It's been two years of caring for my mother. I wasn't the favorite. My sister was/is. And because she lives about 100 miles away, it's very convenient for her to not become involved. I'm so pissed. She doesn't even call me to ask how things are going. All she has said to me is "now you know what it's like to have a child". *sigh* I thought we had developed a close relationship over the years, but she has put an emotional distance between us now. It's sad. I can't do this anymore without support. My mother is not a pleasant person. She never was, even BEFORE her stroke and brain stem injury. Now it's even worse. I'm tired .. very very tired. I have no life. I'm so alone.

Ahh Post where ever your lil heart desires Baby its your thread! lol! I have to second that "eyesight" thing though...the ole MIL has no peripheral vision at all sight is supposedly dim but can see the dust herself! (thats just in her room ) I just keep sayin "well ya better git ta crackin on that water consumption cause all that dust...thats your skin flakes!"
And I second that ELRaymond! God! To have a mil like that! Go ahead clean and cook! But Frank....stay away from the painting of the house! Thats where I draw the line!

LOL you guys make me laugh .. and that's a GOOD thing !! I agree, I would be ecstatic to have someone come over and do the housework. I love doing yardwork, but housework is just yuck. Did any of you ever watch *Everybody Loves Raymond* ? When his mother would come over and bring food and clean the house, do the laundry, etc. and his wife would get sooo mad. I think I would give her a big hug and kiss. I'm not too proud to let someone think i am lacking in my household prowess, as long as they are willing to take the reigns and do it for me !!
As I was bringing my mother in to take her shower the other day, she took her toe and swiped it along the baseboard and said "oh my god !! look at that dust !!" I wanted to say, "my goodness, I thought you couldn't see because of your double vision, and I thought you had no coordination. Your little ballet move was quite impressive, and evidentally your eyesight is better than MINE !!"
By the way, should I be posting somewhere else ? Or is just posting in this thread ok. Just wondering if I am doing this right.

Jo!! Send your daughter over here!!!! LMAO! God what Ide give to have someone do that for me! Only could you tell her I need laundry done is all??? I keep washing and it keeps pilin up! Hell you cant get past the bathroom door right now without trippin over it! I think Im up to 20 loads in a week and a half now! Good God Almighty! ANd thats not even my clothes in there!!

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What is this "cleaning" y'all are talking about? In this house it's called "pile it some place company won't see it". And windows? Really? I figure if the rain knocks the dust off, we'll get enough daylight in the house.

My daughter (who was apparently switched at birth, or something) has the MS OCD thing. Seriously, she came to dinner last night, cleaned my microwave, stove, oven, swept and mopped my kitchen floor... she drives me nuts, but can ya understand why I keep telling her to c'mon back any old time?

I figure if the floors aren't cluttered, the dishes get washed, and we all have clean clothes that's about all the danged housework I have time for anymore. And anyone who doesn't like it can just grab a broom or some Spic n Span and have a go at it.

Becki, you are not alone. Caregiving brings out the worst in family members in so many instances. Hang in there, Sweetie.

Jo O

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Becki,

I really relate to your Mom and her "selective memorty". Seems my Mom did lots around house too only problem w/that is for as long as I remember she had a cleaning lady and ironing lady. In fact she had a cleaning lady until I moved back home 2002 then I took over.

What is up w/ the Martha references? My bro called me that today & I just about punched him LOL

OMG Becki Didya have to say her name?! LMAO! Good God Almighty that woman frustrates me to no end! The Bitch has OCD! Thats it! Who the hell does all those chores around all those mansions?! HER FREAKIN STAFF! THats who!
*ok Bunny we get it you hate her settle down!*
Ok let ole MS go but NEVER! spell that one out again! lmao!
Selective memory???Hey Gals whatcha all gotta say on that subject?! Wooo wee we all got it in spades! In this house I dont clean and mil was MS in the flesh....Uh I dont think so cause you could ask my hunny he'll tell you who the cleaner is in the house! Hell I dont let anyone walk in my house with shoes on if that tells you anything! And if I see it lord Im gonna bum rush em and take em off myself! Lots o mechanics in my neck of the woods lol! I hate grease!
Somebody better pass me a dozen roses here lol! I need to smell some now!

I love the idea of *Satisfaction* as our theme song lol.
I need to write in here more, but I have begun alienating myself from everything lately. Keep in mind that it has been two years since the ordeal with mother. I had a much easier time with my dad, even though he was much worse. He managed to do more for himself and didn't insist on going to ten thousand doctors.
Does this happen to anyone else ? My mother has *selective memory*. She seems to think that she was the perfect housekeeper and took care of my father. I started cooking and cleaning when I was around 14 because she was/is a packrat and a slob, and she didn't take care of my dad. I did. The other day as I was driving her to the hairdresser, she said the windows needed to be cleaned in the house and I said that I had just done them last year (or more like a year and a half ago , but there are millions so ..wtf). Anyway, she said, "well they have to be done at least once a year. I ALWAYS did them once a year, on my vacation. WHAT ?? OMG. The last time I remember her washing any windows, my sister and I were little and we all washed the living and dining room windows and then walked outside and back inside and marvelled at the site.
I know I am rambling but .. arggggh. Since when did she become Martha Stewart ??

Drag your feet. Try to smell at least ONE rose along the way...

...Or some days it feels even better to be able to shake your fist at at least one crappy driver...

HEY - mebbe we should adopt "Satisfaction" as the eldercaregiver's theme song...

quote:

Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:
Hey - it's time outta cell, right?

How I can relate to this. Look forward to Thursday cause I get a whole 40 mins to run errands. Amazing what one can accomplish in that time. *whew* I'm exhausted thinkin about it.


Hi Becki & welcome to ECO!

Hey - it's time outta cell, right?

