I hate myself for treating my boyfriend the way I have being!! I'm such a jerk! I'm just so stressed and I don't know why!! Life sucks! The person that invented money I would like to personaly kill, if he weren't already dead I would!! Life is soo stinking hopeless! People are soo selfesh! All they think about is themselves! They expect me to jump and say yes sir whenever they need something or want to do somethi For crying out loud I'm only 16!!!! Why me?? HUh why do I have to feel like this why can't I feel normal! I thought that if I got a b/f all my problems would go away, but they didn't!! Life just sucks, other than the way things are right now with him, he is great, better than I had thought, Just wish I knew how to open up to him and tell him how I was feeling instead of keeping it all inside like he says I do! He opens up to me so why can't I do it to him!! Huh! I wish I could answer that!!I thought God was looking over me, but I guess not! Why did D have to be like that why did he have to threaten my b/f and hurt me really bad!! I don't understand Please God help me to understand!! I just need some guidence here, a little bit of love!! Why don't my parents ever tell me they love me??? Why does it feel that no one loves me at times?? Why do they never hug me or anything? is there something wrong with me?? I may be 16 but I still need to be loved and cared for!! Now that I think about it I don't think, my parents have ever told me that they loved me, or that they were proud of me!!! Why does life have to be so unfair!! Why did my parents have to buy a brand new house and make me move! Why did they buy a house that cost soo much money! Cause now we are living on such a tight budget! I hate this, I wish I could be like my friends, spend money here and there! And it be no big deal!! I'm 16 and I only have 1.50 to live on for a long while and that sucks!! We can't afford anything, and I hate it! I don't wanna get an older van why did or lease have to be up! Why can't we lease the same van again! I don't wanna go back down to anything lower than a '98!! I like or van! Why do I always have to get attached to things that leave me!! I got attached to one teacher my english teacher cause she was easy to talk to and so understanding and stuff and out of all the teachers she's the one that had to leave just cause my old teacher was off her maturnaty leave!! Why can't I spell huh!! Gosh why does so much have to make me mad!! Why does life have to SUCK????? I guess I'll never know!!!

I am not angry as I am som Sad, Sad that I dont have the room in my home or the patients it takes to care for my mom who I fel had AD for a long time and I thought she was just getting older I am sad that I didn't react to gut felings quiker. I feel sad that I had to have my mom go to a nursing home. I am scared that am I doing this to soon, I hope I am making the right choices. I am fearful I may get this disease too. I wish I knew more. I feel angry at the doctors for not noticing this was happening,or that they cant tell me more. I have so many emotions I just donnt know what I feel

I really hate a system that abuses victims of crime that seek justice in our courts.

I cant help but notice that sometimes people with ALZ. have hardley any rights I get so mad when I see them being treated poorly... always remmember its not there fault and you may be their somday to

I am sick of finding myself in failed relationships. I am tired of having unmet expectations. I hate being lied to, cheated on and manipulated. I hate it when someone fails to do what they say the will, and then fails to let me know that they won't be able to. I am sick of ignorant people who have no empathy or regard for other living things in the universe besides their own ego-ridden selves. I hate the establishment, especially corporate america. I hate social mores and social stratifications. I hate that people don't realize that we really aren't that different and that we all come from the same stream of consciousness. I hate organized religion, politics and insurance companies. I hate the IRS.

Oh! I hate being in our school play! I used to love acting, but now it is a terrible experience. I had pharyngitis recently, and I can't sing much. Everyone yells at me and is TOTALLY insenstitive. I am already a bad enough singer, and now everyone talks about what a bad singer I am. The teacher is a nut and won't (or just doesn't want to) do anything about it. At least it will be over soon.

reasearching anger management is really starting to piss me off!!!!!!

Where is the family? My dad used to take us hunting for uranium in the mountains, and cook stew in my great grandmother's dutch oven over a campfire.
Mom made pies from the mulberries us kids would pick. she taught me about loving all the little creatures, taking care of the plants in the garden. She always had a garden every year which blossomed under her expert care and love.
She was a home-mom, she was there when we needed her to explain things, or to protect us from my dad when he got violent. She was always, always there for me. The time I had the abortion. The times my relationships didn't work out and I came home to live with her. She is a gentle person. Her mother died of a heart attack when my mom was 8. She had taken my mom to live in a boarding house in San Francisco because her husband would not heed the doctor's warning that having another baby would kill her. My mother found her mother dead when she came home from school.
Now I feel like i am her mother. I have been called upon to nurture her and give her the mothering she always missed. She is so fragile, frail, a little lost child.
I can't stand that heartbreaking lost look in her eyes, it just crushes me. So SAD Heartrending.
She clings to me - I am the only thing that stands between her and total abandonment. My brother and sister just flat out refuse to take her. How can the come up with that ruthless strength? Why am I so bonded to her and they are not?
The stark fear I feel in her. Her husband of 35 years died 6 months ago. Every morning she wakes up calling his name. And then she calls my name. Seven days a week.
She sleeps with me. She won't stay in her own bed. She gets up in the wee hours of the morning and walks around looking for me. She fell and split her head open. I have to watch her every minute, she has these fainting spells. But she won't stay sitting down. She has to follow me if I walk out of the room. I aM CONSTANTLY having to go around her as she blocks the doorways. She moves so SLOW. She hates everything I cook for her. I have to beg her to eat - she gets dehydrated and passes out. Countless visits to the ER. I am so lucky she has not broken a bone yet. Is it time to put her in the home? She begs me not to leave her. She has been there before - she would stand looking at me with that despair in her eyes when I had to leave. Hanging on to the doornob of the locked unit. Locked in. Locked out of my life.
The awesome power she has over me. I am still a little girl, her look or voice cuts to the quick. Life has become hellish.
I have pain. Osteoarthritis. Every movement is grating, hurting, wearing, cutting away at me and my will to be here. What keeps me here? Love of the people I love. I love my mother, but she makes me miserable. It is not a positive love. I do not light up when she comes into the room. It is more a guilt-love. I don't have to feel the guilt-torture of having fallen down on my duties to her. Dropping the ball, when she did so many things for me all my life.
What I am being asked to do is just too much. She hates all the clothes I buy her. I can't do anything right enough for her. And this morning I cried, and told her I couldn't stand her critisism any more. Now she has a bad feeling to spend the day with, but will have forgotten the content. What good did that do????? More guilt.Thanks for letting me spit. This wall is so healing to read. That I am not alone in these hideousthoughts and feelings... an Alzheimers daughter.
But I HATE it when she wakes me up to take her to the bathroom. I hate the sleep deprivation. She doesn't sleep ! ! ! She never shuts up ! ! I cannot have 3 minutes of personal space in my own head. She calls my name over and over to make sure I am still there, even though she can see me there. Her voice has that quality of a mother calling her offspring away from something dangerous. It cannot be ignored. It startles me 400 times a day. I think I am existing in some kind of post traumatic stress state. It is getting worse.
It is getting worse. She is not my mother. But then she is.

