Oma has a cottage that she and my Opa bought a year before I was born. Because I live closer to her house in the city, and my parents live closer to the cottage, it's our arrangement that I take care of her things at home and they take care of the cottage. Opa died last year, but Oma still maintains the cottage.

Now this starts out sounding really nice and friendly, doesn't it? Problem is, Oma has had depression and anxiety for decades - these things tend to run in families, and 4 out of 6 of her grandchildren (and I'm the only one over 25) are on or have been on antidepressants. Oma KNOWS her anxiety is through the roof, she went to the hospital with what she thought was a heart attack but it was really an anxiety attack! She has, on many occassions over the last decade, told me and my mother that she wishes she was dead.

She is killing herself maintaining that cottage. She won't stop working until she's physically exhausted (which, by the way, is how my Opa died last year - working at the cottage). She spends a lot of time up there alone, too. She complains to me all the time "I work so hard I'm exhuasted and I can't keep up with it and I get sick!" I tell her she CHOOSES to work that hard. More than half the work she does is completely optional and unnecessary - the world would not come to an end if she planted HALF as many flowers and vegetables. Every time I say that, she says "You're right, I should work less" but she doesn't!

The big problem (THIS time at least) is the stupid Outhouse at the cottage. Yes, there is a bathroom, but there is also an outdoor outhouse. That outhouse came with the cottage, and it has been in bad shape for many many years. Oma asked my parents if they could replace the floor in the outhouse because it was rotten. When my parents and brother (who is an engineer and knows what he's doing) looked at the outhouse, they realized that not only the floor but the walls were broken. So instead of fixing only the floor, they decided the best course of action was to replace the old piece of crap (pun intended) in its entirity.

Now I don't know why my parents and brother didn't TELL Oma what they were going to do. That was a bad move. They should have had my brother call her (because she would NEVER yell at him) and explain to her gently what they were going to do. But instead, they ripped it down and started building a new one without telling her.

While they were working on fixing it, Oma came to the cottage with my Uncle and 2 of my cousins, who were visiting from California. When Oma saw what they were doing, she FREAKED and yelled at my parents in front of our relatives for trying to take over the cottage and called my father a "snake in the grass" trying to sneakily take over everything. She spent the rest of the weekend bemoaning the demise of the old outhouse (apparently she was quite attatched to it) and belittling my parents.

My parents have driven 3 hours each way every single weekend this summer to the cottage to help her with what SHE asks them to do, and to make sure she's ok. She has never thanked them and constantly complains that there's too much they DON'T do that she has to do herself.

I used to hope that she would pass the cottage on to the family and let other people do the work. But it's not going to happen. Even if she hands ownership of the cottage over to someone in the family, she'll freak out every time anyone changes anything or does anything differently, and there's a LOT of half-broken stuff that needs replacing. She's been debating whether or not to sell it, and now I think she should. My parents HATE going there the way she treats them, they go only out of a sense of duty. It seems now we'll all be better off (especially her) if she sells it, and the sooner the better.

This outhouse incident happened about 3 weeks ago. I'm going to spend tomorrow helping her with stuff at her house in the city, so I phoned her to make sure everything was still on. As soon as she answered the phone I could hear in the tone of her voice that she is in a very depressed mood. She told me that she can't get Opa's old sander working. I asked her "what are you doing with a sander?" she said the walls of the new outhouse are not finished well enough and she has to sand them and paint them herself. She's also unhappy with the new plastic roof and wants to hire someone to come in and put proper wooden shingles on it. It's an outhouse. Not the Taj Mahal.

While I was talking to her she began to insult my parents. I did my best to steer the conversation another direction. She then said "With all the hammering and noise at the cottage it was a terrible birthday for me... oh well, I don't have very many birthdays left."

I know my Oma. She's still going to be bewailing that damn outhouse until Christmas. If she complains about it less than 20 times tomorrow it'll be a miracle. The bigger miracle will be if I can stay calm and not tell her off for being so unappreciative of the sacrifice and labour my parents are putting in on her behalf every weekend!

