just got away for a much needed vacation. hired a nursing student to come into our home on the recommendation of a friend. i offered to pay her cash so she wouldn't have to declare it and she was the thrilled with the amount. i also gave her money to buy groceries she liked and gave her a 200.00 allowance to take daisy out to lunch and hire help to relieve her since she isn't used to 24/7 caregiving. she asked if there was anything left over could she keep it. i was stupid enough to say sure. with what i spend on daisy's care out of my pay i figured it would amount to 20-30 dollars so no big deal. when i got home things were good, the house was clean, daisy was in bed and all seemed fine. i paid her in cash the agreed amount and also included a bonus. the next day she called and said she hadn't counted the money before she left and i was 200.00 light. she said she purposely didn't hire anyone or take daisy out so she could keep the extra. i tried time after time to explain that that money was to use for variey for herself and daisy, not to just be pocketed. she told me to talk to daisy's son about it. he came for his usual visit and i did. he just shook his head and said it sounds like nursing homes that cut back on services to improve the bottom line. she called the next day asking about the 200 and i told her of our conversation again trying to impress on her what i had expected this money be used for. then she decided that her mom, who volunteered to cover while her daughter worked her other private care jobs, should be paid. that's when i blew. i am usually a pretty easy going person but i gave it too her with both barrels about how i felt daisy had been shortcahnged in outings, etc. she said daisy wanted to stay home, therefore she sadi daisy ate a bunch of her groceries, which i paid for. she pocketed the left over grocery money also. while i was 750 miles away, 3 days into my vacation my phone rang and she told me she was very concerned because she was unable to get daisy to take a shower. we worked it out for her to give her sponge baths and do the best she could. she ended up calling my friend at work who was available for emergencies because she couldn't get daisy to change her clothes. she said she wasn't very big and was afraid daisy would hit her. my friend is only 4 ft. 7". and she expected her to do it. anyway, that's just a little of the whole thing. after telling her off the phone went dead in the middle of the conversation so i think she thought i hung up on her. she called back in tears and didn't want me to be mad at her. i told her to just submit her mom's information for me to declare on taxes and i would pay her but she was not to ask me for a reference and she could forget one from the doc on her resume. she has his pesonal emergency beeper number that isn't given to anyone and i'm afraid she will start calling that one and bothering him. i learned a very valuable lesson. get it all down in writing, and details in bright crayons.

you are so right about young people not wanting to learn to deal with the elderly, it's like it's contagious.they i sure wish they could share some of their enthusiasum and energy with the older folks. my son's school and many other's now require 60 hours of community service to graduate but none of them choose the nursing homes on the list.too bad for them. i used to take my son to the independent living facility to help with christmas lights for some of the older ladies. small trees and a few lights made all the difference in their holiday season. i had him string lights on the balconies and manage the wiring. he hated it. would rather rake cig butts off the beach. hopefully he will take something into manhood about this experience. too early to tell. thanks.

FD&H, it seldomly occurs to me to be suspicious of people and I frequently overestimate their abilities and dedication to their work, whatever it is! In the case of living beings, I draw the line. Whether it's caring for someone's cat, rat or mom, it takes dedication to that individual. There are some areas of life where most young people just haven't spent enough time on the planet to understand and handle.

True fatigue. I was just talking about that with others. My mom has just completed 3 days awake and 20 hours asleep. She was so TIRED yesterday when she FINALLY let it go and shut her eyes, it was almost scary. I have been so exhausted before that I was almost AFRAID to go to sleep for fear I would just wink out!

We have had a parade of CNAs. RNs, etc. through here in the past 5 years. There hasn't been one under 35 who was competant enough to handle supervised home health tasks, let alone unsupervised. I would LOVE to be able to offer a learning opportunity to young'uns who want to learn the fine points of eldercare; unfortunately, I haven't found one yet that wanted to learn. But it COULD happen. Might be right around the corner, ya never know! If younger folks could settle down long enough to absorb some real life experiences, their energy and youthfulness would be so welcome in any eldercare situation!