I carry around so much anger, that it is destroying me. I am a 26 year old recovering alcoholic, who lets anger get the best of her. My family discarded me, told me they hated me as a child. I carried the burdens of my parents for most of my life. The abuse done to me, the abuse I placed upon myself, and the abuse I've done unto others, has almost ruined me. Just when I feel I've got a grip on things, it comes back and the cycle starts all over again. I can't stop it. I don't know what to do, and that makes me mad. The sun's not shining, I get mad. Someone shows up 5 minutes late to pick me up, I get mad. Someone doesn't listen to me, I get mad. Being mad is such a waste of energy, that after an episode, I want to curl up and go to bed. Will the pain ever stop???? Sometimes I want to die!!!!

I resent having to deal with this. I resent having to deal with my Mom. She is so selfish and self centered and is so hard to tell how much is the disease and how much is her personality. She has always been hateful and if I just knew that this was all the disease I could deal with it better. But I'm so tired of giving and not even being appreciated for it or having any cooperation. If she only realized that I do not want to take care of her finances, her medications, her dr appointments. I don't want to be involved in any of it. I just want to live the rest of my life trying to do the best I can with what I have. I don't want to call her every day to see if she took her medicine. I don't want to go over her house and make sure she took a bath. I don't want to fill her medication boxes and order her meds and make sure she gets to the doctor on time. She has no concept of time. Doesn't even know what year it is, yet thinks she is capable of doing all these other thin! gs. I've already straightened out her mess once, and am not going to do it again. I'm not going through the ordeal of calling and writing creditors and paying her bills off. I don't want to go through the ordeal of making sure she has insurance on her house and car after she has let it lapse. I'm tired. I don't mind working for a living, but do I have to come home and try to make sure everything is ok in her life and then have her not even appreciate it and actualy resent my doing it. I don't mind her not saying thank you if she would just cooperate. Most of all I resent resenting her. I've always just wanted to love her, but she makes it very difficult to love. God if you are listening to this, why don't you do something about it. Why can't we just leave this world without having to go through all this crap. Haven't I given up enough of my life to grief. I just want to be happy, I want to sing, I want to dance. I can hardly get out of the chair myself sometimes and yet I have! to get on my knees and scrub her bathtub. I just want to quit. Where do you go to resign being a daughter.

Biology class sucks...

We are all suffering from broken hearts....
We feel every emotion under the sun and moon....
That is fine...we are human after all....
But there comes a time to let go....
To ensure our own health and sanity....
If you can find just one moment of patience...
In a minute of anger....
You will save yourself 100 days of sorrow....

