Right now, I have not one nice thing to say about my mil. The woman has a terrible mean streak, she plays pitty games, and only thinks of herself, she has been this way since I have come in to the famiy and that is over 30 years ago.

Sunday, when H and I were out in HER yard, mowing and trimming trees, a 2.5 acre yard, that I mowed after I had mowed my own 2 acre yard. I was poooped, tired, thirsty, hungry, dirty....she comes outside shaking her cane at my h, who had told her yestereday morning that he would bring her more cigarettes. We can't let her have the whole case at once, or she would smoke 3 packs a day. We are working on limiting her cigs to one pack a day, for several reasons, one, she barely has the money, we are taking $$ out of our savings to supplement her checking so she can pay bills and care takers. Two, the darn things are expensive she does not have the funds to purchase them, and Three, if she smokes 3 packs a day, we can't come in her house there are stagnant smoke clouds drifting through the rooms, we are afraid she is going to burn her clothes or the tablecloth, and catch the house on fire. She only wants to sit, drink coffee and smoke. She was always a lazy person, all these years I have known her, the biggest past time she can come up with is sitting in a chair, or laying on the couch! When my h went in to get out her cigs, she was verbally abusive to him, she said some very cruel things to both of us. Things that she knew what she was saying,and saying it all out of vengence for not having a bowl full of cigarettes just because she wants it that way. Frankly, I resent spending money,we have worked so hard to save,and save, and save, to buy her cigarettes with it. I just am not happy about that at all, she does not even appreciate it, or say thank you, she expects it!!!

Yes, she is greiving the loss of her husband, but it does not give her the right to take it out on us!!! I am simply not going to put up with it, I have gone out of my way, to change my life, to give up things I had planned during my personal time, to do things for her. I never minded one time, helping my fil, he was a very sick man,and I was the only person who would take him to the DR., the ER, and stay with him in the hospital.Not a problem, and I dont mind helping her get to the DR., hair appointments, dentists, eye Dr's. But, after her ugly selfish little tirade Sunday,the next time she comes up with her cruel barbs, I am going to sit down and explain to her that if I ever hear her verbally abusing my h, her son, that she is going to have a hard time finding anyone else to see to her needs! That if she does not step down off of her high horse and get over herself, that I will personally see to it that someone else do her errands, pay her CG's, sit at the pharmacy and so on.

I have been verbally abused by this woman since I married her son. I will not take it any more. If she had AD, or was diagnosed with a different form of D, then I would be more compassionate and patient. But this woman, as I said, has a mean streak, and loves to keep the pot stirring. I for one,am not going to be standing there again when her pot boils over. I don't have to put up with being treated that way, and I won't.

She had my h so upset, he had tears in his eyes. He misses his Dad terribly and is trying to hard to take good care of his Mom. He is doing a good job, but is very stressed. Right now, I really dont care too much about what is going on with her.....she is on my list! Down south, we call it a "shit list".

Anyway, I have rambled on, and I hope no one is offended, but this woman is bright and knows her game well. I am SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Eggsactly BC! like my monitor that I have here for MIL all I have to do is hook it up to the VCR and record a couple of hours worth of footage on my MIL when shes off on a bender here its the greatest thing too since you dont have to be in close proximity to them But you can do a sneaky pete and hug the wall or stay behind a corner to catch her in action with a camera Blue

Yeah that! I have had that on my mind, something to definitely think about!!

BWB, do you have a camcorder or some such? My experience today, with my goat(Not to make a comparison) was an eyeopener in some ways. I could document his symptoms nd show the "doc". Granted, because some one better than me could edit to show what ever they wanted, it shouldn't have "legal" weight. But for MIL or Mom , either one, something you could show the Dr. of person at home could be of use.
I know," BC's gotten carried away with Hub's toy". Just a thought that such a thing might be useful. I don't doubt it's been done before, both honestly and dishonestly.

The DPOA is for just this situation; however, a POA will not suffice. The doctor will be able to advise you best. BWB, I know it's a lot with which to cope. Taking action is the quickest way to a better solution for all concerned. I know your husband doesn't want to deal with any of this and I don't blame him one little bit either, but things will rapidly worsen and put more unbearable stress on y'all if things are simply allowed to progress until SOMEONE pops a blood vessel!

