I have been careing for my parents since April 2004. My father is 86 and will be 87 in May. He has short term memory loss and dementia. My mother has Alz and medical needs she has a calustme bag sorry about the spelling. When I came to visit my parents and my daughter and to learn about how things were set up for my brother taking care of then since I had some concerns.I went to my parents house and met my brothers girlfriend who also moved in and was not getting a good feeling about this. After being assured that controls were in place over my parents bank accounts I still felt uneasy. My gut feeling said stay close by and I was allmost finished with a customers kitchen remodel. After being here a few days a friend of my parents wanted me to put them in a nursing home and I told her that my Dad made it very clear to me he wants to die in his own home.She was upset but I couldn't help her. I had only been away for a year and the change in my Mom was amazing. My Dad seemed fine. My parents prefer to eat every meal out and my Mom would want just her and Dad. So I told Dad take Mom close by because we have a lawyer appointment in 2 hours. Over 3 hours and after pacing back aqnd forth ripping my hair out the phone rang and Dad had a flat what a relief to hear from him I forgot how pissed I was. I told my Brother who was asking me if I was crazy so I grab a floor jack may as well make it easy and we saw the car so Scott let me off to start on the tire and went to get Dad at the pay phone. I waved as they went by going home and when I was done my brother was back and asked me whers Mom I said she is with you. No my Dad forgot her after paying the bill and couldn't remember where they ate. We found her on the fith place we called. The put them in a home friend found out and wanted a meeting that night. She and the financial man said now will you put them in a home and I said no I made a mistake and I learned from this but at the same time my brother asked that the bank statements be mailed to our address now and I objected saying that after all he did to get Mom qualified for the COPE program he should get them incase he had to react fast to change something to not lose COPE. He didnt listen and 4 months later there broke and in debt. He was still kept in charge and then when I learned the account was overdrawn again the first week in Nov he took off with Dads car and we never saw him again. For the next 13 months I cared for them never leaving them for more than a couple hours at a time. Im really sorry to be going on like this I'll stop but now were in gaurdianship proceedings and it looks like she will get her way as this progresses and Im at a lossthat this is even legal in our country that my Dad who fought in 3 wars 30 years in the Marine corps I served 4 years thinking I was defending our right to be free e3xcept I dont see . Thanksthat

Amen ta that Mae!

I so wish they would put this time and effort into investigating nursing homes.Oh , I forgot, that means loosing big dollars.What a double standard we live

Oh dear I am so very sorry! What a freakin mess! I had a run in not too long ago with APS but this....this is a nightmare.
Do you have letters from the people in your Alz. group who gave this advice to you? Character references ect.
How is your lawyer? Do you have faith in him? Has he asked for these references... asked for your parents PCP statements? Other people who have been witness to your quality of care?
Did they find anything wrong with your mom when they found her on the floor?
Im really starting to see a problem here with this case worker. I think if I was your lawyer Id start diggin into some of this persons cases to see how many times he may have stepped over the line and assumed abuse that was unfounded in the end. I dont much like these people but I know they are necessary in many instances....
Please keep us posted