Update on the whole "outhouse" fiasco:

I phoned Oma tonight and she is at the cottage right now. I can always tell by the tone of her voice how she's REALLY feeling, and she's in a great mood! She finally got a hold of her favourite handyman today, and he is coming over tomorrow morning to have a look at the outhouse and see how he can fix it to her specifications. So hopefully he'll be able to fix it easily and quickly and we can never speak of this again. Oma and Opa always really trusted and liked this handyman, so this will be like a visit for her too. Oka's baking up some goodies to serve to him on his breaks.

Oma also told me that in the basement of her house she found a new saw and she was cutting stuff up for a while today. At first I thought she meant an electric saw and I was horrified, but then she said no, it's a regular manual saw, so that's not so bad, but she said it was really hard for her to do.

I really wish she would just leave stuff like that for the handyman to do himself with his power tools in a fraction of the time that it takes her to do it with a manual saw. Keep in mind that while Oma is in relatively good health she DOES have a heart condition, she is ALONE at the cottage most of the time, and Opa died there last year while working really hard.

On the doctor front, Oma said that she phoned her doc's office but he is away on vacation for a few weeks, he'll be back this week but his office is always very, very busy for a few weeks after he gets back. She said she'll go see him after he's been home a few weeks so that his office will be quieter and she can really take her time and talk to him. I hope she doesn't back out of talking to him about her depression. Fiance and I will just keep encouraging her, that's the best we can do at this point.

Hi Guys, thank you all for the kind support. I hope Oma takes that letter to her doc... it will be so much simpler if she doesn't change her mind. But she knows me well, she knows I have a copy of the letter and she knows I mean business when I say I'll call her doctor if she doesn't!
I get mild SAD (usually sets in around February). This seems like a good topic in itself, I'll go start a new thread!
I have lots of meetings and last minute prep tomorrow for school, and then Wednesday is the first day of class! Yay! I'm slightly nervous but more excited.

The letter is an excellent idea since she goes alone to the doc.. I hope your good work pays off for all involved.

As far as SAD, I can tell a difference in my Mom if there are 3 cloudy days in a row. She naps even more and is more easily confused. She will not use one of the lights however because she says the glare bothers her. They are still a great idea as Gypsy mentioned. Many people are helped by them, more than by medication, and the two together may be great..

You do good work ,Sis. Your detailed description will help others, Thankyou.

Hi Sister, Your Oma is so lucky to have such a caring and thoughtful Granddaugher. I hope she does go to her Dr. with your letter(that was such a good idea) Does anyone else in your family have Seasonal Affective Disorder? Have they (or she) tried light therapy? I bought a lamp last year-don't know if it made a difference to Mike but I was amazed at the difference for me.Enjoy your beach day, and let us know how teaching goes. Gypsy

Hi SA, What a beautiful person you are. Lets add on angel, heart of gold, loving, caring, compassionate and one hell of a special granddaughter. The love you two have for eachother is so incredible. You are obviously the one true joy in her life. And her love for you is also very obvious. You are offering her a chance to feel and be happy and it doesn't get much better than that. I give you an A+ for the way you helped to write the next chapter in your Oma's life. It was perfect. mumbo

siste awake, it sounds like you did OK with oma. maybe if you can help her get stablized with the depression and anxiety she will be able to ease up on critizism of the other family members. it sounds like an emotional but productive day. good luck with this. enjoy the start of school. you must be very excited to get going with your new job.hope to hear from you soon. and being a smart aleck, i just have to add this episode caused quite a stink!! sorry, couldn't resist

This message has been edited. Last edited by: fat, dumb and happy,

Thanks for all the support ladies!
My fiance and I got up at 6am yesterday morning and arived at Oma's shortly after she'd finished her morning coffee. We had a lovely morning helping her with stuff around the house and going shopping (she needed a new phone and answering machine, so we got her the exact same kind we have so that if she has any problems we'll know what to do), and went to her favourite restaurant for lunch.