You are so right - it doesn't pay to carry around bad feelings. The way that has worked best for me is to express myself, then either put it aside and go on, or turn on my heels and walk away. Either way, the bad experience is over for me, the lessons recorded and I have moved on. Life is SOOOOOO too short to brood over troubles and pick on old wounds.

mom, i agree with so much of what so many said. how can that be. i went though life carrying a hatred for someone who wronged me and the only thing it got me was many wasted years. i need desperately to find the good in people while i accept the faults.i learned a lot and i did leave her with my list of trusted friends and caregivers to call on. she had every trusted person's personal home and cell numbers available to her. every base was covered. she had doctors, hospitals, family directives in her posession, etc. just lack of true under battle experience. she certainly had never experienced what true fatique is, as with a collicky baby or triplets or ill elderly care. we don't have the luxury to just turn off the lights and take a snooze when we have had it. that's something that can't be taught in schoo l. it's a battle mindset that one adapts in the field under fire. again, live and learn and thank god it turned out ok. her son, the shrink also interviewed her and thought she had the energy and caring to do the job. i have stored everyone's comments in my experience base and will know better when we go to puerto rico or wherever. i am not going to let this imprison me. thank you all. it's not to late to add your 2 cents as i am always open to ideas. if i could give you all a gift it would be a week away to do anything your hearts desired. also i have decided what i can do with my time at home. i'll share that later.

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oh. i forgot to mention one o the things that really set me off. the c.aretaker used the meds left for if daisy had a severe anxiety episode to put her to sleep because she was tired.

That RIGHT THERE would have gotten her fired, bitched out, forever banished from my presence.

BC made a great point about acclimating the caregiver to the patient. That's why getting someone to come in for respite is such a hassle. You have to know how the person will work out well before you ever leave them the keys to the house!

She also made a fantastic point about caring for patients - institutional style or home style. There IS a world of difference!

I would not have left the girl there for a solid week and allowed her to hire someone to spell her - not even her mama! Two caregivers should have been hired for 12 hour shifts. They should have provided their own food and done their own laundry at home, same as nurses and CNAs do. The money you left was a "petty cash" type arrangement, except telling her that she was entitled to ANY of it was a mistake! It should have been used for her expenses during outings - a meal, an admission ticket, gasoline, a cold drink. Receipts for its use should have been presented to you along with any change. If you decided to allow her to keep any excess, that should have been after-the-fact.

I am glad that your experience was not worse! You have learned a lot from this episode, so try to find other caregivers to sub in a couple of hours a week so that when you need to go out of town, or cannot be there for some reason, there WILL be someone whom you can trust to take her place.

That girl is a weasel and I hope she drops out of nursing school to get married. She does not have the ethics nor sensitivity required for the job.

I don't think I would have made up with her. It would have been more like, "when hell freezes over."

I guess you can tell I hate starting from scratch with a new one, so if there is any hope for improvement I try to work it out.

Sprig, you are right that I missed the point, about keeping Daisy trapped in the house for a week was abusive. It probably was about keeping the money for herself, but I wonder too if she didn't find herself over her head, and become afraid to take Daisy out into an unfamiliar environment. She didn't know how to handle the resistance she was getting even in the house with regular routines. It might be a blessing she didn't attempt this.

bob, i don't think there is any such thing as mastering this game. the rules change every inning. it just takes someone wtih common sense, compassion and above all else flexibility, also it's important they don't steal! after our talk i think the future caregiver will be more open to every situation being different and it's not a cut and dry job. each situation is not only different but changing and it's the subtle nuances of each individual you learn, not a schedule. i like the feelings of being at peace again.

Glad to hear you have found some middle ground with her. These are learning experience on both side. I think she took on a bigger job than she thought it was , because at her age almost no one really knows what they are getting into, and believe they know all there is to know, simply because they have no clue.

One of the least successful CGs I had for Mom, (she lasted 2 weeks) was a recent graduate of a CNA program that had done training in a NH. Mom would tell me how uncooperative the woman was about meals, (she would not prepare Mom's food the way Mom wanted it because she knew better) wouldn't give Mom 5 extra min, to finish reading an article because the clock said dinner was now. Those types of things. Treating Mom as a Zoo Animal to be managed rather than an adult human individual to be respected and cared for. That was her training, to manage rather than care. She couldn't get it through her thick head that Mom Paid her and Mom was getting frustrated with Nurse Ratchett. She did a meticulous and thorough job, but dhe missed the point. Had to go.

