god forgive me , cause when i read your all's posts and that you all are trying so hard to keep your loved one alive-( and i am also- please dont get me wrong here.)..
but i am at the point that i am actually dissapointed- and i am not sure if that is the word i want here...
when i see her light come on the mornings.
i have lived with mom pretending to be sick for all my life
to get us to be manipulated, poor dad went thru it also.he died at 61,
in 85.
i think part of it was cause he never knew also what to expect-
tho he also loved her dearly.
i have bawled my eyes out when speeding to her place when she didnt answer the phone so many times,
only to find that'' she didnt feel like it'', to get back at me for something .
now that death i think???
is fairly close, and really- this is happened so many many times that my sister and i arent sure that how much is put on
and how much is real with her.
.that my feelings are so muddled..
yes, i find her when she has fallen and all that- but when i am not in the room,
she is talking fairly strong to my husband or on the phone,
and when i come in- her voice gets all creekly and mumbly.
and she stumbles and shuffles when i am with her and then when she thinks i am not looking she will amble pretty good to the bathroom.
i am so 'over this!'
i dread the mourning period,
but i am asking my self more'' when is it ever going to end??
when??i want to scream!!
for all my life- and i just turned 53,
she has manipulated us to one degree or another.
i am just so tired of it.
i know she isnt well at all.
but she wont go to the hopital and she defenetly needs a i.v. in her.
when i try and get her to see this,
she will get mad at me till i finally just drop the subject.
she is stick thin and cant hardly eat.
her feet are mottled and legs are swollen and cold to the bone.she is on oxygen but i dont think it is high enough.
i am just sick about this,
i do love her, but god forgive me ,
i want it to be over.
i feel like i have mourned for her for 30 years.
i am whipped.

I totally understand MB. My grandmother was my best freind and confidant for many years, she helped me raise my babies. We had so much fun together, she was the life of the party, and an awesome woman.She would give everything she had away to anyone who might have needed it. Just tonight, I was in my kitchen and I thought that I would call her real quick before the evening got late....she has been gone for 5 years....my eyes are still stinging!!!!!!!!!!!

quote:

When she dies and I am sad - it won't be because she is dead, it will be because of all that never was. And I don't think that we should feel guilty for that...it is our reality isn't it?

Well spoken, Hannah. We are only half of the equation in any relationship... I still wish I'd have taken Mom shopping more... sigh... but the woman could shop a person to DEATH, yaknowhutImean?

So many times I have the impulse to call my mom... then I remember... Like hitting a stubbed toe - it just opens the wound over and over again... Do y'all ever feel that way?

Donna, Edwina,
I know how you feel. My Mom and I were always at odds. She didn't fake ill - but she was a master of inducing guilt and manipulation. Mean, spiteful and loved being a martyr. Now, at 67, she has severe Lewy Body Disease and is in a nursing home. I feel horrible for her. Nobody deserves this fate. I cry because maybe we missed a chance in later life to be better friends. I cry because I just want to live my own life with my husband and kids without this burden of dementia in my family. I cry because I want my Mom back. I cry because my girls have no Grama. I cry because yes, sometimes I just wish to God it would be over! Each week is a crisis, each week a new horrible decision to be made. Each week is another step further into dementia for her. This week we have to go and pre-plan her funeral arrangements. I have been on the edge of tears ever since I made the appointment. And yet I also think that death would be such a release for her and for all of us. She would never want to live like this. I wouldn't. When she dies and I am sad - it won't be because she is dead, it will be because of all that never was. And I don't think that we should feel guilty for that...it is our reality isn't it?

Hang in there - you are not alone!

Don't feel bad I too wonder, pray and await the time when I will again be free to enjoy my time with just me and my husband. We have cared for both of my parents, mom passed back in '96 before she got all mental like dad is.

These are the days I am so glad that I never had children, at times I do miss being a mother but I would never want to burden my kids with the issues I find myself dealing with for my dad.

Chin up, they can't possibly live forever and one day you will have your life back.

********************************

Donna, welcome! I understand your frustrations with your Mom, so many of us do.

Come back and post again, we are good at listening!

