I hate for my very first post here to be a vent, but I am at the end of my rope. I am 33 years old, I'm a SAHM with a 8 year old daughter and a 10 month old daughter. I am the primary caregiver for my father. He is 62 years old, legally blind, and had mild mental retardation. He has a tendency to be wildly dramatic. He can function well enough to live alone, but I handle his money, pay his bills, make his appointments and make sure he gets to them, I read his mail (most of it comes directly to me), he basically does nothing for himself outside of his daily personal care.

I have a brother, sister, and a mother. My mother packed up and left 3 years ago and no one has heard from her since. As far as my taking care of my father is concerned, my brother, sister, and mother are absolutely worthless. My brother only comes around when he wants something. He won't do a thing for anyone unless there is something in it for him. My sister is a drug addict/alcoholic. She's too wrapped up in herself to do anything for anyone. She's also a pathological liar who enjoys stirring up trouble. She tells my father outrageous stories, which he believes without a doubt, even though he's been told that she lies and he's not to believe these wild stories of hers. However, since my father also has tendencies toward the dramatic, he ends up fueling the fire so to speak.

I'm left to deal with my father basically by myself. My husband helps out as much as possible, but has limited patience.

What I want to know is how do you deal with it all without getting frustrated to the breaking point? I find myself getting so angry and frustrated I start taking things out on my husband or my kids. I catch myself saying things to them out of anger. I don't want to be this way.

How do you deal with the stress when life gets crazy and overwhelming?

Oh sweetie you are quite welcome but do stick around Im pretty sure we can all learn much from each other.
I look forward to getting to know you better

Bunnys_grl ~ thanks for the website, I'm checking it out now.

My father has mild mental retardation and is legally blind. He can see well enough to live alone and take care of his daily needs. I make meals for him that he can re-heat in the microwave, as he cannot use the stove/oven. Due to the retardation, he cannot handle his own money, read a calendar, or tell time on a digital clock, among other things.

we all snap at times. hit the anger wall when you are stressed. you are not alone, even when no one is around at the time, they won't be far behind. the calvary will be there for you. i don't think there is much out there that someone here hasn't some experience with or felt in the past. they are an incredible combination of heart, soul, knowledge and compassion. don't be afraid to hit the keyboard anytime. sometimes the frustration, anger, lonliness, disappointment, guilt, i could go on and on, you will experience about every emotion known to man and they are all normal.taking a time out for yourself seems easier said than done but it's serious. i learn something new each day by these unsung heros.

Shasta I have to reiterate here your father is mentally challenged correct? Or do you just mean he has deficiencies from other diseases because if he is mentally challenged then there are programs out there that help families out this is an entirely different program than say someone with AD and since he is still so young they can put him into a work experience program to keep him busy supermarkets are real good at hiring mentally challenged individuals for a whole range of things during summer months I actually used to do alot of the paperwork when hiring months came around so it is all out there if you need it.

Sorry I forgot he is legally blind but there are other things they can get him to do here is a website that may help to find some of these resources for your dad
http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Bunnys_grl,

Shasta, we all have a pity party sometimes and the rest of us play the violin and bring the cheese. (while we know we can count on everyone here to KICK start us going again).
I know you feel very much alone. There are ways to make that better, and we'll help you find them.

Thank you all so much for all the replies, advice, and support.

Moms_Buddy ~ to answer your question, my father lives alone with my assistance. I've checked out every program and service for elderly/low-income people that I could find. My father, unfortunately, qualifies for very little, due to his income and that he lives in subsidized housing. And you were right, I was having a pity party and feeling bad for myself this morning. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I think that was just what I needed today.

Again, thanks to all for your support. I appreciate it and hope to return the favor sometime soon.

quote:

What I want to know is how do you deal with it all without getting frustrated to the breaking point? I find myself getting so angry and frustrated I start taking things out on my husband or my kids. I catch myself saying things to them out of anger. I don't want to be this way.

How do you deal with the stress when life gets crazy and overwhelming?

Welcome, Shasta! I so admire you stepping up to these responsibilities, especially at your age. I do not blame you for having resentment toward those who could and should be helping you, but don't waste any of your precious energy on being angry that they aren't there for you and your dad - the reality is that they are less than no help so don't expect anything from them.

I am a little confused - is he living alone with your assistance, or is he living with you? In either case, he should be eligible for meals on wheels and other services for older folks who have little money and ability to do for themselves.

