It's disconnected all right, by choice!!!

My dad is in the hospital, yes he went on a drinking binge last week, a diabetic..ended up in the hospital with urgent needs. He will probably be there for a few more days, or longer.

My sister is Dad's "go to" person for everything. She is very good with him, laughs and jokes with him, just to pick up his spirits. Her family is very supportive also. She lives closest to the hospital and is able to come and go, keeping an eye on him and contact with the staff. Dad wants her, if I am there and she is not, he constantly asks where she is, he will visit with me, but the topics are limited. If she is busy, or out of town, he will barely communicate with me because he wants her. I am cool with that..they have a bond, that I don't fit in to, again, it's good. I am glad that they get along and he will listen {partially} to her.

We have a brother and two step sisters {who are young and all about themselves right now, not really in the picture unless they can get money out of Dad}. Our brother has been hurt by Dad and cannot get over it, all of us have been hurt by him. Dad always found company with other women while he was married to our Mother, that was years ago and we have all moved on.

I always dread calling my bro, if I have some type of news regarding Mom, or Dad, he looses all composure, in a split second he an be ranting and raving, yelling, carrying on about how stupid they both are {they are both ill, and aged, he just does not have time for that in his life, he does not want to be bothered by it, and so on, I hate talking to him anymore.

When I called bro Saturday morning to tell him Dad was ill and in the hospital, he mentioned that Dad had called him last week while he was on the drinking binge.....for the life of me, I do not understand why my bro spends so much time argueing with Dad, I know that Dad is very wrong for behaving the way he has, but that does not change the matter that he is in need right now. Bro said he can't come to the hospital, that he is sick and tired of Dad's behavior, when all the while, Dad was calling him because he needs to have a connection with his son, his son is too busy with his job and being "Mr. Important" to acknowledge his family right now. Bro called me today wanting the info on Dad's location, said he might go see him this evening, he lives closer to the hospital than I do. He never showed, he always has his wife call and make excuses.

I have decided that I am not going to let my sister shoulder this responsibility, it is not fair to her. But, after the way my bro behaved when I called him initially, I just am not going to put myself through his bad mood, and his constant anger about everything. He is a very hard person to talk to on a good day. If he wants to know about Dad, then he can call, I am not going to disrupt his busy life!!!!

I am so tired of my brother acting like he has so much on his plate and no one else understands. My sister on the other hand, just buried her grandchild about a month ago, her H needs surgery to replace the valves in one of his legs because of blood clots.....and I have things going on that neither one of them know about. But, I am going to put my story aside, and be supportive to my sister and my Dad. They are both needing me, and I am not going to let them down.

My brother can stay at home, or go off riding his "bike"....yeah, that's a good place for him to be! I hate to have a split in my family, it has already happened in the past when my grandmother died, and I hate loosing contact with people I love for stupid reasons!

This is a choice my brother has made, I hope he can live with it in the future.

Thanks for the kind words Christine, with tears in my eyes, and no glasses, I think I spelled your name right!

Sister decided it good to send everyone email, everyday. My brother knows what the situation is, just not all teh particulars. He can now make his own decision without us having to hear his rambling. Man, I think he needs anger management classes, like yesterday!!

Sorry blue you are going through this... you are truly a good person. A very strong person. I think your family is lucky to have you and your sister.
As far as your brother. If he wants to find out about your dad let him on his own. You have reach out enough to him only to get his wrath about your parents.
Just do the best you can do for your dad and working as a team with your sister. It will be your brothers loss in the end. You on the other hand will know you gave it your all. Despite your Dad's favoritism. I wish you the best. We all think you are super cool and loving.

Hey BWB,

I can so relate to you on this. I am the oldest of 7 and aide from my youngest bro who helps on Mondays, I am the only one who is taking care of Dad.

They all have excuses. Mom and Dad were not the greatest of parents and this is my sibs way of getting back. Unfortuantely I am the ne who is suffering from it. dad has dementia and he has NO idea.

One of them, my youngest sis, is the apple od dad's eye. She comes to visit once every 5 weeks (she lives about 30 minutes away!). Every time she visits, Dad is so happy for days, but she doesn't even speak toi him during the viist, she talks to me.

At the beginning I was really upset, but I figure, I am doing what I can for Dad and I can't make the rest do anything, so I am plugging along. I have my days when it getsto me, but thenI know I can't change their minds and they will have to live with it when Dad is gone.

So, make sure you take care of you...don't worry about their problems and as siad here, jsut email them with updates (I do it monthly).

I will keep you in my thoughts!

Exactly MB, thanks!!!!

Everyone who has replied to me is right.

I am going to let my bro be himself. I have my own emotional dramas going on right now, nothing of which I have spoken to anyone in my family...my sis has enough, though if I talked to her she would cry for me and be so supportive. It is just my choice of how to handle things right now.

Dad has infection in the bone, his foot will be amputated, not sure when, but I assume fairly quickly. I am good with the fact that he wants my sister, but what am I going to do when she leaves friday to see her nephew graduate college? Dad will be depressed, he already is, and grumpy, and asking me when she is coming home, then he will find a reason for me to leave the hospital. All I can give him is the best I have, and that's just the way it is. He loves me for sure, I do know that. He is so very sick right now from the poison in his body, and he is trying to be good to us, I don't blame him for anything he says or does right now. I have been around people who have behaved much worse in my life.

