I have read the wall.I feel for all those people who are hurting. Here is my story. I have wanted to tell someone for years how much I'am hurting inside I was a girl of 2 years old when my mother passed away. I was just handed over to any family who would keep me,I have been abused all my life. I had one brother that my dad raised and kept with him. My dad drank alot and had to many women to worry about what was going on with me, I didn't like him when I was growing up. I had no respect, trust. or love for anyone. I was alone in this big world to take care of myself. I'am trying to make a very long story short, I'am 48 years old today, I married a man 20 years ago . we have two sons ,my husband and sons our my life. our frist year together was so happy. Then my only brother was 35 years old became ill. My husband and I were there for 13 years doing everything, because my dad was to busy with his life. I then our worst nightmare happen, I was getting sick, I lost so much weight I almost died. I found out I had ulcers, was a diebetic, and high blood presure. After 15 years I lost my only brother, and I never had a sister, I feel so lost at times. My dad is 72 years old and he's in a nursing home. I have tried 4 times to keep him with us, but he has dementia. His dementia has progressed to point that he doesn't even remember my brother, but he does me. I am there whenever my dad needs me, why? Because after all I have been through I love him, he's my dad. I have often heard that I was a kind and loving person like my mother, if not for that I probably would never been there for him. Thank god for my wonderful husband and our two sons because when I feel like everything is my fault, I think of how much I am loved now, God I thank you every day.

I hate myself i cant believe i let myself do what i have done this past week. My BEST FRIED broke up w/ his girlfriend and 2 weeks later i was making out w/ her! What kind of ass hole am i?! the thing is that she is like a best friend to me and i love her and she loves me and ive had a crush on her for soooooooo long and things just clicked. BUT I COULD HAVE STOPPED IT! instead of stopping at just kissing and hugging and showing affection the way it is supposed to be--I #(*)$@@)(# more than halfway to third base!! and i looked at my best friend in in the eye during the day and SPOKE TO HIM without feeling the slightest bit of guilt!! Tonight i went farther w/ her than i ever have before--1 hour after she said we "needed to slow down" why did i push!??!?!?! why didnt i stop!??! i didnt realize the hurt and pain i could be causeing untill now. im going to let off alot for like many months before i let us (best friends ex) get into any kind of relationship. I hate myself for doing what i did and regret tonight more than anything. i dont regret anything but tonight however--all that was pure and nothing could have helpedit--tonight was unpure-and wrong and i hate myself. i wish i could take it back. oh yea and why is my dad such a PAIN IN THE #(P*&#)(*& @ such file or directory

Well, my name is Benson Dimaculangn..I live in Florida and Im a stupid Asshole. I hid something from my girlfriend Eileen and I got busted. But I love her very much. She means the world to me and now she doesn't look at me the same any more. I will forever love her and thats the bottom line. I admit it that I fucked up and Im wrong. But if only she would believe me thats all in the past. And I'll never lie to her again. Shit Im so mad at my self. I should have just told her. Well I guess thats one of my BIG flaws. Well I gotta go to class now. I wish I could have wrote more but thats fine with me. Well gotta go c ya 'all P.S. I love you Lynn

yeah well you know what i hate i hate people who act like they know everything and then they are willing to judge you at the drop of a hat. And you know what in reality they are nothing they have idea what they are talking about and no one should ever listen to them. I ignorance is not always bliss. i t only makes you lookreally stupid

Hi hate my fuching mom as much as she hates black people!!! M.G

Once you'll go black you'll never go back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!M.G

I CARE OF NOTHING IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD!! PEOPLE...EXCUSE ME, HUMAN BEINGS ARE THE SICKEST THINGS TO EVER WALK THIS EARTH!! ALL PEOPLE!! I HATE THOSE PEOPLE THAT FEEL SORRY FOR THEMSELVES AND EXPECT SYMPATHY FROM OTHER PEOPLE, GET OFF YOUR A*S AND DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF ALREADY! I HATE PEOPLE THAT ARE CONCEITED AND THINK THEY'RE THE BEST THINGS THAT WALK THE EARTH! I HATE PEOPLE THAT JUST DON'T GET IT!! THE PEOPLE THAT JUST DON'T GET THE FACT THAT THEY CAN'T AND WON'T SURVIVE DEATH! CAN YOU SURVIVE BEING DEAD? THINK ABOUT IT! THINK ABOUT IT LONG AND HARD!! CAN YOU SURVIVE BY YOURSELF, FOREVER AND EVER, NO SOURCE OF LIVING...REMEMBER YOU ARE DEAD! LIFE IS A TEST...SHALL YOU PASS OR FAIL?

I hate my husband. He swept me off my feet two weeks after I turned 18. I am now 33. I married him after 7 years hoping I would get some of the love and respect that was missing before. I hate him. I raised his children, now he disregards me. As a result, his kids disregard me. I hate him. I am in constant pain because of all of the unrealized hopes and dreams. I hate him. After 8 years of marraige he is telling me I am too volitle and my moods have destroyed our marraige. It has given him an excuse to be critical. I hate him. He has never liked my friends or family. He values money more than anything in life, especially me. He gives away alot of money then people tell him he is generous, so he tries to justify his life by his monetary gifts. When I tell him I will need financial help when/if I leave him, he gets angry and tells me he has done enough for me because he put a roof over my head and clothed me and paid for school during our marrraige. I hate him. I have allowed him to take the best years of my youth....I HATE HIM!!!