BUT, to answer your question, it ain't easy, darlin' and ALL of us have our moments... sometimes several times a day! The first RULE to learn and adhere to is to take it easy on yourself! Your life is already plenty challenging with the duties of a wife and mother of young children. Just as we cannot choke our kids when they jump on our last nerve, so we cannot choke our parents either when they tell us the same story for the 50ith time within 2 hours! Your first rule is to care for the caregiver. Without caring for yourself FIRST, everything else falls apart. Having a place around your home where you can go to be ALONE, where the kids and husband and father ALL know not to bother you upon peril of their lives is the first need. Understanding your father's condition and difficulties helps a lot. Just as we have to relearn what it's like to be a know-nuttin' little kid, we also have to project into what it is like to become a know-nuttin' elderly adult. Kids and elderly parents both tax our patience, but their issues are so different; thus, so is the way we must handle their issues. You can't take things personally! Kids sometimes do mean things on purpose because they have little impulse control and we have to NOT kill them and teach them to behave more civilly. With older folks, their mental capacity diminishes, but their experiences are those of a full grown, independent adult. Kids become independent; elderly folks lose their independence and become dependent. You can teach and train kids; adults, particularly those who have degenerative brain disorders lose the ability to learn and adapt to new situations and tasks.
So UNDERSTANDING that it is NOT personal is the first step. Detaching yourself is the next step. Just as you have to detach yourself from wanting to give in to a wailing child when they are being manipulative, you also have to detach yourself from an elderly parent who is pushng you to your limits. As with children, BEFORE you start yelling, walk out of the room, even if it means leaving people hanging. When your temper is getting the best of you, best defense is no be there! Learn how to recenter yourself. Some folks meditate; others pray; still others do yoga and deep breathing; many let Calgon take them away - everyone has a way they soothe themselves and quiet their mind and recenter their inner self. Having a support group with whom to vent about these special issues is a godsend! The folks here are wonderful, but it's really great to have some friends or acquaintances in your area with whom you can share the issues that no one but a caregiver understands, wants to deal with or talk about. Frustration, anger and sadness are ALL issues with which each of us is familiar. Many people treat us like lepers because we deal with issues that are very uncomfortable and disturbing to folks. Don't let it get you down! We're here 24/7 and we DO understand the issues you face and the frustrations of dealing with other family members who are not "hands on." Often, just behind the anger and frustration is depression and resentment and lonliness. When you find yourself "losing it," take care of yourself! You are not WonderWOman - you are only ONE woman who is responsible for a wide variety of people and issues that would break most CEOs. Be KIND to yourself. If you do not give yourself understanding, sympathy and care, it's hard to give it to others. Be honest when dealing with your dad. If you are on one of your "last nerve days," don't hesitate to tell him you are having a bad one so he can understand that your feelings and behavior are not his fault - they belong to you and some days, Mom/daughter has a rough time being everything to everyone. Most parents have had the experience of one of our children bringing us to tears with their kindness toward us when we are having a rough one; the same thing sometimes happens with our old folks if we will just be honest in our dealings with them. Patronizing or pretending doesn't cut it. Although every parent and caregiver has to have good acting abilities, some days, we don't do as well "on stage" as others. Some days my best is absolutely brilliant; other days, my best is piss poor. We're all human and allowed to be so.

Our worst enemy is self-pity. You will find that anger and frustration usually signal a pity-party in progress. Having understanding for yourself doesn't extend to letting yourself throw a furious sh*tfit any more than that will fly with a tantrumming 2 year old. Get hip to your own trip and learn when you are most likely to stress out and take steps to head it off at the pass. That doesn't ensure that you will NEVER run down the road nekkid screamin'bloody murder, but it WILL strengthen your emotional "muscles" to roll with the punches. We have the promise of a new day every day. Sure our troubles will be there as soon as our feet hit the floor (some days, even before!), but taking time out for renewal is the key to staying on top of the wave instead of being engulfed by it. It also helps to quiet your mind and view things just as they are - no bigger and no smaller. We all have a tendency to "go off" about minor things, so try not to sweat the small stuff. I try to remain open to the plights of others - it doesn't make my load any lighter, but is it proof positive that there are a whole lotta folks out there who have it FAR worse than I do. One of my favorite sayings to myself is to pick it back up - drop that cross again and I'm outta the parade! When you are tired and frustrated, don't use your feelings as weapons and allow yourself to fall into the role of a martyr. Everyone has jobs to do in life - some are easier than yours; many are much more challenging.

GET ENOUGH REST!! The importance of SLEEP cannot be overemphasized. I'm sure you have had experiences where you overreacted because your were worn out. If you show others that you take caring for yourself (mind, body and spirit) seriously, those around you will also take your needs more seriously. Involving others to assist you, even little people can contribute, is the best way to demonstrate how important their assistance is to you. Congratulating and complimenting yourself for a job well done is far more important than kicking yourself in the butt for the times when you fall short.

