Being new, I was reluctant to post this but sometimes I get angry with my mother who has PD and Dementia. Sometimes, over the smallest thing, I just lose it. I get inpatient and sometimes I just say NO and of course it is upsetting to her and she gets mad. I always feel bad because I know she can’t help her condition. For example, my mom had an ear infection last month and they gave her drops. Now she wants the drops all the time. Instead of misdirecting, I try to explain to her why I can’t use the drops and that leads to an “argument” which I know is a very bad thing. Her dementia does prevent her from living alone, but she functions OK with help so I still kinda forget about her illness. I think to myself, what will I do when things get really bad? Will I be able to handle it? Why doesn’t it occur to me at the time to just put the drops on the outside of the ear and wipe them away, she doesn’t know the difference. I hope that in time and with some help, I can be a better caregiver. I know much of this stems from the stress but I wonder sometimes if my personality is suited for this huge responsibility. My therapist tells me it is very hard for a child to look after a parent because of the role reversal. She tells me my anger comes from not being able to depend on my mother. It’s a loss of that relationship and she is right, it does make me angry. This was so hard to say and I hope I have not offended anyone. All of the posts I have read are of people trying so hard for their LO at the worst of times. It makes me ashamed to be angry.

Anger is one of the stages of grief.
There are many on this forum who are former caregivers, currently working through all of the other stages. Strangely enough, one of the emotions I haave not felt since Don died is anger. Oh sure, I'm a little miffed at the nursing staff and his doctor, but the anger felt when a loved one 'leaves' was gone. I had used it all up when he was alive. In the early stages I did get angry with Don - he was doing such stupid stuff! - and no one realized he was ill. Later on I expended my anger at his family. They were really good at taking advantage of him, but he loved his daughter so much. It was easier to let him "take care" of her and keep quiet, but I was very very angry, and his daughter knew it.
As usual, I got off the point!
We are all entitled to be angry, and should not be ashamed of feeling that way. But the hardest thing to do when we are angry is to remember to be angry at the disease, not the person. How many of you had children? Did you get angry at them when they were small? Of course! But think back: wasn't that anger usually backed up by fear? "You took my GOOD blanket and climbed up on the roof and jumped OFF?? What w4re you THINKING?" Mom is feeling scared that the child could have seriously hurt himself. The child is thinking "well, gosh, that blanket was the best in the house to learn to fly - it's just a silly blanket - boy, she's really mad!!"
NEVER be ashamed of anger. If we learn to work with it, it can be a very useful emotion.

quoteBeing angry and selfish and even a teensy bit mean sometimes is not a shame - it is human. Most of the time, I am well on my way to functioning like that fully matured adult I strive to be. But sometimes, the little girl in me wails and wants her mommy! The daughter in me wants to call her mom for consolation and advice. Sometimes, I simply miss her. quote

WOW! That's it in a nutshell! MB you are BRILLIANT!!!

It is true, some of us are better equiped to be caregivers. I lost that equipment box somewhere down the highway, I am sure of it!

That is just how it goes, and it is ok! I have had many negative thoughts about myself because I have lost my temper, self control, patience, and everything else I have needed to be better at taking care of those in my family who are in need.

Just take it one moment at a time and do the best you can and let the rest go.

Thought you might enjoy this anecdote. I interrupted myself while writing the earlier post to go check on mom. She has been picking holes in her arm that require bandaids. Today, the nurse and I took extra care in bandaging these with other materials we thought might hold up better.

Guess what was sitting on her table when I walked in? You betcha! ALL the wonderful bandaging, neatly arranged there for disposal! Because we used some thin plastic dressing material, it was TOUGH to remove, so now she has scratches and bruising from the removal in addition to the sores.

So I gently fussed at her. My husband walked in and asked how she was and she said, "Fine, except that I'm in trouble for picking off my bandages."

So I shut my mouth and tried a different bandaging technique, brought her some lemonade and everything is fine again.

Wanna know why I was REALLY aggravated with her? My mother would NEVER do such a thing! My mother knows about germs and leaving bandages alone. She TAUGHT me these things.

Where IS my mother?

I see those sores and I wanna cry! They look so awful and they are self-inflicted and so NOT my mother!!

BUT it's easier to fuss, isn't it? Rather than admit that it is bewildering and terribly sad. And SO not my mother!

So don't feel like the lone ranger!

Whenever I am angry and short with mom, I have found that in about 99.999% of the cases, it's a thinly disguised pity party in the making by yours truly! The times I get angry with mom are the times I would most like to just sit down in a heap and BAWL like an orphaned calf!

I have frequently remarked that I think caring for our elders is the final step in becoming a full-fledged adult, when everything comes full-circle.

Being angry and selfish and even a teensy bit mean sometimes is not a shame - it is human. Most of the time, I am well on my way to functioning like that fully matured adult I strive to be. But sometimes, the little girl in me wails and wants her mommy! The daughter in me wants to call her mom for consolation and advice. Sometimes, I simply miss her.

Nothing lasts forever except love and we ALL miss times that came before. It seems silly sometimes to sit and sniffle because I want to call my mom and talk with her and she is in the next room, but mourning doesn't revolve around reason; it knows only that it wants something that is no longer accessible.

