Taking care of the caregiver is about healthy living, stress reduction, and maintaining a positive outlook.

Now Id like to slap that upside someones head here.
When the hell did a nephew (MIL's) EVER think he had the right to tell me how to run my home and the care I give to my MIL?
Imagine for a moment Grand Central station...thats been the scene at my home for the last 2 weeks (drama for the last, what 3 months) So I allow people in my home to visit mil thats ok...In comes a DISTANT relative she brings in husband daughter and friend mind you mil is already over stimulated so since she doesnt know H GF or the young daughter I restrict the visit to only the lady who BTW mil doesnt remember.
MIL is having a real tough time with this visit so we cut it short no problem right the lady seems to understand this point....
fast forward a few days I get a PC from MIL's nephew Sunday telling me to get my mil on the line NOW! Ok Im gonna be respectful against my better judgment give my mil the phone since she hasnt spoken to this particular nephew in what a year or 2? I stand there 6 feet away and can hear this SOB shouting into the ear of my mil asking questions about ME!
Take the phone back and ask this inconsiderate moron if he was aware his aunt had AD..."I dont care what she has this is MY Aunt and I will speak to her if I want! I am bringing my brothers and sisters there and theres not a dam thing you can do about that!"
Oh Lord have mercy babygirl get a hold of yourself get hunny quick before you blow
Well Hunny was no better! LMAO! Told his ass off after the SOB has the nerve to start callin hunny names ending with Shes my Aunt! *Hunny* Yeah well Shes my Mother FO and dont come around here EVER you got that!
Not a good thing to get hunny upset BIG HUGE mistake Hes still fumin....why?
Because mil is talkin to herself nonstop, banging anything in her path and 80% of her body is now covered in sores from her picking... blood all over the place....Id like to say Aricept is doing its job but that aint gonna happen

I gotcha BC hunny is stickin up for his woman is all Let him. My hunny does the same with my brother also I say nothing when he does because I know its all about his protection of me...
But then again my opinion of my brother is probably lower than hunnys
Again I ask....How the hell could we have come from the same mother

BG, my Hubby tries very hard to give me the support I need, but in my case, it is my Mom, and there is very little he can do to correct the family disfunction, and he knows this. He tries very hard to hold back, and I try very hard to reinforce the attributes my bro does have. Hub thinks I should consider myself an only child, but thank whatever, Bro still handles his part.
We have become a very small fami;y so fast.
My problem is more how I can get my Hub to give credit where it is due.
Sounds like a petty problem, compared to everything else, but when I try to mention the good things about Bro's input, I get accused of the PollyAnna complex, and then I feel caught in the middle again. Hub is an astute observer of humanity, and I give him credit for an independent viewpoint, but sometimes, it is not supportive when he talks about the sacrifices I make and doesn't credit Bro. And I know a lot of his opinion is based on listening to me, when I gripe, but I try to balance the issues and he keeps to his own opinion. Basically that as far as Mom is concernerned, I'm an only child.
Bro is a hassle sometimes, and that is all Hub sees. I should be glad he is a bear on my side, but I'm still stuck in the middle, here.
I try to just focus day to day on Mom.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bobcat,

Amen to that Torp. And Baby thanks again I found another name!

Girlfriend, keep up the genealogy. Surely we'll find that our husband are related. How such good, decent men come out of these vipers' nests is beyond my comprehension.

MB you hit the nail on the head there...
I think my problem is that I am almost becoming sort of tone deaf with all of this (little warning feelings still there) but the tone of voice does not bother me quite as much as it used to. Im used to the way MIL speaks to me when shes clearly agitated very coarse and short.
I completely agree with mother versus MIL thats where I falter I would not have tolerated this with my own mother at all nor my Gran I would become like a mama bear should anyone think they could speak to them in such a manner.

