my Mom has some form of dementia maybe alzheimers I have asked her to be tested and i dont get any answers I have taken care of her for two years anything i ask her to do she does the opposite she is a Mess cant doany thing for herself i do it all I have no life other than being her servant It all makes me mad. that this disease is so crummyand i feel so helpless and she is so Pityfull i Pray that the good lord take her and make her whole again in heaven before i go crazy my self. thank you

I FEEL THAT BY HAVING THESE DISEASE IT MUST BE VERY PAINFUL. BUT SOME HOW YOU CAN LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT. HOPEFULLY ONE DAY THEY WILL FIND A CURE.
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT!!!

People have been sending me complaints that the wall doesn't post fast enough. I'm one person maintaining a large site, getting hundreds of emails a week. Give me a break or find another site. You can bitch on the wall, but not to my email!

tired, angry and hanging onto a slim shred of hope that death will be kind, and some days...not even that hope.

I'm mad that my last post did not get put up here, although I did not rant and rave as some have done or use curse words. I had as much need to talk about hypocrites who never volunteer to help you but who preach at you as I have needed to rant about being a caretaker to my father. Why didn't my post show up?

Today is too much to carry alone. But there is noone else. Talking does not help; it emphasizes the empty space between the words and no one listens to those parts. Like this page, the barren areas define the content. How much longer?

I'm spilling not in anger, but how I've learned to curb it. My mom and dad are both going at the same time. I'm faced with placing them both in a nursing home - I'm so lonely - I have neither parent at a time I need them both. Daddy is in a nursing home. Another aunt and uncle 87 - 92 are failing physically but not mentally, I don't know which is worse to watch. I recently lost another aunt who was like a second mom, in a nursing home to alzheimers so everything I seen on the wall I've experienced over those years, and realize I am about to go through it again. But this is how I've coped and hope to cope, and hope to help you cope. A situation is really as you look at it. I went in the Nursing home 2 days in a row, looking at all the ailing demented people, crying on the inside that I didn't want this to happen to my parents, and didn't want the responsibility. But today I looked at the situation in a different light. I looked at the love pouring from the staff, not only the nurses we may feel are putting on a show because we are there, but that each room had someone spilling love and caring as I passed unnoticed. Even the cleaning people were going beyond their duty.....and what I noticed was that they were smiling and supporting each other. We go crazy in this environment for an hour or two...they live it every day - all day. Stop looking at the sadness and look at the love and devotion....no dollar amount creates caring.....care yes, caring no....do you understand? Yes, there may be a few just doing a job, but really look around, really study what is going on, learn to appreciate what is there ! look at the beauty in the picture in the picture. And don't stop visiting cause they don't know you. I spent an hour with my aunt one day and as I got up to leave she said "YOung lady, I can't get over that you don't know me and yet you took all this time to talk with me, I so enjoyed our conversation (91). At first I was hurt, but she was so happy with who ever this person was that I had become, I just smiled and said I enjoyed it too. Inside I wanted to say Aunt Anna its me Kathy - would it have eased my pain? No. Would it have hurt her? Yes.......That was the last time I saw her, and although she didn't know "I" was there, "I" made her happy, and I will always remember her smile, not my hurt......... I hope this will help someone....

To the stupid fundamentalists who tell those of us who are caregivers for the elderly or Alzheimers that "my rest is in the Lord"....let me tell you, "my rest is in the bed...when I can get there". I used to be one of you self-righteous people, but thank God I'm not any more and haven't been for a long time. Why don't you volunteer to come and help out instead of spouting scripture? Hmmm? How about cleaning up the fesces and the urine off the floor when he forgets where to pee or defecate? How about coming and helping to do some of my chores that go undone around the house because I have to care for him? How about holding me when I'm screaming or crying or suffering? How about DOING your faith instead of just SPEAKING it? I do believe in a loving God and I do believe that everything that happens in my life is for a reason, but I tire of Mr. and Mrs. SuperChristian that forget the scriptures about "if you do it to the least of these my children you have done it unto me." Why don't you do more good works, eh? Because that might tax your tiny pea brains that you use to be smug and self-righteous with. You might actually be so busy (like I am) that you don't have time to judge. This wall was made to vent our anger. If that's not what you're here for and you're here to preach instead, please go away and create your particular version of Hell for someone else. I've had all I can take in one lifetime of people like you!

You werre not there for me. You made me afraid of you You hurt us and killed our inner child You were negative and filled with hate You beat us We remember Now you have Alzehimers and you are a child You don't remember us You don't remember how you hurt us You are a child but we are loving you giving you what we never got...tender unconditional love where is the fairness in this I don't want to remember the pain of being your daughter I fear getting the disease and not remembering anything where is the fairness in this? I hate you I've lost you I love you I grieve you I want you to say you are sorry but you don't even remember what you did.

