I guess after all this time i still dont understand. I am pissed at her and i am pissed at myself. I just dont get it. How can a woman that used to be a nurse, used to be a mother, a WONDERFUL grandmother and a friend to this whole damn city NOT KNOW WHAT THE YEAR IS?? This is my last night of giving my help. I'm not going to say caregiving because I will always care. But this is the last night in this house and I cant help but sit here and still question her brain. I just dont understand. How can someone be so damn smart, Be so damn intelligent and not know WHAT YEAR IT IS???? And i know this is no way to end things. But it just pisses me off that she cant answer me. I just want her to tell me how to fry chicken. Of course i know how to fry chicken but i just want her to tell me. I want her to tell me who just called an hour ago. I want her to tell me what she ate for dinner tonight. If APS came to the door after i leave i want her to tell them the last time she took a shower (its been over a year). And i feel so bad. I should be enjoying this last night with her. I should be doing something fun with her. But i cant, all i can do is try to get her fucking brain to THINK!!!! WHAT THE HELL? JUST THINK! And i am so pissed that I cant even answer her in a decent voice because i am too pissed off at her for letting her brain get like this. I hate myself for not being able to answer her decent. I hate this damn disease. I hate her for standing at my door right now bitching at me and i know she is only bitching because she is so upset about all of this and i know she cant help it. I just hate that she cant help it. I hate that i am still sitting here typing to who the hell knows who and she is getting upset on my last night. And lastly i hate my fucking aunts. May they burn in hell while i toast marshmallows over their flames. And no one dare mention how i shouldn't hate them because i do and those marshmallows would be damn good right now.

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can't even watch the disney movie Bambi

God forbid Ol' Yeller should come on!!

I am glad you are looking into all this from your own personal perspective. This aging parent thing is TOUGH STUFF! It isn't just the care, it's the issues it brings up both from childhood and from their beginning to "fail"... Try to keep your sense of humour about you at all times - this is just life, after all. I take a lot of comfort from knowing that countless others have walked our paths and survived. Life really has a way of unfolding new challenges no matter how "mature" we become

I hope you have a great week and can make some progress toward peace within yourself.

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I am not sure it's a good idea to try and put together the pieces of the family puzzle just yet, especially in areas of Dad's behavior. I feel strongly that his behavior is symptomatic of dementia and not of true love nor of being a poor father nor of a loveless marriage with your mom or anything else. I think this is one of those idle desires that he has FIXATED on and is obsessing totally. Thank goodness your mom is not receiving his letters... I think a geriatric psychiatrist might could do him some good as this is not an uncommon situation, and might respond to medication.

MB, Thanks for giving me a new perspective on this. It IS a fixation. The neurologist took him off Ativan and put him on Seroquel. Last night he had a long and very nice conversation with my mom, she said she felt like she had gotten her husband back for the first time in months.

I've started seeing a therapist for myself to deal with my own issues regarding my family and taking care of myself. I've got to get thicker skin and let my dad's behavior not affect me so much as it is having a negative impact on my work (I work out of the home due to my own health problems.) And, then of course, there is my own peace of mind, that has been lost since he moved in. I cannot afford to be buffeted to and fro by my mom and dad's emotions. Easier said than done, since I'm an only child and I'm the type of person who can't even watch the disney movie Bambi (the part when the mom gets shot by the hunter...I'm a puddle).

It is the subtle things like judgment that are the first to go, not memory. My dad can pass the mental status tests with flying colors, so it is very confusing to figure out how much is the dementia (the brain atropy is real, the neurologist showed me the CT & MRI images) and how much is deliberate. Just the fact that the Seroquel had a positive effect on him makes me think that much of his thinking has been delusional.

Gypsy, It is really hard, because I'll go out of my way to do things like make peach shortcake from scratch, which was something we enjoyed as a family in the summer, and yet there is no real response from him or sense of appreciation. It's definitely a therapy issue for me.

Hi GailSusan-I'd be angry too, especially with his Doc. Is there any way you can get him to a different Doc. Is this guy someone you and your hubby go to also? I hate medical people who have NO COMPASSION or common sense!!!!! I hope your Dad gets over this infatuation soon. I don't know how you do it when you know he is using you. Good luck in solving this so you and your Mom don't have as much stress.Gyosy

This situation is so sad, GailSusan, because it puts YOU square in the middle of someplace you don't belong - your parents' interpersonal relationships - except for being the caregiver of a demented individual. I feel so badly for you being in that spot!