I AM 25 AND HAVE DONE NOTHING WITH MY LIFE EXCEPT GIVE BIRTH TO A BOY AND PREGNANT WITH ANOTHER ONE.I NEVER WANTED KIDS BUT IT HAS HAPPENED.THEY WERE NOT IN MY PLAN FOR MY LIFE.I HAVE SUCH A SHORT FUSE WITH CHILDREN.I DONT REALLY WANT TO BE AROUND THEM.YEAH SOMETIMES IT IS FUN,BUT I WONDER WHERE MY LIFE WOULD BE IF I COULD JUST GO AND DO AS I PLEASE. GRANTED I DONT WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO THEM...I DO LOVE THEM,BUT WHY COULDNT THEY HAVE COME ALONG WHEN I WANTED THEM TO INSTEAD OF RUINING MY LIFE AS I KNEW IT. I HAVE NEVER BEEN AROUND KIDS BEFORE FOR A REASON...I DONT LIKE THEM.I HATE BEING PREGNANT EVEN MORE,BUT I DECIDED NOT TO HAVE AN ABORTION THIS TIME AROUND BECAUSE OF THE MAN I AM WITH. I LOVE HIM AND HE LOVES MY KID.BUT IF HE LEAVES ME LIKE THE FIRST PIECE OF S888 DID I DONT KNOW WHAT I WILL DO.I HATE STAYING HOME AND BEING THE SOLE ATTENTION OF A THREE YEAR OLD.I AM NOT A TEACHER BY FAR...DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. DONT WANT TO START.I NEVER BEAT MY KID,BUT SOMETIMES IT IS HARD NOT TO.I HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE WONT LISTEN TO WHAT I TELL THEM TO DO.THE SIMPELEST THING SUCH AS TO GO TO BED,OR EAT,OR NOT TO DO SOMETHING.I HATE HAVING SOMEONE JUST LOOK AT ME WHILE I AM TELLING THEM TO DO SOMETHING...STAND THERE AND REBEL AGAINST WHAT I HAVE JUST SAID.ESPECIALLY SOMEONE THAT I BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD. YOU CAN THINK OF ME WHAT YOU WILL...I DONT CARE.THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT CANT HAVE KIDS AND GOD CHOOSES ONE THAT DONT WANT THEM TO GIVE THEM TO. I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT CONCEPT.I WANT A LIFE.I HAVE NO KLIFE AS IT STANDS RIGHT NOW.AND THEN I AM HAVING ANOTHER ONE? WHERE THE HELL DOES IT END?I WAS ALMOST GETTING READY TO GET MY LIFE BACK AND HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE.SO WHAT?ANOTHER 5 YEARS TO WAIT UNTIL IT HITS SCHOOL.I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY. I DONT WANT TO,I JUST WANT A LIFE.I CANT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT THE WAY I FELL. IM JUST SO DIFFERANT THAN MOST PEOPLE...I HAVE ABSOLUTLY NO MATERNAL INSTINCT AT ALL.I AM NOT A GOOD MOTHER.I KNOW THIS...BUT WHAT AM I TO DO? I HATE THIS.I HATE MY KIDS SPERM DONOR FOR LEAVING ME WITH A NEWBORN TO DEAL WITH.SOMETIMES I WOULD SIT AND WONDER IF THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERANT IF I WOULD HAVE DIED ON THE DELIVERY TABLE. MY PARENTS WERE GOOD PARENTS AND STILL ARE.I DONT KNOW HOW THEY COULD HAVE HAD SOMEONE LIKE ME.THEY ARE RIGHT...I THINK OF MYSELF.BUT NOT ALL OF THE TIME.I WANT THINGS AND I CANT HAVE THEM BECAUSE I HAVE KIDS. THAT IS THE WAY THAT I FEEL.IM STUCK AND I HATE IT.I HATE HAVING TO TAKE CARE OF RESPONSIBILITY.IF I HAD IT TO DO ALL OVER AGAIN...I WOULD MAKE CHANGES.NO MEN FOR ONE.

I am mad, and very sad, that my mother will be dying in about 2 weeks, and because of Alzheimer's I have never had a chance to say good bye to her. She lost her ability to communicate YEARS ago and now can no longer swallow. We've now made the decision to withdraw food and water. I am really going to miss her!! (

I'm so angry that I'm not able to see my grandmother who has alzhimers. I live two hours away. I'm glad I got to spend time with her before she got "bad", But now my Aunts (who take care of her), want me to come and stay with them when I get out of school for Spring Break and I'm not sure I can handel that

I am so angry at my mother for causing all of these mental scars that I have spent my life trying to get rid of. Why did she do this to me. Why was she so belligerent that she rubbed this off on me. My heart is so good and sweet and I don't want to lose my temper but find myself constantly in a snit about stupid thing sand the only person I am hurting is me. I hate myself when I get hostile but have so much rage inside me right now I want to scream and all I can do is cry and feel embarrased and caught up in a trap.

I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TONIGHT! BUT, YOU SEE, I AM A NURSE ON AN ALZHEIMERS UNIT, I LOVE IT, BUT IT SOOOOOO STRESSFUL, I WOULDNT GIVE UP MY JOB FOR THE WORLD, THEY ARE SO HAPPY TO SEE ME EACH DAY, LIKE THEY ALL KNOW ME, MAYBE THEY DO; MAYBE THEY DONT. BUT, I HAVE HAD A ROUGH WEEK AT HOME, AND I TRY NOT TO TAKE IT TO WORK WITH ME, BUT THATS EASIER SAID THAN DONE. SOOOOOOO, JUST REMEMBER, THERE ARE ALOT OF CARING COMPASSIONATE HEALTHCARE PRO'S LIKE MYSELF OUT THERE, BUT DAGGONE IT!! WE GET STRESSED OUT TOO!! WOW, I FEEL BETTER, NOW THAT I HAVE VENTED!! GOTTA GET READY TO GO BE WITH MY SECOND FAMILY. *POOF* IM GONE!!!!!!

*SIGH* I have a 3 month old and I'm so tired. All I do is hold her. Today I wanted to eat and she got so mad when I went to set her down. I know this is what being a parent is all about and I love her dearly but I'm so afraid I'm gonna lose my temper... I guess I should just be thankful for this half hour to surf the internet.

