I hate the father of my childen. he is not responsiable or careing for or with our children he acts as if I had these children by myself and its starting to piss me off to the point that I want to hurt him almost wissing that he was dead so that my children could collect the social security cheek he just doesn't know how it makes me feel knoeing that he was man enough to creat a life but now is not responsiable enough to help raise and support our children . Ipisses me off that I have to work two jobs and go to school full time and he doesn't help. Night's like this I wish HE WAS DEAD

Spring is here, the sun is out today, and Mom is outside doing her beloved gardening. AD is slowly taking her away, she can't remember a whole lot, but she still loves her flowers and digging in the dirt. Thank God for the changing seasons, now she has a bit of joy to pass the day instead of confusion and forgetfulness. How long before she can't do even this anymore? When she is gone, will I be able to look at the spring flowers without sadness?

Amen. I was married to a "triflin bastard", got rid of him long ago. Watching my Mom leaving slowly and grieving her one tiny bit at a time is far worse than that was. AD is a horrible affliction. What is worse, severe pain, or loss of dignity?

OH POLEASE . . . Give me a fucking break! If getting rid of AD or the person afflicted . . . were as easy as getting rid of a trifflin bastard!!!

Hello my name is Jackie.I don't think any of you can compare to what I'm going through.My man has left me for my 304 sister.Before he left me I caught him in my bed on my clean sheets with my male boss.I hate that triflin basterd. I had his Five kids and only One of them actually obey me and she is only three.The rest of them all tried to kill me.They learned it from there dad.Ain't that bout a B****!!but that ain't gone happen again see since I bought this butchers knife.The next time a man loves me and leaves me so quick MMMH.I'm gone chop of his balls and cut off his dick.I'm a run him over with my EXPO.So ya'll better beware!!!!!!



To the person two comments below--- I know how how you feel, I'm feeling exactly the same way. I'm so lonely. No one understands what it's like and people say hurtful things unintentionally, but it still hurts and makes me feel terribly alone. Some people think that if you get an occasional break, it must not be that hard. A break does nothing to help the horrible disease,the suffering, the isolation and lonliness, hopelessness and despair. My mother used to just watch TV and eat and repeat things too. Now she's at the point whre she can't watch TV because she doesn't understand it, and she talks only nonsence and she is frustrated and suspicious all the time. It's so painful to watch, just to see her angry shell in termoil and agony. My nerves are shot too, but I have to say, this wall is helping me because for the first time I am seeing how there are people who feel exactly lke I do. There are so many posts where I think, that's me - I could have written that. Becasue of these past years, I'm no longer the same person, and I don't know who I will become. So many years of stress, it takes its toll.

What has become of my life? My joy is gone, all I feel is a constant state of panic and despair. I am constantly rushing around taking care of her needs, my own life is gone. This has been going on for years now, when will it end? By the time she dies, I will be close to it also. No one comes to see her anymore, this is the loneliest I have ever been in my life. My friends have abandoned me, I don't have time to just be happy and carefree. What kind of life is this for her? She is not the same person she was, just this shell that can't think or function. All she does is eat and watch tv and repeat the same things over and over, but never completing the sentence. I am going to be crushed by this depression, my nerves are shot, and I feel like sleeping all the time. If I had any guts, I would just end it all for the both of us.

My mother decides that because I moved back in with her to take care of her, that I have to live by the rules I lived by when I was sixteen. No men after 11pm, and she wants me back in the house by 12. She sucks. I hate her guts. I just want to leave and to get away from everything that has "mom" attached to it. I mean, I love her more than anything. But I also don't like her a bit. At first I felt guilty for this, but the more I started thinking about it, the more I felt justified. I am my own person. She is in no way mentally handicapped, so she should know that things DEFINITELY have changed since I became a woman. It just really makes me ANGRY. I am not satisfied living at home with her anymore. I have to get out and leave her by herself, old age or no. I'll just move downtown and still be in the neighborhood. For goodness sake, I'm only in my 20's! I should be able to live my own young life, don't you think?

.....I feel angry on behalf of every person who has had to put life on hold to become a caretaker who gets no relief. (If you get relief, this doesn't apply to you.) I hate it that you are working double time (many of you), stretched tight as a drum, doing and doing. Let me encourage you all to let your anger out here with gusto; I read every post and just shook my head in amazement at what some of you do, and have to deal with so very often. I don't know how you do it all, and you have my support for to be strong, and sympathy for your sadness, anger...mixed emotions. .....I'm also angry at the people who come on to the ANGER WALL and tell people they shouldn't be so angry!!! Or preach or lecture; especially lectures from 22 year olds who have not even lived yet. Whooowee, how you all keep from laying into those types of people, I don't know. .....What I've read here just makes me more sure than ever that I do NOT want to live with AD, to rob someone I love of their life so that mine can continue to go down hill. I sincerely hope that some sort of assisted-suicide will be made legal soon, so that at least I can die as easily as my dog did when I had to put her to sleep. It scares me a LOT to think I could be trapped not with a disease that would ensure my death in a short time, but with something that would let me live on but kill my brain/soul. I am 50 now, and pretty much ready to die now; the rest of life will, with my health history and family history, just be a string of illnesses, moving from one to the other. Most of the people I love are doing pretty well, I don't feel that I need to stay around to see them through anything, child is grown. .....All good luck and hopes to each of YOU. I don't have traditional religious beliefs, but I will pray for all of you to get mercy and much needed help. SN

