OP!!!!!
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Repeat, repeat, repeat.
If this is truly the way your mother has been all of your life, it is indeed a struggle to realize that age and her medical problems will not make it any better. Perhaps it is time to stop thinking about her as your Mother.
She is an elderly, sick person who just because of that needs your help, but will not gladly or willingly accept it. It's a struggle for her, too.
Good thinking about the plants and watering can, by the way, and the wiping off of the table.
Can she also wipe off the kitchen counters and bathroom sink? Can she rinse off the dishes and hand them to you to load the dishwasher?
Are your washer and dryer on the same floor level as the rest of the house? Can you hand her the dirty clothes (not one at a time!) and let her load the washer? What about handing her stuff from the dryer so she can fold socks, towels, etc?
I guess what I'm asking you is Does she want to help, in order not to be a burden, or does she do stuff because "you don't do it right" (her way, not yours!)?
She's probably just raging inside, and her words and actions are how she expresses her anger. She doesn't know any other way.
If this is the way she's always been, how did you handle it before? Bite your tongue, ignore it and go on. If this is something you feel is a result of illness and age, bite your tongue, try to figure a way through it, and come back here to vent.
Somebody somewhere said it correctly:
If you think you're going through Hell, DON'T STAND STILL! The very best thing to do is to keep walking!
And don't forget to breathe!

Opiniated, there comes a pont when you have to trust your self to know what is good or bad for her, especially something like a mattress.
When she shows signs of contempt for all you say and do, you have to learn to ignore it.You will not change her so you have to learn how to change your response or non response
Believe me, I had more times then I care to remeber when I hit a brick wall with one of my loved ones.I had to learn to bite my tongue and not feed into their emotions .
I am a companion to a sweet lady who is no push over.If she were to be pushed in the wrong way she would find away to push back.
I am fortunate, so far , to find away to turn things a round.Mostly but feeding her eho with positives, no matter what her original reponse.
I get her to do things by telling her how happy it makes me to see what she can do.
She would never go to the store with me.Wanted to remain in the car.For me that was a no, no.So I told her I fear going in the store and always need someone to go with me.She was so sympathetic, she now goes in with me.I never take long but it does give her a chance to interact with others in the store.
I TOOK SOME WOOD CRAFTS OVER LAST WEEK TO HAVE HER PAINT THEN i DECORATED THEM.sHE WAS SO CONVINCED SHE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO PAINT.i KEPT REASSURING HER SHE WAS A WOMEN WHO COULD DO ANYTHING.She painted a bird house , two hearts which I made into magnets to put on the family frig.The only thing she hated paint on her hands.Once I showed her the paint washes off , she continued on.I will say her dementia is one of forgetting short term .All else she is good.
I do know she has to have some thing to motivate her before she has good spirits.
I know it is not easy.I have experienced it all.
Many times we have to block out their comments.We would love to have them respond in a positive way but that is not a reality we affor our selves.
With this sweet lady and our many conversations of her past I have begun to learn why she responds to things as she doesOn the out side she can project one person, inside there is someone who had built this wall to protect her self and many of her stored emotions.

quote:

Here are a couple of threads on letting them feel useful and keeping them busy. It is a real struggle.

http://eldercare.infopop.cc/eve/forums?m=2171075525&a=tpc&f=5506016051

http://eldercare.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/56360781...771007763#3771007763

I hope they do someone some good. So far, Mom has balked at EVERY suggestion for activity. Every single one. I swear, I think housekeeping was her reason for being and there's nothing I can do about the fact it's beyond her now.

I'm trying to look on the bright side. At least she doesn't make escape attempts and she knows who we are. That's something, I suppose.

Mae, that's good advice but it depends on the patient remembering what you said for as long as five minutes. Both her physical and occupational therapist gave up on her because she couldn't/wouldn't follow instructions. Every session, they'd have to cover exactly the same things they covered before. Eventually, they said they had to devote their time to patients who made progress.

