My mom retired three years ago at the age of 69 which was the same time her apt. complex was being demolished. I've lived at least five hours from her for 20 years and saw her 2 - 3 times a year. My brother and sister lived close to her and refused to help find her a new place as they were sick of her negative attitude and bitterness.

Me, being a giant dummy, agreed to get a larger place with her and allowed her to move in with me. This woman could suck the happiness out of heaven. She is an alcoholic, mean, hateful, negative and bitter. She calls my teenage son and his friends awful names and loves to humiliate him in front of them (only when I'm not around cause I won't put up with it). She doesn't treat me any better. I am a very peaceful person and try to treat everyone with kindness and consideration but she can bring out the worst in me.

She fell in May and broke her hip. I was recently laid off and agreed to help her get back on her feet, (take her to PT, appts, meals, etc.) She has had setback after setback ever since. She has plenty of money but refuses to part with a dime to make her life (and mine) easier to deal with her situation.

She refuses to even try to get up and make her morning coffee (even though I got her a cup with a lid that hooks on to her walker) yet she can get up and make herself a drink in the afternoon (she thinks I don't know this) which only increases her dementia symptoms.

She goes to adult day care three days a week and I have a caregive two - three nights. (She constantly gripes about the money she has to spend for them). I'm still exhausted and she doesn't give me any peace.

My sister died two years ago and my brother told me he would help me find a nursing home and/or maybe spend a weekend with her every 3-4 months but refuses to do more. I have no hard feelings towards him because I know exactly how he feels.

I took my sisters death very hard as she was my rock and my best friend. My grief was overwhelming. My son asked me today if I would be that sad when my mom died. I realized then that not only would I not be sad, I would probably be very relieved. Now I feel like crap for feeling that way but that's how I honestly feel.

Does anyone else have these feelings? I'm feeling really down.

MY MOTHER WAS ON A MEDS THAT IS USED FOR PARANOID PSYCHOSIS,GEODON, NOT A FAVORITE FOR MANY DOCTORS BUT PRESCRIBED BY ONE OF THE BEST BEHAVORIAL DOCTORS IN OUT AREA,ITWORKED WONDERS

Linrue how are y'all doing now?

quote:

Just wanted to let you know, they do give an antipsychotic for dimentia

B your absolutely correct they do
My MIL is on this class drugs as you all know she has AD but she also has psychosis from way back...AD meds do not work with someone who suffers with psychosis and the ones that are successfully treated with this class of meds often have Dementia induced psychosis or they have lived with it most or all of their life.
Truth I was scared poopless to even try these meds but after the AD meds having such a dramatic and derogatory effect on MIL I gave in...best decision I ever made.
I think at the end of the day you have to decide which road is best to take under these extraordinary circumstances ...
I hate to be so blunt but for the sake of argument I will...
Our LO's are for all intense purposes dying,
the question you have got to ask yourself first is if you were in this position knowing what we know so far about AD (ie that they are fully aware they arent in their right mind) would you not give a med to them that just might give them back some sense of sanity because its intended use was not specifically for this disease?
I will try anything on MIL at this point just to make her more comfortable If I dont like the effect it has on her I WILL order it taken from her drug regime toot sweet...if Mr doctor man dont like my orders tough
Research the behaviors not the disease. If you see your LO acting out of character, meaning not like a person with AD then watch them, if they have psychosis' you will see the tell tale signs/behaviors

Bren, it is like MB says. You and I are actually amoung the few odd balls here. fulltimemartins, secondchild, Billy G, many others here are doing exactlly this, keeping a loved one at home with a condition or disease causing dementia.

Some make it all the way at home, others have made another choice based on the needs of their loved one and their own abilities and resources.

Odd how often the drugs prescribed to "help" the patient do make things worse. .

quote:

From what I understand, Dimentia is something that most of the time, can't be handled at home.