Can a person be forced to go through this, if they have not been ruled incompetent, or have signed over POA and DPOA, and how would you get them ruled incompetent without the testing?? Do you need to petition the court, to order these test, for a reluctant patient?
I quess I'm talking about the famous Catch 22, here. I can't remember, BWB, if you have said before if anyone has DPOA for her. If so, I would think her protest can be over ridden, but if not, That may be an issue to address first. And of course, in a very sneaky way.
Good luck, it sounds like you'll need it.
Please find some time here to take care of yourself. There seems to be just too much going on at once.

Thanks DW!

I totally expect her to put up a huge fuss,and it will be so ugly, that will be the end of the evaluation.

I do not intend on putting up with her abuse.

She will do it again, and I am going to tell her that she needs to be nice to me, because I am the person who takes care of her needs. If not for me, she will not be able to see the DR., or go to the beauty shop. No dentists appointments, or eye dr. etc.

I feel for her, she is missing her h terribly. She does have dementia, we understand and are very compassionate.

However, I have so much to deal with right now, that I am simply not going to put up with it again!

MB and BWB, that's what we had done for Don, but we were really really sneaky. He had fallen, and the bump on his head was "bad enough" to require a trip to the emergency dept.
I alerted the staff as to what I wanted, and they were very helpful. Brought in a psychologist to "check to see if the bump impaired his thought processes."
What they found was serious enough to warrent an inpatient evaluation.
One word of caution: They cannot keep patients against their wishes!. Don put up a fuss, and after 4 days they discharged him, with the promise that we would follow up with outpatient testing. I made sure he did that, and he went along because he wanted to find out, too.
I'm sure that if MILs docs have concerns, they will be more than happy to arrange an inpatient stay for evaluation.
Best of luck - and remember, you do NOT have to put up with the abuse she dishes out.

Wow! Lots of info MB, this is very helpful!
I dont know how to deal with this, when I have so much other stuff piled on top, and as with everyday normal life the stuff keeps on coming every day!!!

I appreciate it all, you will never know how much!

BWB, in-patient geriatric psych evaluations are conducted in a locked-down ward of the local hospital or rehab facility - our hospital calls theirs the "senior care center." Medicare pays for this type of testing. The office tests for dementia are pretty inconclusive unless someone is pretty impaired - many dementia patients can "fake" them. The in-patient evaluation is usually conducted by a neuorologist, psychiatrist or geriatric version of a combination of the two (geriatric neuro-psychiatrist). Not only do they do rigorous testing on her neurological functions (to check for damage, etc.) but they also do the psych workup which will indicate what psychological problems the patient might have and the causes (psychological problems can have organic causes from underlying disease processes). The family & caregiver(s) are frequently interviewed early on to report their concerns, observations, ideas and goals for the patient. A team of folks evaluate her physical as well as mental abilities as well as any and all medications the patient is currently taking. Many patients suffering from neurological problems from vascular dementia, AD, etc. also have physical problems associated with the disease process, such as balance problems, vertigo, tremors, swallowing, etc. Once all the testing is complete, all the pros get together and present their findings to one another, then they decide on a diagnosis and course of treatment which may include medication, physical therapies of varying types, speech therapy (not for talking, but for swallowing), psychological therapy, etc. Then they contact the next-of-kin or caregiver and have a sitdown meeting where everything is explained to the patient's family and caregiver(s). Usually a few choices are presented and y'all will have the chance to offer feedback and preferences. If the patient requires medication, they frequently will start it in-patient so that if the patient has a bad reaction, they can handle it more efficiently than if it occurred in the home.

The best course of action is NOT to inform the patient that they will be scheduled for 14 days in lockdown next week, unless you enjoy hystrionics and family fireworks displays! Tell her the day before - I suggest that you tell her she has to go in the hospital for some overnight testing (pick something acceptable and innocuous). If you anticipate that she will not cooperate, don't even tell her it's overnight - just take her and let the pros handle the rest. Do inform the staff what you told her so that they can play along, etc.

Family is usually allowed to visit in the evenings during this time and she will probably complain bitterly and demand to be sprung. Simply reassure her that the docs wanna do a lot of tests so that they can help her stay independent and healthy longer and that it's only for a little while and she'll be going home very soon.