We got her saddlebags for the walker, so she can carry books, papers, tissues, etc. We found that anything across the front blocked her view of where her feet are stepping, so trays didn't work out. I could maybe get her a car cup holder and attach it but it wouldn't solve her inclination to carry dishes and glasses around.

Now, we're in the middle of a huge fight because she won't go to the store and refuses to say whether she thinks a medium or soft support mattress would be better. She did say she's "never had back problems" and the hospital bed "was never good for anything." For God's sake, for two months she couldn't sit upright and had to have her diapers changed in bed because she couldn't even use a bedside commode. I pulled my own back out hauling her over her mattress and was injured for weeks. That's why the hospital bed and, yes, it did a lot of good. She barely remembers the time when she was bedridden but, from what I can tell, what she does recall is severely skewed.

She is just TOO MUCH. I sent my husband in to talk to her because we were just making each other furious. I'm shaking I'm so angry. She loves to present problems then shoot down every sensible solution, then she gets bitchy about people who "think they have all the answers." I can't help it if she can't add two and two any more -- it is not surprising people other than her can see simple solutions to simple problems. AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Here are a couple of threads on letting them feel useful and keeping them busy. It is a real struggle.

http://eldercare.infopop.cc/eve/forums?m=2171075525&a=tpc&f=5506016051

http://eldercare.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/56360781...771007763#3771007763

Bobcat has said it so well.I can only imagine what I would feel loosing all my abilities to do what I always did.I never found that parkinsons affected my husbands decision making.It did prevent him from doing many of the physical things he once did.The dementia is what elimainted his good thought process.
With Parkinsons, your physical movements can be out of ones control.Alot of involuntary movement or loss of balance,
I tried to emphasize tohim the areas he was in danger of falling and getting unjured.
Not easy to stop doing all the things you once did.To feel non productive in ones home has to be less then good.
My mother and aunt both used walkers.My aunt because of stenosis.She was the one that gave me the most concern , at first.Her legs would give way and down she would go.So I had her call me when she wanted to use the bathroom or move around.Coaching her when she had to rise from the sitting position and reminding her to keep the walker with her as she walked and not allow the walker to be two legs that could go ahead of her.I had bycyle baskets on all walkers.That way they had the things they , usualy needed, in the basket.
My mother , who mastered the walker carried things in her basket.Kept her more independent when she wanted something, or wanted to get things.
When I would see my husband usuing the walker in a way that could harm him, I would stop him in his tracks and show him what could happen.Showed him how to use the walker when going up a grade and when coming down.
Most falls from parkinsons are from the non control of the bodies physical.Many times the proper meds made such a difference.
It is so hard to take away the very things that made the person feel complete.We can tell them but they cannot feel, in their hearts, what we say.Old habits are hard to break,
Because we are able to function normally it is hard to understand a loved one no longer able to do such.After all we watched this person be self suuficient all their lives.How can they not do and think as they once did.
I would suggest, they are asking them selves the same thing.The things they identified with are being taken away.Not an easy pill to swallow.It is said for the afflited and sad for the one who is caring for this person.
They cannot put them selves inside our heads so we have to try to go inside theirs.Erase all the things we consider as being normal and right.

I wish I could find something she could safely do. I moved some potted plants right next to her chair on the front porch and I keep a partially-filled watering can there, too, so she keeps those groomed and watered. She wipes off the table after meals which I figure is relatively safe. At least she's leaning on a stable surface. Only takes a minute, though. Otherwise, she's shot down every activity I've suggested, and most things are unsafe for her.

Well, we're off to go get a regular twin bed to replace the hospital bed she was given when she was bedridden. She still thinks the home care people sold it to her and "it was a mistake" despite the fact we've explained insurance covered it and it was crippling for me to be hauling her around over the queen-size bed. She's refused to use the hospital bed's sitting and foot-raising functions anyway, so I suppose it does no good now that she can toilet herself and walk (kind of.)

We're bringing her with us to the store because she will hate whatever she gets and we need to be able to say "You chose it." I think it's going to be a nightmare, which is why I'm here stalling, I suppose.

