After more than 50 years of friendship, my friendship with my best friend ended today over comments about my mom's care. Her mom and my mom were close friends until her mom's death last year. Our relationship became strained when she made some poor choices about the care of her mom and didn't want to take advantage of all the knowledge I've gained from the situation of caring for my parents.

Although she has an advanced degree and a background in research, like I have, she made no real attempt to research and analyze the best resources for care for her mom and relied on the doctors and relatives to tell her what to do. I know she has a busy life, so do I, but it only takes a minute to go on the Medicaid site and look at the ratings of nursing homes before you put your loved one in one. And, if you don't hav a minute, let your best friend tell you about them. I knew the ratings inside out and had been to most of the places. The one place social workers and ombudspeople told me to stay away from was where she put her mom, who then died within a month of being placed there (as did two other relatives of hers who were placed there).

Meanwhile, my mom will be 95 this year and is still going strong. She did well at the nursing home she was in for five years and is doing well now at the one she is now in (moved to be close to me). My 88 year old dad lives with me and has Lewy Bodies dementia. He still has more good days than bad, but as an only child, it is still a handful.

I have a chronic illness that requires a certain medication. There is no other medication or treatment that can control it. In fact, the FDA granted me an emergency IND for use of the drug before it even went on the market. Unfortunately, the drug was recalled without warning by the FDA (long story, but there is no real health problem with the drug, 13 people out of over 11,000 had cardiac incidents which is the same percentage as in the general population). The only way I can get the drug is to go to Mexico and obtain it over the counter or have my doctor write a prescription to obtain it by mail from Switzerland (which she refuses to do). I will likely get this all sorted out, but in the meantime, the argument with my friend started over this issue with the drug.

She said I should just hop on a plane and go get the drug. I started to explain that my life isn't that simple, I have responsibilities that don't allow that at this point in time. She said that was nonsense that my mom is well cared for in the nursing home and I could put my dad in there as well and just go. Well, you all know what happens in a nursing home, if you don't keep an eye on everything they are doing. Also my dad was in a nursing home for a short while and I had to take him out because he couldn't deal with it. They were threatening to send him to a locked psych ward because he nearly lost his mind in the nursing home. I'm not about to put him throught that again and his doctor agrees. He's fine at home with me, but becomes very fearful when I'm away for any length of time.

I'll admit I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown between my medicine being taken off the market, the demands of my business (Spring market and I'm a real estate agent), and meeting the needs of my two parents. All I wanted was a little support and instead I received condescension and judgment. She said I was exaggerating when I told her that my mom would't be alive today if I hadn't been on top of things at the nursing home she's in now. How could she come to the conclusion that my mom's nursing home is a good one, when she lives four states away and has never seen it? It's not the best nursing home, but it is the only one I could get her into when she made the move across state lines on Medicaid. I'm making it work because I stay on top of the situation and monitor her meds and her care plan like a hawk and I speak up and demand meetings, etc.

I realize my friend believes you put your loved one in a nursing home or hospital and then they are taken care of. No need for you to do anything. It is a form of denial.

What makes me so angry is that she can be so cavalier about my situation and pass judgment on me as being neurotically overconcerned about my parents' care. I've never passed judgment on her although I disagreed with the way she handled her mom's situation.

Sorry to be so long-winded, but the pain of losing a friend is one that is hard to bear. There are so few people who we can let our hair down with or at least that is so in my life. If my clients knew all the problems I deal with they would likely run the other way, so I try not to complain.

Oh, one good thing to share, my community has a series for writers and artists and I was able to get my mom and dad featured at one of the events in May. They are both excited about this and it gives them something to look forward to. My dad has been working on new paper sculptures for the exhibit and my mom is thrilled that someone will be reading her poetry and that her books will be on sale. It's so nice to be able to do something for their spirit, not just their bodies. I never even got a chance to tell my friend about that before we parted ways.

I talked this situation over with my husband and he said I want something from her that she can't give. He said she is lacking in compassion for others and cannot put herself in my shoes. I realize now that is so and that the friendship has always been one-sided with me giving and her receiving. I never asked for anything from her until now and it has just been a real disappointment that she was unable to come through for me and got me into a state where I was more upset rather than comforting me.

Thanks for listening.

Mae & MB, Thank you for the kind words. We did talk today (she called me) and we had a very frank discussion. We are on good terms again, but I am taking that step to name someone else as executor. The relationship has worked so well for so long because I have never asked anything from her. I asked her today if I have ever leaned on her before for anything and she said no. She said what do you need from me. I said to listen, just to listen. Then she said talk and she'd listen, but of course she couldn't, she went right into advice mode. It's okay, I just know that I can't turn to her when I'm down and out. We are still friends, but it's a different friendship.

MB, Yes, I am really excited about my accomplishment in getting the Writers & Artists series to take on my mom's poetry and my dad's paper sculptures on May 6. I sent out 178 invitations today. Even if only 40-50 accept, it will still be one heck of a party. My mom will have a stack of her poetry books there. That was my one big gift to her when I had money back when I was in the corporate world. I was able to get a friend of mine who owned a publishing company to publish her book and I arranged a book signed at the local Barnes & Noble for her. This will give both of my parents another moment in the sun. It's hard to find those moments as they become more frail and burdened with health problems, but we do find them -- playing dominoes, sitting at shore watching the boats, etc.

GailSusan, I am sorry things have turned out this way with her. Maybe she'll come around; maybe she won't. I DO think that naming her as your executor is something that should be changed tomorrow morning!!