I have the job of taking care of my mother-in-law which we never got along until a year ago when her husband passed away of a heart atacck from working himself to death taking care of mom every need .He did the cleaning ,cooking ,laundrey.ect''''''' If he was not home when she woke up she would be pissed off and let dad know it. How it is my turn to take care of mom . My husband is her son he work's at 2 job's and it is up to me too take care of everything. and take care of the family and business and the kids and everything. no HELP from the other 8 kids she has. She is in the nursing home now because she refused to have any help in the house after the death of dad. She fell and broke a hip ,arm and chipped a bone in her ankle want's to come home but not ready she don't unstand that she is not ready to go home yet the dr. say she will have to have24 hr.care her son want's her to come saty with us for a while i can'tlive with the WOMEN had her and dad here after the house burndown 5years ago she put me down didn't like anything I did '''' didn't like the way I keep house sure i don't have the cleanes house but we are so busy taking care of everything elas NO HELP FROM ANY OTHER KIDS THANK FOR LEASING SORRY"""""

Alzheimers has taken out future from us, made everyday a new challenge. It's not fair, life isn't fair, we deal with it as best we can and go on.

ok look im not a caregiver in the sense which all u guys are....and i found this page totally by accident when out of desparation i typed in "someone help me feels like im literally fucking dying" in the search box for yahoo. anyways i cant get rid of what i feel. cuz i dont kno for sure. i guess im a friggin caregiver to everybody i know. everybody has got problems and for some unforseen reason they come to me. me of all people. what the hell? does it look like im a guy whos got life figured out. hellno. thats not really my problem tho. my mind is detoriating at the speed of i dunno whatever. u know what? i dunno what im even fuckin tryin tosay but life is a bitch so far. 20 yrs ive been on this God foresaken place we call earth and i got nothing to show for it. i really need someone to call my own and hold and just love me for what i am. i prolly shudnt even be here so im sorry for wastin ur time if ur readin this. im fuckin sick of being what ive bec! ome. sick of life in general. im killin my mind and thats spreading to my body. somedays i have to push myself to make turns driving. i have no energy to turn the fukin steering wheel. i guess i do--but i just dont have the motivation to. this is gotta stop. now. if not....soon. God help me. God help us all.

i am trying to make the best of a situation....and it is increasingly difficult...i am glad on one hand that i could have mother and dad move into my home so that they could stay together and not be separated in a nursing home... on the other hand it is beginning to make me feel resentful.. --resentful in that i no longer have the "luxury" of spending time with my husband...no longer able to take off for a few days when he gets unexpected time off from work....no more accompanying him on out of town trips for work....no more spur of the moments at all....all because THEY are here....and my dad does not assume one lick of resposability..... screw it all.....i just want to be selfish and have a life of my own again--is that really selfish?

I WILL NEVER DO TO MY KIDS WHAT MY PARENTS HAVE DONE TO ME!! I WILL KILL MYSELF BEFORE I LET MY KIDS CARE FOR ME!! I HATE THIS SO MUCH, I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!! Its messing up my life, my kids, my husband. Why does it have to end like this!!!

I am overseeing my 87 year old mothers care. She has been sick for 10 years. Heart, pulmonary, depression, panic attacks. My dad died in 1988. Mom collapsed after that. My sister has schizophrenia and has been in and out of psych hospitals for twenty years. I am the only member of my family left standing, so to speak, and alot falls on me. I really love my mom and sister and have tried, over the years, to show up for them, speak to their doctors, social workers, sit with them while waiting for ambulances to come take them to hospitals. I have taken the deed to the house, pay the bills out of my mothers social security and a small inheritance. Along with all this, I am attempting to live my own life. I am 48, living with my life partner in NYC, starting graduate school in three weeks and really hurting from the strain of my mothers recent discharge from the hospital after one month..she was discharged without prescriptions or follow up visit to the doctor. I f.....g! cant belive how careless, indifferent irresponsible her doctor is. And the social worker. And the health care agency that is supposed to be supervising all of this. Oh God. it feels good to get this out. I may write more another time. But, for now, I just want to say I am totally disgusted with the state of medical care in this country. I feel like the tapestry is unravelling and callousness and greed have replaced compassion and personal care. Health Care has cancer. Health care is disfigured. Health care is grotesque. Health care exudes noxious fumes. Health care doesnt care. Just call me one disgusted daughter from NYC.

I'm in a nightmare, my mother's is dying and it never ends. I am forced to care for the shell that has turned from love to fear.I want to return to happiness and laughter, escape this confusion.I miss her mind and I hurt without her love,I can't help her find her way back. All we do is stand next to them in the darkand keep telling them everything is ok even if we don't believe it.

He is my husband. I love him very much, but right now I don't know if I want to leave him, or if I want to die. He turn very agreseve.He said the majority of the people that we know.is against him, that they want to damage our property, or destroy our car. Now, he ask one of our tenants to leave the house because "he damage the property." The tenant moved to next door house, and now, he tried to attack him. I don't know what to do, he does not hear anything I tell him, and the man already wants to call the caps, because he does not understand the kind of disease my husband has.I am gettin g sick and tired of all this problems, I am a 74 years old woman, I expend my whole life working, waitin for a quiet old age, and now, I can't even enjoy my retirement.Sometimes I like to go back to work just to have alittle rest of all this problems but then I feel guilty because if I di that, he will be alone in the house, and then, if something happens, I don't know anything about! Also he is almost completely deaf, and even he wears two hearing aids, I have to scream everytime I have to tell him something. Due to this problem, our comunication is very poor, because I don't like that all the neighborhood hear,what's happening in my house. I really apreciate the opportunity to say all this.