Dunno where you've been reading, but MANY home caregivers successfully care for their LOs with dementia symptoms for the duration of their lives. I'm only one of them...

Anti-psychotic meds are frequently not the best choice for patients with dementia symptoms and can exacerbate the symptoms or create others, such as tardative dyskinesia. More and more, research is finding that antipsychotics, antidepressents, and other drugs developed for other purposes are NOT good therapy for patients with dementia symptoms. Each case is different and keeping an eye to the underlying cause of the dementia symptoms is often the best course of action. Believe it or not, many patients with dementia symptoms can be maintained more easily and with greater quality of life without pharma-therapy!

Just wanted to let you know, they do give an antipsychotic for dimentia. One I take helps me sleep (I have bipolar). I've known several with dimentia that have been given it by their doctors too. I was shocked.

My best friends Mother had dimentia. She really had no choice but to put her Mother in an assisted living facility. Her Mother really loved the place and was happy there.

From what I understand, Dimentia is something that most of the time, can't be handled at home. I've heard of some parents crawling out windows, thinking they are jailed in the middle of the night. Its been a night mare for the few I know in town who have tried to take care of their parent that had it. Much less it turning their house hold upside down.

If my Mother had Dimentia, I don't think I could have done that at home, and I don't work. And my Mother was a very loving person and we had a wonderful relationship.

My heart goes out to you hon. Good luck in your decision.

Linrue, I am glad you came back to ECO. Several points in your update were a relief. You have POA (probably DPOA), you have an attorney specializing in legal matters of the elderly, you stand up for yourself and your Mom, (you go girl, GREAT JOB in the ER), and your son's Dad is there for the two of you.

I have heard a theory that many 'functional' alcoholics have suffered from an undiagnosed mental illness for which they have chosen alcohol as a medication. Perhaps your mother is one. There is alcohol related dementia but I have not heard of it coming on so fast. Sometimes the malnutrition that often goes hand in hand with alcoholism is a cause, especially B vitimin deficiencies. Her doctor sounds like he is on top of things but it never hurts to ask about the tests they have run and if they haven't checked for that you can suggest it. Another possibility that has been making the news is NPH (normal pressure hydrocephalis). I am certain they have done a CTscan and it should have shown up if that was the case, but few doctors are looking for it yet. If that were the case you would notice that her walking had become more of a shuffle and her speech would slur (both easily confused with drunkeness or stroke as well as AD and other disorders) When NPH is the case, usually there is a history of head trauma but it could have been a long time ago. I wonder if she hit her head when she broke her hip. (That route is most likely a snipe hunt but it doesn't hurt to ask.)

Enough of that, sounds like she is in good hands for now. What Op said about a nursing home is true. It is another way of being a care giver, your job won't be over by a long shot. It is sometimes a necessary step if you are not the best one to deal with the needs of your loved one. That can take some real soul searching but you'll figure it out. You showed us who you are and what you are made of when you saw your mother helpless and became her lioness advocate. You ROARED. (you may have trembled , too, and that's OK, we heard you roar).

You don't have to make a decision right now, but it would be a good idea to look at NHs in your area and see about their waiting lists. Let me tell you there will probably be some sticker shock. Ask her case worker about home health aids and other options. You may not like what you see where there are openings or you may see the perfect place. You may have to bring her home for a while anyway to wait for an opening and then you will know for sure.

Keep us informed, and please get off the anger wall now. Try Less common Dementias or Daily Challanges. (I don't mean to be bossy, but I hate the orange type )

Glad to meet you Ms Lioness Advocate. You surprised yourself, didn't you.

I'm sorry to hear things took such a sudden turn. As far as a nursing home or assisted living: don't feel that ends your involvement. There are visits to make and there is care to supervise. It does mean you can sleep at night without having a monitor next to your ear. So while you're considering your options, keep that in mind. I sure hope the docs are able to determine the source of the difficulty. Hang in there!

Thanks to everyone who posted such encouraging words.

