I am so angry my dad died. I am so angry he left me. I am angry at Dr. Lim and the stupid neurologist who always said that would get better. they played with my dad's body; they knew he wasn't getting better. I am angry at chela and pati and gustavo for telling me to be "patient" with mom. I'm fed up with mom, having to take care of her and I need a vacation. I am angry at God for not answering my prayer of healing my dad- I'm angry at mama mimi. I am angry at Arturo for being selfish and am angry at sook fco. for being a jerk and making dad sad. I am angry at roberto for not coming and visiting mom--i'm angry at people who call themselves christians and don't care or visited us when we needed help. Fuck them all!

As long as I have know my husband, his mother has been insulting. The last year since her husband died it has even been worse. Now the family needs me to take care of everything. It is hard to love her and care for her after being insulted time after time even in front of my Mom. I know she doesn't respect me. Now she is ill and I am supposed to understand and give up my life. I will not do it. It is not fair. Everyone else has big talk but isn't here to do the work. Where are they day in and day out? Where are they to make the phone calls? Where were they everytime she thought her boyfriend had left her? Nobody was there then. Nobody was there to deal with that. I just cannot take anymore. If this goes on much longer, my life will be gone. She is selfish and hurt her husband for all the years they were married and she doesn't love her son. If she did she would think of him and his health. But she is just a bitch.

i have a lot of hositlty from my mother and have a problem letting go of our past problems and now i'm seeing tha circle it was causing. i don't want to beee like my mother! I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE MY MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!

i have a lot of hositlty from my mother and have a problem letting go of our past problems and now i'm seeing tha circle it was causing. i don't want to beee like my mother! I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE MY MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!

Alzheimers claimed another victim yesterday, my beloved Mom, who was 86 years, 3 months and 12 days old. I KNOW what all of you are going through and my heart goes out to you. Hold fast to those good days, if it isn't a whole day, hang onto the hour, the minute or second. I know you are going through horrible times, getting no help, no sleep and are more than likely being criticized by people who have no clue what it's like to care for A/D patients 24/7s. Don't ever let anybody make you feel guilty, YOU are the caregiver. This will not last forever, even though I know it looks like no end in sight. Your task is the hardest imaginable and if it were not for the love you have, you would not be doing it. Hang in there. The agony is over for Mom and I will miss my old Mom forver, the way she was BEFORE A/D. I loved her so very much.

I need a real boyfriend, a career, and money.

I am ready to give up.

ggrrrrrrraaaaARRRHHGGHH@$@$&@!&#(*%(@(!!!!! that helped a bit. now i am going to hit this wall

This is to the teenager who EXPRESSED herself saying over and over you want your mother to die. You really need some counseling. If you dont get counseling,ALL OF YOUR NASTY DREAMS JUST MAY COME TRUE! Im sure that never acured to your angry teenage mind. good luck.

SL-SL? Are you still a reader of the wall? This is SM and we spoke about 4 months back about various things. I just read your comment again and it was comforting to know that you actually took an interest in my writing. I'd like to learn more about you and see what experiences we have in common, so we can better manage our anger/problems. If not, that's ok too. I'll check back periodically. SM

i hate my school!!!!!!!

She always puts her hands to her ears as if she could clear the confusion away. It really is a shame. If we are lucky we will get old or is that unlucky.

AD is stealing my mom and I miss her.

I didnt know much about alzheimers until i found out that my boyfriends aunt has it i thought u just forgot little things but that u would always remeber those who care u may not be able to pin point who someone is in a crowd and u may not even remember their name but i thought that u would atleast remember the times u had together. well my b/f is upset about his aunt so i thought i would check out what others had to say about alzheimers and now i can understand y he is upset. i thought that bein raped and and malested by ur stepdad and abused in other ways could be the most hurtful things in the world. but i dont know how i would react if one of my close relatives had alzheimers so i geuss that is one of the worse things to happen. but i dont know y so many ppl get angry that they have to help their friends or family out b/c its not their fault they have the disease well u cant change what others think or feel. but i hope that ppl will try and understand what is happenin to the elderly ppl of our world and to others that have diseases they cant help. well if any of u have anything that u could tell me about alzheimers that the books cant tell me be free to let me know at goof_ball_1983@yahoo.com thnx for listenin. later renea

Im always in shit its just the depth that varies!Other than that Life is Peachy sorry to put a damper on all those depressed angry souls out there but La vie est belle!

why cant people belivie in love i fell in love with a nice gental man 30 years ago i moved to another state and in the years only remembered him as the man next door who sang to me and looked at me with gental eyes we never even kissed as i was married and he was a christian man later when i came back i found him in a home we got to know each other again we fell in love and against the nuresing home and all others we got married his nices took me to court they stood with adult protection now adult protection have guardinshipe of my husband they are looking for a reason to annule are marrage the director of nuresing wll not even allow me to kiss him once his hand was hurting him and i was rubbing his hand she told me to leave him alone i have no way of getting help as i can not aford a lawyer and legal aid has refused to help me i cry a lot and feel this country is not a free country anymore i know that no one can help me it hurts so much

I thank God for my sibling moving back home, now I don't have to care for her alone. I have been having a two week break from daily care of her, life is almost back to normal. I am getting less done, this is the first time I have had time to myself and I don't feel like doing a damn thing!