Having understanding for your kids and husband is important. They are not hands on, so they do not understand things from your point of view and never will. Taking care of your dad impacts everyone, so instead of resenting them when they disappoint you, try to appreciate the sacrifices they are making in their lives because of the effects of your caring for dad. Attitude is EVERYTHING. You can't help how you feel, but you CAN help what you do with those feelings. I try to put the bad feelings by the curb as soon as possible and remember to focus on the free wonderful things that surround each of us every day! Enjoying the simple miracle of a bird flying or a flower growing is a much better use of my energy than being pissed off that no one brought home any milk.

Hope some of this helps and that you are feeling better! Each day you survive and thrive is proof positive that you CAN do it! This is energy you can draw on when everything looks bleak. Every day brings trials, but it also brings hope and joy. Deciding which one to focus upon makes all the difference in how the day ends up.

If you proceed now to The ECO Bar & Grill, tell Harry to give you a double of your favorite poison and put it on my cyber tab. It's okay to prop your feet up on the barstools - in the winter, Harry even lets us wear fuzzy slippers!

Shasta, I posted another anger wall post, but I want you to find yours easily until you learn your way around, so this post is really only to bring yours back to the top. Easy to find.

Family can keep you floating, or sink you. Don't let 'em sink you.

Shasta welcome in.
Dont ever apologize for venting you need to get it out and talk to others in similar situations that understand the stresses you face everyday.
I mean really your father kids and a hunny too (hey they tend to add to the already full plate too )

Nice blood kin ya got there sweetie alot of us here can attest to this being a big factor in all this so we need to talk about ideas for you to get some of this mess off your plate to give you some breathing room and get that anger under control.
Does your Dad have a Case worker or a Social worker?
There is Adult Day care available for mentally challenged individuals. These workers can find you help and support to help you balance things out a bit. .

How do we deal with it without getting frustrated? We don't.
We deal with it, frustrations and all. We all have our breaking points - most of us reach that point weekly, if not daily. Some of us get very good at picking up the broken pieces and starting again.
We grab the chance to post here on the anger wall. This section has the support we all need. It's one of the spots that "take care of the caregiver". There are a couple other sections for the caregiver, and the rest offer what solutions, tips and tricks we can give in order to take care of our loved ones.
A lot of us have worthless family members, too.
Have you checked with any agencies in your area, to see what services they can offer you and your dad? Is there a Senior Center where he could go and spend a couple of hours?
Best of luck - hug your little ones and your hubby, too. Remember, even if no one is on here at the same time you are, your post will be read and responded to. Rant away - we hear and understand.

shasta, welcome. we all start somewhere and the angry wall was a great start! unfortunately so many of us have found that we have to start with zero expectations from families to avoid greater disappointment. i am sorry for everyone who finds themselves in this position. i was blessed with agreat family when it came to bothof my parents illnesses but it wasn't great after their deaths. i never thought my one brother would be like he was and it caused an incredible split in a family of what had been very close, of all things over a couple of pocket watches and a couple of rings, none of which had any monetary value! just hurt feelings. with the alz. woman who lives with us i have not been so blessed by supporting family. stuck their heads in the sand and "LET GEORGE DO IT.!" she does have one good son so he is a blessing and so is his new wife.i don't think there is a day that goes by that i don't want to cry or scream or hit my sons punching bag. he even told me to get rid of her, that i wasn't like this before she came here. what he isn't getting is that in the four years i have known her he has gone through the mid teen yearsand is now a good but frustrating typical teen. that is in itself a great irritant! please vent as much as you like. i think even mother theresa would have lost it with some of these bozo and lunkheads and spawns of satan. hang in there. talk to you later. find humor and don't forget to laugh out loud once in a while. it is the best medicine.

Oh,baby, you aren't the only one to start here, with a rant and a cry for help. Just a place to scream a bit is a help in itself, in a place where people share the stress you are facing. No one will tell you that it's no big deal, because it really, really is.

To recognise the symptems of stress is a very big step starting towards getting a grip on these issues. And it sounds you have some very legitiment ones. Some days it just feels like everyone is out to sabatage your best efforts to keep a balancing act going. You feel like a juggler with a good act if only the hecklers in the audience would just stop throwing banana peels on the stage. If they would just let you do what you have to do, it would get done. And it is true.

This got dumped in your lap, and you are doing it with bozos in your face. You are on the right track by sharing your story.