I hit my Wife I HATE myself i said i would never do that i watched my father do it to my mom when i was a child i hate my father almost as much as i hate my self i am so lost i was in denial for 2 yrs i have awoke i need HELP that makes me mad why do i have to deal with this it sucks i hate my father for this why couldn't he teach me sports or something "damn it" I'm going to get help!!!!!!

I hate this disease that took my mother from me and substituted, a meek, frail little women who spends her day rummaging through boxes of clothes and shoes. Why boxes you ask? Because she has filled her bureau drawers with towels, boxes, Knick-knacks and jewelry. I just plain hate this Alzheimer's stuff. I'm scared I will be like that some day too! SDE

I am pissed off at the world and everyone in it. I don't want to feel this way but I do. I am a very good person and I don't like the way this anger makes me appear on the outside. I have given to this world in many ways that most people are not willing to. Now when I want something in return it's not available to me. All I want is what most people get without asking, without wanting. But they get it anyway and then take it for granted. I want a baby. A baby formed by me and the man I love. Why is this such an impossability for me. Why, now that we have decided to adopt, do we have to be judged on our capabilities as parents. Why do we have to depend on others to tell us wether or not we are worthy of being parents. They look at our finances and scrutinize our relationship. They delve into the most personal aspects of our lives together and then they make a decision on wether or not we are "GOOD ENOUGH" to be parents. When I see all these babies born addicted to crack and heroin and the courts give the baby back to it's drug addicted, poverty striken parents. How can they justify turning anyone else down for adoption? What could be worse than abusing a baby befor it's born? If these people can be parents why cant we? This it what makes me bitter at the world. Along with the lack of understanding and simpathy that we don't recieve toward our situation. Nobody can understand the deep pain and anger that comes with everyday life. People say enjoy life kids can be a hassle. You are lucky you have all your free time. And you can't state your opinion on raising children amongst others because "you don't know anything about raising children". Life has really let me down big time!!!!

I think what you did was cruel, unfair and cowardly!!!

Just one question. What ever happened to my privacy!!! Has anyone out there seen it???

I hate it when my mom buys banana's because when you don't feel like eating one their rotten the next day.

I feel like my life is coming to an end. My mother is moving down here next week. She will not be living with me but very close so that I can take care of her. She really does not have enough money so that will be another burden on me. I am 58, single and working 10 to 12 hours a day. How will I manage it all. I also have children and grandchildren that need some of my time. I have a sister back east that does not want to be involved except maybe sending 20 dollars every now and then. This situation has driven a wedge between us. god this all just seems to much for me. My mother and I were not close because of her marriage. She put this person before my sister and I for many years, now he has died and I'm all she has! I'm going on to 60 if she lives another 10 years I will be 70 and my life will be coming to an end. I don't want to do this but I can not just ignore her like my sister does. I hope I can get the strengh to take care of all of this! !

Falsifying a police report to get revenge sucks!!

I am so angry that I am going to kill myself. I am angery at me and the way I act I do not deserve to live. My friends have all deserted me, they do not listen and do want to hear about my pain. I do not have anyone and am so alone. I try hard bou cannot do or say anything right, yes I am depressed and there is no help. Pills do little and alchole makes me sick.

some people in this world are just real good at pissing me off !!! the stress of work, school, parents, and kids can really get to me some times. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh THAT FELT WONDERFUL THANKS

I am angry with my husband. We took care of his father through a very difficult illness and now he sometimes has no understanding with my mom's alheimers. He expects an issue resolved to stay resolved or for me not to get upset when it resurfaces in her mind. I know that he is diabetic, and it is unstable at present, but he doesn't seem to understand that dealing with mom and turning around to find him in medical distress is all i can handle. I don't need any grief from him to boot about things with her.

I am so frustrated! I started writing on the wall and had to stop because of my mother-in-law. She is in the beginning stages of Alzheimers, and is a mean, spiteful witch. We have had to take her carkeys away from her, and she has made our life a living hell since. Our only hope is that she will be unable to pass her driving test. This is a very slim hope though. My father-in-law is in the last stages of Alzheimers , and before he went in the nursing home, he was driving up the lane to the farm, and half-way up, he forgot how to drive. A week later our license branch gave him his license. I really think they are the ones who need mental help when they can't see when someone is unable to function walking, let a lone driving. I' m seriously considering taking my mother-in-law up to see if she can pass her test. She is on sedatives and aricept (aricept is to help with memory functions). Needless to say, the aricept is doing nothing for her! Neither are the! sedatives! I think maybe she really needs an exorcism!!!

fuck everyone!! life fuckin sux.. friends bail on u and say shit about it....they seem to care less about my feelings AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I am so angry that I have to be the one to care for my mother with early Alzheimer's and my dad with advanced Parkinson's just because I am the only one here; am the only daughter; and am a nurse. My brother's have a life...where is mine? I am angry that my mother never took care of me with any sensitivity or thought but I must continually try to think of the most sensitive, caring way to help her now. I am angry that now I am also caring for my boyfriend's mom who has cancer. I am mostly angry at myself for not being able to say no to anyone other than myself. I am angry with my 25y/o daughter for not being more sensitive and tactful and mostly for not moving out of my house. But I must say most of the time I prefer the anger to the other more over whelming emotions. I prefer to be pissed rather than depressed.