Her surliness, forgetfulness, mood swings, abusiveness and other bizarre behaviors are all symptoms of dementia. They can also be attributed to other conditions, or even nothing wrong at all other than she's a forgetful, flighty, surly ol' lady! But I do not think that will be the case with her! Although it is difficult to "give them up" to the care of the pros for a couple of weeks, I can assure you, the information you will receive and advice you'll be given, not to mention therapies begun, will make those couple of weeks very valuable and infinitely worth the trouble! They will use the opportunity to go through her with a fine-toothed comb - x-rays, MRIs, CAT scans, bloodwork - the works!

The best way to arrange this is to make an appointment with her doc for a meeting with her most involved family members and caregivers. In my case, only I attended but I took notes from the observations of my sister and others and presented them. It isn't necessary for a huge bunch of people to attend, but be sure to document their observations and concerns and present them to the doc, even if you think they are fulla the brown stuff - others may be "on to" something you are overlooking or misunderstanding. After presenting your observations and concerns, ask the doc about an inpatient geriatric psych evaluation. The doc may want to refer her to a specialist (a gerontologist, psychiatrist, etc.), but the general practitioner does have the power to refer her for this kind of testing - doesn't have to be a specialist, although there will usually be a neurologist who heads up the testing.

It is important that this kind of testing be done inpatient because ALL the patient's behavior is observed 24/7. Taking them to individual appointments will not reflect as accurate a picture because how they are reacting to the testing is an important observation in itself, simply to see how well and how long they can "fake it." Sometimes the testers deliberately "stress" the patient to see how they handle environmental stressors - like throwing conniption fits, giving the staff a hard time, etc. Trust me when I say these folks DO know their stuff! It's also important that the person is away from family when the tests are done so they cannot cue from us and so the staff can get the most accurate picture of how this individual is doing without others to play to or hide behind.

Because of her smoking, she needs a pulmonary function workup which can also take place at the same time. Her O2 levels need to be checked at rest, when exercising and while sleeping. It would be totally reasonable to request that they withdraw her from nicotine during this time. That should produce some fireworks, but they can handle whatever she dishes out. Her coughing is a big concern and simply giving her robo ain't gonna get it! Pneumonia and coughing are not the ONLY problems that come from heavy smoking!

Once the testing is over and the results have been presented to y'all, it will be YOUR job to follow up and continue. She will ask for a smoke as soon as she is out of the facity's doors! If you give her ONE, you may as well hang it up. Remember: this is NOT personal - this is healthcare and she is your patient - not your mom, MIL or friend... The fits she throws, the mean things she says are to be largely ignored. This is not to say that her feelings and preferences are to be ignored - just the bad behavior. There should be groups in your area which can help support you and offer advice on how to take care of a surly patient without allowing their behavior to upset you. Lecturing and fussing with elderly patients is simply out of the question. Judging them for their past or present behavior is inappropriate. If you do have issues with her from old times, or behaviors that are driving you nutz, taking those to a counsellor is the thing to do to help you cope - trying to work things out with your MIL is not an option because she cannot be an equal partner in the relationship.

Good luck, dear. You MAY have to be a little sneaky about how to handle getting her there, but once she is there (please tell me your DH has a DPOA), you can relax. I have been in your DH's shoes and it really kinda sux to have to lie to yo' mama, but THIS is the stuff caregiving is made of - making good decisions for another when their sense of reason leaves the building with Elvis. Loving and caring for people doesn't mean letting them do whatever they wish - sometimes it means doing what's best for them and that is not as easy as it sounds! It forces us sometimes to allow behaviors and personal preferences with which we don't agree (like watching "Wheel of FOrtune" 3 X a day). There IS a fine line between lovingly overriding their wishes and imposing one's own set of standards upon them. One should always approach this with a LOT of respect for individual differences, despite one's feelings about those differences. Give DH a big hug (you, too) and make those calls to the doc to get the ball rolling. I think you will look back and find it was the smartest thing y'all ever did!