What is wrong with me. I am a grown man but can't seem to escape the past. during my first years in High School I fell in love with Beckey. I cared for her more then I cared for anyone else. Every minute spent with her was a blessing and every minute away from her was spent waiting to be with her again. Everytime I talk about this I get the little tingle down my spine and when that goes away I feel like I'm going to puke. I loved her with all my heart and she left me. SHE LEFT ME. I understand what those words mean but does that mean I can't still love her? Care inside for her? I thought it did until these feelings came back. I've been without her for YEARS but I still feel her with me everywhere I go. She holds my heart and she captivates my mind with every waking momment. I feel as if I'm being driven insane by the feelings I am having toward her and my wife. I don't think my wife would understand how I felt so I keep it bottled up and I write it on this wall. Recently everything has been reminding me of Beckey and I just want it to stop. I need it to stop. Thank you.......

I sit and watch my mother walk around in heart ache every day. Her boyfriend is a real ass hole, he blames me, her pregnant doughter for everything that is going wrong in their relationship. She has no place to go or she would leave I hate him, he deserves no respect from any one in this world because the only one he can mannage to respect is himself.

i know this is the ANGERY WALL, but i am not mad today. I LOVE MY MAN ANDREW & MY GORGIOUS SON ANDREW!!! LOVE ALWAYS, jeana (mommy)

They say your to young they say you dont understand,they say you just want to here what you want to here. they treat your dad like crap they think he is the root of the problem they dont no sh**t . they dont understand anything it makes me sick you also have groups at school you are ether a freak or a skank or a prep or you are one of the people that sits back and watch the crap hit the fan. well they think they can run over you but I got news for them they mess with me then they will have problems I have more but I will write back here later.

i am not a bad person. i just get too frusterated at life. i don't mean to hurt the people i love. 102938 GOODBYE

I have read the wall.I feel for all those people who are hurting. here is my story.I have wanted to tell someone for years how much I'am hurting insidesee I was a girl of 2 years old when my mother passed away. I was just handed over to any family who would keep me,I have been abused all my life. I had one brother that my dad raised and kept with him. my dad drinked alot and had to many women to worry about what was ging on with me,I did'nt like him when I was growing up. I had no repect, trust. or love for anyone.I was alone in this big world to take care of myself.I'am trying to make a very long story short, I'am 48 yearsold today, I've married a man 20 years ago . we have two sons ,my husban and sons our my life. our frist year togeter was so happy. then my olny brother was 35 years old become ill. my husban and I were there for 13years doing everything, because my dad was to bussy with his life. I then our worst night mare happen, I was getting sick , i lost so much weight I almost died. I found out I had ulsers, diebetic, now high bloodpresure.after 15 years I lost my olny brother, and I never had a sister, I feel so lost at times. now my dad is 72 years old, he's in a nursing home, I have tryed 4 times to keep him with us, but now he has dementia, he does'nt even remember my brother, but he does me,I'am there when ever my dad needs me, why? becuse after all I have been thew I love him hes my dad. Ihave often heard that I was a kind and loving person like my mother,If not for that I proubly would never been there, thank god for my wonderful husban and our two sons becuse when I feel like everythins my fault, I think of how much I am loved now,God I thank you every day.

Yesterday, June 2, I put my 57 year old husband in a NH, he has EOFamialAD.......the journey has been devasting, since December of last year he has been on fast and forious decline

I just read the wall for the first time, and I can relate to the woman whose husband has AD at 57. I also notice that almost all of the writers are caring for an aged parent or in-law. I wish I could get more input from spouses of AD. It's just not the same when it's your lifemate who has the disease. I'll turn 50 in a little over a week, and my husband has AD. We also had been looking forward to many more years together, to traveling and sharing each other's company. Now all I feel is emptyness. He's only been diagnosed for a year, but the progression of the disease has been frightening. We used to talk about everything and share everything. Now I hate to even attempt simple conversation because I have to repeat half of what I say and explain all of it. He has no comprehension of what he hears or reads, but he wants so desperately to understand. It breaks my heart. If you are a woman dealing with an AD husband and want to share your feelings on the subject, email me at p12b34@aol.com

Folks, I HATE this disease. I HATE that so many beautiful people have been forced to loose their independence,their self-es - teem,their happiness. I HATE the fact that theren is no cure, no nuthin. Just heartache; Consternation; unhappineess; and most of all,this disease has robbed us all of our mom/dad/siblings, etc.It is hard. Tough. The challenge is there. Let us face it. And let us face it hard. I have no genetic ties to my mother asI was adopted. I PRAY THAT i NEVER CONTRACT AD. But, if I do, I pay that I will have people like us to look after me. God Bless us all ! LarebearTn@AOL.com

Thank you for this wall. as a caregiver I have told family and friends about this web site. also another where they could learn. I told them about supports groups that they could attend now so that they are more prepared for what is to come. My little lady is sweet at times,loves cats and childrens eyes. But now she is getting to the point where she don't want choices. Has Times of Anger, realizes, yet doesn't what is happening to her.Chamges are happening faster. Her boys with their family won't visit cause she won't remember they were there. Some day she won't remember them,then they will wish they had. Thank you to all who vent and share, some can only read, but at least they know they are not alone.

