Opinated, If you could find away to have mom evaluated and possibly be put on meds for the anxiety you would see a change.My mother did some of the same things you have shared.
But my mother was always a worrier.Comes with her experiences in her life.
I can tell by your tone this is stressful for you.
I do believe you can find away to make things better for you and her.
Once you get answers for her and possibly see good results things will look a little brighter for you.
It may seem hopeless at this time .The one thing I held onto was hope and knowing there was light at the end of the tunnel.
You sound like someone who feels they are backed into a corner.I so hope you can find answers to help her and that wil help you.

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"But why should I stay alive? Why should any of us stay alive? What is the meaning of life?"

I remember getting one like that once and when she asked it, I told Mom that I had emailed God but he hadn't gotten back to me on that one yet... And we laughed! Never underestimate the power of a good laugh.

sorry, didn't mean to seize on that, but when Mom asked me a few months after Bro's death "Why am I still here?" I told her it was because no one else would give that young (then 22) felon (this is true) a job. She is still with us, and it has mostly been a good thing. Mom finds some fault with her, but I think she believes that if she wasn't there to give the young woman a job, the girl would be on the street as a hooker or something. I guess that is a good reason to live.


I have become a master of "either or" do you want this blouse or that one.? Never ever which blouse do you want. Do you want chicken and gravy or a Salmon cake for dinner. Never ever "What would you like for dinner?"

I read a great book once called "Don't Shoot The Dog" by Karen Pryor as required reading of a mentor in dog training. It became required reading for all of my students. I think it should be required reading for everyone. It sets down the laws of operant conditioning in a concise, easy-to-understand manner that ANYONE can understand. Even people with emotional and neurological difficulties respond more or less (depending on the degree of impairment) to operant conditioning because they are living beings.

When your mother complains, she gets a payoff or the behavior would fade. Certainly neurological damage plays a role, but the behavior CAN be diminished by behavioral modification. She may not be able to help repeating herself (meds can sometimes assist with "circular thinking"), but how YOU respond is the place where a difference can be made. When she complains about breathing exercises and asks why she has to do it, the answer is "Doctor's orders." When she continues to complain, either silence (no payoff) or distraction "Did you see that bluejay at the window, Mom?"

When she frets about her monthly pills, get a pill dispenser that holds a month's supply of meds and either show her the container has plenty, or lock up her meds and dispense them to her and tell her that it is your job to keep them filled. Put a label on the dispenser that has the date they need to be refilled on it. When she asks, show her the date; then when she continues, silence (no payoff) or "Look at that DRESS that woman is wearing on TV!!"

Just because someone sets out the bait does NOT mean you have to bite the hook. Statistically speaking, many incidences of catastrophic fits or psychotic episodes are actually caused by HOW the patient is being managed. Unfortunately (I speak from experience here and have my own hand raised, Guilty as charged), family is thee WORST at managing the annoying cognitive problem behaviors of our elders because we have an established relationship with them. It's like a dance. They step to the right and turn, we step to the left and curtsy, and on it goes. You cannot change your mom. Consider her behavior set in stone. What you CAN change is what YOU are bringing to the interaction. That's where an understanding of behavior modification and personal interactions comes in. It takes some analysis on our parts to see how these things progress and to decide what we can do about changing the chain of events. Sometimes, it's as simple as a sticker on a med box; other times, it may be silence; still other times, we use distraction or "therapeutic lying." Whatever WORKS short of duct tape is our goal. You have to be stubborn and pack your bag with as many tricks as needed to get the result you are looking for. The end game may not be perfect, but you CAN make things better by studying and modifying "the dance."

If your mom wants to know what every med is (and GOOD FOR HER!!), when you give them to her don't wait for her to ask: "Here's your vitamin and stool softener and viagra. Drink the whole glass of water with these." Make short statements to her instead of asking solicitous questions... "Mom, are you ready for your bath?" Jeeze - guess what the answer to THAT one might be... Instead, try "Mom, it's time for your bath. Do you want your pink nightie or the blue one to change into?" If you do ask questions, phrase them so that she picks from a predetermined set of choices - blue or pink. There is no choice given for mandatory events. Anticipating her questions and getting the short explanations out of the way initially WILL save some wear and tear on your nerves. And never forget the power of an "I love you" when times get difficult. It can take the wind right out of her obstinate sails.