When I find myself getting short and angry with Mom, I withdraw to a quiet space and ask myself what am I missing, what is making me sad, what am I grieving for? Guilt is the most useless emotion we have, so I don't spend much time on it. I try to spend more energy on forgiveness - of her, of others, and most especially, of myself for all my shortcomings.

When I get to the REAL crux of the matter with myself, it doesn't take long and I can return to my duties feeling renewed and recentered, if still a trifle wobbly-kneed. The anger in this case is not a valid emotion, but a symptom, as it's an easier emotion to express than profound sadness or disappointment, etc.

Hang in there, Anna. You've got the right stuff - just trust yourself! Don't be so dadgummed HARD on yourself - you're only human! Heroes are made from the same raw materials as are cowards. People don't go around being all wonderful 24/7 - sometimes even the most saintly among us behave like asses and selfish brats! Keep your finger on your own pulse and be as quick to understand and forgive yourself as you would anyone else. You'll do just fine.

I understand how you feel when you say you feel ashamed to be angry. I felt that way too for a long time,,,sometimes it still crops up. Ashamed and then of course incredibly GUILTY. It was hard for me to care for my Mom because we never had a good relationship to begin with. My Mom was abusive to my brother and I for years and I spent my early adult married life trying to escape her. Now I am her caregiver and I was resentful. I found that I just was not suited to full time caretaking in my home. Maybe because of our unique relationship, maybe its just me...either way I wasn't doing her or me any favors. So rather than have a breakdown, I allowed her to live in assisted living and now a nursing home so that I could do what I can on my own time. I don't have to try and argue her into pajamas or give meds, I can just bring her chocolate and talk about the weather and my kids and bring her photos and sometimes just sit with her. I also felt guitly reading some of the posts where people are dedicating their lives to their family member and I felt I was taking the easy way out. But remember that you owe yourself your own sanity at the very minimum. I had to put my kids, my husband, my life first. Mom is Mom and I will always be there for her. I guess that is the best I can do and I have had to work hard to accept that and find peace. My Mom is only 67 but has moderate-severe dementia from Lewy Body Disease. Good luck to you on your journey. And don't feel like you are held to any standard of what you should do or how you should feel. With dementia patients each relationship is unique and you are no less of a caregiver if you feel angry sometimes.

Anna, if she wants the drops all the time, could you ask her doctor if there are some harmless drops that that wouldn't cause any problems, like saline drops?

anna. it sounds like you are a great daughter and good caretaker. i see mom's and daughters or any family combination just letting it fly. my H's family is like that. what i take as family arguments are just who they are and always have been. not abusive but definitly opinionated!it blows over immediately. if being vocal in your family is how it has always been then that's how it is. only you know what are normal family dynamics and what is over stress as a caregiver. you know your limits, and yes, these quirks they have can drive one to drink. it isn't just the elderly who pull this. if you blow up make sure it is something she can understand. if it is the illness, back up and take a few breaths or leave the room and collect yourself. it sounds like you have your mom's back though, so you needn't defend yourself. just say sorry and go forward. hang in there. your questions about if you are cut out to be a caregiver is a natural one. be honest with yourself and admit your limitations if you reach them. it is good that you are seeking psychological help. your therapist will help you with these questions. also by coming here you wll getadvice and opinions that may or may not help. it is all hit and miss for us as each illness is a bit different but there are little tricks we learn from each other that help. it is a daily learning experience and we all have something to share. hang in there. as you learn more you will be better equipped to answer your question about whether or not you are suited for caregiving. it is so hard. you are not alone.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: fat, dumb and happy,

[QUOTE]Originally posted by ec kostrubala:
[QUOTE]Anna I have a question: why does she want the drops all the time? I'm wondering if she wants them because her ears are still infected and the drops make her feel better, or if her ear itches or something like that? All I can say is if that were my mother and she wanted the drops "all the time", I'd find out if her infection is clearing up or if it's still there and getting worse so she needs something else or what - ie, get those ears re-examined and tell the doc that she wants the drops "all the time."

No, her ears are fine. She just doesn't hear that well anymore. She has seen one of the best Ear, Nose & Throut Drs. in our area. She just remembers the treatment and wants the drops. Hopefully, when she is fitted for a hearing aide, this will stop.

Thanks everyone……

I take to heart all of your comments and suggestions. I believe that we are all tested from to time and some of us can step up to the plate and get the job done and others well, just can’t. I’m a fighter and I fight for my Mom. I still have expectations for her, that she can still have a good quality life and sometimes, I have to push a little. Does that mean that I get a little exasperated and upset? Sure it does, I’m only human. Do I sometimes doubt myself, yes I do. But when it counts the most, I’m there. When my mother had a recent psychotic event, I talked her down. Literally, just sat and reasoned with her. Many of you would probably say that’s futile, she can’t help what’s happening. Well, I told her she could help it. The ER doctors wanted to hospitalize her but thank goodness, her doctors agreed to send her home with me. You know why? Because I am at every single doctor’s appointment and they know she was going to better off with me. Was it bad, yeah it was. I sat with her the whole time, didn’t sleep for days and eventually with the change in medication and me reasoning with her, she improved. It took me forever to explain to her what had happened. Now, she has no psychosis and she will be starting Day Care and Outpatient Physical Therapy.