thank you for this opportunity to vent. I was never close to my mom, she always preferred her sons to her daughter. Now she has AD and I care for her and she isn't that much trouble, really, she isn't violent, just confused. But it still hurts that she dotes on my brothers when they visit and she calls me and my family those 'sobs'. She will listen to any man if he tells her to do something, but I'm 'too bossy'. The ony time in my life that she ever approved of me is when I was doing what she thought I should do. Mothers, don't be detached and unemotional around your kids, accept them and their help when you need it, even if you don't approve of their lives or their spouses. My family is full of old people who think they can do everything they did 60 years ago, and even things they never did. It's hard to remain tolerant and loving with people who constantly reject help. And then there's my brother, who has joined some sort of cult and goes to 'seminars' every two m! onths, he is spending thousand of dollars on this cult, but has visited his mother once in the past year. What do I say to him when he gives me all this unasked for advice on dealing with my mom. I feel like hanging up the phone on him, but I guess he's a victim too.

I have just had another episode of dad pulling feces from his rectum and smearing it everywhere. As I try to clean him up, he is holding onto some in his hand and refuses to let it go. It is in his bed, on my walls, all over the bathroom. He would just die if he knew he carried on this way...he is violent, curses, kicks and hates to be cleaned up. We are trying so hard to make him comfortable, but the Lord only knows how much I can take, along with my husband and kids. I wish that I could runaway and not look back. I wish that Dad could go back at least 5 years....and I've been told that this could last 10 or more years....I've had 3 years of this so far...HHHHHEEEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!

This is my second trip to the anger wall, the first was over a year ago when Mom began needing round the clock care and I was trying to "do it all" long distance. I have 4 brothers who have been "0" help through 99% of it all, making caregiver arrangements, grocery shopping, seeing that bills were paid, medical appointments, searching for a nursing facility, social service appointments, going through Moms things to empty out her home of 40 years and have a yard sale, renting the house, beating my head against a post over all the "brick walls" that constantly came up because NOBODY had power of attorney to take care of legal issues. PLEASE! If you are faced with elder care for an Alzheimer's loved one, get that power of attorney NOW before it is too late, believe me, you will need it. Moms Alzheimer's came on so gradual that nobody noticed until she was no longer paying her bills, was becoming paranoid, stopped cooking and lived on junk food, constantly mis-placed things, lost her monthly Social Security check and retirement check several times, refused to bathe or change her clothes, called everybody by the wrong name and always forgot that you said you were coming to visit. The signs were all there and my brothers refused to see them until Mom ended up in the hospital from dehydration and being disorientated. I had to step in and take over and I caught hell all around from every decision I had to make alone from hiring her caregiver (she was capable of taking care of herself!) to cleaning out her home (I wanted all of the family mementos) and choosing her nursing facility (I wanted to put her away because she was an embarassment). The decision for a nursing facility did not come easy for me. I lived 70 miles from Mom, I have a child who began firs! t grade this year, finding a "responsible" caregiver became impossible, the relative who was supposed to be there nights would nearly every night leave her alone and go out for the evening. I would call and nobody would answer so I would either make the 70 mile trek or call a brother who lived nearby to go check and it would be my fault Mom was alone. I cried buckets over my decision to place Mom where she would be cared for. I thought I could bring her home with me to stay, but after 4 days here, it was apparent she needed a caregiver who could be AWAKE 24 hours a day. She never slept more than an hour at a time, refused to take her medications, refused to change her clothes or bathe, and my son and animals got on her nerves, and when she nearly killed my family by closing the damper on the woodstove and opening the door and the house filled with smoke and set off the smoke alarms, I decided the time had come. I will never forget that day, I did not tell her she was going! to a facility, she thought she was going to a motel for a vacation. After I got her setteled in the facility, I sat in my car, totally broke down and cried until I could not see. That has been 7 months ago and she is very content there. She has mentioned going home once or twice, but the thought is gone as quickly as it came, she has made friends there, her oldest Grand-daughter, Geri, goes to see her nearly every week and so do I. My brothers go when it is convienent for them, like if they happen to be passing by on the freeway and have a few minutes to spare. Geri and I both take Mom out for lunch or to the Dairy Queen for ice cream that she loves. Mom sometimes does not recognize me when I first walk in, but it only lasts for a few seconds, she is quickly losing her communication skills and is now incontinent most of the time. I will spend as much time with Mom as I can because I know that all too soon, I will not be able to talk to her, hold her hand or hug her. I l! ove Mom dearly and I have seen too many of my friends lose thier parents in the past year to take Moms time left for granted. She took care of me all of my life and has always been there for me, now it is my turn to be there for her. I met a wonderful friend through this anger board, Kathi Stauffer, who lives on the other coast and is living a parallel life with mine. Kathi, If I haven't told you, I love you very much for going through this with me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart! You are so special to me for helping me with everything from guilt to anger and learning to accept what I cannot change and teaching me to stand up there and fight for what I have to do to make Moms life as comfortable as possible. I would have been a basket case by now. You also taught me that I will not have to one day stand and say "if only" because NOW is the time. God keep you and bless you! To sum up things, yes, I am angry, yes, I hate Alzheimer's with a passion, and I am learning to live with myself for what I have to do. To all of you, I say, "You have to find the humor and life for you will go on". donnamgm48@compuserve.com

I should of diewd in Vietnam then I wouldn't have to watch my wife die of this killer from hell!!!