Well, thanks for the good word! We'll see what happens. Off to the store! :-)

I got a catalog the other day. In it was a tray that fit on the walker - so folks could use the walker properly and still get stuff moved around.
I think that if something like that is available, more than one place would have it, not just a catalog.
I haven't checked on-line even to see if there's a website for the catalog, but it's
Harriet Carter.

Opie, I think all of us display our own version of OCD when we try to prevent the next fall and o feel as if we are banging our heads bloody against the wall is the pits. There has to be some sort of cleaning chore that is satisfying and safe for her to do. Polish silver or rub imaginary water spots off something. Someone started a thread here on chores safe for MIL. I'll have to find it and bump it unless someone beats me to it, (hint, hint). Just keep venting. I know it is not funny to live through, but your observations are familiar to many of us and sharing does bring out the humor and lighten th load, so thanks for that.

What you seem to be going through (and your Mom is going through) could be predicted, when a younger woman moves in and takes over the household of another. It only magnifies the differences in the approach. Somewhere in there is some common ground that must become the focus for a little part of the day. There must be some way for her to feel she has some authority in her home, one tiny bit. What can she safely do? There is something that can be her job, isn't there? We need to brain storm on this . She can fold the laundry? (6 times a day ) something, match socks?

quote:

I know Parkinson's affects judgement

Egggsacterly Op!
The fact is it does a WHOLE lot to judgment their minds are impaired there is no reasoning most times.
I had a guy like this, frustrating to say the least and since Im a very safety oriented person it bothers me they have little regard for their own safety nevermind others.
It was the first time I dealt with a case such as this and the family was no help at all they treated him as if he was a high functioning adult and that simply wasnt the case anymore.
We got along well that I can tell you but what I saw in the way of sneaking around doing things pretending to take his meds and pocketing them or tossing them told me even though he may appreciate me, my ideas on his well being he didnt have it within him to follow through.
I love taking care of the man but it came to a point with all the problems of no follow through, a flight of stairs and me worrying that each time I showed up he'd be at the bottom of them or the times he was allowed by the family to traipse across the state unattended and not at the pick up point *now THAT really pissed me off!* and the family's lack of involvement I gracefully bowed out of the situation.
His lack of judgment his impairment was such that it was posing a safety hazard....do they do it intentionally though?
Well no honey they dont this man far exceeded me in intelligence Ill be honest so I cant tell you he did these things deliberately just as your mom doesnt do these things to tick you off even using you and your hunny is not deliberate its just what the disease does.
I know it doesnt help Im actually commiserating with you on this matter its frustrating as hell I just dont want you to take it personally cause really they cant help themselves and the frustration they feel....
This man was very honest with me I brought up a conversation about the deficits they go through as I was researching the disease he very much agreed with the fact that he knew his judgment was off but it was as if he just couldnt help himself.
The expression on his face when he said this to me broke my heart as it troubled him greatly

Mom's trying to hasten another fall. I mentioned that she is OCD -- if she sees a dust bunny or smudged floor, she wants to clean it immediately. IMMEDIATELY. Since she can't do that now, at first she tried to get me to do it but it didn't work. I'm a relaxed housekeeper. Sheets, towels, bathrooms, and kitchen are sterile. Dishes are done every day. The rest gets cleaned once a week. A slight clash in outlooks, as you can imagine.

I've caught her bending over to pick a tiny fleck of dust up from the floor many times. Or she decides she can't wait for her dishes to be cleared after a meal.

I round the corner to bring her her dessert yogurt. I meet her coming into the kitchen. "Mom, what are you doing?"

"Nothing." She looks and sounds guilty, so she knows she's not supposed to do this. She thought I was in the bathroom. I guess she reasoned that I would believe the dishes magically cleared themselves, as long as I didn't see her moving them.

"It looks to me like you trying to take your lunch dishes to the sink."

"I have my walker." Yes, she does. She is pushing it from the side with her left hand while she balances a cup on a plate in her right. She is swaying from side to side as we talk. She doesn't realize it. We've told her to use her saddlebags if she must carry something but she says she doesn't want to get crumbs in them.