PS THis would be a GREAT time to get the family together and go through her house like a white tornado. Wash those funky walls, shampoo the carpet and drapes and upholstery and get that smoke OUTTA there!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Moms_Buddy,

MB, I have no idea how an in patient geriatric psyche evalutation works. OMYGOSH, she would get so mad, she would go off the deep end. But, It would be a great help and lead us in the right direction for her health care. Do I ask her regualar doc about this? Where do they go for this type of evaluation? I am sure medicare pays for this right?

She coughs terribly, and we give her robitussin.
I take her in monthly for this cough and her lungs are clear of pneumonia. Frankly, I am getting so tired of this, she DOES need to be evaluated!!! Big time!!!

quote:

Her behavior is so puzzling to me, she was very well behaved today, very pleasant.

BWB, your MIL is showing many symptoms of dementia. If she has not had an in-patient geriatric psych evaluation, she really should have one... THere may be meds which could help her some. With her smoking, I would be amazed if she did not have vascular dementia and COPD...

Please bring this up to the family so that they can request her doc to schedule an evaluation... And since those last between 14-21 days, it would also be a good time for her to be medically withdrawn from the smokes. Let the docs be the bad guys. I feel sure that with the length of time she has smoked, she has damage and the health care pros know how to handle this.

BG, I have not thought about the smoke getting to the CG, the CG is a smoker herself, and it could be bothering her.

We do have a smoke eater, they were messing around with it one day and broke the darn thing. I bought it and spent about 2oo.oo on it. right now, I am not in the moood to purchase another one. Besides, we couldn't turn it on for the longest because mil thought it was a fan, and cried to everyone that it made her cold!! No fan in it period. Fil would go along with her and before you knew it they wanted to throw it out. They said it needed to go because we were trying to run their lives by bringing it in. What to do?

I knew I was going to come home today sick, but I opened the window by the chair I was sitting in, I think it helped.

Thanks for your suggestions and understanding.

Mae, my mil is not opened to any suggestions about anything, never has been and never will be. If we try to talk to her about the cigarettes and the dangers... she gets so mad, and loudly states that she doesnt' tell us how to live our lives and we need to get off of her back and mind our own business. She does not remember that she has no money in her checking, she spent or gave away the savings. Today she asked me repeatedly what she had eaten for lunch,...did she even eat it. She has forgotten that she used to eat like a bird to keep her figure, for years she would starve herself to look good. Now, she has no clue that she was that way, so she eats like a pig, literally!!!!
And after every meal she drinks a protein shake.

The Dr. would work with us, if we talked to him about it. I don't think she would even realize she had a nicotien patch on her body, that would make it extremely easy to get those things away from her. Maybe if she did not have the craving she might forget about them??? I do know it is very dangerous to wear the patches and smoke. So, everyone would have to be on board about it. Just a thought.

Thanks for all the suggestions!!!!

You know Blue I have to say this as I remember a time I was care giving to a woman who had a bigtime smoking habit like your MIL I would feel like this myself heart racing shaky just feelin like crap all around and stinky UGH Im tellin you its a wonder how some people sit in it, like I said Im a smoker and a peculiar one at that I am very fussy about many things with smoking I dont even allow it in my house if anyone wants to smoke they do so outside I dont smoke in my truck either or use any of the ashtrays its just nasty to me but I digress the point is this CG is probably feeling the effects of the constant smoking (even if she is a smoker) not to mention whats trapped in that house...I feel real bad for you all in this cause I actually suffer the same effects around chain smokers...MIL has got to quit if this is the root cause of the CG's illness And yours too as well I mean at the very least cut down and smoke outside get those smoke eater contraptions for MIL you know the ones that plug in with the filter you might also want to invest in one of those air purifiers for her house As a matter of fact QVC and Oreck have a good one if you go to QVC's website punch in Oreck in the product search and take a look (Ive tried doing the link to qvc it doesnt work it goes to a regular search page)
Blue maybe MIL's deficits is making her forget about the smoking??? !-5 pm isnt much of a stretch for me I can go 8 or more hours at a time if Im busy but someone like MIL with a habit like hers is a long time to not even mention it

Mae, this is so right!

I was with her this afternoon, and from 1:30 until 5pm, she never once mentioned having a cigarette, not one time!!! I am having a hard time understanding this addiction, if she were needing them so badly, wouldnt she be hounding me for them during that time span?? I just don't know....I have never been a smoker, so I have not experienced it. I do think though that she may be one of those people who could walk away from them and never look back.

