I feel like I can't breathe anymore,
What has been happening is a crime, a family crime. I never thought a son and DIL could be so f----ing stupid. But they are.
My brother & sil came from Mich. about 3 wks ago to "help". HAH My Mom was getting out of the hospital AGAIN....in this time for bleeding again/transfused w/ 3 units. It was decided that from now on we will monitor with frequent blood counts and transfuse as necessary. No invasive procedures anymore. Too many health problems and the AD is progressing quickly. So the day I bring her home they arrive. They keep her up and outside on the lanai....against my pleading that she needs to rest. The next day (yes the NEXT DAMN DAY) she wakes and can't breathe. She has pnuemonia. In comes the oxyegen and nebulizer treatments. She is so sick she isn't even asking to smoke. She is so ill I'm not sure she will make it. They do nothing ....pretend all is ok. Can't face the AD. Leave their dog w/ me to care for and head for the Keys for a week. Mom is in a tailspin from all the excitment and disruptiveness from them. Thankfully she is improving from the pnuemonia. Now she is obbsessing about wanting a cigarette. I have the patch on her. She has not smoked for almost a week....I am dealing w/ her CONSTANT never ending asking for one. They return from their trip to the Keys (long distance help ?) Bring me a t shirt and say thanks for taking care of the dog. They have no fu...ing clue what it has been like. My Mom has told the RN who comes once a week she wants them to leave. "Liz" the RN is a very nice compassionate physch nurse who gets on w/ Mom real well. Liz tells me to go w/ my hubby for the night to get away. I know I need this time and afterall, he IS the son. When I come back the next am her H20 is out, they have let her smoke. They can't stand her constant asking.
So now we are letting her have about 4 a day. I keep enforcing the fact that we can't leave them around, she WILL forget she has oxegyn in and light up...and blow up. Ok so it is evening, we KNOW how anxious some AD patients can become at this time of day. Mom and I are in her bedroom...she is in her pajamas and I am trying to keep things calm..she is repeating over & over about wanting a cigarette.....all of a sudden the SIL pounces in the room, holding 3 or so cigarettes in her hand...GETS RIGHT IN MY MOM'S FACE AND BREAKS THEM IN HALF AND SAYS TO MY MOM:"HERE'S YOUR GOD DAMN CIGARETTES" and stomps out of MY MOM"S BEDROOM IN MY MOM"S HOUSE.
There are other incidents, I could go on and on.....but here is one more......I got sick....pretty darn sick w/ the flu (which I have not had in 15 yrs). I had to stay at my home for 1 night for fear of infecting my poor mom who is still recovering from her pnuemonia.
With promises and reassurance from the brother and SIL that they will keep watch trough the night I reluctantly leave. I walk in the next am at about 7:30- 8 am . The SIL is on the couch sleeping across from my Mom's bedroom. Good I thought, she is keeping an eye out. WRONG WRONG WRONG
I WALK IN THE BEDROOM...THE FLOOR IS WET. I GO TO THE BEDSIDE...MY MOM IS SEMI AWAKE. SHE SEEMS QUITE DISORIENTED. MORE THAN AD/ I REALIZE THE WET ON THE FLOOR IS A TRaiL TO HER BATHROOM. SHE COULDN'T HOLD IT. OK. THAT HAPPENS. THEN I NOTICE THAT SHE HAS A HUGE BUMP AND BRUISE ON HER FOREHEAD. ALSO ON HER LEG AND ANKLE AND HAND. SHE HAD FALLEN.