"One: That is not the way to use the walker. Two: You are going to fall if you keep that up. And you're going to fall on broken dishes, so maybe you'll have nasty cuts as well as broken bones and bruises. Do you want that because you couldn't wait five minutes for me to do it?"

"No." Her lower lip is stuck out like a pouty five-year-old. "But I have to stretch. The therapist said so."

"The therapist gave you specific exercises that were safe to do. The therapist NEVER told you to start trying to touch the floor without support or a spotter or at all, really, or to drag your walker after yourself instead of pushing it ahead of you with both hands."

"Well, I need one hand to carry the dishes."

"Or you could wait five minutes till I come out again and take the dishes away. If you break a bone, it could take six months to heal. Do you want to spend six months in a convalescent hospital?"

"No." I can see she does not believe one single word I say. The reason I'm posting in the anger wall is because I thought we had worked this out over a week ago. She had agreed it would be foolish to wind up crippled because a dish had to get to the sink within seconds of being emptied.

Last night, my husband was with her after dinner while I was in our room. He came in muttering. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Your Mom was bending over in the kitchen to pick up a bit of lettuce on the floor. She left her walker in the dining room, too. And she told me not to tell you when I told her to stop it. She does that a lot -- tries to play us against each other, doesn't she?"

"Yup. She does. Sooner or later, she'll figure out that doesn't work and then she'll view both of us as power mad tyrants, instead of just me."

"Good. I've always wanted to be a tyrant. I hear it pays well."

"Not so much so, as it turns out."

I was so angry that she is sneaking around doing dangerous things that I didn't talk to her about it last night. What a sucker I was. I had truly believed her last week when she agreed that leaving a little mess for a few minutes was better than being in traction. But if he caught her still doing it last night, God only knows what she's doing in her bedroom when she's alone. I've thought her toilet stays unusually clean. She's probably still scrubbing it every morning.

I try to remember that even though she behaves like a child in many ways, she is an adult. She knows the risks or at least has been covered on them many times by many people; if she still chooses to endanger herself by making risky moves, that is her right. But when she winds up in the hospital, there is going to be no end of moaning, and wailing, and sighing, and begging to come home. I doubt saying "I told you so" is going to help.

Sadly, she throws a fit that I wash her towels after each bath. She doesn't like it that I run the dishwasher on antimicrobial. "Wasteful." So cleanliness issues that actually could affect health, she doesn't want cleaned. Just so long as all looks shiny.

I know Parkinson's affects judgement and makes it difficult for her to tell how much time has past since a meal was over, but it is SO HARD not to be angry when it makes her do stupid things. Especially since she was prone to doing stupid, stubborn things that weren't wise even before its onset. And yes, the OCD isn't her fault either, but does she have to try to repay every gray hair I gave her when I was a teen? Does she?!

Sigh. I guess she does. Hope you all are doing well. I know a lot of you are dealing with worse than a potential fall and I am thinking good thoughts for every one of us.

Opinionated, I think it is just wonderful that you and your husband have move in to take care of your mother. I can tell you from experience, it is annoying now but it will get much worse. I have some advice, go spend a few hours in an adult day care center and watch the caregivers, they are masters at re-directing. I would also seriously consider enrolling her in a program. She will get excellent care and can complain till the cows come home and you won’t be there to hear it. If you have any emotional baggage about her, lose it now, it will only get in the way. Her personality flaws will only become more pronounced.

Well, I'm oh-so-new here and I have to say that I loved reading this thread...so funny!! And so touching how you and your husband, OP, have moved in to take care of your mom. What a generous and loving thing you have given her. I know how tough it is to be the recipient of all the insanity, but when you put it in words and images, it does make you see the humor in all of it. And from the way you depict it all, I think you do, too - and that's a very good thing. Here's to better days ahead !!

