My Mom's old "boyfriend" keeps visiting the NH dementia unit daily despite his new marriage being in the toilet. I figure that is his business and Mom likes his visits, so fine. But he is constantly questioning us on every decision, which I feel is NOT his business. Recently my brother and I decided he can't take Mom on outings anymore because it gets her so agitated and exhausted when he takes her to the mall or a restaurant. She has severe LBD! Anyway, so he has the nerve to go to the social worker in the NH and tell her that we are keeping Mom "imprisioned" and that the only time she will ever see the light of day is when the hearse comes to get her . I am livid that he would dare say anything like this to anyone. The social worker called me and talked to me about it and (thankfully) is supportive of our decision - which we made with input from the staff and Mom's doctors. She suggested I send him a note with our decision and why and some info on LBD since he is clearly in denial. I did. Then he called my brother and repeated his "hearse" obsentity and my brother actually now feels sorry for him and thinks the note I wrote him had a "mean tone". Frankly, I don't care if he thought I wrote with a "mean tone" or if he is annoyed he can't take Mom out. I thought we were making decisions based on Mom's best interests not the boyfriend's guilt trips. If Mom didn't like his visits so much I'd cut him off at the knees and never allow him near her again. As it is, I'm not sure I can be trusted with sharp objects near him if he dares make the "hearse" or "prisioner" comment around me.

Hannah, what I mean is, can you get something in writing for you to keep from a staff member confirming what you have seen/heard him say and do? That way if/WHEN you have to cut him off, you will have written proof from a non-family member stating that he was acting inappropriately, just in case he ever tries something stupid and you need to go to court. God forbid it ever comes to that, but it would be good to have something just in case.

MomsBuddy, ditto to what you have said.
R EMIND ME NEVER TO COME WITHIN A FOOT OF YOU IF YOU BECOME ANGRY WITH ME

Hannah, I think you have your head screwed on straight and have crossed all the "T's" and dotted all the "I's" for your mom's best interests. Allowing him to visit takes a lot of the right stuff - and is based upon concern for your mother's feelings rather than your own. So long as he cannot interfere and will stop "stirring the pot" with her, he is a positive association for her. I think you did great to warn him in writing and ennumerate the expectations of his visits. You have clearly indicated the parameters for his involvement and if he doesn't respect those boundaries, his visits lose any therapeutic purpose they might have held for your mom.

You have behaved like a class act, despite the fact of having to deal with a mangey weasel. If he refuses to be a positive influence in her life, put the hammer down without mercy. He deserves none. I know the only reason he is even a source of discussion is your regard for your Mom's impaired judgment and feelings.

So when he finally steps outta line and is banished from the kingdom, can we have a bonfire and dance around singing "I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair..."?

"I would also be concerned he may try to find away to get some of her money."

Mae, I am pretty comfortable that he can't get her money ever again. My brother and I have co-legal guardianship and Mom herself has no access to any money at all. Her social security check goes direct deposit to the NH with only $15 left to spend per month. We have $10,000 in a Medicaid/Medicare exempt trust fund for her in case she needs anything else and then a burial CD. So I feel ok about the money if nothing else.

I would also be concerned he may try to find away to get some of her money.This guy sounds sly as a fox.
He may seriously care about mom.But he has to know his limits.If he did not have a wife I would say he is an exceptional man if he had not try to get that money, in the past , from her.
You truly are caught in the middle.He makes mom feel better but you have to find a happy medium.

I agree with Mae... You got needs? Meet Mr. Hand. I don't think ANY sexual contact between a person who is altered and a healthy person is morally right because in this case they are both not consenting adults. If you have a spouse that you want to share physical love with, and they are in this illness, then hug them, kiss them, hold their hand...

