Hey All,

I kind of feel like this is the only place I have to vent, so bear wth me.

Some background, Dad was showing signs of dementia, so Idecided to move up to Boston last Sept wit my partner to be closer to him. The plan was t stay with him for a montha nd look for an apartment. We were there one day when Dad fell and broke his hip, so, after hospitalization, rehab, we were told he could not live alone anymore ad required 24/7 care...so we officially moved in with him.

My siblings are not supportive at all. Oe sister spews anger and hate about me to the others. They dont visit Dad. The spewer last saw him Janary 9, another sister Janaury 19. My youngest brother takes care of dad on Mondays, we have a CG Tues through Thurs...and I am on duty all of the rest of the time.

The rest do not visit with any regularity. My youngest sister (my fathers favorite as he points out all of the time) comes once a month basically, for an hour. Now none of them live out of state...I was the only one who did.


I feel so much guilt over moving up to this with my partner. He is wonderful about it, but I feel like we moved up here on one pretext and he ended up with an antirely different one.

Dad is getting worse. Physically he is much better...mentally e is worse. His latest thing is that he goes to bed, wakes up at 8 or 9 and showers, gets dressed and comes down saying "good morning"...even after I explain that it is evening, he still has beakfast and then stays up a couple of hours.

He has this dark side that appears when frustration sts inad it typically is directed at me. He tells me how fat I am, that I am old, that I don't do stuff correctly. I know this is the disease, but it is getting to me.

We decided that we are going away this summer...a week away! I told my youngest brother and he said "well I don't know who will tae care of dad". Now there are 6 other kids...and the CG...I think tha 6 adults can work out some sort of plan to give me a break...but they are all making me feel bad. It is wrong.

No one but others in this boat can understand how hard this is...the guilt, the anxiety, the lonliness. I really hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heres an afterthought for ya Paul those responses you got were they in email form or word of mouth? If they were in email form print those babies out just in case and file them away for future reference...never know when you might have to prove how unwilling they were to lend a hand and the reason behind using funds to pay a caregiver.
Always good to protect that butt of yours

PR, I really feel for you in this situation, and am sorry to hear that siblings are CHOOSING to be so difficult.

One thing that might help, you have already "owned" this situation, and that is cool. If the sibs refuse to help, then let them be...you have to put them in a place of non-commitance, and leave them there. Expect nothing from them, then, if things change and one of them offers to help, take it.

One thing we chose to do, when my fil had D, and started having strokes, I emailed everyone. Giving them up to date info, and also announcing when Mil's Dr. apt's were, date and times. That way, everyone had a chance to offer, there could be none of this " well no one told me about that" stuff.

After his passing, I just blew them all off, and only notify my H brother and his wife.

This is not easy, but you can do this. There are so many wonderful CG's here, who work much harder at it than I have to right now. And don't think they will ever hold back when you need a good solid opnion!

That's why I love this place!!!!

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Yes, my siblings will flip becuase I am spending some of their inheritance, but let them. It will give them something new to talk about.

Ummmm, 'cuse me, but until Dad is dead, that's HIS money. They COULD have stepped up and volunteered to save their father money he may need later for care, but they chose not to do so. So too bad for their "inheritance."

I'm so glad you took action on your and your dad's behalf, Paul. I'm sorry your other sibs are not stepping up for either of you, but unfortunately, the world seems to be full of folks like that. I'm still puking over the baby not sleeping well excuse.

Your partner is a gem for offering to "spell" you so that you can have some alone time. There is a saying for new moms - "sleep when the baby sleeps." The moms who take that advice and don't spend naptime folding laundry or doing dishes have the most "staying power" during those all-night scream-a-thons. The same axiom holds true for eldercaregivers: sleep when Dad sleeps. It does put one off-schedule and it frequently puts us at odds with the schedules of others in our households, but at least we are alive and alert when we need to be. My problem is that when Mom does drop off, I usually use that time to do "by myself" stuff or to spend time with my hubby... I have always thought sleeping was a waste of time! Unfortunately it catches up with me, so I am TRYING to mend my evil ways and take my own danged advice on the sleeping thing.

Glad things are working out for you and that you have some down-time to look forward to...

UPDATE:

Well I took the advice given to me by some very kind wonderful people here and I sent out an email to the siblings who are still "in touch " with Dad.

My youngest brother is checking with his wife to see when he can cover during vacation (he is the one covering for me for the two family events in June). The remainder of them said that the will not/can not do it. One excuse was that their baby doesn't sleep well in a strange place, so they couldn't caover overnight (this is the same baby that slept great for a week last month when they went ot FL)...another said that this may be the time to look at putting dad in a nursing home! LOL OK, yes the dementia is getting worse, but Dad is still active and functionng well. Theyu all know that he really does NOT want to ever go to a nursing home.

So, again following you alls sound advice, I contacted asecond CG today to see if they could handle the weekends of my vacation, as well as a couple of hours each weekend now to give me a break. They can! The money for this will come from Dads credit line on his reverse mortgage. Yes, my siblings will flip becuase I am spending some of their inheritance, but let them. It will give them something new to talk about.

I have decided that Momsbuddy is right and they cannot make me feel badly about this. It is the right thing to do and I have given them first chance, THEY chose NO, so I have to do what I have to do!

I spoke in great length with my partner about this and he will back me whatever I want to do. he even offered to stay with Dad more to give me a break, evenif it is just heading to my bedroom to read alone for a while...thank god for him!

And thank god for all of you...thank you for all of the support and love!

Paul

PRCT, anger is a normal response, but to dwell on it is a waste of time and energy. Chances are, those no-shows have always been this way - maybe always will be. All you can do is ask for assistance when you need it. Either they step up or you find another way...