So... I go to visit my mom in the ALF... and when she gets up from the bed, I notice a BIG HUGE yellow stain on her brand new white quilt. I checked and realized that the bed had been soaked down to the mattress pad, but had been left to dry by "housekeeping" (who's JOB it is to come in everyday to make the bed and empty the trash). Mind you, I have already hired TWO outside caregivers-- one for bathing and escorting, and another for laundry (both services are included in the rent I pay for "assisted living") .... THIS WAS THE LAST F***ING STRAW!.... Unfortunately, I had already paid the exhorbidant rent for April... but I immediately gave my 30-days notice in writing, and looked for a new place to move her. I found an excellent, 6-bed, board and care home... paid the rent... and moved her. The old place refused to give me a refund and when I complained to the Director, that they had charged me for services they had never provided... the bastard had the nerve to tell me that "it was my word against theirs"!!!!.... (I'm so glad she's outta there.... the place is a hell-hole)....... the new place is great...so, please don't lecture me, and tell me that I shouldn't have moved her to a home... I come here to dump this crap because I have found that this is one of the only places where there are other people who understand how hard it is to watch someone's personality disappear and slowly die from this disease... and in my case, I too, am dealing with abuse issues from my childhood, while at the same time trying to cope with this insidiouis disease that eats the brain like pac-man eats dots...I find little or no fairness, sympathy, or understanding from any of the so-called experts, working in the CGing field... most of them are opportunistic bastards that feed like vultures upon the misfortune of others... (and there is a special place in hell waiting just for them)...

I have been having a har time with my mother again. Everytime she gets around Brian she act as if her kids don't matter. We went to the mall to buy my brother some new shoes and as we were leaving she ask if I want to eat at Arbys. I said no because I don't eat meat reamember. She got all mad and told me to knock it off. I have my family birthday party tomorrow and Brian is coming I don't want him there. I don't feel comfortable around him. They are wanting to move in togetter and Brian want to bring his son up from Cali to live with us. I don't want to move in with Brian because I think he will try to act like my Father. We were driving to tacoma last weekend and he said that he was going to spank me. I said the hell you will. Well ok bye

I thought I'd be ready for these last days/weeks after Dad's slow decline over the past ten years. But now he's declining so badly and we've decided to stop meds except for pain and agitation and try to locate a hospice. And it is really harder than it has been any time so far. It is such a horrible, mutilating disease, taking away everything he is slowly, turning him into a person I don't recognize. My sadness angers me, the slow death process angers me, my brothers anger me because they are so lazy about real help, the director of the nursing home angers me--he is a minister but treats us and Dad so insensitively! Some "man of God"!

At this rate, I'll die sooner than she will. Then who will take care of this mess?

Praying is like talking into a telephone when there is no one at the other end. No one can hear me.

My family helps me out ONE LOUSY TIME in years by driving her to an MD appt, so that I won't miss ANOTHER DAY OF WORK because of her illness, so I guess they think that entitles them to lecture me on what she needs, how to do this and that, why haven't I taken care of this, as if there were more than 24 hours in a day, suddenly they are all experts on her care. I have a swell idea, why not take over since they seem to know better than I do. Then they bitch because I don't visit. I HAVE NO FUCKING SPARE TIME TO VISIT!!!!!!!

Oh i just hate stupid hoes that just say what they will to get on your nerves just so they can have a higher self image. oh i also hate people who stare and are nosey, not to mention the jealose one who wants my man and cant have him . So as the song goes F***k it all f**k this world F**k everything you stand for dont belong dont give a S**t dont ever judge me



They're all driving me nuts. Some days she's fine and some days she's not. It pisses me off when she out of the blue starts chewing me out. She almost seems coherent when she does it. Sometimes I wish she would go.

I need help why is my mother doing this to me and why would she think that i would do that i cant believe her. Why is my aunt even listen to her she not telling the whole truth and i want everything back like it was my aunt wont event take to me anymore if my mother just would have read the rest of the letter and she would understand i know i shound have writen those thing but why would she think that i tell put nah im just trippen

To the person below- After reading your story, my heart goes out to you, you've had to go through so much. You've given alot to all the members of your family, and while you still have a sick sister to worry about, there may be a couple of things you can do to imrove your situation. I'm not making excuses for your sister, but I can tell you that I've known people with mental illness, and it really sounds like your sister is mentally ill. There is one thing I KNOW. It really is very hard, if not impossible for mentally ill people to work and clean, and do all things necessary to take care of themselves and others. I can't emphasize this enough! It isn't laziness or meaness, or lack of caring, they just CAN'T. You might not be able to tell, but under the surface there is a nightmare going on. So, I wouldn't take her &%$#@ personal, I would think of her as an ill person. Also, legally, you DO have a right to sell the house. See a lawyer. You can sell the house, split the profits, and maybe your sister can get a small single. If you can bear to cut her loose, you can still visit her and offer support to her, but keep a healthy distance. You sound like a very caring person. Good Luck.

