Hey all,

Although I havent posted in a while, I still check in from time to time...and now really need to get some stuff off my chest.

Dad turned 82 about two months ago and is still going strong. His memory is fading faster now, he will tell you the same things within minutes.

I feel very badly for him because my siblngs really just seem to not care.

For Xmas this year, we were driving down to CT on Xmas day and then to NY to spend the day with my partners family. I know dad does not like long rides like that, so I asked siblings if he could stay with them for the day...answer was no. It is not that dad is any trouble, but my sister feels that it is not fair of ME to expect someone else to care for him. It is HER father too! They NEVER care for him.

I have asked her a number of times in the past year if she could help...come down for a day so I can get out. She has NEVER done it...she always has excuses.

So anyway, Xmas comes, Dad goes with us...my partners family is great with him, they have gifts for him and there are little kids there, so he had fun. The next day tho, he told our CG that he missed his own family and couldn't understand where they were.

So New Years Day, my brother decides he wants to see Dad and he invites my sister. They want to meet at Friendly's (local ice cream shop-diner type of place) for breakfast...so we have Xmas there with Dad. My sister gives Dad a Friendlys gift card so he can pay for breakfast...that was his Xmas gift. Of course, it doens't cover the bill and I have to pay the rest.

That was Jan 1, it is now Feb 19 and she hasn't come by or called him since.

Now my brother who, although not very well, helps take care of dad informs me last week that he is not doing it anymore. He does not offer a solution, just dumps it on me. His wife is expecting and he needs to be there. So now I have to have the CG come one more day...he sees no problem with it, except it is $200 more a week...his solution is that Dad has the reverse mortgage money for this...except that is is $10,000 more a year and that will wipe out the money...plus it means I now to pay dads life insurance, taxes on the house, and all medical bills. None of the siblings will help with this and feel that it is the price I pay for living in the house for free! That is laughable as I am not living...I am trapped. I can't leave without Dad or paying someone olut of my own pocket to watch Dad. Plus I pay all of the utilities, food, entertainment for Dad.

There are 7 kids in my family...not one of them seems to care except me.

So, we are at Friendlys the other day as we take Dad there weekly for his favorite breakfast. He tells me he wants $200 out of his bank account. I try to calmly explain to him--AGAIN-- that he really doesn't have money to throw around like that...his money pays for the CG. He YELLS that he had over $1,000 in there and what did I do with it. So we got home and I gave him a piece of paper (although his memory is failing he still has an incredible ability with numbers). I have him add up his pension and SS $ amounts...then I have him subtract the CG costs. He is calm and sees that there is not enough. I explain tha my partner and I are covering the rest and all of his bills. He is upset that he has no money, so I gave him $100 to keep in his wallet.

My brother came over and after talking to dad complains to me that he is having a hard time with dads memory loss. He wants to know why dad can't remember and thinks more meds are the answer. I, once again, explain what dementia and alzheimers are and that his memory is going to continue to go. He gets frustrated talking to dad and yells at him and leaves...Dad has NO idea what he did wrong, and the failing memeory becomes a blessing as Dad forgets about the outburst soon.

OK...enough babbling...how do I cope with this...why are my siblings being so awful and why do I feel so trapped...

Hey, that’s a years worth of therapy talking. I really had to get over what others were and were not doing, it was driving me NUTS. Once I let it go and said OK Mom, it is just you and me walking down this road, I could focus on what needed to be done.

PRCTT, I live with my Mom too and my brother probably thinks the same thing about living “rent” free. I really do understand and feel very badly for you. When you are in this type of situation, the other siblings can certainly take advantage because it does not impact their lives, like it does yours.