This has killed our family

Here is to all the anger on this WALL You will not find help until you first stop blaming a loving God for all your problems. Look in the scriptures and learn how Christ wants to help you and your family. Pray, for wisdom, understanding of God's word so you don't continue to make the mistake of blameing the one who has all the answers. GOD BLESS.

The old saying is true...I feel your pain! My father was diagnosed at age 57. He died at 67, and part of me went with him. His brother had it, my mother's sister had it. BOTH sides of the family! Do I worry? Yes. I am 45. My advice? Find a way to live NOW. Life is short. Plan for early retirement. My father planned for retirement. ALZ hit before he got there! Are there blessing in caregiving? Yes, tho you may not see it now thru the anguish. We had to do the nursing home thing too. My heart was ripped out numerous times! He was my heart...He is gone 9 years now, and it's like yesterday. Time heals. He died here with me on Hospice after the nursing care literally shortened his life. I have stories, and I still cry sometimes. You are not alone! 10/06/99 njwmn@aol.com

I am very mad that my father is sick with ad, and that he has to be so far away from me, and i cannot do anything to change the circumstances of this diease.

I'm angry because so little is done to try for a cur for this devistating disease, I've seen lots of results.Bob

to my kitty mae im no longer mad,i miss all of you the good and the bad and, you could be bad.i miss how you would take such good care of yourself. i long for you to be the same , i miss you i need you around me but i can find you i feel lost without you nothing seems the same.i want to scream come home but i no your not going to why.my life has change so much since you have been in lala land,i just don't understand why you where sent away fron me.i love you and miss you so.P.

don't forget to remember those who can't

Thank you for this place to vent. I don't know what to do...my grandmother is 85 and lives 1500 miles from me...she's always been independent...always been fearful of anyone taking advantage of her...always verbally abusive...now she's 'slipping'...cooking for the photos in her apartment, saying 'we' ate a good meal...not eating, drinking, sleeping all day, not leaving the apartment, accusing folks of watching her, stealing from her, not taking her meds, cuz meds can 'make you worse', not bathing, not washing her clothes, but refusing any help I can get for her....I pay her rent, I pay her phone bill (phone was disconnected)...all out of my pocket, which I can barely keep my head above water with the added bills...I don't know what to do, who to talk to, what steps to take next...last nite I thought of just killing myself, so I don't have to do this...take the fights,the abuse, the brothers that fight what I do but won't help out. It just hurts.....

My first entry on this board...My husband and I are caregivers to my dad who has lived with us for 3 years. We are in our late 30's and have 3 young children. We knew that when we took Dad on that this would be the biggest challenge in our lives. We did not expect other family members to act as if Dad doesn't exist.;0( It angers us, but we push on. It is so VERY HARD, as we both work full time jobs alternating so that one of us is always home with dad and the children. Dad is violent, mean spirited and incontinent. He is 87 years old and also has parkinsons. He is frail, most times falling often, running through my home, stripped of all clothing, cursing, berating, scaring the kids. We promised to care for him without placing him in a nursing home, but now do not know how much more we can take. My husband is a God send....I know he must resent this situation...I hate this nightmare that we live daily...we are both in need of a vacation along with the childre! n alone....can't afford much..don't have time for support groups, need all of our spare timefor the children and to rest...this is HELL on earth...and the sad part is that Dad has no clue as to what he does daily. It is a battle just to keep him clean daily...I can't keep up...whoever made Febreze should be a millionaire by now, between that and bleach...it's all that I smell like now..I have stopped wearing perfumes, combing my hair or dressing like I used to...just doing what little I can to get thru each day. I want my kids to live the normal life that they were accustomed to before this started...their lives have been changed forever. I pray with each day that goes by that Dad doesn't hurt himself falling, as he does often. He hides food, clothing, belongings, and accuses us of doing it. He has attacked my children, as well as both myself and my husband. he is a shell of what was a vibrant, articulate, funny human being. Now he sits and slobs, spits and curses. I N! EVER want anyone to stay in my home, not even to visit. I want this bad dream to end....I keep telling myself that one day this will be over, that he will be at peace, and so will we. It is so very hard to see Dad like this. He would just die if he knew the things that he does daily. I have cleaned feces from walls, furniture where he's written notes with it, has smeared it everywhere, you name it, I think I've cleaned it. He has NO CLUE...I hate that he's this way....I wish that I could take Dad back 20 years, so that he could enjoy his grandbabies, not call them little motherf****** and scare them. I WISH FOR PEACE IN THE NEW YEAR FOR ALL OF US...May God Bless and give strength to each of you living the same hell..We too feel your pain....

my dear mother who is 71 years old was diagnosed with a cogenital fluid sack around her brain which causes dementia and alzeimer like symptoms. her state right now is one of constant,uncontrollable screaming and rage.. screaming the same things over and over again at the top of her lungs. my father who is the caregiver is becomming emotionally and physically weak from the constant barrage..a nurse comes in at 3pm everyday so he's able to get out at night. dad is a stubborn man who would rather play the hero to the end then take mom to a hospital and find the right meds to calm mother down. this is the frustration for my brothers and myself. dad will go down with the ship ..check out..and then its going to be our calamity. this a certain scenario..one we would rather deal with now.can't talk to the man..so..its tragic.