NO ONE CHECKED ON HER FROM 11 PM (WHEN I LEFT) UNTIL WHEN I GOT THERE IN THE AM.
I called the nurse in horror ewhen I had a hard time rousing her, her pupils were not responding to light. The brother says to me "she will be okay, you have to go with the flow" OH MY GOD. long stupid story short...I take her to the hospital (he refused to help me take her) and after tests, and 9 hours later they tell me she has a concussion and want to keep her overnight for observation.
My Mom is beside herself, she HATES the hospital. I tell them I want to take her home, they agree as long as I follow up etc. We get home and the brother starts riding me on how I never should have taken her and on & on & on.
Through all of this, do they think Mom can't hear them? Do they EVEN SEE?????????
My insides are shaking at the way this is effecting her. I can't reason with them.
Oh yes, the SIL decides she will give my Mom her meds....and gives her meds she shouldn't w/out asking me......it was a med for dizziness, antivert. It caused her blood pressure to drop to 70/30. I asked...why didn't you ask me...the reply "it was in the box w/ everything else".
They are leaving today. Ihope they never come back.
If you are wondering why they stayed at my Moms....the SIL said she can't walk the stairs to my condo.
I have been puking all morning just thinking about the effect this is having on Mom. How in the world can they not see who this hurts the most? HOW?

Sandranne,

I can only repeat the advice of everyone else here. I have one brother—and his family—who have continually taken advantage of my mother—drained her life savings and still wanted more. When she was on her deathbed (the first time), I cut them out of our lives. I was fortunate enough to have others to help me with this.

It’s so hard to realize that we can’t count on family who should be there for our parents. It’s harder to realize that they are so selfish—that they don’t really care what happens to Mom. Please recognize that they will never change.

Please do whatever you need to do to block their access to your mother and to yourself. You don’t need the aggravation and you and your mother deserve better.Hang in there!

Sandra, I've been wondering a lot about you lately. In fact, I mentioned to another member that I hoped everything was ok with you. As I've read here nothing's changed, just more of the same aggravation for you. Nobody could say you haven't given them a chance to redeem themselves or prove you wrong with their intentions. You've been way too optimistic, hoping and wanting to believe that just maybe, they'd see the light, lend themselves to you and mom, DO SOMETHING but once a piece of work, always a piece of work. Since you're mother can't be left alone, won't you consider you, hubby and mom living all together? Wouldn't it be easier for you? It would also take care of these friggen free-loaders. As soon as you stop counting on them for anything, the better off you'll be. Once I told myself that I had noone to count on, I was much more in control, emotionally. Hiring an agency to come in for a couple of hours a day is who you need. If these people can only be part of the problem and not be any part of the solution, change the locks and never look back....never Sandra. They are truly disgusting and deserve each other and they don't deserve you.

I know if I came home to see what you did all those words you typed would have rolled off my lips.Pathetic

Sandranne, your experience with your sibling is devestating. They live so far awayand have been so removed from the daily problems, but they are FAMILY, and an offer of help should not have backfired so badly. It's beyond belief that they should take the care of your (and his) mother with such a cavelier attitude. I know you filled them in and common sense should have done the rest. But with people so out of touch with reality, maybe it's the best we can expect.
WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO EXPECT BETTER FROM ANY ADULT.
Such ignorance of elder care is hard to accept from anyone who has love in the heart for the elder. Unfortunately, ignorance, selfishness, and arrogance are often combined. The ignorance may be forgivable. But the selfishness and arrogance are a lot more difficult. Of the two, the arrogance, is the worst.
WE show up out of the blue and you just go along, it's not that bad , and we'll just straighten things out.
You SHOULD have been able to count on your bro. He let you and your Mom down. Now you know. Hopefully, he knows too. His efforts were disgraceful.

quote:

"Thank you for everything, Bosco"

Oh man... I love that. That's gotta be needlepointed into your heart, StephensSon! So many folks seldomly, if ever, hear words like that from the folks for whom they care, let alone from their extended family. It's truly sad... And all of the studying and doing and tending and stuff that turns us into experts on our loved one's care SHOULD earn some respect, at least from relatives... But it's the dangedst thing that people can have the example right in front of them, like with Sandranne's bros, but they just don't see...

Thank goodness for all that you do for your mom, Sandranne. I so admire how quickly that you, have learned how to juggle and balance really difficult, scary illnesses and conditions complicated by dementia in such a short period of time... If your brothers and SILs NEVER get it, dear, I think you are wonderful and a true hero for your mom.