My dad is 85 years old and might have one of the above: Dementia, Alzheimers, or they are not sure. I am sure though that he is starting to no longer be my father. That it is someone else that is there and not him. So, does it really matter what it is called. But what can we do here. GOD HELP US ALL

He needs a job, why is it that he can not get hired anywhere?

Here is my rub....My wife (best friend of 26 years) is taking care of her AD Mom and her 85 year old dad. I don't have a problem with the Mom - its the DAD I have some problems with. He's super quiet (like withdrawn and elusive) until he wants something or wants to bait you into a coversation that is predetermined to go HIS way. Like he wants to show you how smart he is on a subject he's been reading about for the past 36 hours!!! He comes across as condensending at times...then he does something nice (like buy us a dryer or something) and I love him for about 15 minutes!!!! We can't go anywhere - we feel as though he is stealthing around the house sneaking up on us and listening to our converstations - and - of course scrutinizing our financial decisions......SHIT.......I'm 47 and feel like I'm living with my DAD.....Oh well....I still have my buddy with me and we're on the same side....ours....

I made a new friend last week... and lost two. My lying sack of sh*t boyfriend fooled around with her when I was away at a music contest and I just don't know how to deal with it!! All I can do is bitch to people about it. I thought they were great people too.... boy do i feel dumb!!

Well, here it goes. I was married for 18 years, took care of my step-children, my wife, and just about everyone but myself. I found joy in giving to, and supporting others. It made me feel good about myself. Beginning in 1989, things started to fall apart. My parents didn't age gracefully. I finally had to place them in a nursing home. It was all that I could do. To this day, I still don't feel good about that decision. My mother dies in 1993. In 1994 I was accused of molesting my grand-daughter. In 1995 my father died in January, in November my step-son's son was still born, and in December my mother-in-law died. As you can see, the 90's haven't been my decade. I guess what really bothers me is, with mom, and pop in the nursing home, I would try to keep them covered, and my family covered to financially. I had Power of Attorney and could sign checks for my folks. They had a pretty good sum of money saved up. Between the nursing home, and taking care of my family, needless to say "It didn't last very long." Well, after my father died, there was a lump sum of money from his retirement. I'm really ashame to say this but, I can only account for about $7,000.00 of almost $40,000.00. I don't know where it went. I'm no good with money, so I would let my wife handle the finances. That was the way my parents had done it, so what else did I know? The other night, I got angry and did something that I haven't done in a long time. I went outside and hit my hands against a brick wall. Brick wall 1, me 0. Brick wall still standing; my hands are swollen, and hurt. It hurts to type this. I guess that I got to feeling sorry for myself, and the way things are now. I've always heard that depression is anger turned inwards. I DON'T LIKE LONELY!!!!!!!! Never have, and hopefully never will.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, I AM GLAD TO BE ABLE TO BE HERE FOR THEM.....IT'S JUST THAT THEY ARE FROM A DIFFERENT ERA......MY DAD DOESN'T THINK THERE IS ANY NEED TO GET AWAY....SAYS YOUR MOTHER AND I NEVER DID THAT....YEAH WELL THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING---NEVER WENT ANYWHERE ON VACATION, NEVER WENT OUT TO EAT, NEVER HAD ANY SOCIAL LIFE....HOW DID MY SISTER AND TURN OUT NORMAL?.....SHOOT---ARE WE NORMAL.....BUT FOR THEM IT WAS OK...THEY ARE CONTENT IT SEEMS....TO US IT SEEMS AS LIFE PASSED THEM BY...THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING.....OH WELL THEY HAS 4 NICE KIDS! AND WE ALL HAVE PLEASANT MEMORIES OF CHILDHOOD....ETC--SO I GUESS THAT IS A PRETTY BIG ACCOMPLISHMENT...I AM JUST FRUSTRATED NOW AS I CAN NOT DO ANYTHING WHEN I WANT TO FOR THE TIME BEING....OH WELL THIS TOO SHALL PASS! HOPEFULLY, AND MERCIFULLY SOON...