Now, I never let them tell me they know what to do. If there is a new comer, I am in the house with them their entire fisrt shift. I show them, then I watch them, I leave them alone to get to know one another, for a while, then come back an join the conversation, and make sure that Mom is comfortable and so are they. Their second shift, I am there when they get there and make sure Mom remembers their names and make friendly chat, then I go out and do some yard work or other chores, but am close by and check in. If all is going well, I go to the store for an hour or two and then come back and we sit with Mom while we chat about how things went , what Questions came up, ask Mom what she thought of how things are going, get the CG started on a task somewhere else in the house and have a private chat with Mom. If all seems well I go home, or stay if my shift is coming up. It's alot of extra work for me, but No one starts working for her any other way, and if a new task , like an outing is done, the first time they do it with me, it is rare that someone besides me takes her out, but if I cannot for some reason take her, where she needs to go, someone needs to know how to do it Mom's way.

And with all of this, there are still mistakes and misunderstandings. Each one is a learning experience for me and I am challanged to find ways to solve these problems, so they don't reccur. I don't think I will ever master this job.

well, i talked to the caregiver i hired and made nice. i told her we were both wrong, me for not making a schedule for outings and expenses, her for cutting cornes for profit. i will pay for her mom's time and we are getting together for ice tea and to talk about what could have done differently. i was a real bitch when i let loose and so we will start over and make nice. we both learned a valuable lesson and be able to use it more wisely in the future.

Happy, I'm so glad you posted this. There is a lot to learn in this discussion. I don't have much to add, but...

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just ask me about the scavenger hunts i have been on for daisy's teeth

HOW ON EARTH do people misplace TEETH!?! Mom has had a denture bath for her bridges for as long as I can remember. After only a few weeks in the SNF mom tells me that her teeth have been lost!

I was incredulous! But sure enough, not only are her teeth gone, but the denture bath, as well! ...Good grief...how simple is it to brush the teeth and put them into the bath...and it's certainly not as if someone else swiped them to wear!

Morning Everyone, Bobcat, I truly believe you are missing a big point here. Please reread the top line of fd&h's post timed 10:53. This is not about if fd&h could afford the $200.00 or not. It's about what it was to be used for in the first place. It was meant to be spent on outings that week for Daisy. (dinner for the two of them, ((Daisy and CG)) gas for car to take Daisy for a nice drive, a movie, ice cream, lunch while out for a nice drive) Sounds clear to me. What was clear to the CG was that she figured if she spent the money on Daisy, there would be less in the end for her. So, she figured if she did NOT take Daisy out, there would be more money for her. In order for the CG to max her take home pay, poor Daisy never saw out of the house or yard for the entire week that fd&h was gone. No wonder Daisy gave the CG a hard time that week. This CG sounds more like she is planning on marrying a doctor then having a career in nursing. She put herself first on this point - what she did to increase her bottom line is a form of abuse. Keeping Daisy at home for the whole week in order for her to have more pay just really ticks me off. She did on a small scale what my inlaws did to my husband for years - keep him where he did not want to be while making plans to use the extra money on themselves. ABUSE!!!!!!! Gota duck and run about now.

Fd&h, you did all that was right to make sure Daisy would be ok and happy while you got away for a week. The CG just saw a chance to make more money. Makes you wonder if this has happened before with others that this CG has looked after.

