I feel completely awful. I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams and I can't stop it. I've been in bed most of the day crying and I'm balling like a baby right now. I love my Mom but I HATE MY LIFE...actually, I have no life except for what's left of my relationship with my kids and my job.
I'm starting to resent this. I don't understand why this is happening. I hate feeling guilty for feeling something.

I reached out tonight to our county caregiver support center because I honestly don't know how much more I can take.
I can't even leave the house now to do anything without her getting upset at me.

I feel like I can't even breathe sometimes.

WHY> WHY is this happening to me? My marriage is over, my kids never want to be around and I have no life. NONE.

Sorry...

Dam MMM I got sumfin in my eye! Or could it be hormones! LMAO! Im cryin dang you! Im so happy to hear this you have no idea! Just when the day started goin to crap ... Here comes you with joy...Well done! Kudos on the nurse! Poor thing your brother, I feel so badly for him in this, some people really cant take it I tell ya. Give him a big ole hug from me for trying though...its tough.
So now to the meat of this....Didya pamper yourself yet? Get some makeup, a new dress, paint your nails???? Huh come on baby do tell! Or are ya saving it for after all the painting?!

Hey my wise and amazing guides through all of this craziness.
Crazy few days but this morning, my brother was supposed to help me out and take my mom for her eeg. He called me at work balling...he's 6'4" tall and weighs 250lbs and he was balling like a baby because he "can't stand seeing her like this..." and "He just didn't think he could handle taking her."

I left work balling my eyes out, apologizing to my boss who was amazingly supportive. I took her to the primary doc first and I just broke down like a baby. I told him I was desperate for help. I told him that I could not afford the adult day care (72.00 per day here in Maryland) and that if I didn't get some help soon I was going to have a nervous break down.

He was amazing. He praised me up one side and down the other with sincere accolades for doing so much for the past 15 months and that he's been waiting for me to break down to him because he couldn't believe I was holding up so well!LOL Well, he got an earfull and eyefull today of me just crying like a baby, begging for help.

Low and behold, he said whatever it takes, he will get me a day nurse who will take care of everything for her during the day, so that in the evening, I won't be so overwhelmed.

He also prescribed some pain meds for her as her arthritis and osteoperosis is getting painful for her..more painful shall I say. From there, we had lunch and then went for her EEG which went very well.

She is too much when she's on the ball. We were in the ladies room at the hospital and I had to change her depends as she was fast asleep during the eeg and well, you know how that goes.
So I'm down on the floor changing her and she says.."Honey, if you don't go to heaven NOBODY should!" I almost cried right there...maybe I did.

We came home and I made a big pot of homemade chicken noodle soup for dinner and put the rest in containers for tomorrow because she LOVES it. Then, I dyed her hair...she loves the red hair...gave her a nice shower and now she's bundled up, cozy and fast asleep.

Oh..and while I was making the soup...I got a call from the home health care nurse. She's coming tomorrow to evaluate Mom for home care!

Jokingly, I said to Mom.."Make sure you limp a lot!"LOL She laughed her butt off and said, "I don't think I'll have to fake it!"

Thanks you all SO much for helping me through this. You just don't know how much it means to me.

Now to get my big brother in to put the shower in this bathroom!!!!

I didn't read all the posts, but you need a downstairs shower. If you can swing it, get one you can wheel her into. Make your role easier, not harder. You need to manage the disease, rather than the disease managing you. Or at least that is the goal. Also, it is easier if you do not give her the run of the house, as she will get hurt. Safety is primary. I put my MIL in adult daycare and they will shower her for an additional $10 per day. Call around and find out if there is adult daycare somewhere. Florida??? If there isn't, then start one. The need is infinite. You could make a fortune.

OMG! You poor baby wadda MESS! But baby I feel your pain I had more than a few days like that here trust me! Im just thinkin here what it must have been like in the midst of this! I know my first reation was utter dismay then the inevitable yelling "europe" at the toilet (well actually the sink!) then the tub and then...well you dont wanna know! Then there was the enema incident that took my last piece of dignity away from me (I pride myself on a strong constitution) they didnt tell me when its a LO its much MUCH different! Dont feel bad sweetie it happens to the best of us we are after all human! And with you already working full time to come home to this well hell its poopoo icing on the cake! But Im still tryin to figure out how the hell my mil wiped the top of the toilet seat clean but underneath OMG! the floor mysteries we will never figure out! Like the one time mil pottied in the water bottle....Im still mulling that one over to this day!
Just a heads up sweetie I put my MIL in sweats no more house coats/nightgowns at least then you can keep it contained somewhat. dont get the ones that are tapered get the ones that have the elastic legbands (usually in the mens dept or boys depending on how big or small she is) and go to walmart there 5 bucks a pop or so...
And get babygirl off the computer and doing something constructive Get your mama gene back! And tell son NO. Screw the playin one parent against the other crap rules exist for a reason....Mama Bunny spoke look out! I got me a can of whoopass and I aint afraid ta use it.....
Ya know what MMM you need to visit with us girls over at the ECO Bar n Grill! Come in set a spell and take a gander at what we have to keep you occupado!
Click on me and take a look!
http://eldercare.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/56360781...381057393#5381057393