Well, right now, I am not angry but very sad...my mother the cement of our family, the one who has always sacrificed for everyone else,etc. etc. is now the one that is ill. After a month of doctors, hospitals, etc., "they" still can't say if she has cancer or not. We are feeling so helpless and whoops ..here is the anger...angry that the medical people (to sum everyone into one lump) do not act like this is anything important or urgent. It is my understanding that cancer, unchecked, can spread *very* quickly. So, while "they" decide what to do (and there is a different opinion from each) we are left hanging. NOW, the catch of it all, is that my father, who has not been "diagnosed" with Alzheimers...but we all know.. is the one who is having the hardest time... It is so sad to look in his eyes and see the grief, frustration, helplessness, etc. that he is feeling in not being able to take care of his wife of almost 57 years...and make everything better. Well, I know that this is just the beginning...I'm not giving up on my mother and she isn't either, but this *is* the big wake up call. Guess I will have to be back to this board... I hope I can find some strength here...thanks for listening.

I don't know why I feel so angry -- but I do. Most of the time I am able to contain my feelings and then several times a year I go off in a rage. I talk on and on and on -- no one hears me and that doesn't seem to matter. When I am raging I say very mean things to my boyfriend. I did this to my ex-husband too -- until he found someone else who was "less complicated." Perhaps my anger is based in fear -- the fear of loss and abandonment -- but that seems like such psycho-babble. It has to have a source. But what is it? How many people will I push away? How many loves will I lose? Or is that what I really want? I don't know...

I'm tired of being angry. Every day it seems to be something else. My sister and I bend over backwards to help Mom. We made a schedul so it isn't all on one of us. I don't mind helping her, I don't mind paying her bills, getting her out of debt, taking her to the doctor, ordering her meds, helping her take a bath, taking her places, losing money because I have to take off work, working long hours so I can take off work, but dammit I wish she could/would cooperate. Because she has always been a difficult person to deal with, it is really hard to distinquish what is the disease and what is her personality. Sometimes I feel like she is just using us and laughing inside, because she is getting us to do for her. We have asked her not to drive and take her wherever she needs to go. One of us is available every day to take her or pickup what she needs. She thinks she is a good driver, but we fear for her and everyone else. Sometimes she does appear to be ok, but I'm afraid! she will get behind the wheel without her glasses, because many times she has gotten in my car with me and forgot her glasses and many times she walks over to my house (next door) without her glasses. She is not as far along with the disease as some, but I believe she needs to quit driving now. I think sometimes if I quit doing for her and tell her she can do it all by herself, maybe she will realize how much she needs help. But I do not want to go through straightening out her finances like I had to do when Dad died. I don't think I could do it again. They were so deep in debt and she was not paying things like car and house insurance and sending money to charities and sweepstakes. When I think of the money she has thrown away it makes me sick. It makes me angry when I think I lived next door and could do nothing about it when Dad was alive, because one, I didn't realize the extent and 2 they would get angry and fight if you qu;estioned them about anything. Dad had a good in! come and they threw it away. I can't let her do that again, because there isn't much to throw away and I am not paying off credit cards that aren't mine. Sometimes I wish I was one of those kids who lived way away from their parents and didn't know and could justify not being there, but I'm not. Thank God I have my sister that I can share the responsibility with.Last Sunday when we picked her up for church she had her blouse on backwards and refused to change it saying she always wore it that way. When I asked her if whe wanted togo to church with her blouse on backwards she said "yes" So I said fine, get in. No one said anything, but I know if anyone noticed they probably think I'm a bad daughter for not making sure she is dressed properly. For months she didn't take a bath and lied that she was. It wasn't till I took her on a trip that I realized whe was just wahing up. Iwondered why she always smelled and then I realized it was dead skin, because she was not washing her ent! ire body. That's when my sister and I started making sure she takes a bath 3 x a week. She didn't like it, but when we took away her excuse that she was afraid of falling by being there for her to take a bath, she tried other excuses. I've had to tell her that she isn't going with me unless she is clean. She was trying to put on the same underwear after taking a bath, but I stood my ground onthat one to. I told her she could put the same underwear on if she wanted too, but if she were going with me she would put on fresh underwear. She gets mad at me in the stores, because I try to help her with her shopping.At christmas she was buying some people 2-3 gifts and not buying anything for other people in the family. She acted like she was going to ram the shopping cart in me. I will never forget the look in her eyes. I told her go ahead, the first time you hit me I will slam your ass in the can so fast your head will swim. Then I get angry at myself for allowing her to get to me. ! I don't understand you struggle raising kids, then you have to raise your parents and I bet no one will be there for me. I'm just tired. The worse part is knowing that it is only going to get worse. If it were a disease that had a duration and you knew when it would get better you could cope better, but knowing that it is only going to get worse is depressing and then you start thinking about yourself. Will you know if you get that way, will you be able to recognize when you need to let go and let someone else take charge, will you be gracious. Or will you be selfish, self centered and hateful like your mother? That is the scary part.

I have learned one thing from reading the wall - - ANGER is a controlling factor. To have anger is to be in control. Maybe this was they answer I have been searching for. I am 28 years old, attrative, love to ski, bike, play on a hot summer day, good personality, faith in god... and almost one year to the day I am in the same, very same situation, I was in last year with an intimate relationship. They no longer can handle the arguements, the anger. do i blame them? I cannot figure out where it comes from. However, I do know exactly what it creates - PAIN and LOSS. I am looking for an answer, a fix it. I can overcome anything - - why not this????? Do I need to be in control in my intimate relationships? My father did leave me as a small child..to come and go many many times over. Would he ever stay? Will the next man in my life ever stay? Do men stay - or will they forever come and go....

I am so mad at my grandpa for getting it!!!

i just don`t understand why my mother (the wonderful person that she was) had to get this terrible illness it makes me so mad i could scream!