FOR 5O YRS SHE WAITED ON HIME HAND AND FOOT.....EVEN WHEN SHE COULD BARELY HOBBLE, HE'S SIT ON HIS ASS AND LET HER GET EVERYTHING FOR HIM....NEVER OFFERING TO GET SOMETHING FOR HER! I LEFT HOME AS A "KID" AND SO I NEVER GOT TO SEE HIM FROM AN ADULT POINT OF VIEW. nOW I SEE THAT HE HAS PRETTY MUCH BEEN IN CONTOL OF EVERYTHING IN HER LIFE--EVEN TO THE POINT THAT SHE DID'T MAKE UP HER OWN MIND ABOUT ANYTHING....AND NOW SHE'S LOSING HER MIND, BUT SHE STILL HAS TO GET HIS OK EVEN FOR WHAT SHE'LL HAVE FOR LUNCH---(LIKE WHAT DOES DADDY WANT? OR WHAT DOES DADDY THINK?) IT SEEMS THAT HE HAS BEEN SO USED TO BEING WAITED ON, THAT IS WHAT HE EXPECTS FROM ME---WELL I DO NOT DO THAT! I DO ATTEND TO HIS NEEDS, BUT HE CAN DO SOMETHINGS FRO HIMSELF....WHEN HE ASKED MY SON WHERE HIS ATTENDANT WAS, THAT REALLY PISSED OFF MY SON.... I FEEL LIKE I HAVE MORE TROUBLE WITH HIM THAN MY AD MOM....HE NEVER SAYS ANYTHING EITHER SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE IS THINKING.... SOMETIMES IT IS SO QUIET I COULD SCREAM!!!!THIS IS A DEATH WATCH!!!!....AND IT SUCKS!

I look at other peoples problems and it makes mine small I am only in this process for 5 years now and everyone else is has it worse and that makes me feel so angry at myself because I am not handling it better. It was fine for a long time but I am burnt out and actually these sites help alot just to talk about it because trust me there is no flesh and blood person in reach to talk to about it. I have always been the strong one I could handle anything and everything well guess what I can't I am just another person not a super anything. Why don't people understand this. When "friends" come over they see a dirty house, they see I have cut down on my hours at work, they see my mom is a very nice person, they see a yard that need attention, they see I have gain weight. They don't see that my house is dirty not because I am lazy but I either am toooooooo busy or tooooo tired to clean it more then just barely. They don't understand why I don't call anymore I can't ! ! they will not listen and I am too tired to help them with their problems. They don't realize that I cut down my hours at work because I can't even take the time for a shower before work anymore. They think they know my mom "she is so sweet" she is but she is also so malniputive right now she is in the bathroom so I have a few minutes to me but trust me if I need or want to do something like get to work 2 minutes early she will find a reason to stop me. I have always been there for my friends where are they??? When they do come to visit do you think they would let me vent myself no,, why can't they see I need help maybe someone to come over and mow the lawn or weed without being paid for it. Someone to cook dinner once in a while I am tired of the same thing all the time but I am also to tired to think of something different.. sorry I got called away again I guess I was to quiet. What I need is not so much help in the actual care of mom but in the other things that go alo! ! ng with life like someone to clean the house up take the car in for an oil change etc. WHERE ARE THESE PEOPLE NOW I have started saying no and they get angryat me Why? I am just one person



I am 31, just had my second child. My mother was diagnosed in July '96 with Alzheimers. She is only 52 years old. I can't believe the unfairness of it. She is smart and funny and positive and fun to hang around. Now she won't go shopping, sit outside, can't remember when her grandchildrens' birthdays are. Why couldn't it happen to someone mean and crabby.

Some days it doesn't sem real yet. Mom (age52) has good days when she almost seems "normal". Then something will happen and she will get confuised, or she'll tell a story for the millionth time... and it just doesn't seem like she could relly be the victim of such a terrible tragedy. Dad is afraid to go fishing this weekend for fear she will be alone too much. My sisters and I are forcing him to go so he can have a break. She is at the point where she is still okay at home alone, but doesn't eat and won't even go out into the backyard for fresh air. My sisters and I are scared of what will happen to both of our parents before they are even 60 years old.
Sam... I love you!!!!!

I know you didn't plan on being a burden

Why do you treat me worse than anyone else?

You used to tell me it was for my own good and I'd understand later on. This is for your own good, and I can't make you understand!!

I'm afraid that people believe what he says about me.

I get angry because we're both trapped.

Will it ever end? Will I ever get to be normal again?

i admire all of those who are looking through the eyes of Alzheimer's

This damn disease is killing my memories of my mom tooo!!

I'm angry because I didn't get to spend enough time with my my mother before Alzheimer's started taking her from me. I'm angry that I gave up and put her in a nursing home, and most of all I'm angry that she died, and I wonder if she would still be alive if I were taking care of her.

I can't believe none of my brothers care enough to help our mom

My whole life and those in my life have been affected by my caregiving. Yet, I feel as though I am caring for someone who is already gone. It's just that her physical body remains here and requires constant attention. This is a most dreadful disease that we struggle with.

Will there be anything left of me when Mom is gone? I need a life!

I just need to figure out how to balance...dealing with mom as well as the demands of a career I cannot afford to give up...before *I* crack up myself. Am I supposed to further postpone my own life, given that I would like to have a family myself (soon)? This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with, and I don't know what I'm doing, most of the time. I feel guilty for trying to balance, but I don't know any other way...

I used to think that not fighting to live on was a sin. I used to think that life in any form was worth living.

This experience will be with me forever. I will never have a normal life again. Even now that she's gone, all I can think about is my mother and Alzheimers.