MIL I cant be like that simply because the people in this family are constantly trying to find fault here.
Its amazing to me how self righteous these people are at times...sneaky and underhanded too I just cant trust anyone.
Hunny wonders why the spouses of these family members come to me to vent?!
This is exactly why. I have never met such a mean spirited bunch of people.
IMHO they all need a hobby they are way too busy up in other peoples business, never listening to all sides of a story before passing their almighty heavy handed judgment on outsiders cause their so daggum perfect. If ANYONE believes that I got a bridge to sell.....
Nope baby, I am done with them, phone calls, letters... they can all go to the big bad fire pit for all I care...this ass crossed a line with me he cant make better no matter how hard he tries he lost access to his Aunt on Sunday for good

BG, in all fairness - most of us are honest, truly NICE people... when confronted by utter a**holes, we frequently don't think real quickly on our feet 'cause it's just not in our nature to react swiftly and mercilessly toward people like this. We spend our time thinking of others, whether we like them or not. We accept a wide range of behavior despite how screwed up it may seem to us, because we TRY to look into the hearts of people and act accordingly. Probably SOMEWHERE in nePHEW's tiny little heart, there exists some form of love for his aunt... childhood memories, feelings for his father, etc. Who knows... That's the trouble with us... we bend over backwards to understand and accommodate the needs, wants and desires of others and it's real hard to straighten up at the drop of a hat and whip our our swords. There have been times (not with this caregiving situation, but during life in general) that I have gotten a phone call with someone yelling on the other end and actually LISTENED... The first time I hung up on someone, I felt like a sleepwalker who had awoken to catch themselves in the act of doing something terribly wrong! I remember sitting there with the phone humming a dial tone in my hand thinking I was a bad, bad girl. How could I have DONE that?!!!

In my mom's case, I'd have no problem with this whatsoever, BUT if it were my MIL for whom I was caring, I would not be as quick to act because that's an entire family I was NOT born into whose dynamics are foreign to me. One always fears that one is being overbearing in a situation to which we are not primary parties. Family IS family, but I think if we are all being honest, our spouse's family always are set slightly apart from us even if we dearly love all concerned. I think it's the unfamiliar territory of not having been raised up with them all.

Chaulk it up to getting caught with your pants down... it can happen to anyone. Now that you have had this experience, I feel sure that nePHEW is one crack through which ill winds will never again blow toward your MIL if there's breath in your body.

I sure hope the docs can find a cause for the scratching or a medication which will reduce the obsession. Sometimes, caregiving for someone who cannot articulate how they are feeling and why they do what they are doing is like veterinary medicine - ya have a patient with significant symptoms who cannot tell you what it is that's troubling them. Some docs have an instinct for this kind of blind diagnosis - I sure hope hers does!

Maybe when unpleasant friends and family try to contact our loved ones via telephone, they should politely be told that it is not a good day and to please write the person a letter and we'll be sure that they get it and read it to them, if necessary.

Amen Torp you said it we are blessed in that our hunnys do stand up for us
Bless yours for doing so also It goes a long way for us when we see they really do protect us from these kinds of ingrates.

Mae like you I did the same here with her, new mattress, beddings, cotton clothing, mild bath soap, still no luck. Her picking is compulsive but I know when she does go through this it is stress which I told the doc about, to push the point across I related to him a time in particular when the Dad was still alive he suffered his first major stroke, she then broke out in a rash (unbelievable) the worst I had ever seen.... so most of this is stress I havent a doubt, right now she is completely being stubborn (understandably) from watching her on the monitor I can tell when shes about to go off on herself I run up there to redirect but she is pretty agitated by that time so Im lookin for clues to get there before it goes that far. I think right now it is the constant turning to look at the clock but Im not so sure yet... there is a few things she does, sometimes Im right on the money other times not.
Right now I know the act of constant rubbing on any part of her body means she is getting agitated and ready to blow if she starts to whisper to herself she will start pacing which means it will be a restless night for her theres a whole bunch of little rituals she goes through for each behavior right now. This monitoring her is amazing to catch these behaviors in action, it really helps out
and yes I would have loved to give that yahoo what for so I did the next best thing I emailed his sister who he talks to to tell her what his little phone call did to his aunt...nothin like a good ole dose of guilt and blame to cure assholitis or at the very least put the SOB in the hot seat with the rest of his family!

This is an area where we are both blessed, BG: our husbands will stand between us and their idiot family, and will stand up for us.

It really has been a relief for me not to feel like I have to fight with these people. I just tell them, "I'm doing as told in support of my husband. You can talk to him, or you can talk to his brother." They won't call either of them; they know what to expect: to be told to shut up and butt out.

