Well, here it is less than a week after mom was d/c from homecare by OT, PT, and RN and the "niceness" has stopped on her part. Grumbling and complaining about everything from not being able to close the draperies in her room (even though she has blinds that are closed tightly), to the fact that the hairdresser just can't do her hair right, to the last nectarine she ate just was not anywhere near as good as the one before, make sure her pain patch does not show out from under her blouse, did I know that the kitchen waste can was touching the cabinet, did I know the dryer stopped, argh!!!!!! enough.

Don't know that anyting in life makes her happy in any way. She will not go to the local senior center unless her friend is there, she can't walk outside because the nice breeze will mess up her hair.I swear, if I'm ever that miserable (I'm not far from it right at this moment) I'll just eat M&Ms all day and drink vanilla milkshakes and go out happy. Thanks for the anger wall. It beats bouncing off those around me.

SO, I identify so well with you.

My mil and your Mom could have possibly been cut out of the same mold. Though I hope your Mom is not as bitter and cruel as my mil.

One thing that might help with her pain is Arthritis Strength Tylenol, each one is 650 ml.
She can have up to 6 in 24 hours. It is worth a try, it might help to take the edge off . I do understand her being cranky from the pain.

I had the same problem with my mil, she refuses to leave the house, nothing I do or say will coax her to leave, unless she has a Dr. appointment and she thinks she might get more pain meds from him.

Last week I walked in her kitchen, before she had a chance to say anything, I said, lets go get a rootbeer float. I don't think she realized how quick she stood up and grabbed her cane.....I knew once I had her in the car, I could take her anywhere. I ordered her a large, and she drained the cup!! I kept her out of the house for a couple of hours...it worked that day.

I hope things get easier for you, and your Mom!

SeaO, Sounds like some progress. A little at a time. It would be hard to insist she go, on a day with bad news.
Mom always enjoys a visit from the church. She will put on real clothes, and have us make tea. I hope that will work out for you.
Also Mom has a standing weekly appointment to get her hair washed and set, but she has done that for years. Been seeing the same woman for 25 years, and to miss a week is a disaster. Sometimes it is really hard to get her there, but something about the beauty parlor really works for her. It is one of my MAJOR tools to get her cooperation all week long.

"Mom, if you don't do your exercises, you won't be strong enough to go Fri. Then I will have to wash your hair myself," The look on her face as she thinks of what I would do to her hair is so funny. And she gets right to work. She does not want ME to mess with her hair. If they have a little streak of vanity, you can really use it.

If she says she doesn't feel like getting her labs done when I have scheduled to take her, I can say, "Oh, well if you aren't feeling well enough to go to the lab, I guess I better call Mary and tell her you can't make it this week." Then she'll tell me what she wants to wear and we are out the door.

If you can figure out even one thing that really means something to them, it can become your big bargaining chip. And it can become your marker for how they REALLY feel. Any special treat, favorite icecream? promise to pick it up on the way home from the center. Mom also likes a ride through town to see gardens on the way home from anywhere. So I can tell her, while we are out , we can ride past the park and see what is in bloom, or a trip to the old cemetary, or a spin through the historic district to see how well they are keeping up the buildings. It took a while to figure out what to bait her with, but now I have several tricks up my sleeve to keep her moving and ward off depression.

There should be something you can use, but it is very individual.

Thanks to Bunnys_grl and Bobcat for your suggstions at the "anger wall". You know, you are right; I have to "detach" a little as a daughter and slip more into the adult caregiver mode; found myself doing this and wondered if I was just protecting my feelings about how mom responds to me and hubby. I think she can accept a caregiving daughter rather than accepting "living at my daughter's home".

But, no, she is not a list for another AL room. Her mental status is pretty good for 85 but the AL home did have issues w/the way she responded to roommates (she, nor we cannot affort a private room or apartment). the director sent a letter and "put her on notice" that if she did not learn to adjust and compramise, she'd be asked to leave. If she goes back and is in the hospital again, we'll have to move all her belongings again and believe me, we're just not up for that either.

