As most of you know from the past, I have had most of my mil's care on my shoulders. After asking repeatedly to my bil for help, when he asked me what he could do, I would tell him, and he would never make a commitment. Finally, about 3 months ago, H went to bil and sil, and opened a can of whoop @$$. They then said they would take care of grocery shopping, pharmacy, and making sure there were plenty of cigarettes.
Let me say this, H and I are now the outcasts according to bil and sil, they will only speak to us when is necessary, and act as if they are some type of victims from our wrath!!! AND, they are more angry with me than anyone! I really don't care, and have decided that is a form of guilt that they are trying to pass off on to us, for being so neglectful during fils illness and passing last spring.{{That's another long old story}}.

Well, over the past month the day and night cg's have been calling me. They say that sil told them she will only go to the grocery store on Saturdays, and will go to the pharmacy whenever she can. She has a part time job and works about 15 hours a week. That means, groceries and cigarettes are falling behind, and mil is late 5 days on her meds. Sil has a hateful attitude and is very gruff with these ladies, they hate to call her, and are asking me if I will just take care of these things. I had to have some help, originally, because I take care of all Dr. appts, and also help in the care of Dad and Mother. I was about to fall from exhaustion and stress to say the least, when sil first came on board.

Now, her H picks up the mail at the post office, you would think that he was delivering a package of gold everytime he drops it off, and had to fly to the moon to get it!!! Good grief, that's a huge job, its only about a 3 minute stop and he drives by the post office twice a day,not out of his way by any means.

What I am dealing with today, the cg called me last night, and told me the meds were late, last box of cigarettes, and out of important groceries. I told her I would pick up the necessities today, and if this happened in the future, they need to let me know so I can make sure she has meds and food to eat! IF sil thinks she is going to get off the hook by not doing these tasks, she is sadly mistaken, her H, my H brother, can be doing this stuff anyway, the pharmacy is open late, the grocery is open late, if his wife is not going to get up off of it and take care of things she has obligated herself to, then he can do it. I am not taking this job back, I have enough of my shoulders and more that I dont even write about here on the boards, because like everyone else here, my plate over flows!!!!

I have chosen not to take this to H because of the last falling out, and all of the static and hateful attitudes it has caused. I know when I tell him, he will go back over and bang on the door, and tell them exactly how to do this job and where they can stick it if they don't. It causes him much stress and I dont want to put him in that position right now, I worry about his health!!!

Soooo, for right now, I am hated, & H is hated, by two people who dont want to be bothered. And, I do not care!!!! What I care about is the possibility of loosing two dedicated CG's, who can and will find jobs that they are not abused by a family member. THAT is the important thing to me. I have spoken to my sil, and everyone has to walk on egg shells around her, about us all making sure that these ladies are treated with respect and appreciation, and how dedicated and such sweet people they are. Both of these women are extremely hesitant to call sil for help, because of her sharp tongue, when she delivers supplies, she opens the door, shoves the stuff in and walks off. She is so mad at us that she won't even walk into the house and speak to mil and cg's for a few minutes.

Her attitude is creating a pain in my neck. Literally, she is waiting for my H to come to her house to "talk" and she is going to throw her hands in the air and quit! I am going to be more stubborn than that, and not give her the chance. I have told the ladies not to pay attention to her, that she treats everyone this way, except, the people she works with!!!!! She would loose her job in a heartbeat if she acted this way at work!!!!!!! We have been family for many years, and I have always thought that she hated me. I think she is jealous because I can smile, have lots of friends, and can get along with people easily. She can't, or won't.

I am sorry that this is so long, but I had to get it off my chest. H and I are going to a funeral this evening, it is a long drive, I will probably be speaking to him about this in the car. Maybe not, depending on his mood and how tired he is!

Thanks for being here!!!!!!! I need you all so much and appreciate your every reply!!!!!

UPDATE!!!!

H and I took off this afternoon to go to a visitation. It was a 2.5 hour drive both ways. Needless to say, when we got in the car, I started talking and did not quit until we arrived at the funeral home! I unloaded, every speck of info I had about his family.

Of course he was not happy, but after talking it over, we decided that there will be a new protocal:

#1. No calls from cg's to bil house can be left on message machine, they have to call until a live person answers the phone, if by the 3rd time, no one is available, they are to call Bil at work and inform him that no one is answering the calls.

#2: IF after the 3rd call, bil is to be asked to bring products home that day.

#3: all contact with bil and sil is to be written in red ink in the log book. after 1 month, the log book will be taken to family meeting and every documentation will be laid on the table. There will be no excuses, no quitting. IF there is any type of uproar out of either of them, they will get the checkbook and all of the bills and any correspondence pertaining to the Evil CG saga, and will be in total charge of the whole shebang!