Bunnys Girl, we live and learn.We never know what to expect from strangers but when it comes from family the feelings are more intense,
My sister in law brings out the worse in me.So I do not have her in my life.Sadly, my brother is afraid to stand up to her, so he is not in my life.So sad because we are so much alike and have the same likes.We could be the best of friends but I annnd any other becomes a threat to her and she goes for the jugular,
I have no time for mean spirited , self centered people.
When I had the dermotoligist test me he said some of my problem with skin was from stress the other contact dermatitus.It use to drive me crazy with itching.When the rest got it I knew it had to be something we all had in common.The doctor told me I was reching to far when trying to find an answer.I cleaned the house top to bottom.Cleaned all the mattresses and put special protective mattress covers on.I was so thrilled when I found the answer.I told him I was tired of being Mrs Clean to the extreme.It took 3 doctors before I got the correct diagnosis.
My picking is compulsive as was my mothers.Hers also was caused by her fears and anxiety.
It is sad when you think how much an illness can reach into our own physical and emotional well being.
I hope tomorrow proves to be better for you, hubby and his mom.I know how this affected mom because of the way my husband behaves with alot of confusion.
Wouldn"t it have felt good to have been able to pop this guy?

Yup MB I tell ya this was not one of my wisest moments here Im kickin myself to the curb on this one for sure! The whole time I was arguing with myself over this guy I really didnt want to hand off the phone even went so far as to ask hunny if he was always this rude and he told me this is the son of his uncle they all talk like that...well they kinda do but this was a little different he was mad at me it sounded and I was right he doesnt like me...tough I just didnt think that would carry over to his aunt so lesson is learned
Appointment/cream done its not allergies its what I told you shes self mutilating He is going to look into something as well as me and we will talk tomorrow so right now Im off to research..
and you know baby it goes without saying thanks for the kick in the pants I needed it friend

I cannot add anything to what's been said about the nephew's behavior, except that hubby would have had seconds... ANYONE who talks that way to me or my mom (or any patient with whose care I have been charged) will hear a reprimand first directly from me. I can be polite, yet extremely firm with folks. For them to persist would only cause the telephone to suddenly go dead in their hands... I dunno WHO this a**hole thinks he is, but he's way down on the next-of-kin list not to mention he is completely, utterly and totally outta line. I don't take sh*t off ANYONE for any reason - I don't care HOW distraught they are! They have no right to pull their dump truck up and try to dump their load at my address.

quote:

telling me to get my mil on the line NOW!

THAT never woulda happened. I will NEVER give the telephone to mom with a caller who is demanding, angry, etc. It's nothing but smooth sailin' for her and anyone trying to make things not so will have to climb over my dead body to get to her.

quote:

ask...if he was aware his aunt had AD... "I dont care what she has this is MY Aunt and I will speak to her if I want!

Actually, no you won't, brat. I would have told him that if he doesn't care what she has, then he has just rendered himself unfit to be allowed a visit of ANY kind. I would have recommended that he call a psych specialist to educate him about the disease, then when (if) his mind is straight, call back with a respectful attitude and I might consider putting his call through. Click.

I'm glad your husband was there to settle things but I hope you NEVER AGAIN allow a call through to her that would be upsetting to her. Better to err on the side of overprotection, than to have her upset in any way, shape or fashion.

quote:

mil is talkin to herself nonstop, banging anything in her path and 80% of her body is now covered in sores from her picking... blood all over the place....Id like to say Aricept is doing its job but that aint gonna happen

PLEASE don't allow her to be in this situation ever again! Whether relatives want to see her is NOT the primary concern here - MIL's mental balance IS. What do these people think? That the confusion doesn't BOTHER the patient? SCREW a buncha distant relatives or even close ones if they do not understand what this disease is all about!

As for MIL's picking - has the doctor seen this? Has she been to a dermatologist to see if there is an organic reason that she may be picking? Don't just go on her history before the AD set in because that may not present an accurate picture. Have it checked out! If truly 80% of her body is covered with bleeding sores, she is a walking invitation to terrible infection and her condition should be medically monitored by the doc and by an RN. There's a time and place for us to handle medical tasks and chores and make recommendations based upon our observations, but this should exist under the umbrella of supervised medical care. Unless one is a physician or registered nurse, we are at best gifted amateurs. If MILs doc doesn't listen or take her problems seriously, then find another one who will. With the amount of broken skin that she has, a home health RN should be checking on her at least weekly if not more often. Despite the medical errors and nonsense of which we are aware, mostly they are a competent bunch of professionals whose knowledge supercedes ours by more than a country mile!