i have heard and seen so much regarding stealing. it ticks me off when the folks report that something of theirs was stolen and it is denied and blamed on forgetfulness. it must be so frustrating to these people to not be believed. yes, often things are misplaced, just ask me about the scavenger hunts i have been on for daisy's teeth, but when something really is taken, it's a shame. i did lock up everything questionable when we left but i forgot to lock up my jewelry. i wouldn't know if some of the things were gone so i just have to trust and be more careful in the future. i'm sure this girl wouldn't but it's sad to say that some of the kids from school i wouldn't let out of my sight, esspeciallly with any meds. kids seem to be much more informed about what will sell on the streets than we ever knew. actually, i didn't know anything back then. when i read that kids sell their ridalin to others, it just bowls me over! i must admit that although i have done my best raising my son, i still get so nervous when he makes new friends. it's such a scary place out there, not like when we were hippies! sometimes i just have to let go and let god. doesn't mean i can sleep on the job. oh. i forgot to mention one o the things that really set me off. the c.aretaker used the meds left for if daisy had a severe anxiety episode to put her to sleep because she was tired. i am so against drugging the elderly for conveience. her balance is compromised when i have had to use them that i am up the whole time to make sure she isn't falling when she gets up to go to the bathroom. ok. i'm done now. that is the last of my rant. at least i think it is.

True, Right Guard, in the toilet shows a person who is truely not prepared for the job they took on. This one I've been dealing with since she was 22 did do better than that. Mom is competant enough to rat on her and she knows it.

Still there are folks here who will tell you that not stealing is a biggie. No joke.

Still it would be a poor recommendation if that was all I could say in her favor. That and that she will work day and night. If she doesn't over sleep, that is. I want to be able to say more for her, but she will have to show me more consistantly.

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what does it say about our standards in caregivers that the greatest attribute is they don't steal! that is a joke bob. i know how the little things make a person nuts. i can handle catastrophies of biblical proportions but right guard in the toilet takes the cake. these are the workers who are going to replace us soon. scares te bejeebies out of me!

Oh, Hap, the details make me nuts with Mom's yuongest CG. I guess I deal with it, because I never had a kid of my own. She thinks I pick on her terribly, and I tell her over and over again that the job with Mom won't last forever, and I want to be able to give her a good recommendation, but the little things count. Running off as soon as the next person gets there witout cleaning up after herself doesn't cut it. Leaving wet clothes in the dryer doesn't cut it.

How could I ever recommend her for any job that doesn't have constant supervision??? And I really do love her. I bring up everything that I think really matters to her , to try to help her with her work skills and she thinks I'm picking on her. I can't even say the things I don't bother with, She is kind and doesn't steal. She'll work day or night, or day and night. But she makes me nuts with her lack of attention to details, Mom loves her. She has been with us almost 3 years and it is better, but it is a constant battle.

This may not be helpful, but if I got an entire week away and came home to a healthy Mom and a reasonable house I'ld gladly eat $200. And would learn from it and be more clear next time. The Bonas would be deducted from that 200 however. That would not be negotiable.

Sorry, Sprig , if that seems like a cave-in to you. Not like me. But right now, if I had already allowed for it to be gone, I'ld count it off as a learning experience for me, and not let it upset my vacation High..

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thanks sprig. it's so not about the 200. it's a matter of what it was to be spent on that bothered me. daisy didn't even get out of the house the whole week. the sitter said she was so lonely by the night we left she couldn't imagine how caretakers do it. at least she got that right. that was also what the money was for. she's 21 and i knew a young person would want a mnental break. she called and was crying, saying she wanted to leave on good terms. i will get over it. i just don't like people shorting the elderly and vulnerable. get this! she is absolutely beautiful, the most flawless beauty, blond i have ever seen. everything about her is perfect, but her idea of cleaning the bath was to spray right guard around it! it did make me laugh. she washed her clothes for work but didn't throw daisy's clothes in at the same time because i only told her to make sure daisy was well cared for. these are very minor things but i think i like the idea of DETAILED lists in the future. i have such a backload of laundry and wet towels to catch up on. she didn't even do her own sheets or towels because she specifically asked if she could wash her work clothes and i said yes, so that was it, HER work clothes.all minor but it sure makes me realize how a technicality can be used to advantage!

My dear fd&h, I am soooooo dang proud of you!!!!!!! I am jumping for joy and dancen a gig!!!!! You told that little miss scammer OFF!!!!! GOOD GIRL!!!!! The only thing you missed was telling her you wanted the bonus money back!!! You done good and I'm damn proud to know you!!!!!