Anna, no one will be mad at you.I made a choice to care for 3.Because I wanted to give them the quality of life they deserved.
I do believe family deserves to step up to the plate.When they are so emphatic about their love and concern about the afflicted, they need to be part of the compforting..
I saw where there was no reason for family to give me a helping hand.Nothing drastic, but something.To say one cares and then does nothing contridicts what they say.
If you respect them and the caregiver you lend a helping hand.If unable physically, there are other ways.
I saw too many as being self absorbed.Excuses that would not hold up with me.
But that is tgheirs to deal with.I gained so much from my experience.They will never experience the good I did.They will never be challenged as I was and made a better person.
I benefited from caregiving so much.I got so much more then I gave.Others, they talk but they have to know that talk is cheap.I waled the walk and talked the talk.
To have given of my self has been more rewarding then any boughtn gift I have received

quote:

I hope everyone doesn’t get mad at me but I look at care giving as a choice.

Mad? Not at all Anna you are without a doubt 100% correct.

Torp, Yeah you right girl

AnnaS, I think most of us here are caring for our LOs with the same perspective. Sibs do respond to this challange differently. But even when they won't or can't be helpful, I think they could at least refrain from causing more problems.

Low expectations mean fewer disappointments and more opportunities for pleasant surprises to be sure. We are all very different even when raised in the same house by the same parents. But really, when they act like they are going to be nice and don't follow through, it is a kick in the gut.

I hope everyone doesn’t get mad at me but I look at care giving as a choice. I use to think or tell myself that I had to care for my mom because “who else was going to do it”. Now, I say that I am doing it because it is what I want to do. You know, my mom isn’t holding a gun to my head keeping me here with her. I’m here because I want to be here. By owning my actions, I don’t put any expectation on my sibling. I’m able to keep our relationship intact despite his lack of ability or willingness to help with our mom. I don’t rely on family or friends and if any one reaches out it is always a pleasant surprise because I know it is genuine. I know that family issues can get very complicated especially when there are several siblings. The best advice I can give is keep the thought that what you do as a caregiver is done out of true love and compassion and is a choice on your part.

quote:

Originally posted by MERRWID:
Sad thing is, she has two daughters just like her.

No doubt, like us, your comfort comes in the certain knowledge that "what goes around, comes around." Karma is a b*tch.

What is the saddest is that, at least for those with even a modicum of humanity, it's sad to see those who are reaping what they have sown. On the one hand, we see that they have earned what they are experiencing, but on the other hand we have enough compassion to recognize that ... well... karma is a b*tch.

At the end of time, we can at the least give thanks that we aren't them. Just saying' ...

Back in May 2006 Don and I took what turned out to be our last out of town trip. I know he enjoyed himself, because he kept talking about "soing that again next year." So, when his daughter wanted to take him for a visit to Wisconsin in June 2006, all 3 of us thought it would be all right. After all, he wasn't going someplace strange; they were going to visit more family.
They left on a Saturday morning. Somewhere on the road, they got lost and argued. When I called at 9:30 that night to see if they had arrived, I got the daughter screaming on the phone, "He's an @$$hole, he's YOUR @$$hole, and you can have him!!" (an opinion that was shared by the granddaughter, too.) They were home Sunday night, the daughter didn't speak to either of us for 2 weeks, and then she told me she would not be caregiving anymore. I just thank the Lord that Don was too far gone to realize that the little girl he thought hung the moon had turned on him so completely.
I was silent about a lot of things when Don was alive, but if I ever see her face to face again, she'll really be in for it. Sad thing is, she has two daughters just like her.

All three are right here, Mae. Perhaps you need to refresh your page manually.

i have written 2 posts and they are not appearing

ditto, and more dittos to what ha been said.
Moms buddy, I will never come face to face with you if I have been bad.A pea shooter and a shot gun.No thanks.
My mother use to say do not spend it all in the same place.I find my self saying the same.They say the fruit does not fall far from the tree.They are right.
When we have family that are so out of touch we have to feel sorry for them and not use so much energy on them.
They will continue to do what they want and how they want with no regard for anyone.Focus your energies on something more positive, when possible.

