Do you ever find yourself angry at someone unexpected and they don't even know it? Today I was in that position. My parents divorced almost 20 years ago, after being married for 25 years. My Mom is now in AL with severe Lewy Body Disease at age 65. My brother and I have been through hellish experiences up to this point with it and I'm sure there are more to come. So anyway... Today my Dad calls me. He is remarried and retired and living like a cowboy with his new wife and her kids and grandkids. (Basically he ignores mine although we are all in the same town.) But what really got my anger flashing today was that it suddenly occurred to me that HE was "divorced" from the whole situation my brother and I are dealing with regarding Mom. Did he not choose her to marry and have children with? Did he not choose to be with her in sickness and in health till death do us part? When I tell him about Mom and everything my brother and I go through he says, "What a shame." Like it is a sad tv show he is watching. I was suddenly so angry ,, feeling like he had left us to pick up the remains of his marriage (literally there is a past 20 years of us dealing with Mom's depression as a result of this divorce even prior to her physical illness),, that I had to get off the phone. So I thought I'd vent it here and see if anyone else had any similar feelings.
Hannah

Sandra, I am so soryy you first experience with hospice has been so negative.One thing you learn is when you have a problem to address it with the person incharge .Be asserive but come across as the victim here.Let them know how much you will need and depend on them..Turn this around to your favor.If this continues and you have another hospice organization , you can change.I had one that I fired because they were so bad.I have a good organization now but it is not with out problems.There will be a few that you will bond with if you allow it.When this happens they will come to bat for you.When they do come be very precise with them.Make sure they use the proper soap lotions, Change the water , straighten the bed, brush the teeth.They should have alist of all the things you requested them to do.Make sure they give you the time that is allocated.

Hannah, As sad as it is this is more common then we would like to believe.Relationships are difficult to understand.Some people love them and leave them and close the door behind them.Forgetting they once loved this person enough to have children which is a bonding of their love.It is hard to understand and you will cause your self more stress trying.
I understand what you are feeling.My father left my mother with 2 toddlers and never looked back.It caused me to have such anger and lack self confidence until I began to understand that is who he was and had nothing to do with me.It caused my mother, my brother and I many years of pain , emotionally.He not only did this to my mother he had many children with other women.He became a bigamist.He had a daughter who killed her self because of his leaving her and her mother.I said dogs have families and let them go , I put him up there as such.I let all those destructive emotions go.He was going on with his life and not caring.I decided I had to do the same and close the book on him.Human nature is difficult to understand.The one thing I learned was to understand my self and that was the first step in going forward

This message has been edited. Last edited by: mae,

Hannah, for all issues you've had with your mother, you're still there for her. You've called it an obligation....I call what you feel, much more than this and you're to be commended!

You didn't divorce her but your father did! His heart wasn't in the marriage but he didn't break the contract! He got a new one, called "Divorce."

In sickness and in health is an oath that even people who remain married, don't always carry through on. He divorced her to be rid of any obligations toward her. He has a life with his wife and that's where his devotion is. It's too bad though that all he can offer is, "what a shame." The caregiver is usually the one left holding the bag, carrying all the burden, yadda, yadda. It's a crying shame and I've had my share of anguish over these same feelings with members who have decided to divorce themselves from any responsiblity on my end too

Similar feelings, you ask? You better believe it Hannah girl!

Right now I'm waiting for hospice to show up. It's been a fiasco with them. They first overdosed my father on morphine and then claimed he was in "distress" and declining rapidly. They almost did him in! Then today they sent over a nurse, ready to deliver her baby any second. She knew she wouldn't be able to take care of him (in bed) and called for backup. That was at 4:00. It's now going on 8:00 p.m. and my father needs attending to and I'm very tired. MAD????????

Hang in there Hannah.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: SandyF,

And it isn't that I expect my Dad to "do" something about it now. I don't even know what I'd like him to say. I just feel like he should be helping us deal with this but instead he divorced her, got a new wife and is stress free enjoying his life while his children pick up the pieces. I would never put my children through that without some offer to help, even if only on the edges...even a token offer of help would be nice!
~Hannah

Hannah I think all of us can get angry & have the other person not have a clue. I went thru this often w/Mom's friends. They would call say something about Mom's care/treatment and then proceed to tell me what a good job I was doing. I would be speechless for a few seconds & then yes that rush of anger came flooding in. I've posted on this board about it too!

So you are not alone. We are all human and the stress of caregiving can be overwhelming. Especially when people you think should care or say they do really don't give a damn.