And Sister Awake I was attempting to do what you suggest with the letter in that it is a written warning. I was very clear about NO this and NO MORE that and that he would ONLY be allowed to visit if he followed all these rules. I also told him never again to go to a staff member and ask them to change a decision we had made for Mom. At the bottom of the letter I put "PC" to my brother and the NH social worker so he would know that we are all sharing the same information and are all on the same page. And I copied the information to them and sent it the same day. (my brother still thinks I was mean...the social worker said "perfect") I also talked to the head nurse on the dementia unit and she said she will watch for any violations and let me know immediately. Then I will say, "You were warned in writing. Goodbye."

I also agree with you other ladies that he should go hang with his wife and leave my Mom alone. If he is hanging with Mom because of lonliness due to a bad marriage or guilt, I feel no obligation to have my Mom be his "fix".

My personal feeling is that he is in deep denial. He tells the social worker that, "Maybe in the spring she will be well enough to go on vacation with me." He also wants to pay for my brother and I to take her to Rochester Mn for a "correct diagnosis". I also told him in my letter that this is not going to happen. She has had every test, every medication, two neurologist's opinions, a psychologist, and two medical doctors who all agree. I'm not putting her through more just to ease him through his denial.

Yes, as long as I'm angry just thinking about this guy I may as well say that I do believe there is a special punishment out there in the afterlife for those who mistreat someone who can't defend themselves be it our patients or our children or our animals.

To hear that any man would dare to take advantage of someone so vunerable would make me spit fire.
I , like the other, would not allow him to take her from the facility.You never know what goes through his mind.He could face very serious charges if something were to happen.
I also thought the husband coming to have sex with his wife who had dementia was out of bounds.
I would suggest that he become familiar with sally palm.Sorry but I find it out rages that any one takes advantage of some one so vunerable
To me is suggests no respect for the person on the receiving end.
If they were able to put her symptoms aside fr their pleasure then take care of them at her pleasure.But they way to some mens heart is through their penis

OH Yeah, Bun, you know I agree!!!!

You aint offended me Blue cause thats exactly how I feel and what I meant by a "criminal act".
Theres something seriously wrong with a person that does this to an altered person IMHO
I believe if this is consensual sex between a husband and wife or 2 altered adults thats completely different but these 2 stories are a whole nother matter this man Hannah has to deal with has no legal rights to her mom that was severed long ago and this man at the NH he came looking for this female resident I dont know call me crazy I think that is also considered stalking with intent to commit rape whatchoo think ?

Hannah, I have to say I totallly agree, this man should be prohibited from taking ONE step into this facility. He should also have a restraining order against him. Bunny is right, your Mom is in an altered state, I would dare say that if he touched her it should be considered attempted rape, or rape!

Your Mom needs to be protected from this guy. I hope I have not offended anyone.

And tell the jackass that if he spent half as much time with his own Wife his marriage wouldn't be on the rocks! Your Mother is not his mistress, so he shoud "go away"!!!

This does NOT sound to me as if he actually cares about your mom.... This sounds like he's trying to rekindle some kind of romantic fantasy. Why does he want to take your mom out of the building? Your Mom may enjoy his visits but it sounds like he's putting her in physical danger, giving her sweets and trying to take her out of the facility. Just because you enjoy something doesn't mean it's in your best interests; hell if it did I'd sit at home drinking Kahlua all day! Wait until he does one more thing wrong, then tell him "I warned you" and put him on the "no visitor" list and get a restraining order! If you need to, get a written statement from someone else at the facility who has observed his behavior just in case you need the evidence later.

quote:

Originally posted by T.O.R.P.:

The visits and gifts themselves may be window dressing so that he can perpetuate the "star crossed lovers, divided by fate and evil family"
Pathological liars will stick with their story to the point that they almost get to believing their own lies.

Backatcha Baby preach on! I completely agree with you here I had a foster sister who was called by a counselor a "Pathological Liar" and what you said here is exactly what they do they tell stories so much they start to believe it as truth.
One thing I saw was she would include me in her lies RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME its amazing she would have a straight face like it was the gods honest truth she was tellin.... Amazing simply amazing....

quote:

Originally posted by Bunnys_grl:
His marriage, he did that all by himself as far as I can see.