I'm 42 years old and I've been through it all. My mother started getting sick when I was 10 years old. It was my and my sister's responsibility to take care of the house and go to school while our alcoholic father roamed the seas working on ships. Yeah, he got to see it all, while he left the 3 of us home,with no money, no way to get around and a house to take care of. It was a two family house where his mother lived upstairs. She worked and couldn't be bothered with us. Mom never drove and didn't work, so we had to rely on him for everything. When he finally decided to find a job at home, he spent most of his time in bars. Whenever he came home, we'd run, even the dog would hide. I remember an Easter Sunday when I was little, being dragged out of bed in the wee hours of the night, to finish scrubbing walls because it wasn't good enough. His mother was a clean nut and had nothing in her house. Meanwhile,4 people and a dog lived on our one floor. How many nights did we have to pick Dad up out of the driveway after he fell. Nothing was ever good enough for him. Dad finally went to AA when I was in high school. It turned his life around. Mom died at 66, after a lifetime of ailments. None ever taken care of properly. Mom was the sweetest lady you could ever meet. But after a life like hers, she became depressed and tried to drink herself to death. Not only did she have problems with her legs- phlebitis, vericose veins removed, deteriorated knee caps, swelling, she had shingles, nerve damage, a crushed shoulder, deafness in one ear, arthritis, diabetes, back pains, deteriorated retinal problems causing loss of eyesight, and finally when she fell down the stairs and broke her finger and bruised her face, we found out she had no circulation to her legs. After bypass surgery, Mom spent almost a month in the hospital, on a strict diet. 7 hours after she was released from the hospital, she died from a massive heart attack. If I had only known, I would have given her anything she wanted. Even that Big Mac and her cigerettes. I Love You Mom and I Miss You So Much!!! Gramma lived upstairs and after my mother died, we got closer. She was always healthy until she was 91. For the next 4 years I took care of her the best I could. When she no longer was able to walk herself, I carried her to the commode, which was in her room (the living room was converted). When I finally herniated a disc in my back, Dad finally got an aide to live with her 24/7. In December of 96, just before Christmas, I got a call from the aide that Gramma was going to a nursing home. I had been thrown out of the house by my father, after all that I had done for the family and he didn't want me to have any knowledge of what he was doing. I found out he did this because he had Cancer and didn't know how long he would live. I begged for him not to put her there. Gramma pleaded with me in the ambulance that she wanted to go home. I cried. We took her to her new home, where she didn't get the proper care, was sick and they finally lost her false teeth. After 4 months there, she finally deteriorated to the point that she just went into a coma and died. Only 4 months earlier she was fine. I blame my father. I worked 45 minutes away and was the only one to go see her. I'm sorry Gramma, I Love You! My father was diagnosed with Liver Cancer and got treatment. It didn't last. The last few years of his life, we got closer, but he never really talked to me. He never let me know what he felt or how bad he was. His girlfriend stayed over the night before he had his heart attack. He just signed up with hospice and had a DO NOT RESUSCITATE, NO FLUIDS on his living will. Because the paperwork was not available, he was resuscitated and intravenous was given. I was called at work. He laid in the hospital and I spent every minute with him. Again, my sister was never around; not for Mom, Gramma and now Dad. Finally there was an Ethical Board Hearing because he was not supposed to get fluids. I kept telling them that since he was already hooked up, leave him alone, he would starve to death and he was slowly getting better. Their answer was, if he can feed himself, he'll live. He was in a coma. No one would listen to me. Not even the lawyer. Finally Dad woke up and was surprised that he was in the hospital. The one day that he was speaking and sitting up, was the day the stupid hospital had the power shut off for major maintenance. It was the hottest day in August. Dad was so uncomfortable. The next day he started to slip away and they started to give him Morphine. My sister was convinced that he was getting better and went on vacation and wouldn't leave us the phone number where she was staying out of state. When he died, she wasn't there. We had to hold the funeral till she finally came home. Thank God Dad made his own arrangements. I tried Dad, I Love You! I lost everyone that I loved. My selfish sister does nothing. She didn't help then and she doesn't help now. I feel all alone. We got the house and it needs repair. I've been paying for everything and every time I ask for her share, we have a hugh fight. The walls need repair after water damage from a storm years ago and she won't let me up there. She hasn't washed a dish in 4 years and her rooms are full of dirt, junk and piles of mail. She doesn't pay her bills, won't answer her phone and is mentally ill. If I ever want to sell the house and move away, I can't. I love my sister, but she hates me. She stays up all night and keeps me awake and I can't work a job without sleep. I can't rent out the first floor because no one would ever put up with her. Besides, why should I have to move out of my own home. She won't help me clean out Dad's stuff, but she claims half of it is hers. She tells me that I should get rid of my stuff so she can put her stuff in the attic. NO WAY! She is the only family I have left and she has an anger problem. She refuses to go to work. She hasn't worked in years and claims she's too sick to work. Yet she's not too sick to go on vacation twice a year. Vacation from what? She doesn't work. What can I do. I have to go back to work. I took time off after Dad died because I needed too. Now I have to take care of myself. After a lifetime of taking care of others, I have no idea what to do with my life. I am drained. I can't go into healthcare, I couldn't go through that as a profession. But it's seems that's what I have the most experience in. The best thing I did after I lost my father was go for counseling. It helped so much. I should tell everyone that it is the best thing you can do. My sister is now on medication for Obsessive/Compulsive behavior and depression. Last month she wound up being admitted to the psychiatric ward for a weekend for observation. After three years of living with her outbursts, fights and death threats, I was so relieved to see that she was finally going to get the help she needed. After the doctor begged for me to come in and talk to her to convince her to stay, she was let go. I was told that according to state law, since she cooperated with them, took her meds and wasn't a threat to herself and others, they couldn't hold her. Meanwhile, she doesn't wash, doesn't eat, threatens my life and harasses me and others constantly... but there is nothing I can do, legally. My boyfriend wants us to get married, but he claims I have to be able to keep a job. Every time I worked for someone, something happened and I was the first one let go, since I was the last one hired. He didn't know me before when I was working long term for a company. He only met me when I was going to hair school and working part time. Then when I couldn't work in the hair salon because of allergies, I went to work in banking. After two years they hired a new CEO and he down sized the company. 30 people left and I was one of them. Now my boyfriend thinks I can't keep a job. Now he's looking at this mess I have with my sister and the house and I think he's thinking about our future. We've been seeing each other for 9 years. I think it's time. He still lives with his family and everything is fine. I think any family that doesn't have any problems is strange. Or is that a real normal family? Finally, I just want to say to those caring for others: I know you feel like you are not having a life, you aren't getting any help, your life is going no where, you are not alone. I have given my life to my family and now they are all gone. I miss them terribly. Even after the days that Gramma didn't recognize me or Mom and I fought because she was drinking or even those lasts days with Dad in a coma... I wouldn't want to relive them, but I wouldn't wish they never happened. Those were hard times. VERY HARD TIMES that I went alone or so I thought. I truly believe that God was with me every single day. Those were the times that I didn't have my religious beliefs as I do now. God truly doesn't give you more than you can handle. I believe this is all a test and that how we come out is what kind of person we really are. I miss my family so much. Their illnesses were hard to handle. But you, as a care giver, means that you have a beautiful soul and a hugh heart. Don't feel bad if you want to have a break, you deserve one. Don't worry about those relatives that don't help, they will feel guilty later, or perhaps they do now and truly don't know how to handle what you are handling. YOU ARE THE STRONG ONE! GOD HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU! THIS IS YOUR TEST, HERE ON EARTH. Have patience, show love and let your loved ones know you love them. Even if they don't recognize you, it's their mind not their soul. You will realize after their gone, how much you cared and how hard you tried. It's all you can do. You're only human. Be Well. Good Luck!