Yes, my bro has lots and lots of unpacked baggage, sister and I have had the baggage, but we let it go. When we both started having mountains of health problems, we knew it was time to live our lives and let Dad go to his vices. It was the best gift we could give ourselves.

One thing for sure, I have been known to let the manure fly, and if it comes down to it, I will tell bro to dump it and be a man about it.
I just don't want to have ill feelings with anyone, but..if I have to, I will.

I really like being the sweet one though, life just doesn't always give us those options!

Big Huge HUGS to all of my sweet heart friends here, I could not make it through these times without you!!!

I think that some alanon meetings will do this entire family a lot of good. (Alanon is the support group for the families of alcoholics.)

Frankly, I don't judge the brother for needing to be disengaged from the drama. But he does need to be able to do it without all the pain and anger.

Sounds like daughters have some issues as well.

When there's an alcoholic in the family, the entire family is sick and needs help whether they realize it or not.

I've lived it. But because of the wise support we got, it didn't tear my brothers and me apart. We were able to have some mercy on ourselves, and on each other.

blue, it breaks my heart when i hear things like this. unfortunatley some people will never grow up. i guess i don't give a rat's rear about the past, i wasted too many years myself fuming about it, not same situation but still a case of wasted years. i was the happiest person in the worls when i let it go. some people will carry the grudge forever and never mature. his loss. i know you could use support and split families are heartwrenching but you are going to be carrying a tremendous load. energy wasted on him is not well spent. leave the door open but don't bother to set the table. he might not show up.i don't know all that has happened between the two of them but it is time he put on his big boy panties and became a real man.it sounds like your father was sick before, alcoholism is a sickness in itself. i wish i could ease your burden but the only thing i can offer is my prayers and to be there for you. we all care so much for you. don't let anything tarnish the goodness you have in you. leave your message and leave it up to him, no moreenergy than that. god bless you.

Excellent advice from Mom's Buddy.

Seems pretty simple to me, Blue. Your Dad has "made his bed" with his family - some are willing to forgive/forget, some aren't. Your father's relationships with his children and theirs with him are not your lookout. If you want to help him and help support your sis, go for it. If informing your bro about father updates puts you in the line of fire, email him and make no apology for doing so.

Life is too short to worry about the problems of others which one can do absolutely ZERO about...

Blue I am so very sorry but like I said its time for the "quiet one" to speak up.
Your Brother well heck this could very well be my late brother too he acted like this also, nothing outta him but stupidity and disrespect. Sorry this is a little left over from him the lil pisher!
Lay the cards on the table he is being childish let go of the past for the future is sure enough gonna kick him when its all over for the sins of today.
There is no need to be screamin in your ear your not the villain here nor have you ever been tell him to have some respect for his own flesh and blood or did he seem to forget that lil detail?!
You ARE FAMILY. Dammit Im sick to death of this lack of respect people seem to have today and why because everyone around them allows these people to get away with it. Its ok to scream and yell its ok to hate or not show respect for their parents...Bull crap!
He has 2 parents ill I dont give a flyin freak if he cant stand who they WERE they are ill and need compassion right now not some jackass that cant seem to grow up and act like a man with some common decency...Eeewww and not show up have his wife call to make excuses there it is THAT says it all in a nutshell he cant even make the call himself?!
I gotta go get a drink Im pissed for ya baby. Oh lord child I better shut down now before I say somethin I really mean.

Blue, this BITES big time. There was a major split between my H and his Mom back when he was still a kid that was never resolved. I truely understand it, but I thought he would make some concesstion when she got back in touch with him after years, but it was all he could manage to be "polite". His sisters did a little bit better , but not by much. I know how badly they suffered from her neglect, but I thought that at least as her health failed and she had tried to mend fences, I could get him to sign a Mother's day card. He let me send one, but didn't want his name on it. Didn't go to her funeral.

I still wonder if it will ever backlash at him, but so far he seems to have no regrets. Very hard for me to understand. My own family is so different. Still he has been a good H to me for 27 years. And he has drawn close to his Dad who is still living and doing well at 80.

Some rifts can't be healed it seems. What ever happened between them, it may be impossible for you to mend. Honey, as much as his help would be good, and as much as a son he should do, there is nothing now you can do about that.

It would seem that out of five children, stepping up should not be left to just the two of you, but facing this as a fact, may be the easiest road to take. They are just not there for him, and that is that. They are grown. Hopefully they can live with this, but that is not your problem now.

Knowing what a fine caring person you are, I know it hurts that your Dad doesn't relate to you as well as he does your sister. But there is always one that holds the queen of hearts for some unknown reason.

For my Dad it was my oldest Bro, the damaged and needy one. (horrible way to describe him, but so true). He was grateful for the help my other Bro and I could provide, and counted on us to care for Mom, but his focus was on his first born. Right to the end. It was understandable to me, that the neediest child got the concern, and the strongest were supposed to see it through, but in many ways, it was true that he wanted the company most of the one least able. I do understand that.

At least your Dad has the good sense to trust an able person, even if he cannot understand that this places an awful burden on her, Who knows where their minds go. Alcoholism is very disorienting. You just have to let it slide off your back. easier said than done.

Do what you are able. Protect your Sis. Let all else go. Just let it GO.

Somethings can't be helped.