My grandmother died June 16,1997 with alzheimers. I loved her so much,I know it's been over 2 years since she died but it only feels like yesterday. I need her back so bad. I don't know how to feel anymore I wish I could just see her for 10 more minutes so I could tell her how much I love her and just how much she always meant to me. She was always such a strong, independent women. She waited on everyone and didn't want anyone to wait on her Every Sunday for dinner she cooked us fried chicken, homemade rolls, creamstlye corn, etc. She would never let anyone else get the chicken leg or the part that has the wish bone in it because that was especially for me. Her baby girl. The youngest of all her grandchildren, I got everything I wanted and more from her. My dad finally had to place her in a nursing home because no one was around to help her to the bathroom, give her baths, and get her dressed and undressed. My dad's health was fading pretty fast, everyone else moved away, and I wasn't old enough yet to take care of her the way she needed, plus I had school. It killed my daddy to have to put his mother in a nursing home and it killed me even more knowing that grandma wasn't the strong women I had always known her to be. We visited frequently and even brought her home some on the weekends. But slowly it ate her away so badly that she'd forget who her children were and that really killed my daddy. But through it all, until the day she died I found rather strange that she forgot who everyone was but ME. It gave me the proudest feeling in the world to know that through it all she never forgot who her red-headed baby girl was. I know she loved me dearly I just wish I could tell her one more time how dearly I love my grandma. Her funeral was the haardest day of my life I cursed God because he had taken something so precious from me without giving me a chance to say goodbye.

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sometimes my grandmother makes me so angry...she forgets she did something and then she flies off the handle when she realizes that she is the one who was wrong...not the rest of the world...when she flies off the handle she hurts my feelings and says things she shouldn't say...usually in front of my kids and it upsets the whole house.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,
I'm lossing my mind! I'm 15 years old and I dont even care about my Sweet 16 next mounth. Life is a living HELL with my father having alzheimers. My older siblings are dealing with this, but i'm the only one at home who is in the middle. The verbal abuse he gives me is worse then the idea of never having a father. I'm constantly told i'm stupid, worthless, and that I should get out of his life, but what about my life. Every one is worried about him, well who cares if he gets lost. Maybe if he did, someone would just take him away and give me my sanity back. No one at school understands about what i'm going threw. At home I am an uptight BITCH, to put it lightly. But as soon as I leave home I am a well ajusted, happy teenager. It's all lies. My feelings are not shown. Some times I wish I could get up enough courage to just kill my self and get out of this Hell I live in, but then I think. He should Go first. I have the rest of my life, but he's old and no one woul! d miss him. LIFE IS A BITCH and I think God did it this way to see how far I can go with out going over the edge.

my brother has fought me from the beginning, every step. from meals on wheels, to a day social program, to assessment, to financial planning, to hiring help. he's macho. 5 years younger, in total denial. my mother still sleeps alone at nite, which is utterly ridiculous. i do bathing with intense fights to remove clothes every 2-3 days, she slapped me across the face 3 weeks ago. she does no grooming unless i do it. she is starting to have toileting accidents. she is very social and friendly and fun most of the time, with obvious dementia. a new alz place opened 2 miles from her house, state of the art, called the "caring house". she has long term care insurance even, which i set up!! he refused to go see it, says "whats the hurry?". meanwhile she could wander and die, and we live in the snow belt with winter coming. i went ahead with initiating placement today. we are both power of attorney. i told him i was doing this and he blew and did not go see the place or call me. i take that as his answer. she can even be in her house days (with him in his business next to her house), and sleep there evenings. he went ballistic on me. threatened to hold my beautiful neices from seeing me, told me i never loved my mother, and our relationship is over. his response: "i am not ready for this". the good thing is the doctor, social program, other family, insurance company evaluation is 100% behind me in this. i did it because the place is new and the last bed was available. once filled, we could maybe never get her into this facility. i took her there today for a visit. she was happy, made friends, laughed and enjoyed it tremendously. i feel sick about this, but 100% in my heart i know it is right for her. i am appalled at the lack of respect he has shown me consistently. i may have to fight him legally, but believe he would lose. his wife now has turned on me and says mom is fine in her home. i feel sick, sad, nervous, angry, hurt, and shocked. it is as though i am feeling the loss of my mom and the loss of my family in one full sweep. it's late, and i would give anything to talk or go to a chat room with others who could listen tonight. very sadly, debra

Today i have to put my wife of 30 years in a nursing home where she will be in the care of strangers. I'm a medic from vietnam ad I will be making visits at all hours of the day an