She agreed to go to the Sr.center once/week but backed out at the last minute today. She got word of the death of a nephew (age 70) and said she just didn't feel like going. Come to find out, her real motive was that she wanted to get her hair cut and styled today for the funeral on Friday. I told her I'd take her to the hairdresser Thursday, but she still won't go. Next week I refuse to let her get out of going to the center. I think I'll call her social worker for some assist in this area; they don't want her spending all her time in her room with no outside interests. Just a little background, she is using a walker and is able to get to the kitchen, make her own lunch or other "cold" meal (she is too unsteady to trust around hot foods/liquids). As far as her pain, her shoulder is "bone-on-bone" and thus the constant pain; but the crankiness has been present for as long as I can remember. HOWEVER, if we "gently" put things in perspective for her, telling her we know she is hurting but that she and we and the doctors are doing everything possible already, she says she knows that and then she'll settle down for a few days. I belive if she had some outside interest, it would greatly distract her. I'm also trying to get someone from her church, someone closer to her age, to visit weekly just for lunch and conversation.
Well, enough already. I'll continue with this group and hopefully I'll be able to contribute something soon, other than my complaints about mom. I'm tired of hearing myself! thanks again, TK

SO (((hugs)))
I know this has gotta be tough on you but you must remember one thing here (pain patch huh?) well shes in considerable pain to have that particular type of med that much I know shes cranky yes but may *lemme correct* IS in pain which exacerbates crankiness and so do the meds sometimes.
BC brings up a good point also by being moved around this causes them distress, imagine in a lucid moment how she feels no one wants her shes a burden straight to the point life sucks. Her independence has been taken away.
I know you dont want to hear this its hard sweetie but its true .
Lets put our heads together and find a solution shall we?
Ok what exactly is her ailments? If she was in AL and Rehab my guess is her meds have already been addressed and adjusted so for the time being unless you see something that causes you to pause this doesnt need to change.
Are you going to try to find placement for her again or are you trying to become her full time CG?
Is there anything she gets joy out of? Try to keep her attention focused elsewhere other than the complaint department.
I dont know if this is a problem with her but are you taking her out all the time with you?
If so this may be part of the problem also she may be getting too much stimulation. After all this moving around which may not seem like alot to anyone keeping them calm within one environment is better she can begin to relax instead of fussing over her appearance all the time (how cute sounds like a few I have known)

For you love dont sit there and listen to it a tool used often is to just walk away when they get into a rant this is just as much for us as it is for them. They want an audience dont give it to them. Re enforce good behavior only if she is pleasant continue a sterile conversation with her if not get up walk away and leave her be until she calms down.

Awwwe, SO, this is a very frusrtating time. You posted in the Bar and grill, that that she went from assisted living to the hospital to rehab to your house because sh lost her room at AL while in rehab, that is a lot of changes. I don't know how she got along at AL, but it seems that she is treating you like the child you used to be, rather than the adult you are now. That is a difficult role to switch for both of you. There is only so much you can do about how she feels, but it might help you to remember that you are an adult caregiver now, not just a daughter.

As hard as it is to do, you need to see her as a patient, in pain and ill at ease for being moved around alot. I don't know how will reassurance will work for her, or if her view of you as a child can be changed, so you will have to detatch your self, some what from this and see her as a patient from your end.

I haven't seen a mention of her mental status, but she sounds alert, and observant, clearly she knows where she is and who people are. You have brought her to your home out of love and respect for her well being, and because you saw no choice. Right? You are a good daughter. And your Hub is a champ, too.

All the crankiness, bossiness, pickyness, etc., is not unusual, and you aren't alone. Can she be alone or does someone have to be close all the time? There will be days when you simply have to tell her that it is time to go to the senior center. It may take some practice, but you must exert some of the authority that is rightfully yours, even if she is your mother.

Perhaps if we knew more about her , we could come up with some specific techniques that would help you. Making her "happy" may not be possible, but helping you to survive this should be doable. Good luck, Sweetie, you are a good woman to take this on..(she is on the list for a new room isn't she??