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bunnys_grl,

quote:

Originally posted by Bunnys_grl:
MMM how are you doing today??? I know yesterday must have been rough for you if you get a chance let us know how you are! Dont sit there by yourself thinkin about it! come on baby....your not alone!

So so. I'm just trying to keep going you know? At least he's been out of my hair the past 2 days so that's a plus.

I think I may have to give mom up sooner than I had thought. I know, good days and bad days but tonight, I really almost lost it. I had to pick my daughter up from school, then stop at the store which made me 45 minutes late getting home and I was a nervous wreck worrying about her. Turns out, it was for good reason.
When I got home, there was poop on the floor and I almost stepped in it, the toilet seat was smeared all over it and down the front and poor mom, she was sitting in her chair and my stupid ass asked her..."What happened?"
She had no depends on and I found wet clothes and underwear in the kitchen on the floor. She didn't know what happened, just that her bowels moved and she didn't know what to do.

She had then put regular panties on..which I finally took them all and put them away where she can't find them and filled her underwear drawer with depends...and they were all wet as well in the kitchen.

I had to take her upstairs which was so awful for her and there in the bathroom found out that her backside was also covered in feces and man the smell...

So I managed to get her in the shower, trying to reassure her that it was going to be OK but inside I kept telling myself I just can't keep this up anymore, she needs more than I can give...then I get her out of the shower, all dried off and powdered and what not and she poops right on the rug.

I sat her on the toilet and said.."I'll be right back".

I had to come downstairs a minute, knowing she was Ok sitting on the toilet and smoke a cigarrette and calm down. I was so upset because I know she can't help it but feeling like a failure inside.

5 minutes later, I went back up, cleaned her up again and managed to get her into her depends (reinforced of course) and her night clothes. Then it took nearly 30 minutes to get her back down the stairs safely and then I got her all settled in for the night and took a long deep breath.

This of course was after working all day, dealing with the neediest of bosses, feeling rejected by my son who called his father to come and take him to his place for the night, my daughter who sat on the computer all evening while I struggled with her grandmother and my brother who was supposed to do a couple things to help out today but only managed to bring lunch for Mom...I guess I should be grateful for that.

I really need a few hours to myself this weekend to just be a girl and have some fun. I hope I find it.

Thanks for being so sweet...and for thinking about me.

MMM how are you doing today??? I know yesterday must have been rough for you if you get a chance let us know how you are! Dont sit there by yourself thinkin about it! come on baby....your not alone!

Baby You are so welcome!!! And if you havent heard this lately then let me be the first to say it....I am so very proud of you! Let me repeat this....I Am So Very Proud Of YOU!
If he calls HANG UP THE PHONE! If you stumble a little Ill be right here to put the foot down for you. Do Not ALLOW this man to write upon the slate of your childs life ANYMORE. Or yours for that matter Its Time to let the WOMAN out that has been quiet for FAR TOO LONG! I want to see you smile everyday baby...
Exersize every morning in the mirror as your washing up I am beautiful I am talented and I am worth the effort! I wont take less! I am woman hear me roar! Hugs and love goin out to you baby make us all proud to say I knew her when.....
Wadda woman

Thank you so much Bunny!!!!!!!!

Today has been VERY trying but guess what???

MOM DIDN'T SEE ANY IMAGINARY FRIENDS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think the meds the doctor gave her may actually be helping!!!!
Maybe I'm just wishful thinking but if it improves my day and my outlook a little then so be it.,,,I'll take it.

I had a BAD day with HIM though...very bad. He put the final nail in the coffin with our marriage and I am taking that giant leap tomorrow and calling the lawyer to get the ball rolling.

I can't take his yelling at me anymore and making me guilty for everything when all I did was love an alcoholic who seems worse now at 71 days sober than he was as a drunk.

We went to counselling tonight but it was my last visit. I am not even going to try anymore...why should I? The only reason is for our son and I love my son but I won't live the rest of the good years with someone like my husband who makes me so unhappy.

Thamk you soo sooo much. I'm pulling up and out of this funk. I'm not saying I won't fall again but I know someone will be there now to pull me back up.

HUGS!!!