I am caring for my 83 year old mother who has multi-inract demintia. I am 62 years old and last year ended up in the hospital and had open heart surgery. I am blessed to have a Mom who is not unpleasant and is pretty easy to get along with. The work is not the problem, it is watching this vibrant, funny, ALIVE, person end up staying in bed all day, not eating, unable totake care of herself, repeating things over and over. She has "dreams" (hallucinations) and works too hard. She will leave the house at night and wander if I did not have alarms and locks on the doors. I worry about fire but I worry more about her getting out and having something happen to her. Her balance is very bad and she falls easily. I am not angry so much as just plain overwhelmed with grief at the on going loss of her. I wok a full time job and have my step-daughter come in and take care of Gramma. I pay her but it sure isn't enough and I am grateful for the help I have recieved from some of my family members and the others are the ones how are losing out. I am tired but will continue on until I no longer can take care of her or she dies. I love her and don't have a way to fix this awful thing.

anry with gulit

My father, my hero, died September 2 and was buried September 4. Once a talented craftsman, musician, golfer, loving husband, father & grandfather, he developed the symptoms in late 1995. My mother was his caregive, but toward the end, he was so difficult for her to handle. She is 83; he was 84. He was in day care, but evenings were getting hard for her. Nothing was keeping him calm anymore. He roamed the house at night and had several bathroom accidents. We took him to E.R. because he had fallen; just a slight bump on the head. If you ever really want to die, just go the hospital. So many mistakes were made and the series of events would take pages. Bottom line is, he was admitted, became dehydrated, developed pneumonia and could no longer swallow. We decided against a feeding tube; it would have been his wish, plus he had a Directive to Physicians. A hospice nurse worked with us before he died. He was in a deep sleep for 3 days; I held his hand, stroked his brow, and told him what a great father he had been. Now here it is two weeks later, and I am wondering if we did the right thing. Sure, the feeding tube would have kept him alive; then the pneumonia may have cleared up and perhaps he could have swallowed again. But the Alzheimers would have not gone away. It would have still been there. So, intellectually, we did the right thing, but emotionally, I am dying inside. I miss him and feel guilty that I dreaded my visits to him during this last year. I hated what the disease did to him. Now I hate what his death has done to me. I love you Dad. S.M.G.

I hate you Lenny for leaving me like this for leaving me to deal with all of this while you sit there, not giving a shit not having to DO ANYthing How dare you leave me like this its not fair god its just not fair we worked so hard to get back together i beleived fuck I believed nowits just me here i deal with it all josh tony jene all of it you don't care you don't know if you do know you don't show it I hate you for this i hate having to deal with this..with all of this ...alone..no matter what alan says... i feel alone tonight I'm so alone
i'm so scared
i can't do it all
i just cant

I have been reading this page for months & now I guess It's my turn. My mother has been accusing my of stealing miscellaneous stuff for 18 mos. Mostly these episodes are forgotten or item turns up. She's been in a tantrum all day about her favorite blouse which she keeps in here purse. Her bedroom looks like a tornado. No words could actually describe it. My dad is here and mentally OK but in fragile health. Her episodes are beginning to upset him. She hates me and there are moments when the feeling is mutual. there are moments when she has such a pathetic look on here face that I can feel compashion. This website has given me a lot of supportive info for which I am ever so grateful. I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't feel very safe here. I stay out of the way as much as possible but I'm in charge of cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring etc. My job is to take care of my Dad. Does anybody out there fear for their live?? bwallace50@yahoo.com

I see her laid out, in her lavendar dress,
A smile frozen on her toothless face.
And friends crying, paying that last respect,
To one whom, living, they chose to neglect.

I see them close the box with the roses on top.
And a sigh escapes my lips, at last it will stop.
No more hating the disease, no more useless efforts to please.
I see her laid out, in her lavendar dress.
Finally, now, I can rest.

Dear God, Please let these words written here by others be just that--words. Words that show the torment of watching a loved one leave us a bit at a time. Where is my mother now? I know this isn't her. Will I get to see her as she was in heaven--will we know each other? My first friend, my best friend, my constant friend is leaving me. Mom, I promised you and dad that I would never leave either one of you alone if you were stricken. I know I was angry those 20 years ago watching everyone leave my grandmother alone with ad. I was there to get her phone calls 5, 8 times a day. I was there trying to visit her and crying to you all to not leave her alone. Now, my dad comes to me and says that because he is living with mom who is diagnosed with Alzheimer's like dementia, if he would have known then what he knows now he would never have left Mamaw alone. Small consolation-----I get to be right because my dad is seeing my mom go through what my grandmother did. Fear, confusion, anx! iety, restless walking, covering windows, layers of tissue paper in drawers, hiding...what?, torment, baracading doorways.....someone might see in. BUT, still talking of God's love, watching beautiful sunsets, giggling with toddlers, joyful and thankful she still knows us all, chattering squirrels, flowers bursting with color, look at the birds, do you hear that bird?........Let me be thankful for what I do have every moment. Help me to let go of what is gone.......

The sea's foamy hand
tugs at my ankles
A breeze whispers
promises of comfort
The moon shines beams
across the mysterious depths
all persuading me to come.

I see footpirints
yours
extending far out into the beach
then I look at mine
not far from the starting point
Stepping into
your foot step
I see that my feet
are much too small.

I yearn so much
to have my foot steps
identical to your
But how can I be like you
When your shoes are too big?

