Unfortunately, people will let you do as much as you will do, so it's real important that you make it crystal clear that you are ONE of her children and will NOT provide all her "off-duty" care. Being strict and assertive NOW will prevent bad habits and bad feelings from forming.

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This has also helped with her demeanor. A year ago on Christmas Eve, she was angry, unlike her old personality, and told me to leave her alone and never come see her again. I hadn't heard anything like that until yesterday, New Years, when she told me the same thing.

This kind of remark is "par for the course." I hope you told her "OK. I won't come see you again until next year!", kiss her on h er forehead and sashay out of the room without missing a beat. I hope you know that remarks like that are a symptom of her illness and are NOT representative of her true feelings in any way... Easy to say, but still hard to hear sometimes...

Good luck with your brothers. Please let us know how you address this issue as other members here face similar problems and will benefit from knowing how you resolve your situation.

Thank you for all of your help and insights. Logically, I have thought of some of the ideas, but as you all know, when you're in the middle of it, it sometimes feels like there is no way out.

My mother is in the early stages of dementia. It has progressed a lot this year but I believe that we have finally figured out the right drugs to at least slow it down. This has also helped with her demeanor. A year ago on Christmas Eve, she was angry, unlike her old personality, and told me to leave her alone and never come see her again. I hadn't heard anything like that until yesterday, New Years, when she told me the same thing.

She lives on her own after getting out of a Nursing home where she recovered from her hip replacement, broken wrist, staph, and major depression. I stayed with for the first three weeks. She lives in a beautiful little house in a 55 and older community. All the gardening is done for her.

Due to her medical conditions, I have a visiting nurse that comes 2 X a week and my mom has a companion 5 days a week for 4 hours a day. The evenings, weekends, and doctor appointments are mine.

My brothers would like to minimize her care / companion on the weekends as it is time and a half pay. What they do not realize is that this requires someone to go make her her meals, give her her pills and tend to any other needs she may have.

I realize that I am lucky and my mother has financial means, it is just so hard. Every night I go to her home for 3-4 hours, weekends I am there on and off for 8 hours. There is never a free moment.

We set up a family website with a master calendar, all of her information, etc. I am the only one who visits it or posts to it. I guess I feel better now for ranting. I have read many books on taking care of your aging parents, what to do, how to do it, etc.

You are right, we will have to have another round table to discuss mom and what we will do next. Thank you all for caring and helping me out. Of course I love my mom and want to help her as much as I can.

sldbrem -- I'm a single caregiver. Luckily, I'm a professor so I don't have to be at work all the time which gives me time to take care of Mother. My workplace has been very kind and helpful during the last 5 1/2 years. My brother lives about 1000 miles away and is useless. But I think you should get together with the family and parcel out the jobs. Also I highly recommend home health. They will bathe your mother, check her medical stuff and even do light housekeeping. We went through several aides from home health before we got Dianna, the gift of the gods. If you get home health, don't be afraid to say if an aide isn't working out. There are wonderful home health folks out there and they really help. Also, if you can afford it, get a housekeeper to clean the house. I did that and my doctor said it was the most intelligent thing I've done since Mother moved in. You must take care of yourself, so make those family members help. Otherwise, threaten to send your mom to them. That will elicit lots of response.

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Since it was inconvenient for everyone since it was the holidays, no one phoned me or helped through the holidays. I did not get a holiday, have a tree, go to church, have a second of rest and I have an extended family here! Who knew that in my deepest hour of need, no one would be there.

Welcome, sldbrem. Patterns of behavior in families are frequently frustrating and hard to change. Each family member feels like they have a lot on their plates - and they do! So often, the person who initially "steps up" to organize care for their elder is the one who gets "stuck" with the duty. After your prior experience with your mom falling during a visit, I can understand why you might be loathe to take her to visit others when you need some time off!

You've been through a rough experience and although I am sure you are exhausted and feeling more than a little jaded, I doubt that this has been or will be your deepest hour of need, despite your feeling of abandonment during the holidays...

Now that the holidays are over, it's time for you to have a round table discussion with your extended family members. NOW is the time to set down some rules of caregiving and it is most helpful if EVERYONE has a stake in making decisions. Don't allow others to wiggle off the hook - the duty of watching out for your mom does NOT fall to you alone but if you allow it, it'll be your mantle to carry. Don't allow your family to overlook YOUR needs just because you don't sport a spouse and mini-van full of kids! Your holiday experience, however, is not unlike that of many parents... too much to do for others and little time for yourself. Just as one parent learns how to cooperatively share the workload with the other, you will have to learn how to get help from others to cooperate in your mom's care.

You did not mention much about your mom and her abilities... does she need 24 hour care? Is she now living with you or is she living independently with assistance? How's Mom's mental status?

Obviously, things did not go ideally for you and your mom... cudos for recognizing her medical issues with the staph infection and getting her to a better treatment facility! You did good!

Mid-December is a rotten time to have to organize ANYTHING new, but January is a great time to rethink things. Make it Resolution #1 to make solid plans for your Mom's future care that includes all willing members of the family. If you have unwilling members, don't spend much energy on obsessing on their lack of participation - just step over them and don't look back! Hammer out a plan for Mom's care that distributes the workload more evenly so that you will not be left unassisted when times get busy.

Many blessings to you for stepping up to help your mom despite your career! I hope that you can arrange things to take some of the responsibility off you. Fill us in on some of the details when you have time and know you are talking with people who DO understand what you are going through. Looking forward to getting to know y'all.

sldbrem (((Hugs))) welcome in
Glad you found your way here these halls are filled with great people who know exactly how you feel. You are among friends here. Im so very sorry you had to start here though wadda mess. Learning the ropes in eldercare is not easy by any means. Even the most skilled person in this situation falters at times. Dont beat yourself up here anymore your doing the best you can with the skills and knowledge you have at the moment...
Family and friends helping...well....Yup kinda goes with the territory. Sometimes we get lucky and have support but there are a few that dont..just look at it this way Baby they cant handle this kind of mess, theres alot of people who cant.
Sometimes though its as simple as just asking for help. Have you asked your family or friends for help yet?
As an afterthought is there a Medical Social worker on your moms case yet? These are wonderful people who can give you some ideas on what you can do here and whats available to you in your area.