Sounds to me that the most loving thing your Ex did was walk out the door. The universe works in mysterious ways MMM. From this list of what you dealt with and accepted from the love of your life, you've been bestowed the gift to grow and breathe again. He'll only be that once-in-a-lifetime love if you allow it and sweetie, I hope with all my heart for you that he was that once-in-a-lifetime deceptive,alcholic, lazy, complaining, overly critical, cheap, uncaring selfish, sexually depriving (#7..."in every way"), cheating liar who enters your life again.

This is your love and kisses from me
And here is your big ole hug from me!
Love you are just a baby here you are a young vibrant "woman" Please...dont even go there with me! Im lookin at this list and I can tell you right now without hesitation he "left" you a long time ago by self medicating to get away from his own issues, lies he told you, and the cheating he did...Tell me something if your very best friend was sittin next to you and just wrote this list, what would you have told her? Love of your life??? Come sit down next to me I never have nothin nice to say on this subject! Ill either make you see light or get you so dam mad itll make you forget about your problems! lol...Time for that right now I say! So get mad as you want cry break things let it out...This is said with the best of intentions...Uh make sure you have some glassware around for the blow out.....Mama Bunnys on a roll here!
He was a no good bum who did only one thing right and that was to give you those beautiful kids that are sitting there right now wondering what the hell is the matter with mom! Your in mourning you betcha but do they know that?! Hell no cause youve been off on a cryin jag for too dam long to notice much of anything except the next problem that crops up so you can add it to your dialog in your head about all that is wrong with your life...Look out Mama Bunnys comin out! Look at this list here baby girl and tell me what the hell you saw in this man except a disaster waiting to happen?! He abused you in the worst way possible. He had no intention of keeping the promises he made you. What you were in love with...The "love of your life" is the fantasy version of the man you married....I know this...he'll get better...he'll change...its just a matter of time now....how many times did you keep tellin yourself this, making excuses for him...Dont answer...I will. Plenty, you started to believe the lies you were telling yourself and all the ones he was feeding you until he had an out here that he could handle....and I bet he even tried blaming you your mom and your kids for his leaving...tell me im wrong. Naaaa, dont your mad right now GOOD! THATS what I want. ANYTHING but that crying is what I want for you. Seriously This is what has to happen to begin the healing process sweetheart.
He did nothing for you (with the exception of your kids) except waste your time and energy...Time to let go of the baggage he left at your front door. Clean out the closets the cabinets (and I know you have something personal of his...) TOSS IT! Chuck everything...Get rid of the boring colors and paint that house a fresh coat. ITS TIME FOR CHANGE! Start to love yourself for a change here....When you do this love will come to you easily....Cheers to the possibilities!
Ok Bunny is done...chew on that for a moment then come back and tell me how you went out got a hair cut, color and your nails done...oh yeah and a new dress....after the painting though! I dont want a stitch of "him" left! not even a minute particle....

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bunnys_grl,

quote:

Originally posted by Bunnys_grl:
Ditto on what MB said baby...You gotta get up and take care of yourself!
You know what MMM Im gonna just be perfectly honest with you...If people and I mean your children cant see that your going through something here then shame on them! Seriously I could never sit idly by and ever watch my mom get to the point you are at whether she went off on me or not I knew when there was a problem and acted....Fast to prevent this from becoming a full blown problem. Your crappy ex I know this is hard its like someone died but hes still there alive and kicken and in your face....your mourning the loss....How long has it been sweetie? I could go into a whole list of reasons why you feel this way but whats the point...
Im gonna give you an excersize to do...
I want you to list 10 things that pissed you off about him (hey if you have more kudos) But I want you to write it down! With the exception of mom I want you to list 10 things you have gained here and I mean great things good things alright things....Ill give you a couple off the top right now
1) Independence
2) Less freakin laundry (especially the skid marks)
4)NO Socks and clothing left on the floor near the hamper
Do I need to bring out the big guns here?!
Come on Baby I want a list....Show me the stuff your made of...remember
WE ARE WOMEN HERE US ROAR!! Say it with me!!
Im not gonna send you love and hugs until I see a list here! Come on baby

1 ALCOHOLIC
2. LAZY
3. COMPLAINED ALL OF THE TIME
4. OVERLY CRITICAL OF THE KIDS AND ME
5. MADE LOTS OF MONEY BUT A TOTAL TIGHT WAD
6. CARED MORE ABOUT HIS FRIENDS THAN US
7. THOUGHT ONLY OF HIS OWN NEEDS...IN EVERY WAY
8. CHEATED
9. LIED
10. SELFISH

What have I gained?
1. CONTROL OVER MOST OF MY LIFE
2. PEACE MOST OF THE TIME
3. LESS LAUNDRY
4. LESS CLUTTER
5. CLEAN SHEETS (NO MUSTY ALCOHOL SMELL)
6. GO TO BED WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT
7. SELF RESPECT FOR STANDING UP FOR MYSELF FINALLY
8. MY TATTOO I ALWAYS WANTED AND HE TOLD ME I BETTER NOT GET
9. SOME BACK BONE
10. MY OWN SCHEDULE

You are right. I am mourning. It wasn't always terrible and he was for many years, the absolute love of my life. A love you KNOW you'll never find again. Maybe never because now, I'm so jaded that I don't know if I'll ever be able to have any sort of intamacy ever again with anyone...or even want it.
Besides, I'm 42 years old and I'm not getting any younger wearing myself out as I do.