Since my first post, things have changed so much that I wonder if I didn't jinx myself by posting it. On July 5th she became extremely confused and would not sleep. She would pace the house with her walker and say that she wanted to go see her mom, dad and sister (all dead, of course - scared me to death). I took her to the ER twice. The first time they thought it was a medication reaction and discontinued two of her meds and put her on Ativan-it had no effect at all. The next day she fell off the bed as I left the room to get her lunch. Called 911 and went back to the ER. They could find no medical reason and wanted to discharge her. I lost it at the ER (her primary doctor was not on call at the time) and demanded they do something with either her or me.

Her primary care doc finally came and saw that her behavior was not the norm for her and admitted her to the psych unit. She has been deemed incompetent. She has been there for almost a week now and is still very confused. But she is now alert, cooperative and remarkably very sweet to me and the staff. She knows who I am but basically babbles about things that don't make any sense.

The docs have done a full medical work up and can't find a reason for this sudden full blown dementia. She is diabetic and her blood sugars have been abnormal, mostly because she is not eating enough.

The doctor feels that if we don't see a change soon I need to consider putting her in a nursing home.

But you know what, I don't think I can do it. I don't think she has much time left on this earth and even though she is a thorn in my side much of the time, she is still my mom. I have very few family members left and don't even know my relatives on my dad's side.

My son's dad is very involved and he actually is a very calming influence with my mom. Luckily, we have one bedroom and bath upstairs which is my son's area. Since she can't get up the stairs it's a haven for him. It's a get away for both of us (until his buddies or girlfriend comes around then I'm banned). He stays with his dad about 2-3 nights a week.

Mom was always a functional alcoholic - she rarely missed a day of work. My brother is mad because she made me her POA. What he doesn't know is that she wrote him out of the will shortly after my sis passed due to a big arguement they had (my brother instigated that one, and he was out of line in my book and didn't call her for almost a year).

I don't know what to do. The medication she is on is a antipsychotic but it appears to be working on her extreme anxiety and depression. The doc told me I don't have to make a decision soon as she could be hospitalized for a month or more.

Some days I think I must be the one that has lost it since I want her to come home after all the grief she has caused. Other days I feel that it's the right thing to do. I hope I make the right decision for all of us.

I have a meeting with her eldercare attorney next week for financial/legal advice.

Thanks again to everyone for responding. It's nice to have a place where other people are going through the same thing.

Your feelings are your feelings and you don't have to apologize for them. It is a difficult thing we are all doing/have done and understand the frustration of the situation, especially made harder for one that has a bad relationship with a LO. Prayers go out to you for what you are doing and know that you can vent here and not be judged.

Hi OnlyCarol,

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation. It's true what they say: we can't pick our relatives. Is there any possibility at all of an Assisted Living or Nursing Home for your mom?

It's OK, because I don't like my mom either, and she isn't an alchoholic. She's a perfectionist control freak. Matter of fact, I would even go so far as to say I hate her for the way she treats me and talks to me. Yes, I know that she hates being dependent and helpless. I just cannot ever get a break from her. My only sister called me on July 4th, and talked to me and not her, because my mother is very hard of hearing even with an aid, and my sister has to yell, and sis doesn't want to be bothered with that, because my sister gets a free pass due to having moderate Alzheimer's.
When my mother passes, which may be never as she is almost 95 and I have been her caregiver for 14 years, I am going to be glad. Yes, GLAD. I have had it with getting no help or respect. I can't go anywhere with getting a babysitter for a mean old woman. My daughters help enough to allow me 1 night a week away form home, so I guess I get more than some people get. But, every time I am gone I have to listen to complaints upon my return, and when I leave, I can hardly get out the door without having to do at least 2 things for Queen Elizabeth (my mother). Don't tell me I need drugs or counseling, because I have tried both. The counselors just say she won't change, I've done all the changing I can do, and antidepressants make me suicidal. So go ahead and don't like her. Some people aren't worth making the effort to like. I know.