I agree that my mother will probably at some point become very disabled. Guess what, I’m pissed that I will loose her that way and it scares me. But why should I not treat her as I always have since she is still, well herself. I love her too much to just give up and if it means that sometimes I blow up and she blows up and we banter back and forth, well so be it. It might not look pretty but I know it is still us being NORMAL.

quote:

Now she wants the drops all the time. Instead of misdirecting, I try to explain to her why I can’t use the drops and that leads to an “argument”

Anna I have a question: why does she want the drops all the time? I'm wondering if she wants them because her ears are still infected and the drops make her feel better, or if her ear itches or something like that? All I can say is if that were my mother and she wanted the drops "all the time", I'd find out if her infection is clearing up or if it's still there and getting worse so she needs something else or what - ie, get those ears re-examined and tell the doc that she wants the drops "all the time."

Only after doing that would I then think of this as something abberant, having nothing to do with her ears but rather her confusion or not understanding what the drops are used for.

IF, and that is an IF, the doc examines her again and finds there is no physical reason for her desire for those drops all the time would I then do this (depending on what doc says is safe to do):

bring her a bottle with inert ingredient in it,(whatever doc told me is fine to use) for her to put in her ear, and then leave the bottle with her to play with or keep or whatever she wants to do with it, since it has a doc approved inert ingredient she could even swallow if that's her thing and thus, the drops are in her possession to do with as she pleases, no harm done to her.


Eventually, she will tire of playing with those drops.

I understand your frustration. After one hospitalization my mother insisted she take "Metamucil" every morning because that is what the hospital gave her every morning.

I had Equate. I showed her it is psyllium husks, exactly the same ingredient as Metamucil. She insisted only Metamucil would do. This unreasonableness out of her was uncharacteristic of her, and it was a sign of her mental deterioration at the time.

I asked her if she'd like to talk with her doctor about this? YES, she said.

So I phoned her doc and she spoke to them about it. They told what I had about Equate.

She got off the phone with them and told me they don't know what they're talking about. LOL.

I solved this by getting Metamucil, and from then on, putting Equate into it. LOL. She never knew the difference, because there is none.

Now, she's not like that. Properly medicated now and thus, more in her right mind now. But at the time, there was no point explaining to her about it: she had a fixed idea and nothing was going to remove her fixation with Metamucil.


As my next door neighbor, who takes care of his elderly mom says, "They get like little kids." And they do not realize it, either. Big hugs.

Annas, there is not a person here who has not experienced anger.I do believe the doctor has given you one good reason.Role reversal is not easy.We become what our parent was for so long.The person we saw as the rock and was always there when we needed them.Not esy to understand they are no longer that person.Especially because they are adults and adults are suppose to know how to do what ever it takes.
The idea of using water for her ears is a good one.
Maybe the stress is overwhelming and you need respite time.Maybe you need to do something spontaneous for your self.
Another thing, do not dwell on the events of the day.When mom waas not cooperative chalked it up to the day.You may learn something by her response to something.
Step back from the situation.When dealing with dementia you never know how they will react.
Also, maybe you are not able to deal with all that is involved.Be honest with your self.You will not be a caregiver if you know it is too much for you r to handle.Better to be honest then to live in stress all the time.

Anna please you have offended no one...well you havent offended me but I guess Im in a good mood right now not to mention I actually sleep now maybe a few months ago I might have got a little angry at the arguments....
See there it is the arguing thats a no no sweetie that means you are stressed and overwhelmed but I get that.
We have all been guilty of that at one time or another we all have bad days.
The thing I think you really have to look at is does this occur more often than not?
Only you can honestly answer that.
Your mom cant control anything she does so arguing gets you no where if she wants eardrops do just what you thought keep filling that bottle up with water and drop away on the outer ear pat dry and say "there ya go mom all better" and go back to whatever it was you were doing.
I did this myself with my own MIL, instead of giving her a drug she no longer needed but wanted I gave her a nondescript looking pill to satisfy her latest craving. Problem solved. Ok before anyone starts thinking bad things it was candy sheesh sorry even I cringed when I saw that in print! lol
If you can swing it find yourself some respite do you have family involved? Get them to help out and give you a break.
But the most important thing you can do here sweetie is sit down and honestly answer this...
Is this something you want to do? And I mean be honest if you have any doubts about the quality of care you can give your mom without blowing up and getting angry then do it but if you think this is going to continue then I seriously suggest you find your mom a place because the last thing you want to feel when this is all over is guilt....

Don't ever be ashamed of the anger that naturally comes with the frustration of caregiving! Why do you think this anger wall is here! Noone has an easy time of accepting,and dealing, especially in the beginning. Actually it gets easier when she's not as high functioning because by then you see that the illness creates these behaviors. Right now that's hard to see plainly, and easy to forget. We've been there.