Right now I just want to curl up and die. @---<---

I hate the control mother has over me. Everything at her command with no regard to my feelings or plans. At 36 I am still being treated like a child. This is ridiculous. She is a very dominating and controlling woman. She is my mother and I love her. She is losing control of her life and making me pay for it.:'( She is my mother and I love her. I am terrified of my mother. She is my mother and I still love her. @--->---

I don't know if this belongs on the anger wall, but I can't find a "sadness and grief" wall. I live 1500 miles from my parents so can only go there for weekends every week months, as I work several jobs and have two growing children and a busy life here. Sometimes I'm mad that my parents chose to retire so far away from where we live, then became ill, so that the entire burden of travel falls on me, and I feel so helpless. Every time my father calls on the phone, I cry and can't work afterwards. My mother is becoming rapidly worse and was placed in an Alzheimer's unit last month. I visited last weekend for the first time since she was placed. It is heart-breaking. Although the facility is probably among the nicest you can find, it breaks my heart to see my mother there. She is like a little lost child, unable to communicate her thoughts or her needs, unable to make a friend due to her communication problems. The simple pleasures she used to have are now go! ne: cuddling with my father in bed, being in her own home. She has a lost expxression on her face, and when we left to say good-bye, she said please don't go, I don't want to be all alone here. I felt like I was leaving my dog at the pound. I miss her so much, and yet there's so little left of her. My father keeps talking about assisted suicide, and it just upsets me more because I KNOW that is what I would want for myself, but I don't want him to do it. I feel that it would be so hard to deal with, to tell my children about, etc. I'm afraid that my children will come to think that when life becomes painful, that's the answer, and we know that pain can take many forms. My mother never wanted to live this way, and it is so unfair that we can't help her in any way. She is unable to sleep at night, despite many doctors and psychiatrists trying every possible sedative and hypnotic. I think it has something to do with the part of her brain which regulates sleep being too ! damaged. I find all of this so hard, and it affects me so much, even at a long distance. Thank you for listening. I'm afraid to keep burdening my husband and friends with my feelings.

i REALLY hate this.

i hate this. i really do. a man with perfect phsyical health has a disease that takes away his brain, his personality, his love, his life, his mind, his reasons for living. i hate this. i really do.

I live in the dorm where I go to college I have a room to myself and am very gratefull of that. When we first arived at the dorm the first night we had a meeting so that we could all meet everyone who was going to be liveing there. We have two R.A.'s on our floor and they both was there. That night they said that guy's had to be out of the dorm by 12:00 when the door's was locked, but they didn't care if they staied as long as they wasn't seen to be turned in. Last week my boyfriend decided to stay a couple of night's with me because he needed to get away from his family for a while. He never went out of my room after 12:00 and was seen by no one . Then one nightt one of the R.A.'s think's she will caught his in my room after hours. She come's to my room and knock's I answer the door while he stood in the corner where she couldn't be seen. She ask's what am i doing and I told he that I was cleaning and had alot of homework to do so she said O.k. and left. The next ! day The other R.A. said to watch out that the other one was a rank puller and would do anything to pull a rank. I just don't undrestand how someone can say one thing then when it comes time to do what they said they would they do the oppisit. The worst thing about it is that I thought that the R.A. that wanted to pull rank was my find someone I could trust to not turn me in. Why would she do this to me when I don't have many friend's here anyway and she know's that?!

I'm angry at my father ,when I was a kid I never could do things right.His way was the right way , my way was the wrong way. I always wanted to please my dad but he was never around. Trucking and womem were far more important then his family . Sometimes we would wait for days and days for him to come home finally he would pull up with his truck and all the kids would gather around and I would feel proud that that was my dad and all he had was a pack of gum. No love or time, he would go in the house and sleep[ yeh we'll get together then dad you know we'll have a good time then ] and now 25 years later I'm discovering that all this anger that I've buried inside is ruining my marriage and life , thanks Dad for nothing. PS Dad I forgive you and love you . Andy

I'm in the process of finding my mom a nursing home to take care of her. I have taken care of her for the last 5 years without help from my family. My Dad is still alive and married to my mom, but has put all the resposiablity on me. Mom has been in the hospital going on 3 weeks this Thursday, and the only thing Dad did was come down for 30 min in case his signature was needed. He has left it up to me to check on mom everyday to make sure she is treated right, and that she doesnt feel deserted. I think its the meanest thing he has every done to me makeing me responseable for putting mom in a home. I hope you all more supported familys then I have.

I am so angry with my boss and some of my co-workers. I have a young person working with me who just doesn't seem to want to grow up. Today he threatened me by saying he has more power around the office than I do. I feel really angry that his ego is so huge that he feels he has to have this type of power. Mad, mad, mad. Most of all I am angry that he has made me feel this strong emotion.

I am so tired! I'm worn out from answering the same questions a hundred times a day. I'm tired.

Rage...then rage some more!

I hate my famnily i was more than willing to find a good home for my grandmother and just maintain her there. i kneww she could not stay in the house alone. well i said that i would help move her. my mother can not be left alone with her that makes me mad and also makes me see why she and i don't get along when i was growing up and i am the one who must take care of her and my dad. well my helpful husband and daughter said 'don't put her in a home just keep her at your house and i will help you.' ha ha then my loving husband says we can handle it honey i will help out. ha ha they all abandoned me and now fault me for everything i do. Complain that they don't have my attention or that she is intruding on their lives. my parents are whining cause i can't jump when they want something. mom is more hostile with her own mother and my grandmother has become dependent on me, i can't even leave the room without telling her how long i am going to be gone or where i am at. i have to run to the the store at 6 am in order to buy groceries. i am not well myself i have major depression and severe chronic asthma. i feel like a walking zombie thank good for the milestone day care center which i send her to on wed and fridays for 4 hours but i can't even call that my own anymore as i have take care of my parents needs. i really wish i was out of this mess.

