I've been caring for my 88-year-old MIL along w/my husband for the past 4 years (He has been doing it much longer than I.).

She is dying. My husband can't accept it and won't let her go. She can no longer walk, talk, hold her head up, eat or drink for herself, recognize anyone. Yet he insists on feeding her 3 squares everyday. She doesn't burn up the calories from breakfast!

I work 5 days a week as a cashier at a major store. He cares for her full-time. On my "weekends", I have to take care of her.

When will it be MY TIME????!!!!!!
When will my husband and I HAVE A LIFE????!!!!

She's in a Hospice program where we have an aide come once daily. We also have access to volunteers and even have the wonderful opportunity to take her to the Hospice itself if we should need a long-term break, which we have done twice within 4 years.

My husband says he will NEVER send her there again, even though the hospice is immaculate and there are never any diaper rashes, or mistreatment. They just don't feed her "continually". Instead they ask her if she wants to eat.. What do you think she says?--No, I'm not hungry. So they didn't feed her. He thinks she almost died there, but I'm not so sure.

He made her a promise while she was still in her "right mind" that she would never again go to a nursing home. She will die at home. I love the fact that he does what he says, but she no longer has a clue as to who anyone is. All she does is stare into space with her tongue hanging out of her mouth. She wouldn't know the freakin' difference.

The volunteers, my husband doesn't trust since he just doesn't trust anyone but me and the aide to take care of her. Also he is aware of others stealing.

I am at my wits end, the end of my rope, the straw will soon break the camel's back. I DON'T GET ANY BREAK!!!!! I work all day and then on my "weekend" I have to interrupt any peace I may have to take care of her.

WHEN IS SHE GOING TO DIE????????????
ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

My husband was told years ago that she would die soon. That was almost 10 years ago.

From what I see, since I'm technically an "outsider" (she was pretty much this way when I got here), she can hang on for YEARS, since he always gives her her meds and food.

The aide and I both agree that she is a breathing corpse.

I can't tell my husband any of this. I've tried to just tell him my frustrations but he usually gets pissed off . I have no one else that I can tell that understands about this.

Thanks for listening. I feel a small weight lifted from me.

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

Yes, hubby was an only child. Also adopted. We think his father conceived him w/a girl father had an affair with. We think his mother (being practical that she was) said, "OK you got her pregnant. Now let's adopt the baby." That baby was hubby. (Sidenote: hubby's mom was a "good girl" and hardly ever had sex. That's why his father fooled around so much.)

I can't get ENOUGH sleep. Hubby complains that all I want to do is sleep. Yes I do nap during the day when I am in-between shifts. I don't have any friends here. We live in a VERY small town, pop. 525. Nearest city is 22 miles away. Sometimes work is my only escape. But it's a double-edged sword.

Oh, my darling husband does not know AT ALL how I feel. This is the first place I can vent with people who understand and won't judge.

Thanks again!

Butterfly,
Just reread my post. Ooops! When I say sleep is key, I mean it's important for YOU to get enough. Can you nap when caregiver is over?
kathllen

Dear Butterfly,
Ive been in your shoes and it's a horrible place to be. I can assure you that this too shall pass. I look at the dying process and compare it to labor. Some of us take longer than others to give birth to our spirits, for whatever reasons. I thought my dad would never die, and I resented it BIG TIME sometimes. Can't tell you how many times the family was notified. 24 hours before he died, he just slipped into a deep sleep. Eating was no longer an option. It was over. Sleep is key. So is getting out and taking care of yourself. Even if you just pop out for a pedicure, or coffee with a friend, or a l-o-n-g walk. I'll hold you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Kathleen

I feel, ya, steelbutterfly. I wish I had some words of consolation, but I don't. The process of dying is hard on everyone involved and there are no easy answers - only grey area. Living life in limbo is so difficult for caregivers...

May we all be granted the strength to hang in there...

Oh Sweetie I get what you are saying. I know this is the anger wall but I had to comment back to you . Is your Hubby an only child? If so Im a sittin in your shoes and visa versa. While I realize you are at your wits end DONT give hunny fuel for the perverbial fire in future disagreements Trust me you dont want to go down this road with him! sometimes I got my own foot in mouth here too when frustration hits high levels Or we innocently say something that is misunderstood..(had one of those days yesterday ) Hubby made a promise and is keeping it that says alot about the man you married. This is his mom and he treats her with much compassion (another great trait he has)....I know your frustrated and tired how about asking the caregiver he does trust to take care of her on the weekend and get some much needed rest? Will he ok this?
So advice for the day...No more venting to Hunny...Bring it here, vent to a good friend, go out in the middle of a field and scream, go do a work out, but dont say anything more to hubby. You already know his take on this it wont change...know what I mean