i need someone to come forward and give me a break. my husband is really good helping out with daisy but now i have a spare kid on my hands. he is my son's best friend and has lived acrosss the street since they were toddlers so he is like one of my own. recently he and his parents had some poblems and he came here for a cooling off period two days ago. they have put me in the middle of a situation that doen't seem to have a clear cut answer. he just turned 18 a couple of weeks ago and wants the rights of an adult but he will not be leaving for college out of state for 5 weeks. basically it comes down to him wanting to make decisions that go against their house rules. the rules are not unreasonable but their reaction to him breaking them is a bit out there. they are right about it being their house and they have the say in making rules. they are good people with very high moral standards. a little late 5 weeks from college to ground him, take his car away, etc.to start getting tough. the mom suffers from severe depression which he says is not his problem. unfortunately i am the dumping ground. i still have to care for my own household and the care of daisy. i'm afraid if i send him home to work it out he will just go to another friends house where the conditions are not supervised and he would be in a frame of mind to get into trouble. i know this has nothing to do with eldercare but this elder caregiver would like the luxury of being considered once in a while, maybe just someone thinking to send dinner over once or offering to give me a break from daisy, anything. this is just a pity party and i'm frustrated and tired. last night one of my son's friends sat here and talked to me until 2:30 in the morning. i am glad at this age they feel they can talk to me. i can't turn people away and i can't save the world. it's just me.

...sigh...
Sometimes when things have come to a head like this boy's situation, the best one can hope for is that all parties listen to one another and check their guns and knives at the door. Healing doesn't come overnight. First the seeds of understanding have to be sown and germinate in each person's heart. If given time, it will grow into forgiveness and acceptance of one another's faults and frailties.

18 is such a scary age. Most folks who achieve it are filled with pressure - all the childhood resentments, the dreams of becoming an adult, the promise and fear of what is to come. Kids have to separate from us parents, elsewise they will never fly from the nest. Sometimes, parting is made easier by a big blowup, a schism that forces the child onward and holds us back. I told my son when he neared that age that one day soon, he'd be leaving to go find his fortune in life and that the parting could go one of two ways: we could butt heads, push each other's buttons and literally rip those apronstrings asunder, or we could carefully remove them stitch by stitch. Either way, he was going; the question was whether it would be on shaky knees or on steady legs. He chose the latter approach (although it got mighty dicey a few times) and things have worked out well for all. We can actually miss one another without fear or anger, enjoy one another's company when we have a chance to get together, and sigh with relief and contentment when we part again.

So that's my wish for your neighbors. I hope they all remember right now to treasure the good things that they have.

You did good, Hap. Now it's up to them to make those seeds of forgiveness grow in their own hearts and minds.

apparently she has had this and been treated for years, sometimes it's good, sometimes bad. i just found out today that she has been hospitalized in the past. not easy for anyone but you are right, now they have decisions make. i talked to the boy alone tonight and hopefully he can be a little more sensitive to her and regard it as a legitimate illness. i also talked to my son about it. the lady deserves respect as a mother even though it has been rocky for all. i know i can't save the world but like i say, i didn't have a safe place so the least i can do now is offer one to others. although i forget at times, i have many blessings to count and i get upset when i post just as a pity me thing. i do have blessings and now someone else can hit the anger wall. thank you all.i'm as over it as i can be. i assure you all my family is always my priority.

Happy it went well hes at home thats all you can do.
As for the husband and the wife, well... He has got to make that decision its not yours to make. Just tell him if he fears for his wife then HE has a decision to make like forcing some therapy on her or something.
Most folks dont want to face the fact theres depression (or other illness) rearin its head in their LO's and thats when bad things happen.
Its a shame this man has got to deal with this but at the same time if its this bad then it angers me that he knows theres a problem (and for how long) and hes let it affect his household as well as his child.
Why? People get ill everyday theres no shame in it, the shame is not seeking help.
You cant keep overextending yourself like this eventually you or others in your immediate family will suffer the consequences...sooner or later there problems become yours with all the stresses that go along with that set of problems...you cant fix everything sweetie...as Gran used to say "tend to your own back yard, you cant make others beautiful till your own is" Now I didnt get that when I was a kid but I sure as heck get it now

BC thats so sad about your Hunny and his mom...

Actually, Hap, I think that went pretty well. Oddly, (as wrong as it is) many children are resentful and hurtful about a parents mental illness. They feel cheated. It is a truely sad thing.

And in a real sense, they are cheated. H's Mom had some sort of disorder when he was young, I not sure of the diagnosis, but when he was 8, he was changing his little sisters diapers and trying to feed them when his Dad was at work. Neighbors came in to help too, but it was really hard on him when his Mom just wouldn't notice things like diapers.

He never forgave her, for not being a Mother to them.

well, the powwow didn't go great but the kid is at least sleeping at home tonight. he has decided he just won't open his mouth. i wish he had tried that a couple of days ago. i came down on him with his parents there and told him to apologize to his mom. i tried to tell him he didn't really want his family situation to end like this before he goes to college. they have 5 weeks to make things better, even if it's on the surface. time will heal the rest. it gets very complicated with the mom's depression factored in and him using it as a weapon to hurt her. got a call from the dad after i came home to tell me she is thinking of taking off for a couple of days to go visit a friend but he's afraid to let her go in her state of mind. i agree. i feel so trapped when i don't have the answers. you all must wonder why i get into these windmill jousting situations. at times so do i. i never had a safe place and i guess it's just in me to make sure others do, so my place is open to all. life is so hard. we are here to help each other through it. sorry, just me rambling now. i'm open to advice. i have talked about docs, meds and even the hospital. don't know what they'll do. i lost a couple of friends to self destruction, i can't stand by and lose another without doing my darndest to do something, anything! this has sure taken the wind out of my sails.