While we were having afternoon tea, she started complaining about the outhouse again, and complaining about my parents (my brother, the engineer, remains completely blameless. Everything is my parents' fault). She also showed me some ancient tools she wants to use herself to "finish" it. Oh, and she's not really sure how to USE the tools, and she's afraid she might hurt herself using them. I told her DON'T use them, it's not worth the risk, hire the handyman that she and Opa trusted for years and let HIM finish it the way she wants it finished. I agreed with her that yes, my parents should have told her they couldn't fix it and needed to replace it, but they weren't doing it to hurt her, they were trying to help her. I also told her she didn't need to worry about my father trying to "steal" the cottage out from under her; he's never wanted to take over the cottage, and the only reason he goes there is because he's trying to be good and help his mother-in-law and that he's very hurt by what she's been accusing him of. Besides that, he has NO legal claim to the cottage whatsoever, so he couldn't take if over if he wanted to. I told her the bottom line is that NO outhouse in the world is worth all the hurt this has caused our family, so just hire the handyman to fix it how she wants and be done with it.

Even when we walked in the door, and even while we were having a lovely morning, I could tell that her anxiety was at a dangerous level. She's had depression and anxiety since she was a child but has received no treatment. She thinks it's a shamful thing to admit to, and her high anxiety levels are putting her in physical danger - she already has a heart condition, and the depression makes her wish that she was dead. Every time the phone rings or the toast pops out of the toaster she jumps like she's been stung by a bee. It was time for me to have a very frank discussion with her about this.

Now if my mother had tried to talk to her about this Oma would have berated and yelled at her. And she would never admit her real problems to my Uncle, because she wouldn't want to burden her precious baby boy. And she wouldn't tell either of my brothers or any of my cousins what's really going on, either. But for some reason, I can tell her to do things she needs to do, or get her to tell me the truth, when no one else can.

Our conversation lasted about 3 hours with both of us talking and crying. I asked what anxiety medication she had, and all she has is a pill she can take "as required." I told her it's time she talk to her doctor about getting some anti-depresants she can take every day, and there is no reason she should have to be so unhapy and suffer and wish she was dead every day if medication can make her feel a little better. She doesn't like to take medication if she doesn't have to, so I said "Diabetics have to take insulin every day or they'll die, and if you were diabetic and didn't want to take your medecine just becase you don't like being on medication, that wouldn't make much sense would it? Your depression is your disease; it's not your choice to have it, and it's not your fault, it's just your brain chemistry, and if some medication can help you not wish every day that you were dead, it's worth taking it."

She said "I feel like I have to hide how bad I feel from everyone." I said "I know depression is embarrassing, but you don't have to tell everybody. You can lie to your neighbours and friends all you want, but don't lie to ME or your doctor. You are my responsibility and I know what's really going on!"

When Oma gets nervous, she has difficulty explaining herself in English, so we sat down and I wrote out CLEARLY how she is feeling, how her depression is affecting her daily, and explained that she wants a low-dose anti-depressant without drowsy side effects. I then wrote the names of anti-ds her granddaughters have found successful (she'll be more comfortable taking something she knows someone with the same genes has had success with). I wrote 2 copies of this letter. I kept one for my own records and told her to take the other one to her doctor, so if she has trouble explaining to him what's really going on, she can just hand him the letter.

I told Oma that I want her to see her doctor and I want her to have an anti-depressant before October so it can start helping her before Seasonal Affective Disorder rears its ugly head in the winter. I explained to her how important it is to take the pills every day, not just when she "feels like it."

I told Oma if she doesn't talk to her doctor about this I will. I said "I'm not trying to be a bully Oma, I'm doing this because I love you and I want us to have more happy times together." She cried and said she knows I love her and she loves me too and I'm her best grandchild and no one cares about her except me and no one else tries to help her like this.

Wow. What a day.

Sis, I think the understanding you show to her and simply LISTENING to her complaints is an enormous gift to her. When she begins to obsess, try to redirect her attention. Example: if she is bitching about the sander, try to help her get it going and give her a hand, or take it for repair. Ask her to tell you about times gone by when she was the "lady of the manor" and was hostess to many great family times. Remind her of the sweet and funny times y'all had there. ANYTHING to get her off the negative obsessions and on to more positive thinking and productive activity.