The difference between my Dogs and my Ma is that my Dogs love me :-(

I am just so angry!! Sometimes at my husband who has Alzheimers and sometimes God and sometimes myself. Rage. Rage against the dying of the Light. That defines it per- fectly. This morning he was o.k. And we went somewhere for a ride so he was o.k. this afternoon, but tonight he wants to leave me again. This is the sixth time in less than a year and each time it gets easier to manage him. But the pain and uncertainty is horrible. I just want my sweetie back again. Yes, Rage against the dying of the light. Sometimes I get so mad at him and it's only because I don't know how to keep him safe. But God will take care of us. And I will learn how important patience is -- again, and yet again. Jan

I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND HOW DAUGHTERS CAN TURN AWAY FROM THEIR OWN MOTHER...I AM THE YOUNGEST OF 4 DAUGHTERS...MY OLDEST SISTER WHO IS A SAINT AND I HAVE THE WHOLE RESPONSABILITY OF TAKING CARE OF OUR MOTHER...THERE IS 1 SISTER WHO JUST WANTS HER ON THE HOLIDAYS...BUT DOESN'T CALL UNTIL THE DAY BEFORE TO ASK FOR HER...BY THEN ALL MY MOTHERS PLANS HAVE BEEN MADE...MY OTHER SISTER HAS TO ARRANGE TIME AROUND HER HUSBAND...BUT NEITHER ONE OF THEM HAVE ANY CONSIDERATION FOR ME OR MY OLDER SISTER...MY MOM HAS ALZHEIMERS...THANK GOD SHE STILL IS ABLE TO LIVE IN A SENIOR BUILDING...BUT I HAVE TO BATHE HER AND CLEAN FOR HER MY OLDER SISTER CLEANS AND IS ALWAYS RUNNING FOR HER...WE DON'T EVEN LIVE AS CLOSE TO HER AS THE OTHER 2...I LOVE MY MOM AND WILL DO ANYTHING FOR HER...I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE OTHER 2 HAVE NO DESIRE TO HELP OUT ( ONE SISTER WILL DO THINGS WHEN SHE IS ASKED AND IF IT FITS IN HER SCHEDULE)...I HAVE 3 YOUNG CHILDREN AND A HUSBAND...MY OLDER SISTER HAS OLDER CHLIDREN AND A HUSBAND...BUT TO OUR OTHER SISTERS IT JUST DOESN'T SEAM TO MATTER THAT WE ALWAYS HAVE TO LEAVE OUR FAMILIES TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR MOM...WHY CAN'T THEY SEE IF WE ALL HELPED IN TAKING CARE OF OUR MOM WOULD MAKE OUR MOM HAPPIER. DON'T THEY KNOW SHE MISSES THEM...DON'T THEY CARE ABOUT THEIR MOM AT ALL....AFTER ALL SHE GAVE OF ALL HER LOVE NOT ONLY 2 OF US...ARE THEY BLIND...ARE THEY JUST TOO SELF CENTERED...I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND !!!!!!!!! THANK YOU

I get angry when someone tells me 'if you believe and trust in God, He will lighten your load'. Guess I am like Thomas; I want to see it happen. How long do we wait? I think there must be a special place in this hell of a disease where caregivers can rest; am waiting for the road map and street address. Anyone else frustrated with the 'God won't give you a larger load than you can carry' contingent? I don't blame Him for this and I don't expect Him to rescue anyone either. I just keep going and hope the light at the end of the tunnel is not an approaching train!!

Lately, my mother doesn't know my name or my children's name. I know this is nothing compared to what others are and have gone through but even still......it hurts like hell.....I hate this damn disease!!!

I hate that I am feeling mistreated at work and that I feel guilty that these feelings are my fault. I'm angry that I have lost the relationships I once had. They made my work place somewhere I wanted to be. Yes I made a mistake but I don't feel that I was treated properly. I wish I knew some way to let go of all these pent up feelings the last thing I want to do is to put my family or my marriage in jepordy.