I have a ex-jerk named Billy who is incapable of living without being with his so called "best friend" jenni who I totally despite and hate. This girl does major drugs her boyfriend can't stay in one county because he gets into all this trouble and she is headed up the same road as him. My ex was the sweetest guy ever we had the best relationship in the world for 2 years up until she came along. She has totally changed him into a completely diffrent person she has him smoking pot all the time and he's mean and hateful all the time. I told him the other day that I didn't want to have anything else to do with him because he has changed into someone I don't even know anymore he's not the person I fell in love with or anything. When I told him all this he hung up on me and Jenni called me back talking all this crap to me and telling me a whole bunch of B.S and I hung up on her. Then when I called him back to tell him that I wanted to talk to him so we could at least have some sort of friendship she answered the phone and when I asked for Billy she said hang on and when she put the phone down she said does anyone want to talk to the bitch Shannon and then billy got on the phone and asked me what i wanted and I told him that when ever he got a chance to be alone I would appreciate it if he would call me so we could talk. Needless to say I am mostly mad because the girl has totally broken up me and my ex when we were so in love and happy before she came along. Now all I want to do is beat the crap out of her and make Billy see what she has done so maybe he will change back into the person I know and love.

same shit different day, what happened to the light at the end of the tunnel, seems to me someone put it out.

please! Really we all have "hope" I have written on this wall so often. I took care of Mommy so long until I could not. I promise you! PROMISE! All of the pain will go away when your loved one dies or you finally decide you can't do it anymore and place your loved one in a home. You'll remember all of the good times and won't spend too much time on the horror you live now. It is horror, the anger and violence and accusations, and then you have to lie to placate that person. All of that builds up on your soul and all you want is for it to end. At the time this was awful, but now I get so tickled. My Mom loved to go to the grocery store. At first I did't get it, it was compulsive. As time went on I realized I would get in so much trouble when we got home and had duplicates of stuff she had bought before. So finally we went "unshopping". As Mom filled up the shopping cart I unfilled it and put almost everything back on the shelves. By the time we checked out Mom had only those things she needed. She never noticed. Good Grief! That's so hard to imagine, but you all know it's true. I even spoke to the store manager about our unshopping and she was so eager to accommodate. Mom couldn't even write her name at that point but of course threw a fit, as we were all conspiring against her. After I spoke with the store mgr. they took her checks no matter what she signed as long as the amount was right. She would sign her maiden name and give the date as 1943 or whatever. You see, I found a way to cope, so will you. For those of you who suffer the bad bad stuff like incontinece...you deserve special kudos. Just remember, it will be all right. It will be all right. You are so consumed with the day to day realities, but trust me, It WILL BE ALRIGHT. HANG IN THERE. SO MUCH LOVE FOR YOU ALL, TPSK

Im just tried of trying to please everyone,I feel like I;m a puppet on a string. I love people but My Lord they can really make you upset at times. I lost my cool on the job tonight with one of the employees,now I feel really,really bad. I am going to apologize when I have the release in my spirit to do so. I don't want to be this way. So I'm asking God to help me with my anger problem.

WHERES THE SHARING? ID THAT WHERE THE FEE COMES IN????????????I HAVE LOTS OF PAPER,CAUTION WITH EARS,BUT MY MIND IS THE BEST REAAAD OUT,WHY DO YOU DO THIS.ITS FUSTRUTING,WITH SUCH ANS AS OK YOU GOT IT .YOUR GOING TO HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT

WHEN I WAS A CHILD I WAS ANGER ,,THEN WHEN i SLEPT IN THE SAME BEDROOM WITH MY MY MOM FROM AGE 13 TILL 22,I KHEW MY GGRANDMOTHER WAS THE WORST THING THAT COULD ENTER MY LIFE BECAUSE MY MOM LEFT FREE RENT AND HER 30YR SISTER STILL IN A CRIB BECAUSE NANNA ,HAAAATED ME,AND MY MON SAW IT,WHEN i WNT TO THE FUNERAL A FEW YRS LATER I CRIED BECAUSE I SSTILL HATED HER AND ALWAYS WILL.50 YEARS OLD I AM AND HAAAAAATE HER NOW AND FOREVER.............BUT HAVE BEEN TOLD I SEE THE GOOD IN EVERYONE,THATS TRUE ,BUT i STILL HAT MY GRANMOTHER?????????????IS THAT OK

I IGNORE PEOPLE TO STOP MY ANGER ,I HAVE ERASED 4 SENTENCES,THERES GOOD IN EVERYBODY,EVEN THOUGH MOST PEOPLE WOULD CALL ME THE BITCH FROM HELL,BUT LOOK AT ME AND SAY YOU CARE BUT HAVE TO BE RIGHT....THE FATHER THE MOTHER THE AUNT THE UNCLE ALL WRONG THE GRANDMOTHER IS THE ONNLY THING i EVER HATED AND STILL DO ,,SHE IF LIFE AFTER DEATH WILL HAVE TO DDDTAKE A TRIP UP FROMK HELL TO ASK MY FORGIVENESS AND I IN HEAVEN WILL NOT GIVE HER A GLASS OF WATER.SHE MUST HAVE SUFFERED.DO YOU THINK i COULD GO TO THAT GUY WHO DOES THE SHOW AND TELL HIM HOW MUCH i LOVED MY GRANDMOTHER AND COULD HE HELP?IF HE SAYS SHE SAID YOU HAATE HER ,HIS IN,BUT OTHERWISE,I WILL GO ALONG WITH THE RESST OF YA,BUT MY NEPHEW HAS DIABETIC AND IS A DRUG AND ALCHCOL ABUSERS,HE IS 33 AND WILL DIE IS THERE ANYTHING SOMEONE CAN SAY THAT WILL MEK HIM WHAT TO LIVE????