WHY MY GRANDMA?!!!!!!!!I sometime wish that she would just go as she has been "gone" for so long, and then there comes the day that she is "here" and I feel guilty for thinking that. But should she have to live like she is. She would be HORRIFIED!!!!

am so tired of being called crazy and having everything I say challenged!

We were all so angry at the disease when we found out - we are all angry that we had to put mam into a nursing home - now we are getting angry at each other because we dont know if we can affor it any more - we will never be the same again - four kids

Why my mother, of all people!!?? Why a disease like this which takes your loved ones away before they die? Why do I have to be all alone? Why couldn't I have been married, have plenty of financial resouces, and have things in my own life more settled before this happened?

First the Holocaust now THIS!!!!!

First My MOM had to deal with the Holocaust now, why she has this disease which is robbing her of EVERYTHING once again

Dad, you were always there for me. But when you got so bad I couldn't take care of you, I put you in a home. Now that you're gone, I know you have forgiven me. I hope I can someday forgive myself. I love you, Your son

Connie is stuck up shit. She acts like she's better than everybody.

Life, strife, bought a big damn Knife.
Life, death took his last damn breath.
Life, time prison's where i learned to rhyme.

I get very angry when people say "they won't know the difference." They think because they have alzheimers they are already dead.

Stay in your own lane on the roads!!!

I get very ANGRY when I run out of potato salad!

I hate it because I am not as I want to be. I hate it because my my heart is tormented by distructive emotions. I cannot be what I wish- it's like a plague. I just wish I wasn't.

I miss my mother, I hate politicians, our loved ones could have been cured if they had been funding the research all these years I hate social workers also, haven't met one that hasn't hurt me except maybe the Alzheimer association ones but then they don't work in hospitals, etc.

I really don't know if it is anger....maybe it is.I just feel like all i am doing is waiting for her to die...even though she is not who she was any more

Why does my dad have to have dementia - why does my mom have to be the caregiver - why do I have to be the one to help them both. My siblings try - sort of but most of them just don't understand especially the boys. Why can't my dad be the way he was 8 years ago before all these things changed. Why is life so unfair to my parents.

Anger!!!!!!!!!!! Why?WHY?!!!!!
It trickes me.... It makes me do things I don't want to do??????? Why can't I get a grip... For no reason it will surface and I WILL FIND A OUTLET??? I'M scared of why.... Life is good but the past is allways there.
I want to talk but I am so scared....
I hate but I LOVE. How could two side be the same..
I guess that is why "THEY" say that there is fine line between love and hate. I'm so angery....for so many reasons where does one start?????
Bad spelling, sorry...

Live is HELL

Death would be a joke right now I was never afraid to die now I'm afraid to live th the way my wife is. She is braver than I'll ever be and I have no life without her.

We were put here to make the world a better place for our having been here and to have some fun and laughs doing it. We must learn to cope as best we can while respecting other people's rights and needs. Many things we feel guilty about we didn't have to do nor is it necessarily our responsibility. We all of done the best we could with what we knew and our abilities at that moment in life, hence we never have a good reason to feel guilty. We can always learn each and every day to do better. When you don't learn from your experiences and mistakes, it is then you are justified in feeling guility. Do you reasonable best each and every day and you have no reason to feel guilty. I did my best in caring for my dying mother with AD. I did not have much practice at such and I hope I will never need that learning again. I did learn that people with AD and their families have a right and need for death with dignity before the disease steals their dignity,their sanity, their true spirit, their ability to recognize and love family. Dr. K where are you when we needed you?! Dr. k ! Dr. K Doctor K! Doctor K! Doctor K! Where are you and how does the jury that convicted him sleep at night? be

you know I am not even going to read any other stories this afternoon, because it makes me feel disgusted in myself for being so angry about what perhaps other people feel is just normal shit. i can't help feeling angry, i can't help feeling like i've missed out on something in my life and i hate the fact that it seems that i am looking in all the wrong places for that fullfillment. it just seems to get me every few weeks and i get so angry. angry that i feel i am not the one to make someone elses moment, that i am not worth thinking about. of course yeah he washes up every now and again, vacuumed once this year, but to have someone consistently thinking about how life together could be better. i am angry that i waste my time and then how fucking useless is my time to me alone anyway........... i just want, maybe too much.........

For the last time she walked her little dog on his lease in the frontroom...Why bother taking him out, he has his little spot to go in the frontroom..I was upstairs standing at the top of the stairs and her she comes.. I will not put up with this anymore.. SHE CAN GET HER SORRY ASS AND HER UGLY DOG OUT OF MY HOUSE. You can try to act like this doesn't bother you, tell yourself shes 83, but it makes me so angry and upset. This situation has an answer. She sneaks around the house like the pink panther looking to see if we will see her. Well I caught her for the last time.