Paris , 19th of July
I am Nils Stalbrand, I am 60, mother has been AZ for 5 years, I am not doing too well, mother's AZ is like a cancer eating me.
but this is OK, I had my life, I am 60, I can leave the table, I have had plenty of good dishes to eat.
It may sound not quite right, but since mother's AZ I have met so many people I would never have met otherwise, I have met on the net people than simply cannot exist if the world is really as bad as it seems to be.
I have also met the Lyme disease people, I often quote your fight to them, in a way they need your assistance, AZ usually gets you quite late, Lyme can get anybody at any age and it is horrible what it does to you and your family and it breeds in the Lyme patients a hatred of medical doctors.
For sure when it will be time to sum up my life and while I present myself to the Creator to account for my life I feel that I will have quite a lot to say about this world where it is allowed to have AZ and Lyme and hunger and , and and ...
But had it not been for AZ I would never have seen the people I have seen.
Had it not been for AZ, say if mother had died in a car accident a few years ago, how would I have known that inside her there was only kindness ? I would be other one of these people going through life with a grudge.
Because of AZ I came to understand that there is nothing they can do about it, they is everybody I would have hated because they said and did this and that. I came to understand in my heart that the poor human beings we are, there is only one thing you can do, feel a loot of pity and hope that in another world things will be better. I admit that while my brain understands this, my emotions continue to feel anger and hatred.
Often it comes to me that I would like to hate this world and everybody including myself but because of what you have said, because of what you have had to endure, because of your courage, then I try to keep some kind of hope.
One day pain may be too much and possibly someone will remember to e-mail the notice but in the meantime it is your strength that keeps me alive.
When the nights are too heavy to endure, feel free to use my e-mail. One of you who was thinking my help during a dark night is nowdays the one who helps me go on day after day, I see that she is on the AOL net, it's enough to give me a little bit more courage.
And before leaving you for tonight, during the 4th of july my family remembered the young americains who died in 1918 and in 1944 so that we could live like free people.
Nils Stalbrand
taberg40@aol.com


terry cuthbert: i knew it was you by the image on the wallpaper, & the long deep howl from our seventeen sons.

I, too, am feeling overwhelmed and angry with the disease. I watch the effect on my children and my marriage. What is the right thing to do. My mother in law is such a negative person that as the disease progresses so does her negativity. Is is really right to have her living in our household????? Would God really be angry with my thoughts that she really needs to be with people with the same disease.

It has been a month since Mother died....I took care of her for over 25 yrs... the last four to the exclusion of a life of my own. Money was always tight....sometimes we had to get sample meds because we could not afford to purchase. Sometimes I even stole to provide what she needed. I neglected my family to care for her....I thought they knew and understood that she needed me; after all they had their own lives, families and were never required to help care for her. Two of my children did not even acknowledge her death, nothing, no card, no phonecall, nothing. How can I forgive the unforgivable? Now there is no income; now I am in poor health; I have no one. How do you keep friends when you care for someone 24/7. What do I do now?

My mother could no longer live alone. She moved to CT from FL to live with me 4 months ago. I work full time, she's about a level 5 and I can no longer care for her as she decompensates. I'm angry and feel guilty.

I wish I could get rid of the anger! Married 47 years and should have divorced at the 20 year mark. Now I am trapped with a man I do not know. I must be compassionate at all times, care at all times smile through it all...while he in this sick space he is in is mean and uses me to a degree he doesn't even understand. I work 40 hours a week and love my job...but he is hell bent on me staying home and waiting on him. I know he is somewhere else in his mind...but I can't understand why this is happening to us. We planned to travel once the children were grown. Now I can't even go down town with him. God help all of you out there going threw this. It is the worst experience of my life and I have had some bad experiences. Thanks for letting me let it out. I stayed too long at the fair!!!

OH BOY THIS DISEASE CAUSES ANGER. . .THERE'S NO RHYME OR REASON TO ANYTHING ANYMORE. HAVE BEEN A CAREGIVER TO MY FATHER FOR 10 YEARS, SINCE MOM DIED OF CANCER. DIAGNOSED WITH AD 4 YEARS AGO, GETS WORSE EVERYDAY. TODAY HE THREW THE NEWSPAPER AT ME, STOMPED AWAY LIKE A 3 YEAR OLD HAVING A TANTRUM, AND SAID HOW DARE YOU TAKE AWAY MY LICENSE. . .GIVE ME THE KEYS. TO BE CONTINUED. . .

i hate my dad, thats all. and i'm not just saying. i came to this after long thinking, and several events. he is cheapm and cares more about saving money then his kids, and he doesn't agree to anything i do, and always treets me like i'm 10 year olds. i need my privacy, wich i'm not getting, and he...... ok never mind. RDB

I am so frustrated with the constant demands made by my mother, that I want to scream. We are in the midst of some negative medical testing that will probably turn out to be nothing, and I find myself wishing for the worst so that she would die sooner. From the moment that I wake up in the morning to the moment I put her into bed a night, she makes demands on me. And the worst of it, is that she doesn't see the demands. She thinks that she is gracious and kind and wonderful, instead of demanding, whiny, demanding, self-centered and manipulative.
I have given up my life... my goals... my dreams... I have stopped in mid-stream in my life to take care of her because she didn't provide for herself. She thinks that she has moved into my home for my benefit that the pittance that she gives to me will help me in my old age. Instead, the reality is that I am having to work harder than I want to work to bring in enough money to maintain her standard of living.
Today has been particularly bad. The morning centered around taking care of her and getting her to a medical appointment. It is hard work to dress her and heave her wheel chair in and out of the trunk of my car. On the way home, I told her that I really needed to get something to eat as I had a headache and would need to eat before I went ot the office. Instead of being grateful for a drive-thru meal, she wanted to go to a new cafeteria in town. Needless to say, I went to the new cafeteria to get her what she wanted. Never a word of appreciation. Only complaints that I am not "nice" to her when I wait on her.
Not nice means things like my reacting when I am getting her dressed and I am on my way to get her shoes and she says to me. I will need some shoes. Like I don't know this and am not already in the process of getting the shoes. She just has to verbalize all the thoughts about her needs and wants that filter through her head. This sounds so petty when I write it, but the constant stream of orders gets very old.
I did have some blessed hours at work, from 2:30 to 6:30pm without her. She stayed at home ate her carry out lunch and took a nap. I ate my carry out lunch as a I drove to the office. When I got home at 7:00pm, I sat down in her room, hoping to have some pleasant interaction. I told her that I was exhausted and really needed a bit of rest. What I got was a barrage of chatter. Eventually, I told her that I really needed to rest. Instead, the chatter continued and at 7:45p, I got up to go to the grocery store, for her expected breakfast foods, to the pharmacy, for her medications, and to a friend's house to feed her dogs. At 9:15, with the food put away, I went into her room to put her meds in the meds box and before I could finish, she was whining at me to clean her lower abdomen. I commented that she was really getting spoiled about this presonal service... and she got mad and told me that I am making her life a living hell. She is sick of listening me complain.
I want to scream. She can whine and complain and demand and tell me anything that she wants, but I am not supposed to do anything but work to support her, wait on her and be nice.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