The doc's suggestion represents absolute IGNORANCE of the "spot" it would put EVERYONE in if your dad were allowed to visit his GF. I hear this kinda crap all the time - let them smoke if they wanna - what's it gonna do, kill 'em? Let 'em have a glass or two of wine or a bourbon & water... I sure would hate it if people didn't let me do the things I want to do... blah, blah, blah!!! I'm sorry, but crapola on that WHOLE entire line of thinking. I don't think we want to DICTATE to our parents - the point of OUR caring for them is because we KNOW them. BUT, we have to recognize what is the product of their brain diseases and what's them - that line can be REAL blurry to "outsiders" to the family. And rubbing against that area can be very emotionally painful for us.

For the outside world to believe that someone is demented, they seem to require undisputable evidence, like not knowing what season it is or your birthday, etc. They don't seem to realize, to embrace, to "GET" that a LOT of dementia is less visible - the behaviors that lie in the "judgement" area. That area starts shorting out LONG before loved ones start showing overt symptoms and not knowing their own names!!

Because this is such a grey area, our elders are sitting ducks for get-rich-quick schemes, true love scams, "charities," etc. I think they, like us, have unrequited wants and dreams and notions. We have them all the time and our sense of judgement erases them as quickly as they cross our minds or deposits them in the wastebasket. But what if it didn't? What if we decided to go for it every time we had a whim? OMG - things would get real squirrelly real quickly!! THESE are the behaviors that are not readily apparent to others that cause us so much concern! When our folks can "pass" for "normal," things can get very, very sticky. I can forgive that the general public doesn't recognize these symptoms, but it TOTALLY PISSES ME OFF that trained medical personnel don't understand!! I guess there are shallow, unimaginative folks in every profession...

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It's very hard for me to realize that my dad has never valued having a fanily and that he views this all from a very different perspective. It's not just the dementia, although that plays a role. He was willing to toss his 58 year marriage to my mom and me to the side of the road to take up with his 61 y.o. caregiver and now he continues to take his anger at her loss out on both my mom and I.

This is practically dementia defined.

I am not sure it's a good idea to try and put together the pieces of the family puzzle just yet, especially in areas of Dad's behavior. I feel strongly that his behavior is symptomatic of dementia and not of true love nor of being a poor father nor of a loveless marriage with your mom or anything else. I think this is one of those idle desires that he has FIXATED on and is obsessing totally. Thank goodness your mom is not receiving his letters... I think a geriatric psychiatrist might could do him some good as this is not an uncommon situation, and might respond to medication.

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has notes plastered all over the house in drawers "I love M." or "I have always loved M." is just so painful.

What it is, is pathetic! The way your father is behaving is almost infantile. Even if he wasn't the best of dads, I know that seeing him reduced to this pathetic level is tough, especially since people are feeling sorry for him for the WRONG reasons - he isn't lovesick, he is brain-damaged!

I know this is hard on you because you are upset for your mother, and have "issues" with your dad anyway, but I think you might wanna reserve judgement if you can, 'cause I honestly think this is dementia...

As dementia progresses and deepens, folks behave in even more glaring and bizarre ways that are totally NOT characteristic of their personalities, like a prim and proper mom who walks out to talk with visitors with her blouse unbuttoned and no bra on... This wasn't a closet nudist or a sexaholic... her brain is damaged! Or a woman who believes she is in love with a neighbor and is threatening to kill his lovely wife! Or a man who insists that he is going to work every day when he hasn't left his wheelchair. Pointing out the obvious to them (You haven't left that wheelchair in 10 years, Gramps) means nada. Reason & judgement have moved and left no forwarding address. I think your Dad's reason & judgement are packing for the trip...

Take heart, love, and take a few real deep, cleansing breaths. You are living close to mental illness now and it can drive ya batty if ya let it in! Don't buy into the crazy stuff! Here's wishing you a nice long CalgonTakeYouAway appointment with yourself. Try to light a candle, float and think about absolutely NOTHING for a while... I think a little pool or hot tub should be issued to EVERY caregiver as NECESSARY VITAL equipment!! Take your hubby with ya - he might could use some CalgonTakeHIMaway time as well!!