i'm not a care giver but my grandpa has alzheimers and i hate it how he doesnt know me anymore! he will call me "sir" or refer to me as "him" or "he" i get so upset! WHY DOES GOD HATE ME SO MUCH TO DO THIS TO MY ROLE MODEL, MY GRANDPA!!!!!I HATE IT SO MUCH!!!!!!

so tired.....this is so much worse than a baby....

My family despises me because they say I am controlling there lives, imposing my will on them. I am making choices that cost them their lives. Please! They resent me because I insist Mom is not going in a home. That decision infuriates them, because I am insisting, and it causes them to have more stress and responsibility. They can't just put it all behind them yet, because of me. They don't live with her... but they have to drop by once a month and call occasionally, not much more. It would be so much easier if Mom were in a home- they'd be free. How dare I have this control over their lives. It's a very weird way they percieve things. I don't want Mom in a home, and i do almost everything and I don't ask the to do anything. Despite my personal feelings, I don't lay guilt trips, they do it to themselves. I don't really care. Well, atleast, I don't feel guilty. Not one bit. It amazes me how people think they have no responsibility to anyone but themselves and how infuriated they get if they have any obligations outside themselves. I know I have some humanity left because of the compasssion I feel for my mother. She was a terrible mother, but not evil. She just was a bad mother due to her own baggage and limitations. I am free because despite her bad mothering, I feel only compassion. I get mad sometimes, but whenever I get mad, I stop, and look at her as a human being,a soul, flesh and blood, who is having her sanity torn from her and she is utterly helpless. She has tried her best to hold it together but she can't anymore. I remember who she was, the good and the bad. If I think too much the horror of what she is living would be too much. Mom, you were an awful mother, but I forgive you for everything. Mt heart is torn apart to see you lose your self. I put myself in your shoes and I cry as I imagine what it must be like and how awful so many people treat you. If this is cruel "justice", God is mean. God is heartless.

It is going in cycles- she is back in an upswing- woohee- a little ray of light. Hope it lasts.

It was Dads 88th birthday. I was going to take him out to lunch. He refused to go without his wife. He hasn't had a wife in over 25 years. I tried everything. He did not go. I was so upset. I went and has something to eat-(my way of hadling problems) came back and I don't even think he remembered me being there. I did find my family picture in the garbage though. I think he knew at that moment what he was doing. We had cake at the home and we left. I was so upset!!!