Hi Edwina,<waves> I am a newbie and this is my first post and I feel like we may be sisters. Your description of your Mom sounds incredibly close to mine.
My Mother is 83 and while never a musician, plays my brother and I like a Stradivarius.
She has called me at least 6 times today, the first 3 messages all within 40 minutes, were in this really whinny (but not unusual) voice but kind of slurred like she was drugged (from the Extra Strength Tylenol she took) When I called her back perhaps 1/2 hour later, her voice was normal again. She does that whinny weepy thing with my brother and me, but if someone else picks up the phone, her voice is normal. She shuffles and stumbles around when we are there, but I've driven up to see her walking from the dumpster in a brisk stride!!! When I ask her how she manages to keep that pace, she says she doesn't want anyone to see her, so she walks quickly.
She went from a pretty nice person to a woman that you cannot please no matter what. Everything that we do is not right, and she has no problem telling us about it. She tells us every single day that each day is the worst she's ever been, and moreso that often that she wants to die, yet she wont eat canned peas because of the sodium content. We are like...so what's the harm, eat what you want, your 80 friggin three...you should indulge yourself, but noooo, she reads every lable and anylizes the ingrediants like Madame Curie in her lab. She will fight us about the dosage of her medications, saying the milligrams are too high, and wont take the proper dosing. She has stressed my brother and I to the point of distration, I am seeing a therapist now to help me deal with her. She has imaginary complaints that several Drs have said don't exist but you can't tell her that.
So, in essense, you are not along in wishing for a swift and peaceful demise for someone who is so miserable in their life, and will not assist in trying to improve.
Wow, that was some first post.
Thanks for listening.(reading)

I thought the exact thing as you, until it was too late.

I recall at my worst moments thinking if death were to happen all this would be over.
I do believe when we know we have done our best and there is no more to do we accept it a little better.Not to say things do not change for us for quite a while.My poor aunt cried for me to give her something to help her die.I told her that time was not for us to decide.She had made the remarks at an earlier stage for different reasons.In earlier times she thought she was worthless and a burden to me.I knew she needed to be reassured.I told her we have to work with each other to make her life as good as possible.She was also dealing with my mother, her best friend, no longer able to be her best friend.Mother was no longer the siter and friend for her.The person who had been there for her and vice versa was lost in another world.
Because my aunt could not quite understand why my mother changed they became combatant.To my aunt she could only see mother as being the fisty, strong and friend she had only known.
My aunt continued a good fight for 2 years.Her body could no longer fight the pain from her physical condition.
She would see my mother over and over again.She had no dementia from any source.She new what she was seeing was not suppose to be.I would tell her I wished I were able to see mother as she did.I told her mother came back to make sure she was ok and to let her know she was making sure she was ok.
The day she went to sleep and never awakened was not as I had expected.Knowing she was finaly arest was one thing but loosing her presence after 60 years was another.The emotions were so mixed.I kept hoping it was not so.I then got so hurt that I ran around the house screaming and crying and punching the walls
I kept going back to her to be sure it was true.
It took quite awhile for me to let her go .But she left me with good and bad memories which were true of ligfe.Mothers death was different.Her last moments were horrible.The cause of her passing did not help.
It takes a while to come to grips with the loss and void left by a lved one passing.The closer the person is to you the more difficult.
I do not miss the mother who was so troubled with such demons.I did and continue to miss the mother whos face lit up when she saw me.The face that looked at me with such approval.
The smile she had when she saw me waiting for her after work.Those are the pictures that stay with me.The horrible times are put a small rememberance of her.
I do believe death is more easy to acdept when you know it happened because it was their time to let go of all the physical and emotionall suffereing.
I do know I am not prepared to experience a death of any kind.Not to my husband or to my 2 cats who are getting old
Times when I check on hubby and his brathing is so shallow my heart drops.This fear comes over my intire body.I have to awaken him to know he is ok.I am not prepared to say good buy to anyone that means so much to me.I know, I will have no choice.You just get so tired of saying good bye to loved ones.
I would never be selfish enough to prolong something that was eminent.I know to do so would not be in their best interest but mine.