Gail I feel so bad...What a (can I just have a moment of anger here?!) That doctor needs ta git kicked ta parts unknown! What your dad missed... he is the maker of his own bed...He coulda got out whenever he wanted but chose to stay...Boy that says alot! I guess it wasnt all that bad! Your poor mom is suffering and the Doctor wants to instigate all out war on her?! That SOB wouldnt still be standin if he said that to me...MF! EEEWWW! Dam Ide like ta beat da ever lovin crap outta him for you! Ide straight out ask him where he got that diploma from! Cracker Jack University?!
Ok Compassionate...Yes...Theres an old sayin Gail....First time shame on you, second time shame on me..... Fire him Gail! Soooooo fire his ass!

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Big Mama.... You said a mouthful! Whew.....
Thats the reason we are cg's because we have an understanding deeper than most. Compassion the world needs more of...and the patience very few exibit.... I am amazed each and everyday in the company I keep....

I'd like to second that. My mom said to me last night that even as a child I was more compassionate than most. I hadn't realized until then that it probably is a character trait, not something new that I'm developing. The patience part is what I'm developing.

I'm especially finding it hard because my dad continues to write really mean nasty letters to my mom and when he sees her he won't make eye contact or talk to her. She's heartbroken. My dad says it's because he loves M. (his former caregiver) and now knows what he missed in his marriage in terms of love and sex (makes you wonder which parts of his body she was rubbing!). He's angry that he missed out on that in life. The irony is that he was a terrible father and he knows it. He wanted nothing to do with me when I was a child and refused to pay for even my clothing. He acted like I was an illegitimate offspring (which I wasn't, he now says he's glad he had a child because now I can take care of him in his old age -- so now I that I finally serve a function, I'm worthy of notice.)

It's very hard for me to realize that my dad has never valued having a fanily and that he views this all from a very different perspective. It's not just the dementia, although that plays a role. He was willing to toss his 58 year marriage to my mom and me to the side of the road to take up with his 61 y.o. caregiver and now he continues to take his anger at her loss out on both my mom and I.

The unfairness of it all is very difficult for me to take. If I had good memories of my dad or thought he had changed and suddenly realized the value of family, all the sacrifice I'm going through would make sense, but to put my husband through all this for a man who has never once said he loved me, but has notes plastered all over the house in drawers "I love M." or "I have always loved M." is just so painful.

As a child I would have given anything for a hug or a kiss from my dad or a kind word. As an adult, I don't dwell on past injustices, but it is ironic that my dad is so intent on making my 93 y.o. mom miserable about her failings as a wife, when he was such a failure as a dad.

I have not mentioned anything about his letters to my mom. I managed to intercept the last one and I now have the nursing home holding all her mail. His CG's and I constantly reinforce to my dad how lonely my mom is in the nursing home (she is still out of state with no family to visit her) and how important it is to be kind to her in his letters and in person, but it doesn't seem to have any impact.

The last straw was when my dad's primary care doctor said, well why can't you arrange for your dad to see M. -- he's suffering from a broken heart that's all! Yeah, to heck with my mom, forget about 58 years of marriage, and let's break his heart over and over with a woman who shows his love letters to all her friends and thinks his love for her is a joke. That's a great solution!

With any luck, THe Creator will be kind and we will have to blindly trust as they do now and if we're REALLY lucky - we won't know the difference.

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Originally posted by angel0704:

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For most of us, it's the first real, heavy-duty look at what might be around the corner for each of us... like, that's gonna be ME one day... Yikes!

You got that right, MB! That is what is really scary. Now that i am an adult i see so much of my grandmother in me and i see what this disease did to her now i sit and wonder will this happen to me??? And who will take care of me?? Who will complain about me on this board?? sighsssssssss

Good God dont freak me out! Talk about a full circle moment there Angel! Baddd Thoughts *spit spit* Replace quickly! "I am well... I will always be well" Good thoughts.....

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For most of us, it's the first real, heavy-duty look at what might be around the corner for each of us... like, that's gonna be ME one day... Yikes!