I think it is a good idea to give the cg's a chance to earn extra money, and one of them can be in charge of groceries. We are reluctant to give anyone charge over medications, because of chance of theft. Not that either of these ladies have exhibited that behavior in the past, but no need to dangle it in front of anyone. Also, it would cause less stress related worry over getting into another abusive situation.

He was not surprised that this is going on, and at first said, "dont worry about it, I will talk to my brother and tell him what his wife is doing, that I dont want her involved in offending and chasing away good CG's, I will tell my brother that he has to be in total charge of getting supplies for our MOM." WOW! He is such an awesome man, he pulls no punches, speaks straight on, if you like it fine, if not fine. He plays no games, and you always know where you stand with him. He is a hard worker and very dedicated to taking care of those he loves. He definitely will not let this situation drag out!

He then said, sadly, this is not a permanant situation, my Momma is not going to be here forever, we can deal with this the best way we know, to make things easier for her.

This situation is compounded by the fact that we all live within throwing distance of each other!!!! What a mistake that was!!!!!!

I thank all of you for your true to heart responses, and everyone was on the mark!!! You give me strength, and the power to forge ahead!
Blessings to you all!!!!!

blue, i am sorry you are once again, or as always in the position of being the bad guy. only you know how much strain this will put on your husband and whether it is best to be the middleman with his family. since they are already mad at you and your H it might be time to tell them if sil drives aways any of the caregivers with her snake tongue she will be in total charge of the whole thing, job or no job. that's the way it is. meds will be there on time, food will be there on time and to hell with the stupid mail. even if it is picked up every other day or so the world will not come to an end!! let her know that the help WILL be treated with respect or it will be her doing. also let her know what the consequenses will be if sil upsets the apple cart. no more baloney or the job is ALL hers! i think you are very considerate to not place all of it on your husbands shoulders but do share when he does need to intervene. this may sound impratical but bil and sil have to put on their big panties and grow up a bit. i am a big one for doing everything to keep families on an even keel but they almost destroyed you in the past so who cares if they are ticked at this point? hang on with your husband and put up a united front. you have enough other crap going on without having to worry about their ruffled feathers. take care and keep in touch.

quote:

I have chosen not to take this to H because of the last falling out, and all of the static and hateful attitudes it has caused. I know when I tell him, he will go back over and bang on the door, and tell them exactly how to do this job and where they can stick it if they don't. It causes him much stress and I dont want to put him in that position right now, I worry about his health!!!

Therein lies the problem. This is your HUSBAND'S mother and ALL matters related to her should be related to HIM in a timely fashion. If he chooses to raise cane and alienate his brother and SIL, that's his issue, not yours. You are doing him and the situation no favors by withholding this information PLUS it keeps YOU in the middle where you say you do not want to be. If the caregivers know that the meds, food and smokes come from the brother, why not give them HIS telephone number to contact with these issues? They should only be coming to your HUSBAND (not you) as a matter of last resort.

If the SIL cannot be civil to the caregivers, your husband should be informed and he should deal with this with his brother.

Remember: no one can drive you crazy if you don't give them the keys to start the engine! Despite your sympathy for your husband, this is HIS problem, not yours. You have plenty long enough of a list that has YOUR name on top! Don't add to it!

Blue if they can not find it in themselves to do these simple little tasks without all this drama then tell them they can pay for a person to do these errands, like it or the job needs to be done! Hell its your BIL's MOTHER!
I dont know what the heck is so all fired important that this woman cant find the time to pick up groceries with the extra...what? 153 hours a week she has left over...Oh Im sorry let me give her 7 hours a night to sleep...104 hours then
Whats a matter with them?!
I give, these 2 childish freaks can hate all they want facts are facts and no one knows better than you what you have given up to take care of their parents so I say hire someone to do the errands maybe one of the other CG's wants to make a few extra bucks.
Post office is that really necessary to pick up twice a day? hold off on it they can place it in a small tub for you my hunny does that all the time for people on his route its really not an inconvenience to them

quote:

Originally posted by Bobcat:
You don't need to be liked by such idiots, but they need to get used to doing the job.

AMEN!

Hang in there Blue. You don't need to be liked by such idiots, but they need to get used to doing the job. It makes no sense at all that they can't do this for her.

TORP, "freaking Mother Teresa" !!!

Ain't it so!!!!!1

Been there-done that. How decent men like our husbands can come out of families like this is just beyond my comprehension.

And, no doubt, they love to tell their friends how involved they are in mom's care, what a sacrifice they make, blah blah blah. In their eyes, they are freaking mother Teresa.

Here's hoping that they live long enough to reap exactly what they have sown.