I have a theory. I think bad people get it to bring their true inner selves to the public eye. they can no longer hide the evil inside themselves. THAT's why god would do it. My dad has it... or maybe not. He's a manipulator, always has been. he uses it to justify the craziness he's always had and shown to his family, but hidden so well from the outside. He's trash and he's one of these people others probably wonder WHY he's alone... until they make the mistake of giving him a chance, then he sucks them in and still, to this day, being 86 will find your weak spot and hit it with a fucking bazooka. I nearly ruined my health permanently trying to take care of him while KNOWING what an evil bastard he was. Every day i struggled with myself while i struggled with him. The SECOND I said no to one of his ridiculous crazy making "do for me constantly" demands he turned on me, threatened to disinherit me, told me i was nothing and i never cared about him, etc. Well, life's too short. I cut those bastards (he and my mother both) off when I was 16 and limited their toxic access to me to monthly visits OUT of my house and weekly chats. Now he gets NOTHING. He bought me as a child, trained me to be emotionally dependent on him, then used my emotions against me every chance he got. He's evil trash... oh, and by the way. He's a cop and my mom was a nurse. what looks good on the surface is often evil personified. I HATE HIM and I WANT HIM DEAD. He doesn't deserve to live and he certainly doesn't deserve even ONE more chance to dump on me. No wonder god didn't give him a child... he had to BUY one. SAVE YOURSELF!!!! Get them somewhere where their evilness can't kill you and save yourself. YOU are worthwhile. Stop complaining, don't listen to the guilt... save YOURSELF. And have a nice day.

To get up and do it again tomorrow. I can't. Same stories, same routine, same despair, same lost look, same pain, same disgust, same anger, same dread, same loss of hope. How will we pick up the pieces whan this is over..

tired and exhausted of living and breathing death. living slow death. a good friend is almost at the end of her journey. i am so full of sorrow, why her? of course i know that i won't get an answer. mil is slowly dying. tired of dealing with the complexities of dementia with her. tired of looking at her confused face and standing by and not being able to bring her any real help or comfort. tired of having no life and thinking of death all the time. sick of people so out of it that they have no clue , and yet selfishly think of themselves only. tired of the bad choices people make, and how their choices drag me down, when i'm already at the bottom. how low can i go? i can't go any lower. we sit here and just wait for the "what's next?' in our lives. it is a relentless storm that has so wrecked and devastated. i know that someday it will end and be all over. i know that this will all pass and mabe i will be able to pick up my pieces and go home. tired of the crap others give out. tired of their blindness, deafness, and dumbness. tired of being the one to have the courage under fire. need a replacement for me and there is none. tired of ignorance in others, tired of good intentions that majorly suck, that do more harm than good. why? why so much? no answers to come. i endure, i hate that i endure. i stand fast and be a friend to me. the loneliness of these bitter feelings is a burning fire within me. this baptism of fire. will i be dumped on even here for just expressing the depths of my feelings? i have to get this stuff out so i can walk free of it. tired of being misunderstood,tired of being blamed for something i don't even do. i am not as strong as i once was. what do i need and want? i need a break from the insanity of living and breathing death, of watching others dying slowly. wishing that the family would be healthy enuff to help but won't. lousy cards dealt by fate. one finds one destiny in the road he takes to avoid it. i'm a confronter and secret breaker. i expose those hidden things, i'm tired . i guess i will need to take a step back and re-evaluate. what do i need and want? what i really need and want is not happening so i must lower my sights. i will quietly go away now.

I hate everyone. I will never trust anyone ever again!Men suck!

I can relate to how you feel having to pay your brother to take care of his mother. My family has said I had better take what I can get (the little help they offer).