I IGNORE PEOPLE TO STOP MY ANGER ,I HAVE ERASED 4 SENTENCES,THERES GOOD IN EVERYBODY,EVEN THOUGH MOST PEOPLE WOULD CALL ME THE BITCH FROM HELL,BUT LOOK AT ME AND SAY YOU CARE BUT HAVE TO BE RIGHT....THE FATHER THE MOTHER THE AUNT THE UNCLE ALL WRONG THE GRANDMOTHER IS THE ONNLY THING i EVER HATED AND STILL DO ,,SHE IF LIFE AFTER DEATH WILL HAVE TO DDDTAKE A TRIP UP FROMK HELL TO ASK MY FORGIVENESS AND I IN HEAVEN WILL NOT GIVE HER A GLASS OF WATER.SHE MUST HAVE SUFFERED.DO YOU THINK i COULD GO TO THAT GUY WHO DOES THE SHOW AND TELL HIM HOW MUCH i LOVED MY GRANDMOTHER AND COULD HE HELP?IF HE SAYS SHE SAID YOU HAATE HER ,HIS IN,BUT OTHERWISE,I WILL GO ALONG WITH THE RESST OF YA,BUT MY NEPHEW HAS DIABETIC AND IS A DRUG AND ALCHCOL ABUSERS,HE IS 33 AND WILL DIE IS THERE ANYTHING SOMEONE CAN SAY THAT WILL MEK HIM WHAT TO LIVE????

I IGNORE PEOPLE TO STOP MY ANGER ,I HAVE ERASED 4 SENTENCES,THERES GOOD IN EVERYBODY,EVEN THOUGH MOST PEOPLE WOULD CALL ME THE BITCH FROM HELL,BUT LOOK AT ME AND SAY YOU CARE BUT HAVE TO BE RIGHT....THE FATHER THE MOTHER THE AUNT THE UNCLE ALL WRONG THE GRANDMOTHER IS THE ONNLY THING i EVER HATED AND STILL DO ,,SHE IF LIFE AFTER DEATH WILL HAVE TO DDDTAKE A TRIP UP FROMK HELL TO ASK MY FORGIVENESS AND I IN HEAVEN WILL NOT GIVE HER A GLASS OF WATER.SHE MUST HAVE SUFFERED.DO YOU THINK i COULD GO TO THAT GUY WHO DOES THE SHOW AND TELL HIM HOW MUCH i LOVED MY GRANDMOTHER AND COULD HE HELP?IF HE SAYS SHE SAID YOU HAATE HER ,HIS IN,BUT OTHERWISE,I WILL GO ALONG WITH THE RESST OF YA,BUT MY NEPHEW HAS DIABETIC AND IS A DRUG AND ALCHCOL ABUSERS,HE IS 33 AND WILL DIE IS THERE ANYTHING SOMEONE CAN SAY THAT WILL MEK HIM WHAT TO LIVE????

Bless you all and sleep well tonight.

This disease is not fair. It's not right and I'm rock hard mad about it. If it's a protien why can't they block it, cure it or obliterate it. Why were some made vulnerable to it. Why! Why! Why! The answer my friend is not blowing in the wind.

FUCK ALZHEIMER'S! What more is there to say?

My husband had brain surgery 12 years ago. My best friend was zapped away in minutes and replaced with someone I did not know, or even like. He came back after his recovery a totally different person. Angry and mean and verbally abusive. In May I lost my mom to Alzheimers disease. I live in Arizona..she lived in NYC. I went back to NY to visit her last summer and saw she was sick. I put my parents house up for sale and brought them back here with me. She always wanted to be here with me. But we waited too long. When I got her here she was already too sick to enjoy it. She went down hill so rapidly. Within 10 months, she died. I am so angry and so bitter. I try not to be angry all the time, but I am. I lost two of the most important people in my life and I just feel "empty". The emtiness finally turned to angry and I can't handle it anymore. I hate people who say they understand. NO THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND. Unless you've been here where I stand...NO..you don't know what I'm feeling. I just want someone who cares enough to really listen to what I'm saying, and to hear what I'm no saying..that I'm scared of the way this feels inside. But I don't have the option of falling apart. I still have my dad to take care of...my kids and my husband. But tell me..who do I have to take care of me??? : (

Cancer stole my STRETCH coach, Mrs. Basaman. By the time she finally passed, she hadn't eaten for weeks, and she was bone thin. No one deserves such a horrible death as cancer, especially Mrs. Basaman. She was the nicest, most accepting person I have ever known. She was always smiling, and often, that soft smile was accompanied with a light laugh. She never yelled at anyone, nor did she criticize a single person. Hundreds of people attended her funeral; she was loved. She should have lived longer; long enough for me to return to this school when I graduate, and thank her. But now, I will only be able to hope my thank-you's get to her when I say them at night. The vicious disease stole this sweet woman, and stole her future. Her mother, her husband, her two sons and one daughter, and her sister still survive. I loved this woman, and now she is gone. This is unfairness at its worst.