Honey, if she has AD she will die a lousy death. You don't have to wish it. If you don't live with her everyday, it then is only as bad as you choose it to be.

here i sit...wanting to cry, but not wanting to start cuz i'm not sure i'd be able to stop. having my mother and father move in with my family has put SUCH a strain on us all. my husband feels so much resentment towards the fact that they take so much of me. and it's true, it is SO draining to be "on duty" twenty four hours a day for them.....there isn't any time for US....the only time we go out any more is to grocery shop, or to the pharmacy. nothing for us. in a year we have gone off for the day twice.....and had two 2 day weekend ovewrnights away. this is all when we were going to finally have time for US....and not have to worry about our kids any more....but now it's worse than when the kids were babies.....we can not find a "baby sitter" for an 85 yr old woman in diapers.... i want an end to the strain,,,but know what that end means.... talk about being torn.....aahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!



Yesterday is history,
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

I am so ticked off, at my 4 dear brothers for saying "What ever you want to do, we will go along with". Ticked off at Mom for getting AZ, at her Doctors for not having a "wonder cure", at the social workers for not being able to give me the answers I want to hear. I am very angry that I feel pulled in 1000 different directions by my husband, young son, Mom, her brother and sisters, my brothers, neices, nephews, that I have to travel 160 miles round trip at least 3 times a week, but most of all, I am totally PISSED that AZ has robbed me of my Mother. The kind, gentle, caring, loving, perfectly coifed, imaculately dressed, clean-freak, agreeable, willing to try anything once, dare-devil, ahead of her times super Mom/Grandma, has turned into an onery, argumentative, foul-mouthed, paranoid, screaming, shrew of an un-bathed nasty woman. I love Mom more than anything, I am her only daughter, she was my best friend, I could tell her anything and she would never raise an eyebrow. Mom was always there for me, she pulled me through every disaster I have ever had in my life. Suddenly at age 50, I have to grow up and face life without the wisdom of my Mother. I hate AZ and what it has done to Mom. I wasn't through needing Mom and suddenly, I have to be the strong one, the one with all the answers and I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared I may make the wrong choices for her. I so very much want to be a little girl again with my head on Moms chest, listening to her heart beat, the sound of her voice, the smell of shampoo in her hair,Doublemint gum on her breath, while she one last time tells me the story of Little Red Ridinghood.

I feel so guilty when I come home from work and the only conversation I can have with my Mother is about people who she sees but are not actually there.

My patience level is decreasing and it hasn't even been 2 years. Yikes.

Well here goes, I'm tried of hearing the same stories for the last 9 months. I"M tired of carring the load alone. My Sibs must think that my Dad died in that crash, it was our mother. Yes the man that I now have living with me is not the man he was. He is different but head trauma will do that. They have to understand as I have that we don't get to look the other way.
We have to deal with what we are handed. They also have to Live with all the things that they have done. That is their problem, my problem is that I need family around that can help make the connections that I can't.
I know that things will never be the same, but why can't people realize that you can build new memoeries. Joan

I am angry that several things hit my daddy all at once: alzheimer's, asthma and his very small stroke. I am also angry that this disease is robbing my daddy of his memories.

Oh it is damaging oh hell

My wife passed away December 24, 1997. My anger is with all the people that say "At least she isn't suffering anymore or in pain". I took care of her at home to the very end and I never at any time did I let her suffer. It was very difficut and I'm having a very tough time now and it doesn't make it any eaiser when a person who has no idea what its like makes a statement as strong as that.

why do we have to fit a certain image......i am an individual with feeling.....not a mere physical being to be gazed upon in the flesh

Why is it that we only ever see Dr's signatures, and hear the nurses voices over the phones, and barely ever see either but the Nurses Aides, and Residential Aides, who are with the Alzheimer patients 8 or more hours a day, 5,6 or 7 days a week are the ones that noone listens too, we see the small changes, the days that a patient is "off" from their usual, not so usual, self, we are the ones who change soiled clothes and incontinent products, and wash them and brush their teeth, and dress them, but NO ONE EVER LISTENS!!! we know when they are sick, or sad alot, or having hallucinations(either they need some medication, or are having a bad reaction), we take the verbal and physical abuse that these beautiful, lost souls dish out, not to mention the verbal abuse that we suffer at the mouths of family members who show up once every couple of months, and Dr's and Nurses.

My anger is not at the husband who is lost, confused, inarticulate, incompetent, and vacant. It's not his fault. Mine is resentment for my own personal loss of this formerly bright, funny, loving, achieving and interesting partner. That sucks. In the situation I can find lessons in living, patience and care providing. However, I see no lessons to be learned in this sad, sad loss.

I work in a residential group home and get very angry at family members who demand that you try to push reality and want the resident assistants to follow all of the orders given with no change or consideration, but then they do what they please (ie: following restricted diets-and then taking the patient to McDonald's)

Hello, I am a 15 year old female from Michigan and I am angry about a few things:
I really hate it when teenagers smoke in public and don't get caught. It makes no sense that these laws are made unless they are enforced.
I also hate how the media, especially magazines like Teen and Seventeen, is creating a world full of superficial girls. In my opinion, the American female population has a bit more potential than to become adults concerned with "Girl Power", "Celebs", and "The Perfect Makeup to Wear on Friday Night." Interesting statistic: Accoring to a recent Ladis' Home Journal survey, only 13% of the articles in these magazines deal with issues such as careers and education. The other 87% has to do with "important" things such as the aforementioned topics. A question to the American public: Do we really want a generation of superficial females invading our workplaces? I think not.
If you would like to discuss this topic with me (I have much more anger where that came from) please feel free to write me at Angelbreak1@yahoo.com. Thank you for your time.

