So today is a new day and it feels so rotten already. My father had me up at 2:45 wanting to know where the aid was. When I told him what time it was, he responded by saying, "Ah shut up and stop telling me that. Go fuck yourself.".....my dear, sweet father. Then Mona (one of 2 aids) comes and I thank whoever every day for her. I couldn't do what she does for him, ever. She begins her daily routine with him and he starts calling her all sorts of racial slurs, raising his hands to her as if he's going to slap her. I can't stand this anymore. Mona tells me that if she didn't care so much for me, she'd be gone. She works in a nursing home but I pay her directly at the same price a facility would charge me...she gets the full cut so I'm sure that has something to do with why she stays also. All my mother is concerned with is what I'm going to feed her for dinner, making sure I give her her pills, and to make sure that he's comfortable and ok, etc. She doesn't care anymore about anything else. I wish I didn't. I feel so trapped and to make the decision to put him in a facility will mean approximately $9-10,000/month.

Maybe I'll feel a little bit better now that I've let it out. No friggen solutions.......

P.S. I just accidently deleted my original post here but yesterdays events are old news, they say. My life though feels like the movie, Groundhog Day........same shit, different day.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: SandyF,

Thanks Crick. I know you're having a rough time with your situation too. My tolerance fluctuates. Sometimes I've got it all under wraps and equally, sometimes I just can't imagine taking 5 more minutes of any of it. It's so hard taking care of someone and altering your whole life. It's another thing taking care of someone who you've had major issues with your whole life and doing a good job. And there's nothing worse when you're all alone in this, huh?

One day at a time.........

Hey Sandra
Ilove reading your post in this section of I caregiver. I thought I was alone with these feelings but you are in the same emotional state right now. Although I do not have a brother to look for some help but my dad has a sister. My mom passed away in April that's the last time we heard from her. I sit here with all my life taken from me and she calls the other night. With the oh how are you, I don't have enough energy in me left to respond. She talks with her brother(my dad) and thinks thats enough. At the end of the conversation she says call me if you need to vent. RIGHT Two days later I receive a card in the mail that says Thank you for what you are doing Gee thanks for the help. I pat myself on my on back every hour of the day. Never thought when I made this decision to take my dad in that it would be like this. My life has been taken from me. I can't stand his voice anymore especially when he tells me what to do. He sits there and drills orders like I am 12 again. My mom did everything at home he did nothing. Now he has me I think really bad thoughts sometime. He is taking my marriage from me also. As far as the holidays I was like you and cooked for everyone. He expects me to do this and I refuse to do it. Can't have a holiday without my mom. My daughter just moved to California and is having a tough time of it. I would do anything right now to jump in a plane and go hug her BUT I CAN'T. When he asked about her I tell him that I would love to go see her and then there is silence they are very selfish those parents of ours. I am losing my mind I talk to myself alot and that scares the hell out of me. I was a happy person before this and now I am just totally depressed and can't get out of the funk. He told me tonite that his hip hurt will my back hurts from lifting you all the time . I don't bother anymore saying anything because he just doesn't care. This would be alright if we had a relationship before all of this but we didn't. He just makew me angry now Ijust want to punch him all the time.

My suggestion to is tell the brother on your own that he is not welcomed anymore or let him come and just leave for awhile and get some peace.
She will be fine and it's nice to have them experience a little of what we do everyday.

I just keep apolojizing to my mom up above for not listening when she was here that she was so tired. Now I know what she means I AM TIRED AND IT NEVER GOES AWAY.

Take care Sandra and keep venting it's good to hear someone out there is honest about their feelings.