It is un-friggin-believeable how self-centered people can be. And it shows up so clearly when contrasted against the good work you are doing Sandranne. Your selflessness is hard for them to understand, let alone try to imitate. Keep up the awesome work... it's for your mom, who will be grateful (I pray) for all you're doing for her. The pay off for me is when I get Dad in bed at night and he humbly says, "Thank you for everything, Bosco (it's a nickname from way back)." Salt of the earth, is what folks like you are S.

Sandranne, I am FUMING with you about what happened, BUT here's the score: you KNOW how these folks are! You KNOW they cannot be trusted. They should NOT be staying with you on a visit. You are ALLOWING a lot of this. Tell them whatever, but expect NOTHING from them! THey don't, won't and ain't gonna understand and step up! PERIOD! HIRE caregivers if necessary for overnights or when you need a break, but forget your family! They should not have been allowed to stay after going to the Keys and leaving their dog (which someone told them they could do!) You GOTTA tell these people NO, Sandranne, no matter how difficult it is for you to do so! LOOK at what happens when you do not... not only is your mom's health and care compromised, but YOU get run EXTRA ragged - big relaxation getaway when you return to nightmares! ANYONE who gave my mom a smoke when DIRECTED not to do so would have found their asp on the front lawn in a heartbeat, let alone breaking them in front of her and acting out... I'd have thrown that idiot out on the spot even if it had been below zero outside!
DO NOT PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT!!!
Sorry, but you are expecting them to come around in the brains department but the mountain ain't gonna come to Mohammed. Not with ANY of your brothers/SILs. It's time for you to get protective and selfish - both of your mother and of yourself. Circle the wagontrain around her and REFUSE to allow them to upset YOU or HER ever again!
I am so GLAD they are gone. I hope that this visit has GELLED the nightmare in your mind and now you and your mom and your dear hubby can all get back to your routine ebb and flow, as best as you can, and find some peace in that. Your mom's care has increased 20 fold since you first came here... you GOTTA push the outside agitators OUT of your existance and don't flinch until your caregiving duties are over. Your mom is too fragile and you are too frazzled to allow ANY disruption whatsoever. If people wanna visit, give them a one or two hour time slot, then when the time's up, escort them to the door and tell them you have to get busy, thanks for stopping by. Doesn't matter if they came from The Yukon Territories - hotels are there, they can do whatever they want in your beautiful city, but TWO hours a day visitation MAX and send 'em packing. If they have animals they need to board, direct them to the Yellow Pages of your phone book and recommend a good vet or kennel if you know of one. Stay ON TASK with your mom, her care and that of YOU and your hubby. Don't let the tail wag the dog ever again with your brothers! Da bastids!!!

Sandranne I wondered what happen to you.
your mom needs round the clock care this is a fact. Lock her house up take her to yours tell your brother and SIL their services are NO LONGER REQUIRED! How the hell can a woman no more than a dozen or so feet away not hear your mom wake get up slip and fall (obviously she must have screamed!) AND NOT WAKE UP?!
Drunk? On Drugs? What?! And to give her smokes while a patch is on??? WITH OXYGEN???
Sweetheart Kick em to the curb I dont know how many different ways to say this...If your not careful they are gonna be the death of her she doesnt need this! Listen to her concerns Baby Mom doesnt want them there shes made that clear to Liz her CG. What more do you need?
You certainly dont deserve this kind of stress with everything else you have to deal with...

Sandranne--Breathe. You will get through this. Family members who don't deal with primary care regularly don't have a clue. You are making sure your Mom's needs are being met. She is so lucky to have you there. But to make sure that keeps going PLEASE take care of yourself too. Listen to your Mom's nurse when she says she has things under control and walk out the door.
I'm having a problem with one of my sisters who is unwilling to accept how far our Mom has gone. She thinks I exaggerate Mom's confusion and that I talked her MD into putting her on Aricept. Never mind the broken arm and eight falls last year. The sister believes Mom when she says she just slid out of bed. Well unless her bed is being moved from room to room by the bed fairies, that's not true. Could I suggest that the next time they want to come to visit (and I'm sorry but they will) tell them your Mom's health care providers (meaning you) believe it is too disruptive to have so many people staying at Mom's home. If they don't want to walk the stairs to your place, then they better get a hotel. Big hugs to you.