Im sorry I have so much running through my mind I didnt explain very well. I visited in April of 2004. After going back and forth between WA and CA I was here from July 2004 untill now. My brother left first week in Nov 2004.I know the trials and tribulations of the bag quite well. A lady provided by COPE came over 5 days a week from 9 - 11am. I also had a friend who would come no matter what time it was or day of the week for only $10 an hour and she was great with Mom. She deserved ten times the ammount we gave her. Every few months the concerned friend would come over and tell my Dad they needed to go in a home and he would get all upset and I would say just like you said that she means well and thinks that it would be the best thing for you. Roy her deceased husband was my Dads best friend and just don't take it to heart. As time went on she would say terrible things to the lady who came every morning durring the week about me and ask her questions which upset the caregiver who knew that what she was saying was totally fabricated. I really wasn't concerned nor was I going to devote any energy towards it. Believe me I was called many hurtfull things by my parents and I just let it roll off repeating to myself thats not my Mom sayin it its Alz and the same with my Dad. When my Dad would get mad at Mom and start yelling at her I would come between them and remind Dad thats not Mom saying those things and he would calm down, kick me out of the house or be ashamed and so sorry. Growing up I never saw or heard an argument between my parents. I know they had to argue sometime but it was behind closed doors when they did.When he would kick me out I would say ok but it will take awhile to pack everything and just keep on doing what I had been doing. Believe me more than once I wanted to just go but I kept going hoping that If I didn't quit on them somebody will do the same for me. About Sept of 2006 my Mom no longer could control her bladder and I told Dad it's time to put Mom in a home we cant change her and and bath her as needed. I got her on a waiting list at one of the places I would go to for Alz support group meetings and had no worries that Mom would be well taken care of. It was close and I told Dad I would take him there everyday and now we could also go to a game or any of the many things he wished he could do. The same friend who wanted them in a home was upset that only Mom was going to go in a home and on Nov 15th filed for the court to appoint a gaurdian. Her reasons were fiction and our lawyer says that dosent really matter. Two weeks later the court appointed guardian ad litum came over Mom was sitting on the floor I came out of the bathroom went downstairs and he said he called the Paramedics Mom had fallen. I said no she didn't she sat on the floor and she dose it all the time and when she is ready I help her up. I told him in support group they said it was fine as long as there happy its not hurting anything. He wouldn't let me touch her the paramedics came put her in a wheel chair like thing and asked where to and he says Legacy I say no Southwest which is much closer and we have family and friends who work there. He says no Legacy because the home she is going in is out ther. Home we havent even had our day in court yet. My Dad was devasted and when I received his report to the court he said Mom was in a fetal position and I told him she fell it was no big deal she falls all the time. The next time I saw him I told him we have nothing to say to him we meet with our lawyer at 2 tommorrow and that was wrong the way he took my Mom away. He showed up at our lawyer meeting and I waited outside, then he left and we talked some more. The next court letter he sent a copy of he states that I refused to talk to him and he feared fo his life. I asked our lawyer if he said anything about that to her and she said no . I said if he feared for his life don't you think he would bring that up to you. In his last reccomendation to the court is to have the law firm place my dad in a home and sell his estate per my Dads wishes. He is on the other side I can only imagine what she has told him. When they learned we wanted my sister to be gaurdian they attacked her now because she wont put my Dad in a home. Their witness list had 2 pastors a pastors wife and our banker among others and our lawyer wasnt feeling good at all but now they have refused to testify because there knowledge is based on heresay and gossip..I have no confidence in the courts and I know this will kill my Dad I have received calls from a lot of mARINES WHO WANT dAD TO WEAR HIS DRESS BLUES WITH ALL HIS MEDALS (20) AND IF WE LOSE THEN THEY WILL FORM A 360 AROUND THE sGT mAJOR AND ESCORT HIM OUT. I am in agreement with them but I hope it wont come to that and t6he Judge will respect what my Dad has done for his country and let him live out his years at home with his loved ones. I tried so hard to honor my Dads wishes I cant live with the thought I let him down I just dont know what more I could or can do.

Hello and welcome, for give me for being blunt but dad should not be driving.What happened suggest this.Sadly someone was concerned enough to call someone about mom and dad.Dealing with guardinship can not alays be pleasant.
I wish I had a better answer.Not a nice experience and cause so much stress.Also all involved need to take a deep breaath and make some serious decisions.Mom and dad need constant care.You need to decide if time can be divided between you and brother.My husband wears a colostomy bag and I know they require alot of work .Necesaary for good hygene and they can be quite smelly.I hope this can be resolved with your meeting with the lawyer.
I also want to thank you for your service to our country.Also dad may be able to get help and meds through the VA.They have a great gheriatric evaluation team there.Wish you luck in resolving this.Not easy to care for 2.Not enough of you to go around.Been there done it

rexb5169 welcome in and thank you for your service to this country.
Unfortunately things like this can and do happen but my question is this, the "she" you refer to in the end is this the friend of your parents that had concerns over their welfare and are forcing this issue of guardianship?
If so you may feel somewhat betrayed by them but they did have your parents best interests at heart at least from what you have said here in regards to your brothers care I dont think you can really fault them for that can you? Am I misunderstanding something here?
Please do go on cause I think there is something missing sweetie
If this was started by the "friend" back then your parents are in the APS system maybe? and they (APS) continued on with the case of guardianship maybe at everyones urging?