I found having to hang out with my grands & great grands rough, but because I did, I accidentally learned a LOT about them, my family, plants, cooking, etc. that I never would have learned any other way. It was tedious sometimes, but looking back, I SOOOO treasure those times and wish now that I had paid even MORE attention to them! Sometimes I wondered what the use was to clutter up my brain with all the family history and pearls of wisdom and information about topics I really didn't care much about... as life has gone on, I have discovered that the oral history and knowledge they passed on to me cannot be had elsewhere any more and a LOT of that stuff has come in very handy in ways I never imagined!

That your Oma is talking to you about her hurt feelings puts you square in the middle - a really uncomfortable position for anyone, but... sigh... you have been chosen. Perhaps you could assure her that in the future, if you hear about anything going on that you know she will want brought to her attention, you will be SURE to let her know regardless if anyone else does. Then make good on the promise. Sure, everyone will dump on you, but in most families, SOMEONE has to play that role... In my family, it's me and many times I didn't want the responsibility, but I took it on anyway. It has given me a greater understanding of my family members and their individual points of view. I find it difficult to be judgmental of any of them because I understand where each is coming from and I try to help the best way that I can, if only to listen. Confusing, yes. PITA, you betcha! But it has made me a better woman who realizes that everyone has a story they need someone to hear.

Good luck, dear! I hope that y'all have a wonderful weekend and that your Oma can put all this behind her with some assistance from you so that y'all can enjoy many more good times together.

I am so sorry your Oma is taking this so hard. I am fortunate that my Mom is very pleased to let us do things for her. But a can't move anything in her house without asking her first and explaining why I want to, then I can do it.
I feel badly for your folks and your brother. I know they thought they were doing the right thing. Hindsight is 20/20. Now you are trying to pick up the pieces and put things back together again. Well, sometimes you can't. You bite your tongue and let it ride. Good luck, sweetie, sometimes the less said the better. Just let her talk , and then you talk about something else. Don't try to talk her out of how she feels, that will only feed the resentment. Just listen and then change the subject. Then it won't get aimed at you at least.

Mom's Buddy, I agree with you. As I said in my post, they should have had my brother phone her and explain to her what was going on BEFORE they did anything. If they had done that, even if she had insisted they not do anything, my parents could have just said "fine" and it would have just stayed that way. I don't know what they were thinking tearing it down entirely without informing her. Especially when they KNOW she gets mad over every little thing on a good day! Now I'm stuck wit the aftermath trying to calm her down and not wanting to listen to her badmouth m parents, which she would probably do even if this hadn't occured.

I can understand your frustration, Sis and your parents' too, but I am most struck by your grandmother's feelings. Her husband is dead. The place she loves, she can no longer keep up with no matter how hard she tries. Stuff is falling apart and changing in her life quicker than she can fix or adjust to it. I think it's very sad for her and it breaks my heart for her to lose anything more of her life than she already has... even an outhouse that no one but her values. I can understand how out of control she must be feeling in general, then discovers that no one even consulted her about the repairs/renovation? Perhaps it seems ungrateful and over the top to y'all - and if she is having problems with depression or mild dementia, perhaps her reaction was less restrained - but it's a big deal to her! I think she should have been included in this discussion and that apologies are in order for having left her out of the loop. If she is "together" enough to go work there like a trojan and visit with your uncle and cousins, she is certainly cognizant enough to have at least been consulted about a major construction job at her cottage! However well-intended, I think your parents blew it and were quite disrespectful of her feelings and her rights. A little more sensitivity to what SHE is going through is in order here. It's obvious that she is overwhelmed with life events, aging and her own health concerns, but she's still in the game from your description and so should be treated like a player.

Sister, I feel for your MOm and Dad, they are trying to keep the property up before it gets in such a sad state.

Maybe someone, other than your parents needs to lay it on the line with Oma, expailning to her that she is so blessed to have a family who cares so much for her they just want to help keep it in good condition. She might, just maybe, I doubt it, listen to someone else. If it were me, and I have never claimed to be a great CG, I would let her have some time alone at the cabin, then she may see how important it is to have family around.

Good luck and God Bless honey, keep us posted on the Oma story!!!!!!

Hi SA, There are very few things better in this life then a damn good "outhouse" story. I hated to see it end. Thank you for making my day.