Opinionated.Sometimes we have to learn to accept the fact they are not going to respond to a good deed as we would like.
Sad she will nottake an antidepressant.She sure sounds like a person with depression.Many times we just have to say ok when they say this ot that has to be done.You have to learn to not take her responses personally.Jumping throw hoops will not change her stste of mind plus you become flustrated when you try so hard and nothing works.Stop trying so hard.
We all try to give them quality of life , love and good care.There comes a pont when we have to know when enough is enough.
We have all tried to make those in our care hasppy and content.We have success and failures.Failures are not your or ours.It is their in ability to appreciate for reasons no one knows

I was never compfortable taking a shower when the folks were awake and mobile.It seemed everytime I tried something happened or someone was calling me.So I waitede till all were in bed so I could enjoy the shower, someimes a soak in the tub.

quote:

How about earplugs?

Oooooh so tempting. Very, very tempting. But I try to be within earshot all the time so there is no escape. I don't even take a shower myself until my husband is home and can listen for trouble. She keeps leaving her walker behind, sometimes because she's confused and sometimes because she feels well and figures she doesn't need it. She is going to fall some day, I'm afraid, especially since Parkinson's makes it almost inevitable. I want to hear it when it happens so I can dial 911 in that instant. A friend's Dad lived alone and it was over a day before they found he'd fallen and broken his hip -- I have nightmares about that, so Mom is listened to all the time. (Which can be disconcerting when she talks in her sleep. Parkinson's patients can have very vivid dreams and she chats up a storm when she's not conscious, too. Never short on words in this family. LOL.)

Thanks to all for the good thoughts. Cheered me up. You all hang in there, too! :-)

quote:

I have one patient that I swear has OCD she'll stop in mid stride see something out of place and will try not to budge until I place the offending article back where it belongs...as if.

Yup. That's just like my Mom. I have noticed she struggles with OCD. Her home has always been immaculate. I thought that was because she was raised in an era when a woman's worth was equal to the quality of the home she created. Now I know it's really because she cannot stand to see even a speck of dirt or a single item not in its assigned place and it frets her until the "problem" has been fixed. And since now she can't clean it on the spot and I can, I have to train her not to think of me as a human vacuum cleaner...

She has no trust, so she'll never believe it will be done if it's not done when she commands it. To this day, even though we got a huge pill tray and have her doses laid out three weeks into the future, she is still positive we are going to let her run out of meds. On the bright side, she did tell us she trusts us completely with paying the bills, as long as we can show her written documentation that proves what we say is true whenever she demands it. That's flattering. ;-)

quote:

"I guess it's OK if I don't get a shower today."

LMAO!
Yeah as if thats not gonna happen have ya smelled yourself lately???
Honey both my MIL did this and some of *ok most* of my patients do this....do I feel like bangin my head against the wall?
Eh no not really but I dont walk into the trap either I state a fact and go back to doing whatever it is Im doing or need to do and dont answer the call of the whine
If you need to say anything at all ask what they would like for dinner or lunch ie. change the subject matter
How we react to them is what counts.
I have one patient that I swear has OCD she'll stop in mid stride see something out of place and will try not to budge until I place the offending article back where it belongs...as if.
"Hon Ill get that when I finish doing what it is Im doing now lets get you sitting/lying down then Ill do it"
*But*
"No but's lets go I havent failed you before Im not gonna fail you now"
*Merrily 2 steppin to our destination*
*Wait I cant stand that curtain its outta place!*
"And Ill be more than happy to adjust the offending curtain when I set you down"

And this can go on the entire time Im there with different things but its how I respond to her that makes it less argumentative, even funny...
Like her shower times its usually Friday *by her standards*....well if ya wanna hug its gonna be right now cause I ainta huggin ya till that kitty kitty is smellin like a rose
*alright but I usually shower on Friday*
"Yes and this week it'll be the same only today the shower MUST happen"

Hey OP will she read gardening mags?
maybe you can plan a garden she may not like coloring but she can certainly design a garden area on paper to help with the design, get some markers and the large drawing pads a couple of gardening mags an a few plant catalogs and go to town

"There is nothing simpler than sitting on a bench and washing off unless we put you in a harness and just dunk you in a big vat of soapy water."

quote:

"Go ahead. Laugh at me. I hope you never get old."