Good luck - I hope a derm can find a treatable organic reason for her picking so she will be more comfortable. As for the relatives, sometimes a family letter to concerned parties will stop the intrusions. If not, there are always peace bonds, etc. I hope that her nephew is ashamed of himself for behaving so inappropriately and has apologized and educated himself on his aunt's condition so that he will understand that HIS feelings and delicate sensibilities don't matter - hers are the only ones that do.

I hear you Mae I also changed detergent to the only one I can find for babies Dreft. No fragrance no softener either I remember you said something once before about that so the next trip to the store I picked it up for her laundry See I do listen....this is really about her OCD though but I got it on the off chance it might be that cause I know about this also, there are certain soaps and lotions I can not use because of sensitive skin issues and have noticed also since using vinegar in the final rinse of my own laundry that I dont get as many bumps as before so I do the same for her laundry.
Now the family issue HAH this one took me by surprise though as his own mom had AD also why this idiot would do and say these things amazes me!
I told Hunny straight out now that is it no more of his family is going to invade my home again forget it they can kiss my ass like it or not thats the way things are going to be from now on they call here Ill hang it up that is it Im not taking abuse from someone who doesnt give a crap about this disease...Ive emailed each one of these so called family members with the exception of just one to gauge whether or not they can be trusted and not one has responded to the offense so as it stands now only one person in this entire family is allowed access to mil.

Bunnys Grl.best thing is that hubby gave them the tongue lashing.
fROM MY EXPERIENCE THOSE WITH DEMENTIA CANNOT HADLE ALOT OF PEOPLE OR CONFUSION.It makes them upset and agitated.Her picking may become more profound because of all this.Why people do not try to understand they are not the person they once were.To me it falls to the tune of mental cruelty from those involved in wanting to upset her.
Amazing how this folk can cause us to become unglued.It has taken alot of glue to put me back together again.I have fought with so many for so long.You try the right way but they fail to be able to use good reasoning, so you revert to becoming a bitch.
If I wereou I would let hubby deal with his family.
My mother and my self had this skin condition that would itch , form scabs and then we were pickers.Ours was contact dermatitus.Had to change laundry detergents, no fabric softners, nothing with fragrance , certain materials in clothes.I no longer have the problem, thank god.The dermatologist told me not to wear tight fitting clothes.Not even briefs that stop the back side wobble.Well, forget that.You talk about more bounce to the ounce.That is the only area where I break out.
I am sorry you are dealing with the stress of family.Be nice to have a magic wand to make them go away

Wish I could remember the name of the catalog that sold those old fashioned "Buster Brown" socks. No elastic, just the ribbing holds them up and you fold the tops over. If I happen to run across it, I'll let you know how to contact the company.
Boys always know how to get on the good side of their moms, don't they?
Blessings to you and yours.

See DW thats the pissy part I didnt get to tell this SOB off I didnt really know who this man was so I was trying to be respectful of cough hack spitueee this lil (not goin there) as I do have a relationship with his brother who is an invaluable tool here for calming mil down when she gets completely out of hand and hunny cant even calm her so I bit my tongue on telling him off hunny did it instead.
I seriously hope this SOB shows up at my door cause I got a couple things I wanna do to him! At his own brothers insistence a restraining order for one

Now the gauze thing Dam you DO know my MIL! LMAO! teensy lil strings all over the place like I have now! lol she turns her socks inside out for kicks to pull the little elastic threads

BREATHE IN. BREATHE OUT.
REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT.
Don't you just love it when you get a chance to tell off one of them woodwork poppers?
I finally had a chance to do that myself, to one of Don's granddaughers, no less.
Damn, I feel great!
Don has Vascular Dementia - Aricept didn't do a heck of a lot for him, either. Unfortunately, there are still not enough "magic bullets" that work beautifully for everybody.
(If you wrapped MIL up in gauze, would you call her "mummy"?) At the very least, she'd be busy picking at the gauze and not her skin.
But oh crap, then you'd have to follow her around and pick up teensy bits of white strings. <sigh> Never Mind.