Hap, I hope the powwow goes well and that all can come together for a positive solution and outcome. I would be lyin' like a rug if I tried to say I have never gotten myself embroiled in a situation that was a sticky wicket like yours. I have tried to learn how to avoid 'em as best I can, but when one lands on one's doorstep, it's tough.

Whatever the outcome, know you have my admiration for going where angels fear to tread.

Happy, I think it was wonderful that you help to shelter the boy. He'll always remember it.But he did somethng bad to disrespect the parents in their own house.He also has upset his sibblings too... plus set a bad example for them. I'm sure that is what really made the parents mad.
I think you mediating todat will be good. I wish you luck and wisdom during the meeting. Life is too short to stay mad and parents have a right to set punishment. He needs to humble himself and promise them he will never do that again under their roof. I know you said the parents don't believe in sex before marriage but they need to understand that ain't going to happen.

I can't come near that one, BC. You rule.

When I first got a cell phone, I hardly ever answered it. My message on voice mail, was...
If you have an emergency, dial 911. I am not a Dr, or a lawyer, I don't have a tow truck or a pipe wrench. I do not run a bail service, a beauty parlor or alterations shop. If you have bad news, I can wait until tomorrow to hear it.

Two more cents worth, Hap. Set up house rules of your own! You can still be there for others but with some guide lines. You sound so much like me it is scary. I wish I had understood a long time ago it was ok to fight for my rights too. I have been on call 24/7 for everyone and every thing all my life. No more. I'm still a 24/7 kinda person but with rules. Feels good. Just make one or two to start. You will soon see a difference and maybe add a few more rules. Us old dogs CAN learn new tricks.

My two cents goes like this Hap. If this young person is a good kid that made a stupid decision by having sex in his family home (knowing of his parents wishes) then he needs to work this out with them at home. He needs to give you a big hug and kiss on the cheek and deal with what he did, again, at home. I have mixed feelings about you trying to help all of them with this. Tons of stress there and may end up a no win story for you. I sure hope not. Good luck no matter what happens. You are a top shelf person and should have only the best of everything.

you are so right. i was feeling very frustrated when i posted and feeling sorry for myself. after church tomorrow i am going to insist on a powwow. i don't want him leaving the state on bad terms with his parents. it is a special time in life. he is their oldest and i want them and him to have the joy and pride of seeing him off right. enough is enough. what i failed to mention is that the mom had so much trouble with this trouble that she physically harmed herself. i see both sides of it. she has been getting help for this for as long as i've known her so i think she needs to rethink the doc she is using. it gets very complicated and can't be solved overnight but it is time for a truce, they can't change him at this late date and he can't change her. tomorrow they deal with me and hopefully i can get back to my own unusual life. like i say, i love all the kids and want him to be safe but i won't let him just use us as an easy out.

Sure, I'd give him a place to stay for a few days, but then I would send him on his way to work things out with his parents. I think it's GREAT that you took him in (hopefully he had resolved the butt nekkid problem by then) and were willing to listen to him, but after a reasonable cooling-off period, no more than a day or two, I would tell him he has to go home and work it out with his parents. Having a place to evade his problems will not help him.

He needs to tend to his responsibilities and you need to tend to yours. Friendship does not extend to burdening other people who have enough on their plates. If his problems has stressed you to the point that it is afffecting your care of Daisy, I think that is a problem that merits your attention, not the kid's nekkidness!

you are right. he was caughtby his mom buck nekkid with his girlfriend in the middle of the night. his folks are very adament about sex before marriage. dumb kid. pushed the envelope a little to far on that one. out of all the sins kids do, drinking, drugs, smoking, staying out ll night, any of them, that is the big one to his folks so he is going to have to face them, blush a bit and grow up. the average kid has sex at 14 nnow, so he did better than a lot, but he knew it was a huge no no to them. i think my break was either not long enough or i got a taste of the way others live and i want it. this kid was the other idiot who shaved his head in tennessee, mine being the other half of the butthead. he did admit that it was his idea but my son is not a sheep so i hold him equally respnsible. any way, i'm getting over it. as for chores, great idea, the kid is smart as a whip but lazy as all get out. that will drive him off when he needs sox.

Who is going to pay for his college education?? Does he have a full independent scholarship??
Later in life, he may be fired from a job and have the bank repo his car and house. Are you going to let him move in then?? sorry Hap. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I appreciate your concern for him, but he needs to go home.
Is this some sort of separation anxiety on his part?? Your patience is admirable, but what is he going to do in 5 weeks, if he can't face this now for 5 weeks. If he has a good family and a good home, that's where he should be, unless he can vacume, iron, cook, and wash dishes. Then keep him. But if he is going to be there, make him work for it. Assign him a mountain of chores for his board. See if he doesn't want to go home then. I mean a ton of chores. Room and board are not free.

Happy Im sorry to say this boy has got to learn the difference between right and wrong. Something he did within his own household was wrong and they are punishing him for it, all this is doing is re enforcing his lack of respect for other people. He needs to go back home and work things out with his own family not bother yours.
5 weeks is not a long time and my bet is theres something more to this story for parents to be taking away a car.
No baby let him work out his issues WITHOUT your help.
You have ENOUGH on your plate without adding to it.
Stand up and say with gusto NO! Out! back to your own home... this is a life lesson he NEEDS to learn.
Just cause you dont like the way things are run under someone elses roof doesnt mean you just up and leave and burden someone else