Linrue, I send you hugs.
Listen, even those of us who had wonderful relationships with our loved ones feel some sense of relief at times, so it's not shocking to hear someone say that about someone who doesn't have such a good relationship.
We're glad you're here. Come rant or scream any time!

Linrue, you are definitely not the first person to ever post here who was a caregiver to a parent despite lifelong issues with that parent. I took care of both of my parents, but I'd had a good relationship with them, and I always think that to open your heart and your home to someone who has caused you so much pain is the mark of a truly loving and giving person.

And then sometimes you pay for it and wonder "what on earth was I thinking???" . As rough as it's been for you, I suspect you would have felt guilty if you hadn't helped your mother. Not the type of person you are, right? So you've spent 3 years caring for someone who is hateful, negative and bitter not only towards you but towards your son. Someone who is demanding and will not even attempt to help herself when and where she can. At what point does living with someone like that cease to be caregiving and become a form of masochism?

She is your Mom. Perhaps, somewhere within you, you were hoping that by moving her in with you, you could finally develop the relationship you've been denied all these years, that things would change. I wish it had worked that way for you. But now, I'd consider placing her in a NH to be a protective measure for you and your son. She is verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive to both of you, and that can be worse than physical abuse. You and your son don't deserve that.

I'm sorry for you mother, that her life has been such a place of emptiness and bitterness, but she chose her path and you must choose yours - a healthier and happier one than hers.

As to feeling guilty about knowing you'll be relieved when she dies, it's a natural emotion. It may not feel "acceptable" but it is perfectly understandable and normal in your context of events, in your life, in the relationship you've had with your mother. Don't think that you're a hard-hearted person who will be laughing at her funeral. Right now you are also overwhelmed with everything that has happened. With some time and distance from her, I think what you'll find is that one of the biggest emotions you'll have when she dies is regret - regret for what could have,and should have been, and sadness for a life that could have been so much more. Whatever you feel is okay. Give yourself room to be human.

My sympathies to you on the death of your sister. I"m so sorry you lost someone who was so important in your life.

Take care.

Linrue, opinionated is right. You are not alone that this situation leads to feelings of being trapped and down. You deserve a lot of credit for trying to help her.

No, it's not unusual to feel like this. It does make you an extra nice person for going ahead and offering compassion in return for negativity.

Linrue, welcome to ECO, normally we encourage newcomers to put their initial post in th New Care Giver's Meeting Room, but under the circumstances I understand why you decided on the anger wall. It is a good place to scream.

First, I am sorry for the loss of your sister. It was a blow in many ways. And second, that you are laid off right now. This situation can lead to depression and feelings of helplessness. Any chance you will be called back?

Was your mother like this when you were growing up? I ask because it is not common for an alcoholic to work until age 69. I wonder if it got worse since then. Do you believe she would have DTs if she couldn't get a drink? How does she get her liquor, by the way, and where is it kept? It is risky having alcohol in the house where teenagers are unsupervised except by a crazy grannie who is drinking. Right there, as the responsible adult of the house, you have every reason and need to get rid of the alcohol or at least put it under lock and key.

Is alcohol responsible for all of her dementia symptoms or has she been diagnosed with another cause. In all of this, it is your son that is most important, as you know. He is paying a very high price having an abusive grannie in the home.

I won't risk making you feel even more down by pointing out difficulties you know all too well, but you can't force her to a NH. If you are not reliant on her income and she is not incompetent, you and your son could move out and leave her to her own devices. I would guess that without her, you would need to move to a smaller place anyway.

You have not mentioned your son's father so I am going to guess he is not in the picture. If your brother is a good man, would it be a possibility for your son to visit with him some this summer and at least he could have a break from the tension. It is just a thought. It also may help if you and your son could go to al-anon or some other support group in your area for those who live with an alcoholic.

I can't do anymore typing in this room, It makes me crosseyed.