As disease progresses and dementia deepens, some mighty strange and unpleasant stuff can happen. If your dad is getting up at 8 or 9 pm after going to bed, this tells me he may be going to bed too early or he may need a sleeping med to help him to stay asleep. Worst case scenario is that you don't have any eggs for his "breakfast."

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He tells me how fat I am, that I am old, that I don't do stuff correctly. I know this is the disease, but it is getting to me.

Yeah, right. You're old, fat and incompetent? Sure, Dad. Sounds like y'all have a lot in common! Agree with him then give him a hug and remind him that all that may be true, but you're still alive and kickin' and trying to limp along the best you can and it's a good thing you have him to keep you straight! Having a good sense of humour and the ability to turn nasty remarks around, lemons-to-lemonade style, will go a long way toward keeping the peace (and your blood vessels from bursting in your brain).

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Now there are 6 other kids...and the CG...I think tha 6 adults can work out some sort of plan to give me a break...but they are all making me feel bad. It is wrong.

NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL ANYTHING!! It is business as usual for sibs who are caring for a parent to need some time off so that they can get away to recharge their batteries or attend normal out-of-town functions. This ain't rocket science. Write them ALL one letter or email; inform them of the dates you will be away and offer to allow them to care for him at your (and his) home while you are away, unless they choose to have him come stay with one (or more) of them for the week. Better for all concerned that they come to him. Let them work out the details. You don't have to whine, wheedle or yell - just lay the facts on the table. If they step up, great. It DOESN'T have to be an emotional family thing. If one (or more) of them get their panties all in a twist, just stop talking until they blow out. You can join the fight, or you can simply stick to your position. Sibling issues that have gone on unresolved for our entire lives are not gonna be any different now than they were before. If someone else wants to take an unpleasant trip down the sibling "Love Canal," be sure you don't join them. The quickest way to end arguments is not to argue. With no fuel, most folks blow themselves out pretty quickly. If they treat you with anything other than common civility, you can tell them this is not about them or a personal thing - it is just business - the business of taking care of dad.

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I feel so much guilt over moving up to this with my partner.

Although I have a great deal of sympathy for spouses and partners whose lives are affected by our caregiving responsibilities, I don't feel sorry for them nor do I feel guilty. Caregiving is something I am doing with my life right now. Anyone who can't handle that concept is welcome to use any of the exits in our home. Sure, it's a PITA, but that is what family is all about! If their family needs, I would hope that they would step up in a similar fashion. I think of it as a prior commitment. My husband and I have been together for 16 years - Mom and I have been together for my entire lifetime. Feeling guilty because your partner's life has been affected by yours is a waste of energy. It was a CHOICE! Sure, there are aspects we never reckoned on going into it, but that's the way LIFE is... like a box of chocolates, Forrest! Step up to what you get or step out of the way, please.

Hang in there, dear. You don't have to feel like the Lone Ranger, 'cause there's a lot of us out here doing the same thing. Some have better circumstances, some have far worse. It gets nutty for all of us and we all throw Pity Parties regularly (BYOB and snacks), but we make it through. And we learn. And we grow. And we even remember how to smile and laugh despite the events of the day. Joy is still there in your life waiting for you to notice it and give it some attention! Focus on the good stuff and let the rest wash down the storm drain.

Many blessings to you and your brother for the loving care you are giving to your dad.

He is their Dad, too. I know you took this on as your daily job, but that should not mean every day all day forever. Bust them , in a major way. This is a human issue. and a family issue. Your alternative life style does not let them off the hook, does not change that he is their Dad. If they think of it as your job, remind them that a job worth having has some benifits. Vacation, retirement, etc. If they think it is your job, treat it like a job. Negotiate your benifits and be hard core. Sorry you have to go through this, but you have sacrificed a great deal. I know you can't set aside love and duty, but it seems your sibs can. Throw it in their faces. You and I know you will not walk out, and I don't believe in bluffing. But it may come to that, not a bluff. Your life counts.
OK, I know you can't desert your Dad to these "others". But you should at least get a vacation while it is possible, and get them involved with his care. Obviousley, your Mom was right on with your Sibs.The will and all.

Unfortunately with dementia there is no place to go (for the patient) but down hill. Hopefully your Dad will have a slow decline rather than a quick one. So I agree with Bunnys girl that you need to set the strong expectations/consequences now with your siblings or down the road you will find yourself overwhelmed. Talk openly to your partner about how you feel - again start now to set that kind of communication up to spare yourself later regrets.

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No one but others in this boat can understand how hard this is...the guilt, the anxiety, the lonliness. I really hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grab a life vest and jump in our boat!

Doesn't it just burn your butt how siblings don't "GET IT"!

P7 have you spoken to your partner? How do they feel about this? It sounds to me like its time for open and honest dialog cause without it your going to continue to feel guilty for something that let me remind you is not your fault. Your partner moved WITH YOU. You didnt force this did you?

Now while you have all these siblings around the area I would suggest you all get together and have another open and frank discussion about Dads care and your upcoming vacation, stress to them this IS NOT a maybe kinda thing IT IS A FACT. So they have the choice to make, either step up to the plate OR they are going to be paying for a 24/7 caregiver out of their own pockets. Take it or leave it. Sweetie do not waver on this they are his kids too and THEY have a responsibility here to him AND to you like it or not!

Damn right that's bad! Not you - the "Magnificent Seven"! My God, you would think that 7 responsible between them could find enough time to give you and your partner some time to relax, unwind, and reload.
It's time to sit them all down. If that can't be arranged, make your own arrangements for Dad and don't bother telling anyone.
Maybe the caregiver has some suggestions?
Best of luck - and stop back anytime!