Okay, all the sole caregiver's out there this is for you too. I have had it with outsiders who can not wait to give me their opinions, and we all know the old saying about opinions. I have been caring for my mom by myself for two years now, have they offered to give me a break even just for a couple of hours, no. Do they take care of her daily needs or financial matters, no again. Do they have to deal with her behavioral problems (and god knows the ad victim can not help it) day in and day out, no. Do they stand back helplessly and watch their mother slip away bit by bit, once again no. As a matter of fact do they do anything to help in the care and well being of this person, Of Course Not. But they have the nerve to give their unsolicited advice and opinions on the job we do. Well to all the outsiders out there, caregivers give so much of themselves from the heart, Certainly not for the money or the recognition we recive which is next to nothing. So next time you decide to open your big mouth walk a mile in our shoes why don't you. I know why you don't because it is hard, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do that's why. If you cannot offer assistance to us or a kind word then keep you opinions to yourselves and before you speak remember that old saying "opinions are like a&*holes everyone has one". For all my fellow caregivers my prayers for patience, strenght and understanding are with you, I know how hard it is and if no one has told you lately God Bless You for being the courageous, selfless people you are.

Well I've been sitting here reading and reading!! My Grandma Salley is in her last stage of Alzheimer's. I feel angry, mad, sad, and confused. She had such a beautiful voice, and that laugh....I always could tell where she was. I moved in her house to take care of her for a year. Boy was that the hardest. Plus I was pregnant. Many nights she would run thru the house turning on all the lights thinking that someone was coming to get her. Or both of us crying when she starting losing control of her bowels. But I would tell her you didn't cry when you changed my diapers. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this diease that she has. We had to move her into a nursing home. But I still live in her house with my husband and two boys. I feel her around me all the time. When I go and see her I always put her wig on and fix it up just the way she likes it. I also put her make-up on. She is still a beautiful woman. The one thing that made me feel like I could do something was to do a "Memory Walk" for the Alzhemier's Association. I wore the t-shirt that they gave me,and bought a sticker with my Grandma's name on it. In Honor Of..... it said. If anything I do it for her. Because I love her. And now I pray that GOD will take her HOME.......and I know she will forever have her memory there.

God, Where is my mom going? He mate of 53 years died only 4 months ago and now she is a downward spiral. We are going to the doctor. She just spirals down. We can't blame it all on dad's death. She is losing her short-term memory rapidly. If she only had a daughter instead of two sons. I am trying the best that I can. I'm trying to patient when she asks me the same question 20 times in the course of a conversation. She told me that she got lost in the neighborhood she has lived in for the past 40 years. And it was just crossing the alley. Am I a schmuck to put her in a retirement community? What ever happened to the golden age of being a senior citizen? Where do I turn? Sam in Wyoming

This disease makes me sick- I don't know if I can watch this much longer. I am so angry that I am so powerless to stop this. She is slowly disappearing and doesn't even realize it. I am so tired, have been doing this for over 3 years, she is more and more helpless. How can I work? My boss is understanding, but I can't keep taking time off, I will be fired. Then what will become of my family? I am the sole breadwinner. This is the worst disease, there is no treatment, just this horrible decline, and wreaking havoc on the lives of the caregivers, or I should say the one caregiver, since my family has all but abandoned us. I haven't had a vacation, a night out, not even a date for years. My life is totally gone, just a series of endless meaningless days of work, meals, picking up messes, md appts, dental appts, meds, and hearing the same things repeated in fragmented sentences over and over again. I can't stand to see her like this when I know what she is truly like inside. I keep saying it is still her, but she is like a completely different woman. My beautiful witty clever Mother is long gone.



I miss my mom! Where is that cool, calm hand? Why can't I just be her daughter and friend??? I was just getting used to it. Alcoholism took her from me until about 15 years ago, and poof - just when things were getting good, the crap AD bastard comes and takes her from me. You suck, AD.

One last time I come here, to this Wall that has pretty much been the only constant throughout the last years of my mother's life. She died in April, after we cared for her here at home for four and a half years. For I don't know how long, she didn't even know us, and we thought we were ready for her to die. She wasn't my Mother anymore. I don't know who she was.I don't know how to grieve for her. I suppose it's because we had to choke back so much while she was alive, but dying bit by bit. So many things made me want to wail and cry, just sob like a child, but I couldn't do anything because I didn't want her to see it. Has that become a habit now? Have I lost the ability to cry, to grieve, will I just choke down emotions forever?What do I do with this, where do I go for help? The hospice that served her for the last three months offered grief counselling, but I'm sure it's a piece of shit, like most of what they offered, with the exception of really cheap drugs--what irony there???For at least ten years my sister and I both shelled out of pocket to help defray the hundreds of dollars of monthly drug bills, then, when it becomes clear that death is imminent, almost-free-drugs.Best thing about hospice, other than the home health aides.So I have a hole where I should have grief, and I'm afraid it will swallow me. Was it enough to feel my heart break when she couldn't enjoy music anymore? When she didn't know who we were? When she told us she didn't like this house, the house we bought so we could move her in and care for her? When she asked my name, and told me what a pretty name it was, and that she had a daughter with that name? When we sat and waited for her to let go of her last breath, still unable to cry? What do I do with this??

WELL NOW I AM MAD

i can spit where i want to spit Spit it out and get rid of it:

yOu cAnT eVEn cLoSe yoUR eYes wiTHoUt fEeLInG tHe pAiN aROunD yOu

Anger is what we think is calling someone a name, when they have hurt us. Anger is what people use to get rid of there emoticons, anger is why my parents split up. It will never stop chasing you!!!

