Hi folks I have posted here before

my mother in law has been diagnosed with dementia

she lives with me..her son (who is my husband)
her sister age 83, and my dad age 77

we bought our house with the intention of taking care of our parents during their golden years..and being a nice home for our own retirement

everyone has a nice room, and tv of their own

5 days ago my mother in law
Accused my husband and I of Sabotaging her TV, she could not get the remote to work right

she has been in a fit of rage with all of us ever since

I keep hoping every morning her attitude will turn nice again, but as soon as I say good morning mom would you like some breakfast and
the reply is a stern angry " no I don't..i don't want anything from you EVER!"
well....I know my day is going to be difficult

3 days ago she refused medication, and all food
My house keeper adores her and offered to care for her a couple days in her home
we agreed because

A. I need the break...we are all the enemy and I just can't take the rages anymore

B. I'm terribly concerned because she has begun striking out physically at the family
hitting me, her son.


while preparing my mother in law to go to my housekeepers home, her 83 year old sister was trying to help me get mother-inlaw's soiled nightgown off and in a sudden fit of rage she grabbed her 83 year old sister by the shirt collar and began shaking her--almost causing her sister to fall

I don't know what to do next

several family members who are in the healthcare field say it is time to place her in a skilled facility for her safety and ours

, although I am told She has calmed down at my housekeepers home...but we are still the enemy.

My husband doesn't want her to stay there much longer he worrys she may go into a rage and hurt our housekeeper or one of her small children

I feel sad, i feel i am abandoning her sending her to a skiiled facility...
and how do we tell her she is going to a skilled facility to live

Dixie! Wooooo! Do I know this behavior I have an 83 year old MIL myself with the same points you bring up...anger/rage issues that go way back to how she was as a functioning member of society...Let me tell you it aint no picnic! This behavior is blasted up on volume 10 when their mental health start to deteriorate like ours have...mine is also getting physical sadly. I would do as Lisa said and have her re evaluated for meds and a UTI. But keeping her at a strangers house not such a good idea she can get in a split second disoriented and go off the deep end or worse hurt that lovely housekeeper of yours (what a gem you have there) I say if you cant handle it chances are its a good time to get a workup done toot sweet. Im also going to tell you not to baby her this is where this behavior rears its ugly head...dont ask just do. Heres what I mean since I deal with this...8am is breakfast I dont ask I just do. Snack, lunch and snack even when I hear that feeble lil voice saying "Im not hungry" is done...Shower, changing beds, cleaning up, even that remote control issue (yeah I got that too! ) Dont engage them in this, dont try to explain it, it just makes it worse. Heck at this point that Im in I cant even say something as innocent as "good morning" so I do what I feel is best and do not say anything at all...Im the ghost sorta speak that whisks in does the feeding and chores and whisks right back out with not a word outta my lips...Harsh (IMHO yes it is) but when it comes to this its not...Ide rather not say anything than to get her worked up for no good reason. I suspect your hunny needs to learn a lil detatch too in this areana...Since this latest stage my hunny has done the same here in not engaging when he sees her acting out so there you go...theres no shame in this and hunny nor you should feel guilty about using this tool.
BTW there is a nice huge remote control I purchased here for just this reason you might want to try and get one for both your dad and mil its a godsend here. I even got the big numbers phone for when she calls her relatives every now and again...

Hi ms Liza

what is a UTI?

All I know is my mother in law is different--she has never hit anyone nor threatned to do so
in all the 15 years i have known her

Now she will strike out at the least provocation
She never ever used profanity, now she swears worse than a sailor. some of the nasty words are shocking to hear come out of her mouth

Last month I was accused of getting rid of her dog. even though I pointed to her dog, and said mom--your dog is laying right next to you---she replied "well that not my dog, you gave my dog away and should be ashamed of yourself"


She gets confussed forgets things as we all do, but never ever would she forget what her dog looks like....the dog follows her everywhere by the way...

any advice is welcomed

thanks

it's been a difficult road for my mother in law the past couple months.

she had a shunt placed in her brain due to water on the brain.
This helped her speech and memory problems over night
we dealt with many many T.I.A attacks (mini strokes) from june until late august, the right medication has cleared them up

My mother in law has always been a dominant personality...anger is her weapon of choice to keep people in line, get what she wants or make others do what she wants them to do

Dixiepenny

*hugs* for you. Situations and decisions like this are never easy to deal with.

Have you contacted your MIL's doc to discuss what's going on? Some medications can have adverse affects on our Lo's or it's possible she may need to have meds adjusted/changed. Another thought, could she have a UTI? These can bring out radical changes in personality.

Making the decision to place a LO in a skilled faciltiy is difficult. Less than a month ago I had no choice but to place my Mom. I felt guilty that I couldn't care for her anymore but know that she is getting the care 24/7 that she needs and that I can't provide.

Mom was told she was going to NH for meds adjustment. I told her I love her but can not care for her like this.

I agree w/your husband that MIL should not be w/housekeeper & children if she is physical. Is it possible to place her in NH on a temp basis/respite while you & hubby sort this out?

Let us know how things are going