bad day!!!! mom had another seizure again.drs say she'll have them for the rest of her life. this one at 5am. why the H***L do they always happen in the middle of the D***N night???? so i'vebeen up since 5 am. went to emergency ONCE AGAIN I HAD TO HANDLE THIS ALL BY MYSELF!!! MY aide did bring us home. 3X in 5 mos at emergency. now on new med that i have to watch for side effects for. hope this doesnt interfere w/her going to day center. if it does she'll have to go to nursing home. I HAVE TO WORK!!! I HAVE 15-20 YEARS OF WORK TO GO my whole thing as long as she can go to day center cause i cannot and will not stay home 24/7 to take care of her. i'd be a basket case. its wearing me down.called my HAND OUT- SISTER CANT YOU SPARE A DIME brother to sit w/her while i got her meds. in the midst of this he asks me for money. just paidhim $80 fortaking care of her(his regular pay) now he asks for 1/2 of what he gets on tues. SO d***n SICK OF HIS a** BUT I NEED HIM AND HE KNOWS IT. HE EATS UP EVERY DAMN THING HE GETS HIS HANDS ON AND LEAVES MY HOUSE WORSE THAN WHEN I LEFT. SICK OF MY CONTROL FREAK SIL ALWAYS CALLING TO CHECK UP ON WHERE HE IS. FOOL!!!HE SITTING ON MY COUCH LOOKING AT TV SUPPOSEDLY TAKING CARE OF HIS MOM. NEVER BOTHERS TO HELP ALWAYS HAVE SOME SMART a** REMARK TO MAKE ALWAYS WHINING ABOUT MONEY/LACK OF IT HOW MY BROTHER DONT DO THIS DONT DO THAT!! h**l YOU MARRIED HIM. HE WASNT DOING THIS OR THAT WHEN YOU MET HIM!!! I'M SICK TO DEATH OF ALL OF THEM!!! GOT NASTY W/MGR AND CLERK AT DRUGSTORE AND D**NIT IT FELT GOOD! BEEN HOLDING ON TO MY PATIENCE TOO LONG. HOLDING IT FOR WHAT!!! NURSE AT ER SAYS I DONT KNOW HOW YOU DO IT YOU'RE SO PATIENT TOLD I LEARNEDTO BUT NOT ALWAYS. BE GLAD WHEN ALLTHIS IS OVER.I PLAN TO GO AWAY AND NOT BE BOTHERED BY ANYBODY. GOING TO HAVE A BIOPSY, BEEN PUTTING OFF TIL I GOT MOM STRAIGHTENED OUT. CANT PUT OFF ANY LONGER. PRAY IT IS NOT CANCER.IF IT IS, MOM'S GOING TO A NURSING HOME. I'LL NEED ALL MY STRENGTH.TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND MYSELF WILL MAKE ME HAVE A BREAKDOWN.

I am frustrated because my family does not give me any help. They continue on about their lives as though they don't have a family member with this condition.

I felt good when I went to see my mother because I felt like I was going to help my sister and my Dad take care of her because she is so feeble and they are so tired of doing it themselves. But , why did I have to get into a fight with my sister? It was such a simple silly thing. But now I am beginning to think that whenever I have spats with my sisters that it always seems to happen after Mom and Dad have a bitter argument. They have never hit each other, but the angry words sting so much and cause so much pain for everyone around them. Why don't they have a clue that they have needed marriage counseling their whole married life? I don't think my sister and I were really that angry at each other. We were just feeling the stress of mom and dad's angry words, and Mom's wasted physical condition. I have so much pain when Dad butts in when I have an argument with my sister and I always am made to feel like it's my fault just because I am the oldest. He had the nerve to talk to me like I was a bratty teenager, and I am a 54 yr. old menopausal woman. And then Mom had the nerve to ask me what I said to my husband when he called me on the phone after the big flair up. If she is upset when I told her it was none of her business, that is too bad. I am not obligated to tell my mother what I say to my husband. Why does she think she has to know everyone's business? All she cares is what people think of her. Ever since that horrible wreck we were in together it has been all about her needs, never mine. Just because I had no real injuries besides a black eye and a few bruises and chipped tooth, they acted like nothing ever happened to me. I just don't understand how that happened. Why was I supposed to act like an adult before I was ready? My mother doesn't have alzheimers, but I am writing on this wall anyway, because I am so frustrated and I have to get my self in shape mentally for continuing to teach a lesson on the Holy Spirit at church tomorrow for the ladies. Oh, God, have mercy on me and take away this angry feeling. Why can't my parents see what their arguing has done to me all these years? I am so sick of it I sometimes feel like I don't want to see them again until they get their act together. The pain in my shoulders started even before my argument with my sister. I was the daughter who had to watch Mom pace around when I was growing up and watch her fear when Dad got angry and would drive off in the car so many times when I was a kid. He needed counseling in anger management, but he never got it. They just keep falling into the same old patterns. I think the reason Mom hasn't died yet is because God is giving them a chance to get it right , but they don't see it yet. They just don't get it. Why don't they see that their kids probably wouldn't argue if they didn't. We learned this behavior from them. God, please open their eyes and let them get counseling. They are from that generation that doesn't trust psychiatry.

To the writing above I meant just can't go on taking care of him I just want my life back

I just found this wall, and let me tell you it is refreshing, I am caring for my 57 year old husband (being 15 years his junior) and I am feeling the crush of picks disease. Now I know I am not alone, I have found such diversity here, I too am tired of it and I know I have a long way to go. Some days I just don't want to do it anymore and some days I get so many laughs from him..I guess the key phrase here is to HANG IN THERE this too shall pass (although sometimes it doesn't like I can go on)

Jesus abandoned this world and left us with the spoils, brother. There is no way Jesus created AZ, it is a freak mistake. I am angry because he either can't or won't eliminate these horrendous diseases that cause so much suffering. What is worse, extreme pain, or loss of dignity and leaving your last memories of you to your family as someone who doesn't know anything but to eat, breathe, and defecate where ever. Leaving the last feelings your loved ones will have as guilt that you didn't die sooner. I quit praying a long time ago.

i hate alzhimers because it's killing my favorite grandmother!!

trust jesus?????I haven't seen jesus at my door to give me a break from caregiving.If "jesus" gives you peace, BULLY FOR YOU, but shut up and fon't tell me what jesus can do for me. jesus hasn't done one good thing for me and don't spout about him giving me life, blah blah blah.What jesus has done is push me to the limit by inflicting this beyond horrific disease on my mother.and while I'm at it, I want to punch the shit out of people who say "god doesn't give you more than you can handle".What about people in mental hospitals or people who kill thier entire families or roomsful of strangers??? You think maybe they had more than they could handle???It takes almost more than I have to not get in my car and go and not come back.Give your anger to jesus, SHIT!!Why doesn't jesus give me some HELP and let my mother die all at once instead of brain cell by brain cell???

