Today was a strange one for myself. My husband suggested that we go to the matinee, so we did. While driving to the movie, I called mom to see how dad was as of 1:00 today. She said a lot of "ugh huh" and "no", because he was listening. He gets rather suspicious, but I asked her if he seemed to remember anything about last night and she said, "no." I spoke to my dad a little bit and asked him if he was having a good day...he said "yes." I asked him if they watched Dr. Stanley this morning and he told me that he tried but that "they" (do not know who he is referring to), had moved everything around in that room (the living room) and that the t.v. would only get 2 channels and he couldn't find it. I told him that I would check into it. I asked him if he had a good evening last night, and he said, "You'll never guess where I stayed last night". I said, "Where"? He said, "It's a secret". Point being...he remembers something about last night but doesn't seem to remember that we were there for a while.

I absolutely hate making decisions, especially right now. After the movie, hubby wanted to know where I wanted to go and eat. I asked him to give me 2 choices, etc. We bantered back and forth and then something I had felt brewing...came forth and out. I began screaming as loud as I could, crying, and shouting random things such as, "I am mad", "You don't want me to talk about it, but I am going crazy," "You don't care about me or my parents," "You make constant insinuative comments about what a horrible wife I am and how I am neglecting you," "I am sick and tired of this crap"....and maybe some other things. Point being...I was really ugly to my husband but couldn't seem to quit crying or yelling for a bit. I tried to call a friend of mine who is about to graduate with her LCC (she and I went to college together a few years ago), but she wasn't home. I finally calmed down, but feel stupid and like a failure for breaking down like I did.

Another crazy part of this is that I have my B.A. in Psychology and am about 1/4 into getting my M.S. in Family Studies online. I should know how to handle this stuff, but it's just too personal.

My plan for this week is to talk to my dad's doctor about referring him to a geriatric neurologist. I hope to get my mom out of the house this week while Connie is there and take her to see the new movie about Julia Child's. I also hope to get mom to go with me to the grief counselor. I hope to help mom take a bath. I really do not know what to do for my dad right now other than just be here for him.

Thank you for pointing out the part about us being able to walk with our parents to a certain point, but then we have to let go. I guess my thoughts on this are that the "letting go" part means that I have to quit believing that my actions are helping keep them here on earth. It sounds crazy...I know that I do not have that power, yet it is comforting to think this way sometimes. I so would love to walk that path all the way with them...to the very end of the road and then hug them and wave goodbye until I couldn't see them anymore.

Once again, to anyone who is reading this....thank you for letting me vent and if i need to post this subject matter somewhere else...let me know.

Blessings,

Laurie

quote:

Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:

You do have to detach from your LO emotionally so that you can best serve their needs. It's a tough row to hoe, especially when we have years-long patterns of relating that no longer apply...

QFT (quoted for truth)

quote:

I should know how to handle this stuff, but it's just too personal.

Yep. This is territory that book learnin', clinical experience and high IQs just don't help much. Knowing about stuff doesn't help make COPING with it much easier!!

You do have to detach from your LO emotionally so that you can best serve their needs. It's a tough row to hoe, especially when we have years-long patterns of relating that no longer apply...

quote:

I guess my thoughts on this are that the "letting go" part means that I have to quit believing that my actions are helping keep them here on earth. It sounds crazy...I know that I do not have that power, yet it is comforting to think this way sometimes. I so would love to walk that path all the way with them...to the very end of the road and then hug them and wave goodbye until I couldn't see them anymore.

It's funny, but our fighting for them - their care, their nutrition, their comfort, safety, quality of life, etc. - does help keep them alive. The key is to realize when to slack off a little and not PUSH them to do everything that everyone suggests that would be beneficial to their longevity or for their social acceptance by others... At some point, you must balance their wants and how they feel against their ever-lengthening list of needs. A very important skill is to remember (and honor) who they were and accept (and respect) who they are today.

You can't control aging, the relentless march of progressive disease, and that their minds are coming unwound - and neither can they. It is just the way of things.

I think of what I did for Mom as assisting & watching out for her while she was going about the business of dying. It takes time for them to let go, too.

Hang in there - sometimes, there just is no aceptable answer or solution that can make us feel better about a pretty sorry situation. No one likes to say goodbye, yet no one wants to linger around sick, debilitated and unable to participate in life. It's a sh*tty deal for all of us that we struggle to make the best of...
{{{HUGS}}}

Yep, Bev, (FTM) we need that wailing wall, but are in a quandry not to abuse the WAILING wall. AND we are already walking a fine line to stay sane.

I don't think we will ever get rid of the yellow print. I just hope that the only time people start a thread here , They are really upset. Maybe that is the plan....

Man,everything BC and TORP said is so true. We all "crack" under the pressure sometimes and it is a sad thing on all our parts that the ones that are really trying to help us are the ones that get the you know what. My hubby couldn't be sweeter and definitely shares in all the responsibilities with my mom,BUT there are times that he just says the wrong thing at the wrong time and buddy it is on. Just take a deep breath after you blow up apologize, give him a hug...and move on. It will happen again, of that you can be sure. We are always here, so if you feel it coming on and he isn't right there...take advantage of the people here... This isn't an easy job you are doing, so vent, vent, scream, cry and I can promise that someone here will be there for you.

WHEN< OH when ARE WE GETTING RID OF THIS YELLOW PRINT????????

When it is personal, it all changes. The book learning can get lost really fast.

My poor husband has suffered the full force of some major volcanic activity on my part. I do try to apologise quickly for losing control but I can be darned stubborn if I really did have a point to make and he said "awe, that's not so bad" or "Well, why don't you just...."

It is very scary to know we can lose it like that. And even if we did know it, we hoped for it to stay a deep dark secret.

How far can you walk the path with them??? many of our members have been holding their loved one in their arms when the moment came. Some of our LOs have waited until people left them alone for a minute. It is different for everyone..but you can go a long way if that works for you.

We've all done it. And we always take it out on the one person who is least responsible, but whom we subconsciously know is the one who we can trust most. My husband and I take turns being insane. It's weird. When he's a lunatic, I'm the reasonable one. And vice-versa. Don't beat yourself up about it. Apologize and try to remember that it sucks for both of you next time he's frustrated.

Good plan re the grief support group for mom! She really needs someone other than you for social opportunity, but who "gets it." Caregiving consumes our lives and it's so helpful to have friends who don't get tired of hearing about it, but with whom we can have some adult fellowship.