What's sad about this is that you are such an insightful person, digging deep, working hard and not accepting BS for an answer. She's gonna miss you, darlin'! Gettin' drugs from Mexico is no hill for you - merely an irritation and inconvenience. I'm sure you'll find a way around this issue.

It's discouragin' to see our list of close friends shrink as we age - from attrition, from changes, whatever. I don't think that losing good friends is something you take lightly and I can echo your sentiments. All I can say is trust in the path... perhaps this disagreement was important so that you could see something you never have before about the relationship and make changes. I think I'd be listening real hard.

I cannot believe you've put together things as well as you have for your folks! The position you have been placed into has been MORE than untenable, yet you have tread where angels fear to go and come out the other side to share your experiences. I am in awe of your accomplishments with your parents - perhaps, so is she, but who cares? If she doesn't respect who you are and what you stand for, too dang bad. She's gonna miss you.

And for the part of you that's feeling terribly disappointed, lonely and best-friendless...{{{HUG}}}
Bless your entire heart.

GailSusan, nice to see you back.I can understand where you are coming from as well as your friend.
She cares so much for you she needs you to do whatever it takes to stay well.
Because I had the horrible experience with a nursing home for my mother , I understand you.
May I ask if you have been the strong one in this friendship.Sounds she looks up to you for support emotionally.Sometimes those who have intelligence in one larea are lacking in every day life.
It sounds like you saw her way of dealing with her loved ones as less then positive and your faith in her has lessened.
Also you are dealing with so much with your jobs, your parents and health issues she may have caught you at the worst of times.
What you are seeing with her now has possibly always been there but you shrugged it off.
Maybe the both of you can find a quiet time , sit down and listen to one another and then comment in away that is honest but non threatening to one another.
I have a girl friend .We have been friends for 60 years.SHE HAS STRENGTHS IN SOME AREAS WHERE I AM VERY LACKING AND I OTHERS WHERE SHE IS LACKING IN SELF CONFIDEMCE.Not long ago she called me to disguss something and made the statement I was so much better at things then her.I told her our friendship was always based on the fact that we complimented one another with our ability to help each other in areas we were more informed.She thanked me for this.See this friend came from a large family and was the one they always put down.She always had such lack of confidence in her self because of this.Once she got into the outside job market she realized she could do more then she was given credit.I tell her she has come along way and has done things I could have never done.She will acknowledge me in the same way.
She does lean on me more then I do her.Soooometimes it does become heavy on my shoulders.But she needs that boost of self confidence to help her through the day.
We grew to understand that we have strengths and we have weaknesses and are open to suggestions to one another.We do not always deal with lifes issues in the same way but that comes from different coping skills.
This is a hard pill to swallow when you have been friends for so long.Possibly you need to be able to be truly honest with one another without loosing friendship.Maybe a cooling off time for both.
I do hope you are able to gain access to the meds that have worked for you

Hi Bobcat & Bunnys, I could agree with you if only she had listened to me. She was talking right over me and wouldn't let me speak. I will get my meds without traveling to Mexico -- had she taken the time to listen, she would have learned that. I realize that she is missing her mom, dad and aunt who died -- and may feel what do I have to complain about? My main concern now is that I still have her as the executor of my estate to oversee the care of my parents if something were to happend to my husband and I. She certainly isn't the person I want to have in charge given what I now know about her. The relationship has been one-way for years. Frankly I think I deserve better than this out of a friendship and don't have plans to patch it up. We may still be in contact because of the years of history we share, but it will be a more formal and distant relationship, not someone I rely on for emotional support. Thanks for your thoughts on this. I deeply appreciate it. Happy Easter to you both.

Gail Im so glad to see you back here but how sad to lose a friend I know you have got to be all kinds of hurt but do you mind a little bit of...Well you know....Devils Advocate?

BC is absolutely right in her being concerned and wanting you to get your meds any way you can, as a friend I know dang well Ill yell at my BF to get herself healthy at any cost and she KNOWS this. Hell Ive changed a catheter on her for cryin out loud she knows Ill do anything for her after that lol
Shes tellin you to hop on that plane because its your life, in her mind there is no single excuse for delaying your recovery and honestly I have to agree with that.
There are many ways you can go about getting these meds change docs for one. Hop on a plane..yes thats another.
But find a way to get them
Sweetie number one she is operating on the loss of her own mom a year later..
Maybe just maybe she sees all that you are doing and wishes she had your strength and fortitude so that she could have been on top of her own moms care...Hindsight, you know...Regret maybe?
Mixed with a little resentment that you still have a mom and she doesnt???
I know to some that may be a little selfish but I myself have had similar thoughts...we're human.
We miss that which we have lost, sometimes we dont appreciate them until their gone and here you come along with the appreciation gene in spades.
Sweetheart call this a bad day or a bad week even...50 years of friendship you know each other inside out your both on edge for your own particular reasons...Yes you needed a shoulder but sometimes we dont always get what we need at the moment we need it
What I am getting here and I dont know why is that I think she was needing something from you also...her friend maybe? You know that ole shoulder thing
Call her back and...I know its that dam pride thing! lol A.P.O.L.O.G.....Im not gonna finish that but you get the drift right Gail?
Sign me
Your Friend that can take the heat cause y'all know how much I like that Devils thingamajiggy

At this time in your life, with all the two of you have been through, I can only imagine the torment you feel. GailSusan, this is a blow to the heart.
I can only hope it is a miscommunication on her part that will be resolved.
It sounds as if she has blocked out support in her files.
Still as far as getting your meds, she may have meant well. and be frustrated with you for not going to the limit to get what is right for you.
I know, yiu can't drop what you do to run across the ocean for pills. There is time, there is money, there are passports, the stress alone of organizing such a trip is huge.