Ladies, dittos, and more dittos
Moms buddy, I will never ever get you mad at me.A pea shooter, and a shot gun, ouch.
My mother use to say Not to spend it all in one place, now I find my self saying the same.
She does live through me in so many ways.They say the fruit never falls far from the tree.

quote:

If family doesn't understand alheimers, or dimentia, tell them to google it.

It's so sad to see this phenomenon over and over again... There are some people who just DO NOT GET IT, no matter how many times and languages it's explained. One has to be WILLING to understand for information to sink in and some people just either can't or won't absorb the facts of the big picture! Which would be fine if they weren't able to make everyone around them so damned miserable and upset! Selfish people have a natural repellent against "facts" and "understanding" because it's ALL about them! They really cannot see past their own noses and only understand things from their narrow perspective. I can't help but feel sorry for people like that - they are bigtime losers in life.

I wish that our memories, like those of our failing parents, could be wiped clean of upsetting influences from the selfish ones. If they only realized how AWFUL they are behaving and the memories they are leaving us of them...

quote:

My brother came over and after talking to dad complains to me that he is having a hard time with dads memory loss. He wants to know why dad can't remember and thinks more meds are the answer. I, once again, explain what dementia and alzheimers are and that his memory is going to continue to go. He gets frustrated talking to dad and yells at him and leaves...Dad has NO idea what he did wrong, and the failing memeory becomes a blessing as Dad forgets about the outburst soon.

OK...enough babbling...how do I cope with this...why are my siblings being so awful and why do I feel so trapped...

I dunno what will work for you, but after normal explanations fail, I get very assertive. I would not allow that brother to EVER sashay in and become impatient with Dad's memory ever again. If your brother cannot conduct himself in an appropriate manner in front of a person with diminished mental capacity, he needs to stay the heck away.

As to why they behave badly - I WISH I had an answer. All I know is that TOO many people these days are way too busy thinking only of themselves. When and if they ever catch on, it's waaaaay too late and their selfish behavior and the misery it caused cannot be unremembered. The only way I have been able to cope is to ignore as much bad behavior as I can. When I cannot explain, excuse or ignore any more, I have no guilt about letting a butthead have it with both barrels. The trick is knowing which fights to pick and when a pea-shooter will work and when a shotgun is more appropriate. Whenever you get to feeling sad and alone because the other 6 sibs are dropping the ball, imagine how disappointed your parents would be!! At least they have ONE Best-In-Show out of the litter!! Sometimes it's better to be alone than in the midst of bad company. I know your parents are proud of you, and I hope that you are, too! You COULD have turned out like the other 6...

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Moms_Buddy,

If family doesn't understand alheimers, or dimentia, tell them to google it. Most probably have a computer and know how to google.

I'm afraid I'd been dang ugly and showed them the door talking to my parent like that. May have to do that before its over with.

I agree about the lock box. These vultures will want to take things before he's in the ground.

Dimentia and alheimers are so hard for us to deal with. Its really sad seeing someone you loved so much not remember simple things. Knowing its not their fault helps. My best friends Mom had it. I dealt with her a little bit, and it was really sad. When she realize her mom had it, her dad was in the hospital dying.

Glad your dads will was done when he was of sound mind. No attorney would touch it now. Lol....on the $1 he left a few. Tell them from me, don't spend it all in one place! They will get what they deserve, and I hope there is some for you. You deserve a Gold metal for taking such good care of him.

Bunnysgrl, I see your passion runs as deep as mine.
I also would have a locked box to keep all his valuable in and hi from the vulchers.My mother and aunt each had a special box where they kept their valuables.I had the keys .Once a week I would take them out to assure them nothing was taken.I never opened the box unless my aunt, who was of very sound mind, was present.