"trust Him with your life." ?????? Who are you, pangloss?trust Him to give her alzheimer's? trust Him to make it nice and painful for everyone? trust Him to let us watch the slow suffering and the lost of her personal dignity? trust Him to let us witness her put feces in her mouth? trust Him to have her in her illness through a cast iron skillet at a 3 year old? yeah, right. instead of "transforming my heart" so I can accept all this shit, i rather he use his powers for less misery causing projects.

i was angry at my husband but the Lord Jesus Christ has placed peace in my heart and i can say that I love Him even though things are tough.

Jesus Christ is the only one in this world who is able to take away the anger we all face. With His peace we are able to overcome all anger that is not constructive. The anger of man does not work the righteousness of God. Come to Jesus and ask him to give you power over your anger and he will transform your heart if you will trust Him with your life.

I hate life- there is no kindness left in anyone. Just selfishness- why can't I be the one to die?

Thank God - I now realise that my feelings are normal - I read the wall through streams of tears and can relate to each entry. I love my dad but it is time for him to die - for his own dignity as well as my sanity - even so - how DO you ever ever regain what you had before the caring time? How can one possibly feel "together" post caring? I have the premonition that "lost" will describe me.

Well, trying to date and be a caregiver is like juggling feathers and bowling balls. The man I am, or was, involved with said I spend too much time with my Mom, and casually wanted to know if she was ready to "drop". "Not as soon as I will drop you", was my response. What an asshole.

I just go done talking to my step mom. I love her to death. While I was talking to my dad ask when I was going to come back to Cali. an live with him I live with in Washington with my mom. I told him when I moved up her that I was staying for high school. I think I would move back down there with him if he stop drinking. The only reaon why he ask ig I was moving back down there was because he was drinking. I wish he would stop. The doctors say that if he keeps drinking like heis then he is going to die. I don't want that to happen. I keep asking himn to quite but he won't. ok well I have to go . amybaby

My mother aways insulted me, since i was a little girl. i usually behaved just fine, but it seemed to get her real pissed off when i was just being myself. she'd ridcule my opinions, mock my ideas, sneer, shake her head in disgust at any individuality I expressed. When she got Alzheimer's it became more inane. One time she looked at me and yelled, "you're crazy! you're crazy!" . It made no sense. It drove home to me that everything she said to me was stuff she feared about for HERSELF. Now, she can no longer talk but she can still take out her anger. As I lovinly help her, she glares at me with hatred. I smile and say, "Oh mom, I love you, don't be mad" and she bears her teeth and snarls. She maks a huge effort to make her face as hateful as possible. Lord, give me strength. Lord, if You're going to let her have a disease that slowly destroys her mind and her body, why not let her atleast have some pace of mind?

It's Me I lost my poppa on June 6 again. It is getting more and more difficult for me. I no longer have a job I am caring for my mother on a daily basis. Sometimes she is cool and other times she is down right mean. She keeping wanting to go back over to her house. I really do not mind her going except a while back before my father died there were gas fumes in the house and she refused to come out of the house. I don't feel like having to fight with her to get her out of the house once she goes over there. If she had just came to stay with me to begin with she would not have fell and broke her shoulder. She refused to have the surgery done until the break was abouat two month old and by that time the bone had started to mend and there was danger of damaging the main nerve in her arm. The doctor scheduled it let us take the necessary test for the surgery and before we could get home from the test he called and said he had decided against it after speaking with his colleagues. She can be very stubborn and I just dont need this. I watched 7th Heaven today and it was about the death of her mother and how she felt like she had lost her mother and father when her mother died. I can relate to that. That is how I feel too. All I want to do is enjoy the time we have left and all she wants to do is complain. She always does it when my fiance leaves the house. If she knows he is here she doesn't do it. And as always she can alway make me cry. She takes pride in that I think. Her head is so messed up that she thinks that when poppa signed a power of attorney for me that he took the property away from her. She didn't really understand what was going on with him and he was just giving me some power to make decisions for him as him. The property is in her name and her name only. I'm afraid that if I put my name on it even though she has told me to put it all in my name I am reluctant because she may say she didn't say that. She too has signed a power of attorney. See the day of poppa's wake she hurt her hand and had to be taken to emergency and had so get a power of attorney because the bank wouldn't let me sign her name to anything. She doesn't understand that she didn't sign anything away when she signed so why did he. I am so tired. I just want to enjoy her last days. All she talks about is dying I have told her that I don't want to hear it anymore. I want my poppa back. I know that isn't possible but if I could have one wish it would be my wish. I don't go anywhere or do anything but deal with her. Saturday we went to a birthday party and she accused my cousin of talking about her. I don't know if I am doing the right thing when I tell her she is forgetting but I think she needs to know. Any time you can't remember two emergency room visits and one overnight stay at the hospital, to pay your taxes, to pay 3 months telephone bill, doctor bills and the likes you are forgetting. But to let her tell it she didn't forget and I'm a liar. A big liair and I am going around telling everyone she is crazy. I have never told anyone she was crazy. Pray for us. Pray Until Something Happens