We all are told the other side of life is death.Logic.But we do not deal in logical terms when we face the loss of another.
Sad when you know the only way a person can be free of pain and suffering is to leave this earth.
The one thing I remeber is how important these loved ones wanted life.When they were able they did what was necessary to stay alive.
So I knew I had to continue that same fight to go one with my life.I owed that much to my self.
There is always that special place in our hearst we store the emotions of a loved ones passing.We use what time we have left to go forward as they had all wanted to be able to do.
To have human emotions about the ones we care for is no cause for guilt feelings.
We are humans.

oh man! it sure wont be me yelling at you..you all have no idea how much your posts meant to me. i could have printed them all off and framed them!

id take you all to lunch if we were closer!! atleast coffie! ha ha!

Edwina, I never thought I would say this out loud, but since so many have spoken out, I will too!

When my fil passed away, I felt a sense of relief, I would never have to hear him put me down, or struggle through his laughter while he walked by me and blew cigarette smoke in my face. Taunted me, while teaching my toddler things a young Mother begged him not to do. He told me I was stupid and worthless {of course I knew better}. There are so many things, I will stop here.

Though there were many times he came to my aid, like the time I was making pickles and poured a pot of boiling water down my chest, he and MIl came in, she stripped my clothes, he brought in bags of ice and they had me lay in the bathtub until all burning was gone....he mowed my yard when I was ill, or my babies were small, he came over and killed snakes that were laying in my path by the front door.

Some were ugly some were good, he was a hard headed old fart, I do appreciate the good times and will never forget them, at the same time, all of the ugliness still remains!!!

No time for guilt, it's our life and it's how we have to live it. When the time comes, you will spread your wings and live your life!!!!!

Edwina, Many feel "hostage" to a care givers situation. The idea of "Praying for Mercy" , for our selves and for our LOs is not new, or uncommon. When your LO is fighting all help that might be offered, "Mercy" of release from this life, may be the best and only prayer that is of use.

I hope for mercy for you all. Maybe that will be in the form of release from life, or an unexpected new "lease" on life.

Please, do not feel any guilt about wishing her to be released from this very difficult life. Difficult for all of you. You are a wonderful daughter for opening up your home for her when she needed a place to live, a wonderful daughter to even see the condition of her feet. Do you have even a clue, how many do not care, would not notice, would not take a parent in.

No, I suppose you don't, because it would never have occured to you to be any different than who and what you are, a caring, suffering loving person.

The "Mourning Period" . For many, it does start long ahead of any actual death. We mourn many things besides the actual demise of a parent or other loved one. Sweetie, we are here for you right now, and through it all.

I didn't want my husband to leave me, but I did want him to have peace and I needed time off or I'd be in an instution as well. So yes, you do want the anguish to be over with and that seems perfectly normal to me. It's sheer tortune, who wouldn't cry out, STOP already.

My Mom was a good Mom but at the same time she was a 'crazy maker.' Somewhere along the line I learned to build a wall around myself, I had to control the situation or live on a yo-yo. Fortunately she did not have AD and died rather peacefull at 87. But I know I could never have cared for her, never. I could have cared for my Dad, but never my Mom. Too bad what people sometimes do to each other.

quote:

Thank you so much for your continued support. I'm telling everyone I know that your support doesn't stop when the caregiving does.

For those of you whose caregiving has ended, your experiences are treasures to others whose journey has just begun or is underway. Some folks find it beneficial to them to share their experiences knowing that good or bad, they can help others to find their own ways through the tangled path on which we frequently find ourselves! Reaching out instead of keeping everything in is the best healing prescription for anyone who has suffered a loss. I hope you and others will still hang out and share the benefit of your experiences with us. One day, we'll all need to know just how one goes about living normally again after the caregiving ends.

Oh THANK YOU MB!
Let the crying begin, for then there will be healing!.
And yes Gypsy, I woke up and listened too.
I still do. After 30 years of snorts and snores and moans and wheezes and wishing he'd move to another room so I could get some SLEEP! - and one final week of humidified oxygen - the silence is absolutely deafening.
I still can't SLEEP some nights. It's too damn quiet.
But I'm working on it, and it's getting better.
Love you all. Thank you so much for your continued support. I'm telling everyone I know that your support doesn't stop when the caregiving does.

quote:

Does anyone else ever wake at night and check to make sure their loved one is still breathing?