Needing to see
no more
I take the sea's hand
and wade out.
-CL

I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF AND I'M MAD THAT I'M SO FUCKING WEAK. I HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO BE SO MUCH, YET I THROW IT AWAY. I GO TO A THERAPIST BUT MY MOTHER ACTS INNOCENT THERE. TO MY THERAPIST, SHE'S AN ANGEL. AND WHEN EVER I TELL HIM ABOUT THE VERBAL ABUSE, THE BEATINGS, THE PHYSICAL ABUSE, BETRAYAL...HE LAUGHS. WOULD YOU BELIEVE THE WORDS OF A WOMAN WHO ACED COLLEGE, IS BRIGHT, BEAUTIFUL, TEAR-STAINED, 'LOVING', IS A POPULAR DOCTOR WHO HAS DONE MANY GREAT THINGS TO MANY PATIENTS, OR WOULD YOU BELIEVE A PERSON DIAGNOSED WITH AN EATING DISORDER, MANIC DEPRESSION, PARANOIA, ETC? I WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME EITHER. WELL, GOOD BYE WORLD. I'M SORRY MY VISIT HAD TO BE SO SHORT, BUT IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE. MY LIFE FOR A HAPPINESS OF MY FAMILY. AND BELIEVE ME, THEY WILL BE HAPPY. THEY'VE TOLD ME SO. AND MY MOTHER EVEN GAVE ME PERMISSION TO KILL MYSELF. SO...BYE.

I'm tried....What caregiver isn't right! This has been a really hard week, mother has gotten worse, she repeats the same thing over and over and over. She has know ideal where she is or what she is doing. She has tried all week to call the house where her and daddy lived trying to find him. She has forgotten that he died in February. I'm not tired of mom, I'm tired of my brother that doesn't want to deal with her because of the family confusion and it interferring in his life. I'm tired of another brother that thinks I should care for mother 118 hours a week by myself and if I do get any help pay for it out of my pocket. I'm tired of a younger sister who acts good two shoes, but is strung out on drugs. I'm just sick and tired of them expecting me to save mother's money so they can have it when she is gone. I'm tired of my own family being neglected because of this. Diane

Alright. Here goes. That filthly old bitch!! How dare she sit around pissing in her depends and expecting all of us to cater to her?! How dare she shit on the bathroom floor, wipe her ass on my nice new towels and poor melissa's nightgown?! Filthy old woman!! Spitting in melissa's coke and hitting little John with her cane! Crabby dirty stinking old Bitch! Walking around spewing out her word salads, only making sense when she wants to bitch at the kids or me. Feed me! Wash my pissy pants! Smell the aroma and like it!! I hate you, you filthy life sucking rotton smelling old bag!! Where is your pride? You like to stink! How dare you make us throw you into the shower, yelling like we are hurting you! You stupid old bitch! How would you like a urinary infection? Sitting around pissing in your diapers! I cannot stand you another day and I will sing and rejoice when John finally sends your ungrateful smelly ass to the nursing home where you belong!!!! Ther! e. I said it all. Now I have to go feed the ungrateful crabby ass bitch or the law will lock me up for neglect. I hate his mother......

VOILENT HEART

go ahead get drunk get laid,
but in my heart the demons will raid.
Break the spell cause your damed to hell,
everythings turned on you.
The grim of the silence,
the break forth of violence
the me that everybody thought they knew.

With no arms,
with no wings,
her desacrated breath,
with this strange disease.
your power ...this hour
has brought me to my knees.
the air of night,
the smell of new,
the break forth of voilence,
the me they thought they knew.

by -danny halfacre.

The patients are not the only ones with paranoia. How dare we say what we think; we will be locked up forever with the living dead. It has already happened without speaking. How will it be if we speak? Hell has no sound; you can't hear the screaming for the voices of the damned are silent.

I'm 43yrs. old, married 25 yrs. We have 2 kids at home and 1 married and 1 grandaughter. I am the main care giver for my mother-in-law and have been now for a year. She was diagnosed 3 years ago. She has 7 children and only 2 of them really help out with her. I loved my mother-in-law very much but this person that has taken her place I have grown to despise. She thinks we burn her pictures and throw away all her clothes and stuff. Some of her kids are stupid enough to believe this as they get on with their little lives. I need to do stuff with my 2 kids that are home. I feel like I have let them down. My mother is in poor health and I need to be with her. I resent my husband for a lot of this. IT IS HIS MOTHER. I need to get out of here. I can't take it any more.

AD is destroying my love and memories for Mother. She preferred to die and go to her heaven years ago. Dr. K is needed when the mind no longer knows who it is or was. The shoulds of society have no right to be imposed on families and dying people. We cannot be angry at AD. It is what it is. It is society's shoulds that deserve our anger.