I am so sorry your having to face this sweetie they just dont get it and never will.
As for Bro yelling Thats it I dont give a good GD if Dad wont remember 10 minutes from now or not that will get you a fast ticket (or ass kickin) out my front door
No kidding. This is no way to treat their father or you for that matter. Make them tow the line sweetie if they cant you are just going to have to let it go but yelling in your home at your father is a big fat no no, Your father has no idea what he is doing that to me is the equivalent of yelling at a toddler who doesnt even know the rules
You have earned this right, you and your partner both, you are the ones that take care of dad.
I hope like heck you have printed receipts of those expenditures not just notes.
When dealing with Estate issues EVERYTHING that came out of my pocket was not only backed up by the "printed receipt" I attached the canceled check to it and kept it all in a file, you will have to produce this all in the end to the court appointed accountant to get reimbursed
You may even be able to write some of this stuff off on your Taxes make sure you ask your tax preparer about everything having to do with your Dads care.
Here in Cali since my MIL makes under a certain amount from SSI we are able to write her off on taxes plus any durable medical equipment we have to purchase.

The funny thing is that I think they are just all waiting for him to die so that can take and take and take. After we lost my mom they did it...within days her room was ransacked. I had gone in and wanted to take different pieces of jewelry for the people who had helped care for her, but one of my sisters had already cleaned out what they wanted.

But dad now, he really is healthy...his last dr appointment, the dr told me that he was healthier than he has been in years. He used to go to the dr every other month for check ups, but the dr said it was no longer necessary...physcially he is in great shape...so i think their waiting is going to be jsut that for a while! Yesterday he said, well I am 82 now, only 82 more years to go!

One of the things I have learned through this site is to keep track, so I have been marking down everything I spend for the house...homeowners insurace, med, that type of thing. Now I will have to be even better about it.

I also suspect that what you said about when he passes is going to be true...they will all cry...they have already asked him aboutn his money and what happens when he dies...lol. What they don't know is that the will was written with my mom a couple o years back and now it can't be changed becuase of his Alz diagnosis. Needless to sya, they are NOT going to be happy. Even tho there are 7, it is all left to 3 of us. The rest get a $1 (there was a lot of bad blood between them and my mom).

Plus, now that I am keeping track, I plan to get back my money from the estate whenever it happens...which is why I am keeping track better.

Thanks for all of your words...at least I know I am not crazy or alone!

Families are so wonderful, are they not.When the going gets tough they are no where to be found.Shame on them for not being more informed about dementia.If they had any love or respect for either of you, they would be there.
Their remarks sound like those of spoiled children.You get more then me so you do all the work.
First, keep account of all money spent out of your pocket.Also, you can deduct if you pay 50%or more of his keep.But you will be able to get this money back if and when the house is ever sold.
A large family with the same attitude.Amazing.Maybe they failed to see their names are on the birth certificates.Maybe all your parents taught them and did for them made ni impact on them.
Amazing how so many cannot step up to the plate.
They sure do set a good example for any children they have or may have.I would say they are more then weak in the knees.I would say they lack true character and compassion.They are centered on them selves and the hell with anyone else.
Make sure you keep track of all the money spent for dad, out of his funds.Sounds like they may choose to question every thing.But those with hands off mentality are the first to question any thing the caregiver does.It obsolves them of all their failures.
In the end we never forget those who abandoned us in our time of need.What we do is go forward and let them deal with their self serving attitudes.
They have no idea what family means.They will cry the hardest at the funeral, be there to accept all sympathy , etc.But they will know they failed you and dad.Let them try to forgive them selves for what they have not done.Your job is not to forgive them.You have stepped up to the plate
This makes me so dam mad.People have no compassion.They are in this world for them selves.If money was to be gotten they would find time.

Just look through the "Family Dynamics" and "Anger Wall" sections at the other CGs posts and you will see that you are not alone! Often they (sibs)don't GET IT or I sometimes wonder if they don't want to GET IT. It's a darn shame.

Sounds familiar. About all we can do is try to keep reminding ourselves that at the end of it all, we are the ones who won't have self-recriminations or regrets to live with for the rest of our lives.