It is all so unfair. I almost believe that I am the one loosing my mind. Why God why? It doesn't make sense. God please assure me that it will all make sense someday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hello out there, I know you are so mad you'd like to spit, I sure was. You know, it goes away the moment you lose your loved one or you finally realize you can't do it anymore and you place your loved one in an alzhemers facility. I'm writing to give you hope. There is no hope for the alzheimers victim but there is hope for you, you just don't know it yet. I took care of my Mom and survived all of the pain and accusations, violence and hurt. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I walked out the door and threw compassion out the window. I always came back of course. Mom is still living, yet living, if that's what you want to call it, in a locked unit, cuz I just couldn't do it anymore. I go and see her all the time and we laugh (at nothing) and she has no clue who I am, but it is o.k. now. Be strong and of good cheer, you have resources like this. I wrote on this wall so many times. Sometimes I just wrote GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I love you all and you'll see, it will be all right one day.

WOW, God bless you all! I was mad about a madman chasing me down in a parking lot for my life until I saw what others are carying and now I feel my load is lighter! Thank God beign human is what lif is all about or He would put a stop to all this madness. Let those who write and those who silently carry their burdens be released!

We don't know yet. CAT scan tomorrow. God, I love my Mom so much, please don't let this happen to her, please say it's the medication she's been taken that makes her forget - got her to a new doctor, he's taking her off of everything - starting over, more tests. Please God, I'd trade places with her in a minute. Don't do this to her, she was your faithful servant. Cyring, crying, I'm so scared. I can't loose my faith, not now - it's like the poem 'Footprints' - please carry me now. Bless all you caregivers, I know your angry, frustrated, sad - stay strong! Please remember something, when you feel alone - remember someone (me) is out there, praying for you (please whisper one for me too!)

I am sick and tired of my mom's meddling !!!!!!!!!!!!

I just can't do it. I am so tired. Why can't I just give up..

my husband is sour to the bones,he has such a cold black soul i hate his guttttssss and then some .living with him for 10 years has destroyed me he has never been a playful,pertective father to my daughters whom hes been with since toddlers now teenagers,he refuses to protect us when we are in a dangerous situation,he doesnt lock doors at night to protect us he always takes it out on us when he is paged into work or works over,my older daughter has a baby i showed his ex boss a picture so he said technically the babys not his blood. he is a mix baby and has no other grandparents. hes as low as they come i hope he rots in hell for treating my blood the way he has!!!!!!!!!!!!!he is no winning prize for anyone his financial support is not worth all the hell, there is much more to this story but >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>trying to make me choose my kids or him, it will be my kids he can take a hike.

For years my close friends were telling me to "lighten up" and "turn off the laser beam", which I would have if I could have understood what they really meant, but of course I couldn't because I was only trying to be mySELF and what they said only put me more on (MORON??) the defensive... in retrospect an unhealthy place to be for very long. It has taken me nearly seven years since the untimely death of my wife to a chronic illness for me to put some of the puzzle pieces together, and God willing, writing them here will actually be more helpful than hurtful to someone. I agree now with the sages who teach us that everything is illusion and that self is also illusion. Each of us lives in a fantasy world largely of our own construction, from sensory experience and interactions with others, but illusion just the same. Honest experience and good intentions dwell side by side there with denial, deceit, and conceit. We DO create OUR own "REALITY", which exists in us and is where we function all of our lives, but it is a place where no-one else can really be, totally. When we die, so does OUR REALITY. In our minds we idealize and simplify models and fantasies of the World, Other People, and Ourselves, but our models and fantasies are never 100% accurate; they're dream-like. They are in some cases fairly good, allowing us to interact with some success with other beings and the World that IS, but in other cases our models are badly inadequte and so are we: more learning is necessary. Our fantasies can deal out health and life or sickness and death, but are not necessarily connected to the reality that IS. Small wonder then that our expectations are so often unfulfilled, that reality seems disappointing and painful. By her dying my wife showed me the truth; my expectations for her, myself, and other people went unfulfilled. Expectations are a form of self deception, and how often do we make other people miserable when ours aren't met? By accepting these things instead of fighting them I can move on in life to another day, perhaps to become a happier, lighter person and become less intense, controlling, and yes I'll say it, unhappy. Living, growing, maturing, suffering, and eventually dying are natural processes we all participate in, you, me, even Jesus, just open your eyes and be willing to see, watch and learn. All that changes are the when, where, and how. But it seems the mind is the last to want to know, at least where I come from. I received this gift from her suffering and dying, and I took this long to open it. Except for having loved her, I probably wouldn't have gotten the message at all.

I am so fucking fed up with my siblings. i have so little respect or love for them, living the easy life of denial. They resent hearing the truth about what s going on, the struggle they refuse to help with. All the twisted excuses are an added burden, it s easier without them.. I have to stay away from them and their phony bullshit.

TO ALL OUR SIBLINGS AND INLAWS WHO GIVE NO ASSISTANCE OR SUppORT. CAN WE BE HONEST ABOUT IT FOR ONCE,. pLEASE STO THE CHARADE, IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO HELp OR CARE FOR THE pARENT WHO RAISED YOU, YOU WOULD FIND A WAY TO DO THAT. GET OVER YOURSELF,YOUR TIME IS NO MORE pRECIOUS THAN THE SIBLING WHO DOES HELp OUT. YOUR SELF INTEREST IS STRONGER THAN YOUR SENSE OF OBLIGATION OR LOVE WILL EVER BE.