OK Im letting some of it out. I've been here 6yrs no help to speak of I hate Medicare..just when you get a break they rip the rug outfrom under you.she tells them all she loves them, except me(DIL)and my children and her hubby..she tries to pitus all against each other. Im the bitch who poisos her and starves her and doesnt clean her. I need 30 min to digest my food or else I upchuck but she doesnt give a crap..she shits and wants changed NOW. None of her other DIl visit, sons maybe an hour every 10 days or so, no Vday cards call frothem today. I made it special but she wont remember. Im the huzzzy who sleeps with her husband, the lazy no good bitch, the heffer, the sob, my kids are bastards and should be beat.Im trying to kil her, Im stealing her house. I have diabetes and am here 24/7 trouble getting out even to the grocery...that bitch gone again? She sleeps in the day,screams all night.Nurses want to know why she sleeps all day. Im up with insomnia at night,kids! have to be up at 6:30, docs say clorazepate enough for anxiety but shes been on it 10 yrs. No more pills for her, not even sleeping ones. Shes a phoney...will not tell doc or nurses the truth,just I am mean to her...as I feed her, bathe her, dress her, try and laugh wiith her, love her through the pain...shes not even my MOM....I want to run away, I'm so depressed and I want to cry but they shame me for crying. husband pissed off cause hes in a house full of nutty women..well screw him and her too. Her Dh is old, sleeps all the time, messes the house but is her martyr boy when she wants to be fed or watered...dad she can hold a glass LET HER! He wants everything done for her,then bitches at her when he wants to rest. He never even spends time watching TV with her He's leaving it all to me, errands,DR, Nursing, Cleaning, caregiving, most of the bills, pills, food, phonecalls all of it is mine now. I want to be able to watch a movie on the VRC with my family without being calle! d for anything. I want to get out for coffee or baseball or school work without being called or guiltripped. Quit trying to down me in front of my kids. YOU were a drunk and dope addict who beat yours...now let me raise mine with love. I see yall here can relate. I believe in God, even tho I use cuss words Im not cussing God cause if it werent for HIM Id really be in a mess. But he knows our trials and will not condemn us for crying out in our affliction...its okay to express anger, at least shes not getting the brunt of it, That is what this wall is for..

I am angry today for my life being taken away from me. I'll be married 25 years on March 8th, Valentines Day is tomorrow, but he don't even care. I had a good marriage until the terrible disease took away my husband, you see I'm only 45 and he's 46. Why did this happen to us, we had our children early in life so we could live it up in our older years, but ha ha, the disease got us instead. I'm angry with my motherinlaw for thinking I can take care of her too and with my husband's family for not helping more.But who am I kidding, its just me and him, I don't want the children to know how bad it is day in and day ou hearing the same complaints, whats wrong with me, when will I feel better, its the medication doing this to me, I've had it sometimes I just want to get in the car and never come back, but I won't do that either. I'm angry at myself for being in this situation with nothing I can do to fix it. I was always able to fix anything. Thats why he thinks I can fix! him too. God give me the stregnth to get through this, we have a long way to go.

I AM TAKEING CARE OF MY SECOND HUSBAND, WHO HAS ALZHEIMERS. HE HAS FOUR CHILDREN WHO DO NOT HELP ME AT ALL. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 5 YEARS, BOTH OUR SPOUSE'S DIED WITH CANCER AND WHEN WE MET WE HIT IT OFF FROM THE START. MY HUSBAND IS IN THE LATE STAGES NOW AND TIMES ARE HARD, BUT I AM SO THANKFUL WE HAD THESE GOOD TIMES TOGETHER. I CRY ALOT, BUT STILL CONSIDER MYSELF LUCKY FOR HAVING SUCH A WONDERFUL HUSBAND.

I am loosing it. Grandma has dementia, I can barely look at her without hating her. My house burned down, I am living here in the dining room, I have no privacy, I have no energy, I have no life.....who is this woman? Mom is in pretty good shape, but where has my Grandma gone? Who the hell is in her body? Why can't she be who she was? Why can't I cope with this? Oh Dear God, I cannot cope with this. What will they do when I move out? How can I leave them????????? If I stay I will die. If I leave, how will they survive? I keep crying. This is so painful.

Im 27 and just found out my Aunt has AD. My father and I went to visit her (my Uncle had to put her into a special AD unit) and it totally shocked me the things she was saying. She still knows who were are, (my father being her brother), and I was amazed how she reminissed with my father the good old days back in 1949 when they both attended a town dance. She can remember old house addresses where they lived in 1941, and the neighbor's names even! But then there is the weird things, like her husband is trying to get her pregnant, (shes 73), he has drug houses all over the world, she says, and she smells everything she eats, becuz she thinks they are trying to drug her. My poor uncle is really scared, and is having a hard time trying to care for all the finances and the house by himself. My father and I live a few hours away to give any kind of long term help. If anyone reads this and has phone numbers or addresses to any kind of social aid that my uncle can call to! receive help and assistance, I would appreciate it. He is having a hard time finding anyone at the facility to take the time to help him out. To all the caregivers out there, I applaud you in your undying efforts to halp make their last years as comfortable as you can. God bless you all. Julie wingnover@compaq.net

I hate this disease I hate I wish I could remember what I was fixin' to say!

Phooey

I AM 47 YEARS OLD AND HAVE HAD VARIOUS JOBS OVER MY ADULT LIFE. I WENT BACK TO SCHOOL TO BECOME AN LPN WHEN I WAS 43. MY FIRST JOB AS A NURSE WAS PART TIME IN A LOCAL HOSPITAL. I REALLY ENJOYED IT AND ONLY LEFT TO TAKE A FULL TIME POSITION IN A PERSONAL CARE FACILITY. I WAS NOT SURE IF I WAS GOING TO ENJOY THIS OR NOT. I FOUND