Yep...
and in the morning...
and in the afternoon...
Sometimes they sleep so still...

I told a friend once that I didn't know what to pray for sometimes, and she (being much wiser than I am) immediately replied,
"Pray for mercy."

Your friend is very wise. I agree that I think we all live with these feelings of guilt and the only thing that seems to help a little is praying that when the time comes that it is quick and as painless as possible. It has been 10 years of living this??? The Dr. said a few years ago that Mike was like a living time bomb-you never know when it is going to go off. Does anyone else ever wake at night and check to make sure their loved one is still breathing? We still sleep in the same bed so it is easy to check. Prayers to all this family and our loved ones. Gypsy

quote:

I didn't really want him gone - I really wanted him back the way he used to be. But you can't pray for that, can you? And yes, I was tired. I wanted it "over"...
In case none of you have caught on yet - I thought I was doing fine. I thought I was "handling things quite well." Ya' know what?
Up until now, I've been numb. And it's starting to wear off. I too hope I can be there for you all. I will do my best. Even if I can't find anymore words, you can always count on me to sit silently and offer you hugs.
Deb

Awww, Deb...{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}
I think for all of us, we are so busy with caregiving, when our loved one dies, we ARE numb. I don't think any of us want our loved one to die, but if the choices are to remain here with us in a sorry, miserable state, unable to recover in any meaningful way, shape or form, or to pass on, I think most of us would pick door #2. Merciful as it may be, after the shock wears off, one is left realizing that the person we loved and have missed for so long is now truly and irrevocably gone from this life. It's amazing how our hearts will cling to the tiniest vestige of their former selves - a joke cracked, or a wink or a smile all can be profound rewards to us while our loved one is alive. When those little, fleeting glimpses are gone for good, it does tend to hit us like a ton of bricks. Know that we're here for ya, Deb. Caregiving doesn't end when someone passes on, because we also support the caregiver who is suddenly out of a job - unless we count caring for ourselves - an aspect of caregiving with which many of us are a leedle rusty...

quote:

But you can't pray for someone to die, can you?

It DOES sound a little "off" somehow, doesn't it? But I would have to say that the answer is yes. You CAN pray for someone to die, especially if they are in misery. Whether the prayer will be answered, along with many others, is always subject to a higher authority. Sometimes, praying for someone to die is a sign that we have reached a full acceptance of their plight and are praying unselfishly... Most of the time, we're more like, "don't leave me" but when we really and truly know our loved one has no reasonable outcome and is suffering, we transcend our own need to hold on to them, and let them go by praying for them to be mercifully taken from us.

Sometimes I think it is one of the mose unselfish and truest expressions of love when we do finally let go and pray for the deliverance of a loved one.

Me? I don't know what to pray for, so I am taking my wise friend's advice: I pray for mercy. I don't know when the time will be right, so I simply have faith that there are powers in the universe that do know when it's time.

Awwww, crap.... now I've gone and gotten tears in my eyes.... how's about a
{{{{{{{bigtime group hug}}}}}}}
for EVERYONE who is struggling with these weighty issues!!! Or anyone else who just needs to get in on a hug!

My prayer was that when it was Don's time he would go quickly, so that he would not suffer during the dying process as he did while he lived. I had been praying that for quite some time. I knew he was miserable and was only going to get worse. The CHF won out over the dementia. He had been admitted to the hospital with pneumonia but was not improving. That should have been my first clue. I left his room about 5:30 one evening, after the most lucid conversation we had had in a long time.
At 2 am I got a call from the nurse who said he had taken a turn for the worse. By the time I got there - 2:30! - he was gone.
Talk about your prayers being answered!
I didn't really want him gone - I really wanted him back the way he used to be. But you can't pray for that, can you? And yes, I was tired. I wanted it "over". But you can't pray for someone to die, can you?
In case none of you have caught on yet - I thought I was doing fine. I thought I was "handling things quite well." Ya' know what?
Up until now, I've been numb. And it's starting to wear off. I too hope I can be there for you all. I will do my best. Even if I can't find anymore words, you can always count on me to sit silently and offer you hugs.
Deb

Ya know -- if everyone were totally honest -- we have all had those feelings at one point or another. Can't help it -- just gotta get past it.