MY BROTHER CLAIMS I LIED ABOUT MY MOM S HEALTH ROBLEMS !! WELL LETS SEE, SHE HAD JUST BE IN AN ACCIDENT WITH A TRUCK AND WAS HEMMORAGING AND THEY COULDN T FIND WHERE THE BLLOD WAS COMING FROM., THREE DIFFERT DOCS TOLD ME THREE DIFFERENT THINGS, YOU ALL KNOW HOW THAT IS...THIS ASSHOLE WHO NEVER SpOKE WITH A DOCOTOR ONCE ABOUT MOM!!! I KNOW THIS IS HOW HE EXCUSES HIMSELF FROM HELp ING OUT AT ALL, HE WANTS EASY ANSWERS THAT LET HIM OFF THE HOOK. I BEGGED FOR HELp, CRYING AND HE SAYS HE DOESNT LIKE THE TONE OF MY VOICE HANGS U p... LATER TELLS ME HE WAS TOO BUSY TO MAKE ONE pHONE CALL. TO HELp .... I HAD BEEN CHANGING DIApERS AND TRYING TO FIND A CAREGIVER AND EXHAUSTING MYSELF AND THIS FUCK HEAD DOESN T REMEMBER ANY OF IT. I DOUBT I CAN FORGIVE HIM THIS. WANTING TO BELIEVE I M MAKING U SHIT CAN RELEIVE HIM OF HIS GUILT. I TOLD THE GUYS I DON T HAVE THE TIME. I AM WORKING VERY LONG HOURS AT A NEW JOB AND I CAN T HANDLE IT ANYMORE.. THEY HAVE TRIED TO SUCK ME BACK IN, BUT I VE GONE THREE WEEKS WITHOUT JUMpING WHEN THEY ASK ME AND IT IS WONDERFUL TO FEEL A LITTLE FREE AGAIN. I WORRY ABOUT HER BUT THE REAL TEST COMES IN A MONTH OR SO, WHEN SHE NEEDS pERSCRITIONS AND THEY THREATEN TO CUT HER MEDICARE COVERAGE AGAIN. I CAN T KEE p GOING FROM CRISES TO CRISES LIKE THIS. I AM ALWAYS EXECTED TO TALK TO THE DOCTORS AND pICK U p THE pIECES, BUT WHAT I THINK ABOUT HER NEEDS, AND M Y OWN..ARE COMLETELY DISMISSED AND DISREGARDED. I WILL NO LONGER BE THE ONE TO CALL. I AM BLOWING THINGS OFF, JUST AS THEY ALWAYS DO.... AND GOSH THEY ARE RIGHT, LIVING IN DENIAL IS EASIER . I HAD TO GET MY MOM WALKING AGAIN AFTER THE ACCIDENT AND I DID AND I M pROUD. IF MY FAMILY HAD SUppORTED ME ONE BIT DURING THOSE FIVE MONTHS, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO GO ON. BUT I CAN T. WON T. BEING AN ONLY DAUGHTER SUCKS.

i am so mad at the little heathen Ayanna. She has made my family turn agianst me. she has made my life horrid. i wish that her and her mom and dad would just go away so that i would never ever have to see or socialize with them EVER agian. I am also mad at my parents becasuse they always expect me to do the right thing because I'm supposed to "know better" than the little brat Ayanna yet, the never expect Ayanna to know better and I always get in trouble for defending myself agianst the brat or fighting back and my "parents" say that i should just ignore her yet they do not have to deal with her EVRY day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY! Only two days til my break! My sibling is flying in to give me a break, bless his heart! HappyHappyJoyJoy

Maybe you should quit judging the girl that wrote that post and even admire the fact that she cared. She said she didn't know why. She just wanted to express that it hurt......

Praying doesn't help, and I don't feel like thanking god for my blessings while my loved one suffers with this illness.

Amen. I dread the day when I will have to face that decision. But I know that I cannot give her the constant care she will need eventually. I miss her so, I want my real mother back. I am caring for a ghost that disappears a little bit more each day.

To the 16 yr old who works at the nh. before you make a judgment, you dont know ALL the facts for the lady you cared for was moved. the family along w/the nh made that decision perhaps because her MINOR dementia may have been getting worse. or perhaps it was financial. maybe the family privately paid for that private room and now the money's gone and she's on mediciaid. if so, medicaid only pays for medically necessary private rooms. once again YOU DONT know the facts. do you realize HOW DIFFICULT the decision is to place someone you love in a nh?? HOW LONG you fight it. you want the best and you dont that person you love so much to vanish before you're eyes.but that's what happens. ARE YOU a nurse or doctor?? no?? then YOU DONT KNOW. so until you do, DONT JUDGE!!!!! it's great that you care for this lady and understandable that you're angry but you do not have the right to judge the family. want to put your feelings to good use?? then continue to see her if you can even though you're not her regular cna, continue to be her friend even if she cant recognize you. what angers me are people who judge without knowing the facts. it's easy for you to judge, you arent the one making the decisions, are you??

my mom and alzehimers. she started losing things long ago. it has just got worse.dad is with her allthe time.. he needs to get away. sometimes i wish she was dead.. that way he could get on with his life, am i being selfish? i dont thinks so., she doesnt know much now. but sometimes she does. dont know what to do with her. feel bad cause i havent been more of a daughter to her. wish i was closer. wish i had mom back. this isnt her. it is so hard. dont want her to die.just be mom again.

my mom and alzehimers. she started losing things long ago. it has just got worse.dad is with her allthe time.. he needs to get away. sometimes i wish she was dead.. that way he could get on with his life, am i being selfish? i dont thinks so., she doesnt know much now. but sometimes she does. dont know what to do with her. feel bad cause i havent been more of a daughter to her. wish i was closer. wish i had mom back. this isnt her. it is so hard. dont want her to die.just be mom again.