I want her to die. My mother would HATE this if she knew it. She was always so prim and proper, and now she is going after men she doesn't even know. She is 85 and in late Stage 6. She had a wonderful life until five years ago. What is the point???

You rule mannnn....

I am so angry because my mother won't let me help her. She's 77 years old and has been an alcoholic since I was 10. The problem has become more severe as she has aged, to the point where if she were to quit it would probably kill her (even the doctors gave up). Rehab never helped, so I finally had to quit fighting it. If I don't buy her vodka, she'll take a cab while I'm at the grocery store or somewhere. She was 44 when I was born, and when I was a small child she made me promise never to put her in a rest home. So 4 years ago, when it became obvious that she was no longer eating properly, practicing good hygiene, etc., I moved home to take care of her. I cook, clean, do her laundry, take her places, everything. But lately I can't get her to take her varius medications. Also she won't eat any vegetables at all, so she gets terribly constipated and vomits. Then she can't hold down her vodka and goes into acute alcohol withdrawal. She doesn't want to do anything that! 's healthy. I love her too much to abandon her, and could never live with myself if I were to put her in a rest home. My older brother, who lives far away, pays me to take care of her. It would be a happier situation if she would just let me help her feel better by eating right, etc. Here I am 34 years old, never married (never met the right man), can't date now (because she's always falling and can't get up), and she doesn't even appreciate my sacrifices. I had boyfriends and an active social life before I moved back home, but she thinks that at 34 I should be old enough not to care about such things. I worry about her and feel sorry for myself. When I call friends they just say, "Put her in a home." NO WAY! I would feel guilty the rest of my days -- I wouldn't want to be in one! While I'm putting my life on hold, she could at least eat better and take her meds and maybe cut down on the alcohol intake. I just want to take good care of her because she's my mother and I love he! r.

I WILL SAY A PRAYER FOR EACH OF YOU.I'VE BEEN THERE AND IT'S VERY HARD..MY FATHER PASSED AWAY 4/25/99.I MISS HIM TERRIBLY!! DAD REST NOW GOD IS WITH YOU! I LOVE AND MISS YOU!!

I hate this disease!!!! first my grandfather had it and my parents looked after him until his death.Then my father got it, he has had it for 10 years now.My mother and I looked after him until he became so violent that we were afraid of him.It was so awful seeing him go from a father who adored me to a father who at times wanted to kill me.I am SO MAD AT MY BROTHER!!! He can't see Daddy it upsets him too much, well what does he think my Mom and I feel!! It is torture!When he was at home he would say " where is Rhonda at? " and I would say " here I am Daddy ", then he would go get a picture of me when I was 6 yrs old and say " this is the Rhonda I am looking for". I would just say " she's at school and will be back later". He would beg us to kill him over and over again.He would run away and get on the train track a block form our home and say I want to die.We finally had to put him in a Veterens hospital. I HATE THE TREMENDOUS GUILT I HAVE FOR THIS!!!! I have told ! my children this is what I want them to do if I get ALZHEIMERS, just put me in a home! I can't bare the thought of them going through this.

when i was little, i remember my great grandmother screaming curses at us, not knowing who we are. i was scared then and i am even more scared now, 15 years later because my grandmother is going through the same thing. my grandmother began to show the signs of alzheimers about 8 years ago. my grandfather has chosen to take care of her until about 4 months ago, after much arguing from my mom and aunt and uncle. he couldn't handle it anymore, she was going to hurt herself or him. she needed professional help! my grandmother has a lot of trouble speaking and doing everyday chores. she can't keep herself clean and doesn't know who she is. in the nursing home, she walked into another room one night and got into another man's bed - this man was a total different race than she and my grandfather- very distinctly different, and she talked to him as if he were my grandfather. and snuggled with him. it is reassuring that she still knows she has a husband named Vinny and that she knows she loves him, but she mistook this man for the man she loves. i see her in the hospital/home, and she gets so excited to see us when we visit. sometimes, she seems like she is in jail and they treat her poorly. i feel horrible that we made her go in to the home, but we had no choice. i hate this disease and what its doing to her and my family. my mom is very sensitive and loves her mother very much. she visits very often and cries every time. i hate to think i am selfish, or is it being very unselfish, but sometimes, i wish God would take her and relieve her of her pain and my families pain. but then again, she is in no physical pain. i just wish i knew what was going through her head!!! where does she get these thoughts from!?!?!

whaoaoaoaoaooa

SHE THINKS I'M GOING TO POISON HER, SHE THINKS I'M PLOTTING TO KILL HER. SHE TOLD ALL THE RELATIVES AND HER FRIENDS. SHE HAS PARA