You can also use skipping some palliative events as a reward. If she's been REAL good and hasn't given you much crap tha day, maybe skip one breathing treatment or giganto vitamin pill as a reward. Candy and cookies go a long way as rewards for many elders! "When your breathing exercise is over, I have some fresh chocolate chip cookies that SOMEONE is gonna have to eat..."

Taking care of parents is not like any other relationship or job most of us has ever had. Our aging parents are NOT the same as they were back in the day and we're no longer children. WHile it annoys them sometimes to have us "ordering" them around, we have a job to do and must detach from the emotional relationship we have with them to get the job done. They know this game because it's what they had to do with us! Trying to get a kid dressed for school every morning or cram an unwilling toddler's feet into shoes taught them many of the tricks I am referring to above. The trouble is that WE are not accustomed to relating to THEM in that fashion...

Some of the crap ya just have to let slide off you like water on a duck's back. It's part of it and you are doing the best job that you know how as a caregiver AND as a daughter. Hang in there and try a few new tricks and over time, I think things will settle down a little for you and her. Eventually, she may come to trust you - I never thought my independent mom would, but she did - it just took a little training...

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"But why should I stay alive? Why should any of us stay alive? What is the meaning of life?"

I remember getting one like that once and when she asked it, I told Mom that I had emailed God but he hadn't gotten back to me on that one yet... And we laughed! Never underestimate the power of a good laugh.

Oh, re: substituting meds. Not a bad idea but no way. She's been paranoid about that forever. When she was bedridden after Dad's death and was so out of it she would only open her mouth and stick her tongue out for her meds, she'd still make us show her each one and would ask, each time, what each pill was. "This is your vitamin. This is the stool softener. This is the Parkinson's med." She was sure we were going to slip one in on her, so she'd examine each carefully before she would consent.

Schwew. Good to vent to folks who know *exactly* what I'm talking about. I was nice to her all day yesterday without once snapping, so that was good. :-)

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make the statements to her in the first 10-20 seconds anything after that they really dont listen to.

Yes! I've noticed that. You're right -- I'll see how fast I can change the subject from now on, once she's received a reasonable explanation. It's hard, though. I'm stubborn but she's like twelve mules at once!

The scary thing is, I think she's trying to cooperate as best she can so she's not actually complaining aloud of all the things she's complaining of in her head. That is a LOT of complaining. I never have to wonder where I developed my darker side. :-)

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if he prescribed meds for her she wouldn't take them. Her GP told me she's been doing that for many years -- he prescribes something for her complaints of anxiety, then she either doesn't take it or she takes it once, then comes up with a long list of unlikely side effects so she won't take it again.

I can tell you since I dealt with the paranoia end of this is not to take it to heart your doing just fine there by explaining but try to keep it short & to the point, make the statements to her in the first 10-20 seconds anything after that they really dont listen to. Dont question at all, just state facts and dont add emotion into it at times like these treat her just how her PCP does sometimes they like the dramatics if you dont walk into the trap they often times give up the fight. If she chooses not to listen you've done your part remember that sweetie theres absolutely nothing you can do if she doesnt want to listen....
But on the medications I have an idea lets see if it might work.
What if you called the PCP up spoke to him about prescribing this anxiety med *different from the first one you mentioned since it may look the same* fill it and put it in an empty bottle of hers that she will take?
Say the PCP wants to double the dose if she asks, say the mg's are different hence the different looking med and make sure you tell her PCP which one your doing so he/she can note it in the records so that if she happens to ask he/she will be able to back up the well meaning fib your telling her.

I know Marvin. Some people are very happy being miserable. That was an excellent rant. I wanted to cheer near the end. Keep breathing. Deep. In...Out....In...Out.