Her behavior is so puzzling to me, she was very well behaved today, very pleasant.

My h and I have never been ones to keep things from each other, but I am finding myself keeping certain actions and deeds done by her, away from his mind. It just seems easier that way.

Before BG mentioned it, I never thought of her having to go on oxygen....OMGOSH! We just went through all that with his Dad, I hate to see it start with his Mom,and the way the elders health changes from day to day, we never know what is around the corner. Criminy!!!

BWB, , Because I have been a smoker I know how one behaves when addicted to them and they are not available.
aving said that I would suggest you and hubby draw boundreis with her.She has continued this behavior over the years because no one sat down and told her what was and was not acceptable.
Is their any way she could be helped in stopping to smoke?Or would she fight the idea.
Maybe her doctor could suggest away to stop the habit.
You do know no matter what you do for someone does not make them change .Just not in their character.I do think having a family pow wow is a good idea.
Their is danger if her cigarettes are suddenly removed .She could go through with drsw like some does on drugs etc.Until she has a substitue for needing the cigarettes she will want and need them.You and hubby can make the choice about purchasing them for her.
I truly would consult with someone about this.You have to step back and re evaluate what you want to do for her.Your hubby is probably so vunerable after the loss of his dad he needs to fill the absence by helping mom.
I am so sorry both of her had to experience her tongue lashing..Like someone sticking a knife in our hearts and turning it.
Sadly, so many times we try to hard to help others.The worst is the most gratitude had to come from witin our selves.

I know BG!

The time is coming, next meeting I am spewing it!

I had to call 911 for the CG today, she called and said she was not feeling well. When I got there she was shaking all over, she said the shaky feeling on the inside was worse. They checked her out and she opted to drive to the ER, after of course, we watched her BP and I felt safe for her to leave, she kept in contact with me and her sis on her way home. She called to say she is having to see a cardio. She is only 31, I think there is too much drama going on in her personal life. She was crying because she has no insurance, I offered her a loan, her eyes became huge and she said no way! I know she is afraid to touch money after all the family has been through, but I know she is a good egg,and I wanted to help ease her worry!

She may have to get a sub, but I know she needs the money. Poor girl!!!

Thanks for the support, and reading my rambling!

The CG's are there sweetie? Well then they need to walk out of the room and let her have her hissy fit Take the phone off the hook as long as she is being monitored if she was in a NH she wouldnt be able to pull this and her happy butt would be outside the entire day if she was smoking its not allowed inside (well at least here its not) So she would have no choice in this matter crying out her little heart would not budge me on this matter either she can tell me all about the stroke she is gonna have if she doesnt get a smoke all she wants my comeback her smoking is going to require alot of oxygen tanks in the near future less ability to breath coughing and wheezing and the only person she has to blame is herself.
You are not being mean and if anyone thinks that let them care for her and shell out the what 60 bucks a carton or more every what 3 days?! My thought you think Im being mean then have at it shes aaaalllll yours and her bills too
You are not obligated to provide for a habit and tellin this family...well you have every right to it You can tell them nicely you dont approve of her habits and you dont appreciate having to pay for them either if they have a problem with this too bad

It's true BG, everything you say is so true. You are such a compassionate person, I appreciate your not being judgemental towards my tyrade!

The family has decided to let her have the smokes, because she has nothing else to do. She whines constantly, calls on the phone, begs and pleads like a small child, or worse. When that doesn't work, she gets mean and throws fits. Says things like, "maybe I'll have a stroke, then you will REALLY have to take care of me", or "I should just die, then we'd see how you feel". Her caretakers go crazy with her constant carrying on about her cigarettes, they have never seen her get ugly, go off the deep end, throw out string of barbs. They think she is the sweetest litte angel woman..... , when we don't give her the smokes when she first cries out like a baby, then they think we are being mean.

You are exactly right, and the next family meeting we have, I am going to state my opinion. If the others want to cough up the cash to buy those things, then they can have at it. I resent it, we have never been smokers, and our money has never been spent that way.

OK! Now I am off to clean out the attic, or make a dent in it while it is till cool this morning. It is going to take about a week of me by myself working on this. We are supossed to have a cool front come in, I sure hope it comes down here!

Have a great day everyone!!!