I am just going to vent about things that bother me. I get very angry at people who say I know what your going through THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE and people who say just call if you need anything HAH! THEY ARE ALWAYS BUSY and people who no longer invite you to gatherings DO THEY THINK YOU ARE TO STUPID TO REALIZE IT It isn't fair to be an outcast for something you can not help

For all who have wondered. Yes, plastic does burn. Plastic and a little chicken grease makes a LOVELY fire in the oven. Used the fire extinguisher for the first time. TLC

I am Nils and mother has AZ. I have nothing to spit out. Mothers Az has changed my life. I never realized before that dying was not as simple as it is in the movies.
Suddently I start understanding that mother lived her life as best as she could (if you want to read as best as God would let her live it you may). I find it wonderful that losing most of her vital functions my mother still is full of love for flowers and trees.
I find it difficult to understand that while she cannot speak she manages to explain that "this perosn there in the corner " is not bad. I find it difficult to understand that while so many things are no longer possible one of her most important worry is that the other will have something to eat. I cannot undertand that while mother cannot remember what happened 5 minutes ago, she could worry about the pain I may have felt at the dentist for nearly 15 minutes. I cannot understand that there are so many good people around. The inverse is also true. Finally after having lived in Africa and Burundi and now mothers AZ I understand that I have given no room to God to act with me.I have been quite contend to be a good guy. The most painful aspect of this AZ has been, is the loneliness. A lot of loneliness. Therefore I have to say thank you to all of you who contribute your life stories and angers. While it hurts, at the same time it heals a bit, don't ask me how and why. Good night to you all
Thank you Susan for this link. If I have offended anybody please accept my apologies This was Nils, near Paris, tuesday evening.

I just found "The Wall" to night and felt relief after reading the letters by others. I now know I am not CRAZY!!! My mother will be 82 next month and for a few years now I saw her memory slipping. A doctor at Yale told me that she was OK but I know she wasn't. Without my knowledge she stopped taking her high blood pressure pills as well as other meds, it's amazing she's alive. Her vision is poor, but she won't wear her glasses anymore. Two years ago I was forced to retire by the Police Department I worked for due to a job related injury. I have cervical and lumbar problems along with asthma. Since 1970 whe my mother survived cancer I have been taking care of her more or less. For the past eighteen years she has been living on her own, but I take her everywhere and during those years she would make me feel guilty if I went anywhere with out her. My older brother has not helped out at all, and calls her maybe once or twice a year and he lives
only a few town! s away. To top matters off, my mother has always been a good liar and items like her microwave, toaster and even clothing she has gotten rid of by either giving them away or selling them!!!!!!! So for the past two years while I have been having to struggle living on my pension while having a high mortage, unable to find a good job, I have been buying my mother things only to learn she doesn't even have them!!!!!


LOVE SUCKS

All I needed Mom to do was to stop the yelling by telling Gran that I was just making an undirected statement about the fruit being misplaced. Instead, she turns to me and starts yelling that Grandmother's memory is bad, making it sound like I WAS casting blame. All I needed from her was for her to stop the argument, to point out that I wasn't casting blame, instead of making it worse for me in the future. It's like being in a family where the parents spank the older child for every argument, whether it's the child's fault or not, and the younger one begins to take advantage of it and blame everything on the elder. Causing me to break my leg wasn't enough, she's got to unravel the few threads of my sanity that I've managed to hold together as well. I never really believed you could get upset enough to throw up, but you can. And it doesn't help if you're not alone if the other capable person turns on you with alarming regularity. I can't do all of this, something's go! ing to break, whether it be the loss of my career, the loss of my relationship, or the loss of my sanity. I know life isn't supposed to be perfect, but I have to believe that all of it isn't supposed to be this bad. I'm emotionally used up, and I'm not even thirty yet. There was supposed to be a break in between divorce, suicide, hate-mail made up by my Gran in her "saner" period about my fiancee, so much more... if it was just one of these, even if just the Alzheimer's, I could handle it, but I can't go through this anymore. It's all too much.

I love my mother so much, and who she is is fading day by day. Why? Why her? I worry about my dad - he's 88 and he's angry - and I don't know how to make any of it better. I can't. I feel so responsible for them. There are so many things I probably should do, but I just want to run away. I want my mother back! I feel like she's deserting us and I know it's not her choice, but I still feel lost. I'm so afraid this is going to kill dad and I feel so helpless to do everything that needs to be done. - Jennie

she's taking off 20 points!!!

live is not fair and i'm not going to take it anymore!!!!!!!

I'm angry that I have lost my mother to Alzheimer's - thatI grieve for her every day and she's still alive. I'm angry that I can't muster up the genuine affection she needs and deserves. I wish I had more patience. I wish the rest of my family helped me more. I wish I could find her care that would interest her an