Why do people who know that you are bi-poler and know the buttons to push go and push them anyway do they not understand that you are trying so hard to keep your life together. You see I am a divorced single mother of two and the man I thought I could trust even after the divorce is now trying to take everything I have to work at staying better for. He is trying to take my home even thougth I am the one that has paid for everything and my sons who give me reasons to get up and go through another hard day of dealing with something I can not afford to get the meds. to help me with. I have alway been told that every dog had his day but at this rate I am not sure That I well be here to see this dog getting his. I am glad that there is a place like this for those of us who need as place to go and just try to vent. You see I have a long fameily history of Bi-poler and for those DR. that say it is not genetic well here is the best case study you can find to prove that is it. My mother has it, me, my three sister and my brother. It came form my grandfather on my mothers side go figer. It too the Dr 34 year to tell me why I did some of the crazy thing I do. And then there is the meds. those wonderful med that are soppose to make you better ok I will give them that they do but only if you can afford them. The state will not help because between my Job that pay 30k and 600 per month childsupport I make to much money funny. The Med I need are almost 6oo per month and that is if they stay at one level and we all know if you are bi-poler that they change that all the time trying to keep the right mix. I understand that this is not exact but dang. I do not wish this on anyone and I feel that those that have to suffer with this should not also get robbed in the process. It is funny you can get the same meds. outside of the USA for much cheeper but only if you go there or have connetions and guess what I have neather. So here I am unmedacated with something that I just can not afford to have but having to deal with it anyway. I would love to hear form other like me who know they are bi-poler and can not afford the meds and maybe we together could come up with something to help us all. If nothing we can all try to help support each other in the hard time because only we know how it feel to be on of the suffer of this. I can be reach at eyecandy5264@yahoo if you would like to respond and if you do not and I have help even just a bit them it was well worth my spilling just a little of my story with you. And those of you who have this know that this is just a very small part of what we have to deal with. thanks for reading my part of this wall

aug-20-02 i was the one who wrote about picking up the pieces and going home so very long ago. my life has been more or less restored to me now. my mil is still in a nh, slowly wasting away...but we have reached a plateau for the first time in a year. all is calm, i have my life back. i am now at the stage of grieving for the things i had no time to before. my pieces come to me in night mares. i tried so hard to grieve as i ran each day fielding the fast balls, life was hurling at me. it all became calm seas, like glass overnite, as sudden as the violent storms came in, they disappeared. i don't bother holding my breath, i just try to enjoy this gift of calm. we survived it. it is'nt over yet. more will come, i don't dwell on that thot. trying to live life in this present moment. someone here asked the question..how will we pick up the pieces? i do not know. i sit in the quiet...and breathe. shock? how did i survive it? to read my last words here today was a shock. i am flooded with the memories of it all. i really did my best with what i had to work with. learned so much. grew stronger in spite of it all. know things now i wish i had known back in the beg. i am slowly coming back to life. i can go in my garden and revel in the time i spend there now. i guard my alone time as if it was precious jewels, and treasures. i am at a loss now. i am alone, in the picking up of pieces. i am here now. it comes one at a time. it comes from sorting thru it all now. it is a great letting go. i know me better then i did before. i think i came out of it better. i know suffering is a part of life. yes i want to get on with my life, but i have to figure out what kind of life to get on with. i just hang onto this present moment for dear life. i've tried so many online groups all different for their support they offer. i have always marched to my own drum. so now i am more like a ghost in the groups, i wander in and out. overwhelmned with the knowledge of how much pain and anguish people have to face every day. i have been given a temporary reprieve from it all. i guess it is a process to pick up the pieces. but i have options and choices now i did'nt know i had before. i can choose what pieces i want to keep and which i toss in the trash. and i'm tossing out alot. alot of never again's i'm choosing. alot of what i want and need now, i'm choosing. "the fall, was a fall from innocense to knowledge", margaret atwood. i see people come and go online. i see there are so many predators online who prey on the feelings of others. who get a kick of abusing others and running for cover. i also see so many courageous people like the mystical phoneix who daily rise out of their own ashes of despair and find humor and healing against all odds. it is true all of life is a practice and it is a learn as we go. there is no perfect. there only is. after such great fallout...i sit in the silence and revel in the great solitude that enfolds me. i think and question and ponder. but i have always done this anyway. i am grateful to all the good people out in cyberspace i have met along the way on this journey. you have helped me and not hurt me. i treasure u. u have no idea of what a profound difference you have made in my own life. i will never, ever forget you. lost

I fucking hate so called "friends" that try to help you through a realtionship then steal the guy away from you!!!!! Stupid fucks. One certain whore named Alli and one certain asshole named Art. I'm sick of trying to do things the right way and be nice and tough about it, but sometimes I just want to fucking kill both of them!!!!! Fuck you and all the god-damned anger, upset, confusion, distrust and all those other fucking wonderful things you caused. FUCK YOU!!!!! I hope you both get sick of all your lovey-dovey shit you show off. Hope the bitch was worth it, Art. You shouldn't have told me you loved me if you didn't!!!!!!!!! Thanks a fucking lot.

