Edwina, I remarked to my husband the other day that I feel like I am living an oxymoron - I am fighting to keep my mother alive so she can die in peace.

And yes, some days it feels long - real long...

I told a friend once that I didn't know what to pray for sometimes, and she (being much wiser than I am) immediately replied,
"Pray for mercy."

So that's my prayer for ALL of us...
Mercy, mercy, mercy...

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{{{{BIG GIGANTO GULF SOUTH HUG TO YA}}}}}

Okay. I'll yell. I'll yell, "heck, yeah! preach it, sister."

It's only the truth. It IS very difficult to separate those old issues going back to our childhoods from what they are now. My husband actually got professional counselling to help him not let the resentment to have all responsibility dumped into his lap, and feel less like he was being manipulated like he had all his life. It was advised by my aunt, who went through the same thing a few years earlier. (We loved my late grandmother, but she was manipulative and, like my MIL, controlled her children via guilt-tripping.)

Edwina, for the first half of your post I thought maybe we are related! I too have an older female relative who has been a cruel, manipulative liar for decades (note, I'm NOT talking about Oma). This relative lives with her kind, generous daughter and expects her daughter to do everything for her, she refused physical therapy because she said "my daughter will take care of everything for me" even though her daughter has her own job and health issues to deal with. She too acts like she can't lift a finger when her daughter's around, but when her daughter's out, she has little difficulty doing things for herself.

I think we would feel differently or feel more forgiving if these relatives had been kinder in earlier years, or if we could blame inconsiderate behaviour on a mental condition. But when they are as mean as they have ever been and it's just THEM, not a condition, it's so hard to bite your tongue and do the right thing and be kind and supportive.

I have no advice for you, Edwina. It's a horrible, guilty feeling to want it to be over, but when you have put up with that kind of cruelty for so many years, I don't think it's an unreasonable feeling.

I expect someone on here will "yell" at me for this post, but so be it.