You got that right, MB! That is what is really scary. Now that i am an adult i see so much of my grandmother in me and i see what this disease did to her now i sit and wonder will this happen to me??? And who will take care of me?? Who will complain about me on this board?? sighsssssssss

Big Mama.... You said a mouthful! Whew.....
Thats the reason we are cg's because we have an understanding deeper than most. Compassion the world needs more of...and the patience very few exibit.... I am amazed each and everyday in the company I keep....

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I have had to come out the other side of anger with this situation with my dad and in the process I can feel myself growing in character and wisdom.

Well, GailSusan, I dunno about how much I am growing, and I don't feel very wise most days, but I try to keep the realities of the situation before me. Doesn't always work, however. It is so hard to get past the fact that these are the folks who taught us most everything we know about basic stuff in life and now they've forgotten it all! What they haven't forgotten gets all scattered and mixed together in bizarre ways, most of which don't make sense. But the sense part is not what's important - it's how hard it is on us to see our loved ones "losing it." We can't relate to them the same way as before and that's so frustrating and sad. We have to continually learn new ways, and speaking strictly for myself, learning new ways doesn't come very easily to me these days...

Sometimes, for a while anyway, they seem mostly "normal" but then strange stuff starts to happen... we notice the gears slipping... At first, it's little things, but then the events become bigger, more important, more intense, more strange, more frequent... but sometimes, they still seem like those folks we knew... The rules have changed and no notice comes in the mail to inform us of the new terms of endearment.

For most of us, it's the first real, heavy-duty look at what might be around the corner for each of us... like, that's gonna be ME one day... Yikes!

To me, it's like the final step in growing up... full circle kind of thing... and it's as painful as the other phases of our development. We start out as babies and they care for us and teach us most everything we need to get along in the world. Time passes and we demonstrate that we learned and can stand independently. We're more like friends, peers. Then, slowly, they fall apart and de-evolve before our eyes. Our teachers and champions weaken and are defeated. Their fine minds turn to mush and can't even remember the most basic lessons they so patiently (and sometimes NOT so patiently ) taught to us... They lean on us, depend on us, turn to us when tiny things frighten them. And as they devolve, they need us more and more in ways we never dreamed someone would need us...

Giving is hard. But then so is receiving... I feel so sorry for them as they lose their hard-won independence and wind down into frail shells of themselves. I don't know about y'all, but it seems to me like most of our loved ones do not go quietly into the night. They fight to retain their independence and individuality as hard as they are able. They don't want to ask us for help, don't want to accept help, don't want to need help. But for the most part, they trust us to care for them, sometimes even as they accuse us of stealing their underwear and hiding their money, fussing and cursing at us for some imagined offense... It's dealing with inanity and insanity a lot of the time and that's enough to drive anyone nuts on any given day!

I wish I could do more; I wish I could do better, but all I can do is the best I can. Some days, my best is brilliant and shining; other days, my best falls short of passable and sux.

And all the while that we are juggling all these issues, chores, crises and stuff,
in the background, our hearts are breaking. Breaking for them, breaking for us...
Praying for release for us all, but not ready to accept what release means...

sighsss, Gailsusan,
I find everything everyone says on here helpful! Everyone's different opinions is what makes this board and support groups so wonderful. However, if you read my response's i was just saying that the original post was just a raging, sad, hormonal post that wasn't supposed to make sense...it was just me raging from sadness. The things i typed weren't serious, just my mind being depressed and still wishing my grandma's mind would snap back into place. I know it cant, and it certainly wasn't going to that night. I was just ranting. I have learned alot this past year and part of what i have learned is that sometimes when your really really upset and feeling like screaming....its best to come here and type on the anger board. Then go back to the reality of the world. More people needs these boards to get out their frustrations so they dont take them out on their loved ones. I was so sad that night i couldn't even answer the granny decent...i just kept crying so i'd go to my room and type some more then go back out with a smile on my face. I tried to make our last night special but i was just sad and couldn't stop crying. She was crying so much that i had to make myself stop crying and answer her questions very mono-tone so i didnt show emotion or she'd cry even more. It was a sad sad night but belive me, I know MB was trying to be helpful...but that night i just wanted to rant and wasn't looking for an answer. I knew, and know, the answer but sometimes the answer isn't what i want....i just want to rant, cry, complain and have a pity party. Then i wake up with swollen eyes and come to my senses cuz Lord knows i'm too vain for swollen eyes!