Your mom cracks me up!
These conversations are so humorous to me.
Like watching Seinfeld and George.

This would make great TV.

Unfortunately, you are on the inside and it can be sooooo annoying.
But MB is right, she is not gonna change. You will have to learn to let it roll off your back.
How about earplugs?

She's doing it again. We had a handful of good days when I was actually thinking, "Hey, this may work." But then yesterday, Mom was awful. Was crying at breakfast when that's usually her best time. Then she started nagging about her 11:00am shower at 10:00am, which drives me bonkers. "Is it time yet?"

"No, Mom, you can see the clock."

"What should I do till then?"

"Walk. Do your stretching exercises. Do your breathing exercises. Read. Watch TV. Nap. Watch the robins in the birdbath."

"I can't nap all the time."

"No one ever said you should."

"I guess it's OK if I don't get a shower today."

"You're going to get your shower. At 11:00, as we agreed."

"Do you think I should take a shower? Maybe it doesn't matter."

"Yes, at 11:00 when we always do it. Not now, as I am trying to finish my morning cocoa and do a little work."

"I wish I could take a bath." (This was said as though hordes of evil people arrive each day and prevent her from it.)

"Mom, you haven't soaked in the tub for years. You've told us numerous times you prefer showers and always have."

"I don't like that transfer bench. I don't understand it. There has to be an easier way."

"There is nothing simpler than sitting on a bench and washing off unless we put you in a harness and just dunk you in a big vat of soapy water."

"Go ahead. Laugh at me. I hope you never get old."

I'm always especially appreciative when she wishes an early death on me and the fact is, I am old. I'm just not as old as she is. She got her shower then, as I knew she was going to nag until she got her way. It was like that all day. By the time I was making dinner, and she kept tapping at our door to check if I was burning it, I was ready to scream.

Don't know what's gotten into her. Her illness flaring up? The fact that as my husband and I settle in, it becomes less and less like the home she shared with Dad, even though we've gone out of our way to only put our things in the garage and our bedroom? Just plain boredom? Certainly depression plays its part.

She still refuses to access Senior Peer Support for company, a shrink for depression counciling, or antidepressents to just get her through a bad patch. She won't do any activities except read and watch TV, and those only in limited amounts. No coloring (too childish), no looking at old photos (too depressing), no charity work (too tiring), no crafts (she's never seen why people enjoy them), no radio (they don't play songs she likes every single moment of the day, so it's not worth "the hassle.) For over eighty years she's been honing her complaining and worrying skills and she's going to stick with those as her two main occupations.

She had been taking pleasure in me getting their garden back into shape. We go out and look it over every morning -- it's the one bright spot in our interactions, for me, because she's still lucid on the subject. But even that failed to reach her yesterday. "Look, Mom, I put in those hen-and-chicks we talked about. In a few months, they should make a lovely groundcover and since they're next to that beautiful variegated cover you put in, they'll look great, don't you think?"

"Whatever." It's amazing how much scorn she can get into a single word. Then she pointed out every place in the border that was not yet polished to garden book perfection. Then she went back inside to wait for me to come in for further complaints. The floor isn't polished. Her cat is mean. The vacuum cleaner is in her office and she wants it removed. There is a tray in her bedroom with a bottle of vitamins on it. It must be taken away. Now. Her sitting room has not been dusted. It's a disgrace but, sigh, she just stoically endures living in squalor.

The rollercoaster ride is rough. One day, I'm thinking this isn't so bad and we should settle in for years. The next I don't know if we'll be here a month from now. Usually when she goes completely overboard, as yesterday, she's exceptionally well behaved for the next couple of days to make up for it. I hope that holds true. More of yesterday, I could do without. I don't like drama, yet Mom can create it out of thin air.

OK, done venting now. Thanks for giving me the space to do so! Time to go slice strawberries for her cereal. (Which I do not make as well as the convalscent hospital did but, sigh, she'll put up with cheerios. Sigh. ;-)