I just know my priorities are in order and I have to stick with this and time will heal me.
I just know that some days...I just don't want to open my eyes and get up. I hope that's normal.

Thanks again.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

Today's diagnosis from the neurologist?

Advanced Alzheimer's and he suggested I start the process of finding a place for her that I simply have to accept the fact that no matter what I do, she is NOT going to get better, only worse.

She still has to have the EEG next Monday for confirmation but he said after the exam today and tests that he gave her, it's pretty freakin' obvious that this is what is happening.

I talked to my brother and my neice about it and made some phone calls to see what if any help I can get to be able to keep her out of a nursing home as long as possible. I'm hoping to keep her until at least after Christmas.
So far I've had no luck today getting any REAL assistance with her care. There really isn't much out there for our sick and elderly loved ones.

She is confused and keeps saying how can this be? Why can't she get better and so forth. What do we say to them? No matter what I say, she won't remember it anyway.

I'll be back to list those 10 things too. I have to go make her something to eat and get her shows on for her.

Thanks so much. I only cried twice today. That's improvement right?

Dear MMM: I know exactly how you feel. Just read my posts from way back. I'm glad to read that you're working. It can be your salvation. I'm not able to work yet only because no one will hire me part time during the only hours I have free from caregiving both my folks. Don't despair MMM. Take this one day at a time and know that nothing is forever even though it may feel that another month is too long. It's just awful, I know. One thing I stopped asking is, "WHY." You'll never know why...it just is what it is..it won't make NOW any easier to cope with. One day at a time MMM....

Keep talking, keep reaching out and getting it out.

Sandy

quote:

Originally posted by MeMyselfandMom:
I feel completely awful. I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams and I can't stop it. I've been in bed most of the day crying and I'm balling like a baby right now. I love my Mom but I HATE MY LIFE...actually, I have no life except for what's left of my relationship with my kids and my job.
I'm starting to resent this. I don't understand why this is happening. I hate feeling guilty for feeling something.

I reached out tonight to our county caregiver support center because I honestly don't know how much more I can take.
I can't even leave the house now to do anything without her getting upset at me.

I feel like I can't even breathe sometimes.

WHY> WHY is this happening to me? My marriage is over, my kids never want to be around and I have no life. NONE.

Sorry...

Ditto on what MB said baby...You gotta get up and take care of yourself!
You know what MMM Im gonna just be perfectly honest with you...If people and I mean your children cant see that your going through something here then shame on them! Seriously I could never sit idly by and ever watch my mom get to the point you are at whether she went off on me or not I knew when there was a problem and acted....Fast to prevent this from becoming a full blown problem. Your crappy ex I know this is hard its like someone died but hes still there alive and kicken and in your face....your mourning the loss....How long has it been sweetie? I could go into a whole list of reasons why you feel this way but whats the point...
Im gonna give you an excersize to do...
I want you to list 10 things that pissed you off about him (hey if you have more kudos) But I want you to write it down! With the exception of mom I want you to list 10 things you have gained here and I mean great things good things alright things....Ill give you a couple off the top right now
1) Independence
2) Less freakin laundry (especially the skid marks)
4)NO Socks and clothing left on the floor near the hamper
Do I need to bring out the big guns here?!
Come on Baby I want a list....Show me the stuff your made of...remember
WE ARE WOMEN HERE US ROAR!! Say it with me!!
Im not gonna send you love and hugs until I see a list here! Come on baby

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bunnys_grl,

I agree with MB on all counts.
Reach out for help! As for the antidepressant thing, I would be a basket case if I didn't have mine!

MM&M - sounds like thiungs are closing in on you. You made a good decision in reaching out! Hopefully, the local group can help you find some assistance and relief. You sound very depressed... have you spoken with a doc about how bad you are feeling? I think it'd be a good idea 'cause you may need some anti-depressant therapy to help you pull out of this funk.

Hang in there and know that you are not alone - we've all felt very close to the edge at times. Try to be patient with yourself - things won't change overnight, but you are heading in the right direction for assistance.