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Caregiving is more than saying the words - it is caring for someone with a condition that we haven't personally experienced, that makes their brain deteriorate and behave in ways that are alien to them. What it is, is SAD. But despite the sadness, they need to be cared for in a manner that respects their dignity and feelings, which frequently challenges one's OWN sense of dignity and feelings. Their needs as helpless people are just a tad more important than our own. It's called GIVING.

I know Angel didn't find this comment helpful, but it really did help me, so thank you, MB. I have had to come out the other side of anger with this situation with my dad and in the process I can feel myself growing in character and wisdom. I never wanted to be a CG, but since the circumstances of life have thrust me on this journey I'm going to trust that there is a reason and perhaps the reason is so I can grow emotionally and spiritually.

Angel, I know anger is easier to deal with than sadness and I suspect the sadness you are feeling at leaving your grandmother is overwhelming to you right now.

Angel, you should just post any ol' thing that blows yer skirt - that's what the Anger Wall is for. Whether I or anyone else in the universe, take exception with something you said, love something you said or anything in-between is not important. It is the expression of one's feelings that is important. That others may have different points of view is not the main event! It ain't anything to get all a-flutter about.

Many times folks disagree with me and they tell me so, sometimes quite pointedly. I respect their opinions and consider their words and feelings. If I find somethine of value, I hold it to me; if I don't, I let it go. Then I just keep on keepin' on. Sometimes their words bring positive changes to my life; sometimes not. I think everything works for good and I enjoy exchanging ideas with others - it would be a very dreary, unimaginative world if everyone thought alike.

S'mores do sound good right now. S'mores and a beer!

Angel-
Awesome posting! Misery loves company and today I'm miserable. Just spent 2 hours going round in circles with my mom. I, too am so pissed off I could scream. I live in the land of a thousand questions and there are no right answers on some days. Yesterday was a good day, all things considered. I used to be concerned because she slept 18-20 hours a day. Now she's up and it sucks a lot of the time. I have retreat to my room when I wear out, which she follows me into at times. I pretend I'm asleep. I don't know how much longer I will be able to do this, and she's only in the mild to moderate stage. My tone of voice is robotic today, when really what I want to do is scream and swear and run away where nobody will find me. Roasting marshmallows over your "fucking aunts" sounds heavenly to me. I'll bring the chocolate and graham crackers and we can get fat on s'mores. Wish you didn't live so far away. I'm housebound in Arizona. I could roast marshmallows on the sidewalk...screw it.
Hang in there sister! You rock!
Kathleen

MB, Well i dont want you or anyone to take offense. I was angry at the disease, not at the granny. I was angry that i cant fix it and that i have to leave it and i dont know how she is going to be and wishing she would magically just be better now because I wont be around to make sure she is okay. I am just upset MB and i just wanted a place to cyber cry and have a fit. I had no one to talk to at the time and i just needed to get some feelings out. I shouldn't really have to explain this but I feel bad that you thought i was taking my anger out on my granny when in fact we had a nice night which made my anger at the disease even worse when i got into my room. Just try not to read anymore of my anger posts if it bothers you. Or maybe i just wont post my anger posts here anymore. I've typed out posts before and deleted them instead of 'post now'. I guess i'll go back to that so i dont have to ruffle anyone's feathers.

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MB, MB, MB,.....sighsss....this is the Anger Wall. Not the "make sense wall."

Yeah, darlin', I KNOW it's da Anger Wall. It's my opinion that expressing anger and making sense are not mutually exclusive states.

MB, MB, MB,.....sighsss....this is the Anger Wall. Not the "make sense wall." Anger usually doesn't make sense and I was just angry last night. I know enough about this disease right now to know that it isn't her fault and I know that none of this is my fault. I was just typing out of irrational anger and I was HIGHLY upset about this whole situation coming to a close and not knowing where my or her life is going. I didn't really need anyone to take me too serious because i wasn't taking my own self too serious. I was just upset. Sometimes i just want to talk or type without someone trying to make sense for me. I was not looking for an answer, just needed somewhere to unload feelings because i was so sad i wanted to just die of sadness. My grandmother and I did have a nice night together but I had to leave the room every now and then so i could cry without upsetting her. Do you understand what i am saying? I just needed to rant. I know you meant well with your post but sometimes people really just need to rant. Thats all, just rant.