I am so angery at my sister. she is 20 years old and i try to do evrything I can to make her happy like tomorrow i am going to the fair I do not like scarry rides and she has no friends so she asked me to invite one of mine I did not want to but I did anyways for her because she wants to ride to scarry rides and scince I am on the computer rite now she was calling me names like fuking ho and stuff like that I am so sick of her critisisem and stuff she is 20 years old and very immiture she is imbarising and lazy I always have to finish her work because she can't do anything right. I am 16 and she thinks that she is in control of my life and all my life she has been very mean to me when i was a baby she would bange my head against the floor and beat me up when my parents left I had to see a counsolour in the 7th grade but she was 18 so she did not have to everything has to be her way or the highway I wish she would move out and stay out forever but why would she do that mommy and daddy do everything for her even give her the whole upstares not her old bedroom she needs a job and needs to stay at church and listen she needs friends so she won't mess up my partys any more because she stocked me and my friends on my 16 birthday party and would not leave us be and then the next day she yelled and cussed at me infront of my friends that was veary imbarassing. I can't take this anymore I CAN'T

My disability is real

I came here angry. I take care of my Grandmother. She made a mess of things before I got to her. Now I am fighting for her estate and her safety, as well as taking care of her by myself. Perfect set up for anger and frustration!!! But I know that there is growth here. I know that if I can let go of myself and be a servant i will get blessed. i know it. But it is so very hard when i am a person who likes control. Alzeheimers is out of control. Where is the line of disease and personality? The Alzeheimer's hotline says to forgive them 100% of the time. That is so very hard. So very hard. Yet I know I get forgiven. Help me now Lord. Help us all. THis is a hard and tiring position. Depression, anger, frustration turns us all into who we never thought we were or would ever be. Yet here we are! I hate it. Yet as I said I know there is something here. So I will trust you Lord. I will trust and not be afraid. Thanks for listening.

I HATE GUYS! THEY ALL DESERVE TO DIE! why do they make us ride the emotional rollercoaster and then dump us and break our hearts and then expect us to live after wards? IF YOU TELL A GIRL YOU LOVE HER YOU BETTER MEAN IT OR ELSE SHE MIGHT DO SOMETHING STUPID LIKE BELIEVE IT !!!!!!!!! AHHHHH! AWKUYDFVASUKODAFI8WETB7RVAS89 DUYFYASNYD BIIY7 i hate them all.

I just realized that everyone has problems and there is no need to curse your life for problems we humans cannot control. We may going through the toughest situation in our lives but have stop to think about that your live is worth so much. You should learn to apreciate the fact that God has given a chance to redeem yourself and improve what is at your reach. My advice to all you who believe that there is no meaning to your life is to believe in God. Ask him to help you tell him how you feel and tell him how much you need him. Because he does understand and loves you very much. I just want to give you a life of spirits so you have to write how miserable you are and instead write how lucky you are.

F.U. Von-Essen I Hope your novel tanks!



y mother had 5 children and we all suffer from Bi-poler 1 or 2. I myself have 1 and am scared to death. You see I am a single mother of two children trying to make it in the world of a Bi-poler person. It is so hard and because the state said I make to much money they can not help me. You tell me how am I to make it on 30k in CT. and afford to pay for the meds. I need and keep a roof and food in my sons. What is a person to do. I am now faced with the facts that I mayself have passed this on to my 7 year old son and again how am I to pay for the meds for both of us and keep a roof over our heads and food. I know that this is just a sounding bord but I am at my wits end. I find it very funny that the same meds. here in the USA caust so much less if you go to say India or Mexico but I am not able to go to eather of those places to get the much needed med that me and my son need. I know that this is my problem but those of you who know what bi-poler 1 is you also know that I can become a danger not only to myself but outhers with out even me knowing it. I have been told that I have said and done some things that I just do not remember saying and doing so I know that I am in deep trouble but I have no place to turn. If you could find it in your hearts to give me some guidence so that I can contenue to work in your world and also get the meds. that I and my son need with out having to live in a box under a bridge someplave I would be so ever gratefull you can email me information at eyecandy5264@yahoo.com. Please this is a cry for help. I am not asking for money just some guidence as to where I can turn.

im soo pissed at my so called "friends" who are always taking my sisters side in every conflict that me and her have. me and my sister get into conflicts and she goes and tells her best friend about them i understand that, but when her best friend starts getting involed and pissing me off the only thing i can even think of doing is not to be their friend anymore. they accuse me of doing everything wrong when they dont even here my side of the story and im soo pissed. im trying to change cuz i know im hard to get along with but its hard to when people like them treat me the way they do. it hurts cuz i thought they were my best friends but i cant take it anymore so ive decided not to be friends with them, and i hope they rot in hell i cant stand their god damned attitudes they fuckin suck dick i hate their asses!!!

HELP! Someone has kidnapped my brilliant, talented, beautiful mother, and replaced her with this bumbling, incoherent person with atrocious table manners, and who disrobes at inappropriate times. How can I get my Mom back? I miss her, I don't see any traces of her left in this person.

I just got back from Cali. I was visiting my dad and step mom. I was ready to come home after 4 days. All they do is fight.My step mom told me that I was the reason that they did and that I ruint everyones life by comeing down there to visit. My dad told me that he wished that I never came down there. I told them that I won't come back at least till I'm 18 so I can leave when I want. Then my step mom got mad at me because I wouldn't call her mom. I got so upset and had some many panic attacks. Now my brothers are up here visiting and they are driving me up the wall. I love them but robert the youngest got a knife and came at me with it I was so scared. My mom just found out the that she is 6 weeks Pregnant and the father is cheating on her.

She spends all of her time laying in bed and waiting for her next meal. I have aged a hundred years in the last 4 years caring for her. My brother will be taking over in a short while, I told him I can no longer do this. Thank god he understands and agreed to take over. He says he is