Preach it. I absolutely agree.

The visits and gifts themselves may be window dressing so that he can perpetuate the "star crossed lovers, divided by fate and evil family" lies he probably fed to his wife and others who don't know that he's an opportunist and thief.

Pathological liars will stick with their story to the point that they almost get to believing their own lies.

Now see I hesitated on this story for a bit but Im gonna tell it. At the NH I was interning at a Man visited one of my residents to uh...well you know.
The thing about this is, he IS married she has kids that much I know. One day while tending to her in the bathroom the staff ran in cause this woman has a distinctive sound she makes they thought the man was in there with her.
I didnt know what the hell was goin on and dam near bit all their heads off for privacy violation (hey I take that seriously!) One of the CNA's then informed me of what has happened in the past.
I just cant see how a man can do something like this to an altered human being...in my mind Im sorry its a criminal act I just cant get past this.
Hannah whether or not your mom knew him or not in the past doesnt excuse what he is doing now it shows ignorance on his part and excuse me if something happened to your mom on one of these outings what would he then have to say for himself? What if she choked on a candy he gave her? Would he say he's sorry for his ignorance and think you would stand idly by to let it happen again???
I would ensure that man was taken off the visitors list should he not abide my wishes I would then take this to the police and place an order of protection against this man he is a danger to your mom's welfare.
His marriage, he did that all by himself as far as I can see, he put someone ahead of his own wife in plain view. Dam but thats a slap in the face to his poor wife! Thats messed up, anyone with that lack of respect I wouldnt allow near my mother happiness or not, my question is what exactly is his agenda?
His entire behavior in all this merits suspicion IMHO

Thanks all! Hearing that I am not the "mean one" helps. I had also put in my "mean" letter to him some other things that we have asked him not to do before and he ignores. In this letter I said that he will not be allowed to visit if he doesn't stop doing these things. No more ignoring the rules. First he is not supposed to bring Mom candy and pop to her room and he does it anyway. She eats it all in one sitting and is sick. Or she hides it around her room and other's rooms which is dangerous for those who aren't supposed to have it. Staff wants it checked in and they dole it out to her in small servings. Second he brings her novels and political magazines which she CAN'T READ and gets frustrated and then sorts and resorts in her room. I told him NO MORE. I suggested if he wants to bring her magazines he should look for something with minimal text, lots of pictures and only one at a time. My brother keeps saying how sorry he feels for Leo, how unhappy his marriage is, how he must really love Mom to keep visitng. My response is, "Yeh me must really love her alot. That is why he tried to steal $12,000 from her before we got guardianship." As to his marriage...not my problem. I can barely look at the slug but Mom likes his visits. No other reason than that allows me to tolerate his presence.
The Sandra O Connor article made me think too...hmmmm I don't know about that.... sounded a bit odd to me.

quote:

Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:
Let's sic the bikers on him...
Avoid felonies that can be traced back to you.

I <3 MB! lol lol lol A woman after my own heart.

Re the "boyfriend": Even if you told this loser to fornicate himself, I wouldn't say that you were too harsh. I'm sick of outsiders who AREN'T responsible or accountable meddling when they don't know what the heck they are talking about, not having access to the medical records and not having received the advice of the medical professionals responsible for our LO's care.

Hannah, I agree with everyone! This guy is a low life jerk, and obviously has nothing bettter to do with his time than to keep your family in a tizzy. He is knew how to push your brothers buttons, and shame on brother for not taking his families side!!!!

I voiced concerns about the "romantic notions" the O'Conner story advanced. As much as I can enjoy the idea of romance, there have to be limits. I would like to think this man simply wants the best for his old friend, but stick to you guns Hannah, if it smells like a rat, it is probably a RAT.