I FEEL THAT I GET USED. AND AS LONG AS I AM DOING SON=METHING FOR THEM I AM A GREAT PERSON, AND A S SOON AS I SAY NO, THEN I AM TOLD THAT I AM MEAN AND A BITCH. I FEEL AS IT I HAVE TO DO THINGS TO PLEASE OTHERS AND THEY DON;'THAVE TO DO ANYTHING NICE FOR ME. WHY IS IT THAT I FEEL THAT I HAVE TO CONTROL EVERYTHING AND THAT EVEN THEN IT IS NOT REALLY GOOD ENOUGH? I NEED TO CHANGE THE EAY THAT I AM OR EVERYONE AROUND ME WILL WANT TO LEAVE. I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE. I NEED HELP NAD NEED TO START DEALING WITH MY OWN ISSUES.

yes amybaby have a happy birthday and even though you're having a party, try to do something great just for YOU! AND Just ignore that fool and have your friends do so as well (at the party)and have a great time. dont let him spoil the fun! have fun that'll really get him. some people no matter how adult they THINK they are act like children.but i agree counseling would be good.

Amybaby, I don't know if it would be possible, but I wonder if you said yo your Mom, "Mom I'd like to be closer to you and improve our relationship, it would mean a lot to me if we could go to counceling together, the two of us." Then, in counceling bring up your concerns, and maybe the councelor could help her realize that her boyfriend's bad behavior is NOT between you and him...it's your mother's responsibility. Counceling could really help, if you mother tolerates her boyfriend treating you like that, it indicates she has some problems and may need some help. I suggest that you DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER SHE NEEDS HELP, instead, say that you want councelling to help YOU. That way, the idea of counceling might not seem so frightening to her. Good Luck and Happy Birthday.

Thanks for saying something.Yes I have tried ti tell my mom how it makes me feel when her boyfriend calls me thoes names but all she said is that it is between him an me so she won't do anything about it. My birthday is a week in half away and my moms boyfriend has to be at the party. I don't want him there with all my friend. He is so rude to them. I have even ask him not to come I was very nice about it but he is.. Yea about my friend she is doing much better thanks god. ok well I have to go bye. Amybaby

Dear SM, I understand what you mean. Sometimes when we get involved with destructive people, we react to them and start acting like them. But I can tell you are a good person, and you are NOT a hateful bitchy person. If you're acting that way, it's just because you're still figuring out how to deal with those who are miserable to you. IT'S NOT THE REAL YOU. I know that happened to me. I got into a very bad cycle with a relative, then I realized that I had started acting just like them. I guess the important thing is to recognize the good person you really are, it's obvious from your posting that you are a lovable person...when you've figured out how, you will pull yourself out of the cycle, and be free to be YOU. Love, SL

How does one get over past hurts that leave that residual anger and pain. ?? A question that is a challenge for a lot of people ,me included. Letting go and adapting to the fact of being a product of an angry parent who was and still is rejecting, critical and impossible to accomodate let along please. So it seems it is best to accept it as such and try to disapate the residual issues as best as one can thro a very strong sense of spirituality and personal pschological know how. To get over residual anger resulting from someone who was stated to be a good friend but it turns out to be only on her terms as defined by her control issues and dogmatism. She proposes to be a serious Christian........ and yet is judgemental , critical selfish, narcasistic with a bag of psych problems that would keep Freud happy for years (not to mention make him wealthy in the process)...... so am I to see this as an example of what a "christian " is? No way!! If anything , it is quite the opposite of what is demonstrated in person........ being that I am on the topic of "religion" for a moment.... when the heck will people see that spiritual part of a person is not demonstrated thro traditional customs and dogma? It is not the procedure one follows as a follower. It has to be a lot more than that. It has to be the very special essence of what makes one a living being ....no matter if human or nature.... all aspects of nature (including all human beings) are a part of the greater cosmos and greater "TRUTH" IT is how one lives ones life..... in compassion, understanding and general acceptance of others for what they are. And here is where the resolution to some of the anger that I feel at times (both at family and this so called non-friend)..... accept them for what they are and keep ones distance from them for as many a wise person has stated ......Negative people are a vexation to the spirit.... and in the final analysis one is accountable for ones own conduct , choices, and just how much of the negatiave one should put up with in life. Life is far too short and special to surround oneself with negative and counter productive people ....... so it is a question of making the nec. changes in ones current friendships......removing the ones that are a destructive force to ones own being and meeting new and positive and creative people ......carefully examining that it is the way it appears to be. So , it is back to TAKE control of ones own life and let things go with as a positive resolution or simply stay away from negative influences. Gotta be able to cope with these negative narcasistic types as they too are people ........just not ones that are important enough to keep within the perimeter of close friendship. developing a strong sense of personal spirituality ....... and this can not be emphasised