I am so angry at myself. I don't recognize myself anymore. I've become so incredibily desensitized, so terribly unloving, especially towards my father. He lays there, he cries, he hallucinates and imagines things, he does all the unmentionables in bed every night now, not just occasionaly (anymore), he wakes me in the middle of the night, every night....all things hard to handle, I know and cause to become desensitized to but I can't bring myself to coddle or just sit and talk with him. I was robbed of my life so I feel and resent being in this position. I can't find the worth in all the sacrifice, I can't find that peace without looking forward to someday when he's gone. I also know that when he's gone, is when I'll really, really grasp the blow he was dealt, I'll really feel the pity for this man who's been so critically ill for too long and how unfair this was to such a nice man and I'll hate myself even more for having lost control of my feelings when I could have applied more self-control. I show him no love....and always feeling guilty for not. I am guilty!

And everyday I tell myself that tomorrows a new day and to "keep your cool Sandy" because you'll regret it otherwise. This I say because I'm constantly losing my patience with my mother. She depends on me for her sight, she depends on me for her social interaction, she depends on me to take care of her, control her finances and shower her. It feels as though she has no regret for the position I'm in, taking care of both of them. She can't help it. She's lost. I can help it and get a grip but I don't. I feel like a bad daughter.

I mourn for my life and know that one day when tomorrow becomes another day only without them in it, I'm going to regret big time my actions and feelings. Gone is forever and I've lost people I've loved before and know those feelings of *I should have* and *too late* but I can't help these feelings from seeping and taking over or, I tell myself that I can't as a sorry excuse....

OK, today's a new day again. I'm not going to lose it. I'm not going to say or do anything I regret.

I'm always so guilty.........

This message has been edited. Last edited by: SandyF,

I just read your post from Oct.11th and boy can i relate to what you're saying. I am new to this forum but I know I need help. I am taking care of my mom w/ dementia and parkinsons disease. I feel like I am constantly getting upset with her and then I feel the guilt. Its almost a relief to know other people feel this too. Thank you for making me see that this is almost normal in an abnormal situation. I think deep down I resent her for not being my mom anymore. I feel like I'm the mother and she's the kid. I never had any children of my own so you can see how abnormal this feels to me. Thanks again for lifting my spirits a little

Yes I understand...I think, but you are doing everything you can, I can see that from your posts on ECO. I am pretty new to all this, and caring for my Mom, not both parents. I feel guilty for most things Sandy, Sometimes I glance over at my Mom & just get friggin angry. I am thinking that sometimes we get so overwhelmed (or is it a constant state,LOL).
The part about losing your life...that thought has crossed my mind way too often as of late. Let's face it, it's true. It sucks, but its true. There are no answers for me so far & I so do wish I had some for you. As I sit here now & watch my dear sweet Mom, struggle w/ things she used to do w/out effort...all the while trying to hide it & reassure me. I cry. Inside out...I have learned to cry inside out.
Keep going on Sandy.....it's all we can do right? And find the place in your heart (IT IS THERE) where you know you are doing the very best.
Sandra