Oh - I forgot. I was holdinb' out on y'all - I went to the Feed & Seed, too! WoWSERS!!!

The day I actually ENJOYED going to the pharmacy to pick up meds and Poise EXTRA PLUS, waa the day I knew I had lost my former life. You guys make everything seem .. okay

You and I are on the same schedule today MB. A trip to the dentist to finish up my root canal too. And nobody here made that mess either.... Only difference here, I did the cooking. Tomorrow I'm cookin right on over to the speed dial to China Garden Restaurant. My Friday night out! This gal knows how to party!

quote:

I even love the thought of going to the dentist to get root canals! Now, that's living, no?

Dadgumm straight! I had me one this mornin' - was the best part of my day! Beat the heck outta the abcess I was havin'...
It's the small comforts of life that count - like havin' freakin' teeth that are not a misery!!

Then hadda come home and clean up one of those bad messes nobody made...

Then had the vampire nursie fly in and out with urine and blood...

Currently, we are discussing which of our area's culinary proprietors is gonna cook dinner for us tonight 'cause I sure as heck ain't gonna do it!

The root canal most definitely was the highlight!!

quote:

Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:
YOUR well-being matters, too! If YOU are not well-cared for, you cannot give good care indefinitely.

The trick to caregiving is figuring how to LIVE in the meantime... We're all seeking that balance and separation between the caregiving and our private lives.

Live in the meantime......how nice it would be MB. But you did say it's a trick...I need to find a bunny rabbit and top hat quick! I love going grocery shopping and buying prune juice, grapes and apples along with fleet enemas....just love it! And then going to WalMart to get Pampers for the folks. I even love the thought of going to the dentist to get root canals! Now, that's living, no? Any excuse to get out of the house works for me! Remember the RoadRunner cartoon?....ran so fast, all he left behind was dust....that's me! I think I feel a train wreck headed my way. Not really MB ...I'm just blowin' off a little steam. I just had to do some unmentionables for a change and your words were calling out to me, that's all!

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Becki, as you have gathered, your feelings and situation are not totally unique. Your sister is far enough away to be truly unable to help on a day-to-day basis, but she CAN come "spell" you so that you can take a vacation and recharge your batteries. You are a grown woman - not someone's "little sister" any more. Dealing with sibs can be very difficult because we fall into these lifelong patterns of dysfunctional communication and relating to one another.

While your sis may not be someone you can "vent" to (that's where WE come in ), you also do not have to "take" ill-advised remarks like "now you know what it's like to have a child." Your mom is NOT a child - she is a poorly functioning adult with TWO children between whom responsibility for her care can be shared. When you and sis discuss other family stuff, you can be the sisters you have always been, if you so choose; but in matters pertaining to your mom's care, you are two adult women who share a familial responsibility. It falls more to you because you are there; if you were not, someone else would have to step up. Your mom is fortunate to have a child such as you with a keen sense of personal loyalty and responsibility. Your sister's problems are hers - you have plenty to deal with your own self.

Sometimes sibs create friction between each other by playing old "blame games," manipulations, domination schemes, etc. and refusing to understand the others' point of view. Perhaps you could talk with her dispassionately - as if y'all are just two women discussing a neutral, mutual problem. She can't always be there because she doesn't live very close - can't kill her for that, right? BUT she CAN help you out for a weekend here and there to give you the time away that you need for your own renewal. No reason to bring any previous caregiving or child-rearing or fights over the dinner table that occured 20 years ago (or more) into it... She MIGHT respond differently if you approach her differently. She might still behave like an pill, who knows? But it's worth a try.

Barring help from her, you may qualify for respite care for your mom - please check into it. Although it would be hard on your mom for her to have to be checked in to a facility for a weekend or a week, YOUR well-being matters, too! If YOU are not well-cared for, you cannot give good care indefinitely.

Is there a Mr. Becki or any other family around you from whom you could get occasional support and assistance? Do you work outside the home also?

Hang in there, dear! You are a very special person to have "stepped up" at such an early age. The trick to caregiving is figuring how to LIVE in the meantime... We're all seeking that balance and separation between the caregiving and our private lives.

I hope you find some time for YOU this evening or tomorrow - a nice, long bath; a long walk by yourself; a phone call to an old friend - something to treat yourself a little special - you deserve it!!

Just taking a moment to tell you that you aren't alone anymore Becki, in case you haven't noticed

You will work it all out and these great people will help and be right by your side. Bless you.

Maggie

All of you are so wonderful. I appreciate everything you are saying to me and it's quite thought provoking. I can't write much at the moment, but I intend to keep writing, as well as reading more in here.
One person, excuse me for forgetting the name, wrote about her mother always acting ill, and the scene she portrayed in the grocery store really hit home and actually made me laugh. It's not funny, but I guess sometimes you have to find the humor in the situation. I will be writing more soon, but I just wanted to check in and say Thank You Thank You Thank You !! For making me feel that there truly ARE people out there that understand and are compassionate. It means so much to me.
~Becki~

You see Becki...you are not alone and Sandra brings up some good points dont let it rule you as a person. My bet is like Sandra pointed out she feels like a failure at times and lashes out at you because she doesnt have it in her to do what you are doing, also Im sure she is aware of your moms relationship with you and just cant figure out how or why you keep puttin along with this caregiving job...In a nutshell..your the bigger person...She may be older than you but look whos acting more like a grown up here..... Your a pretty awesome person Becki...its pretty nice to be bumpin shoulders with people like you everyday here so dont be shy jump in, your among friends here!

Dear Becki: I need to be brief here (in a little bit of a hurry at this time) but needed to respond to you. I very much know how you're feeling. First, my father had a severe stroke, doesn't and never has complained much. My mother has always suffered from depression, was very big on making an elephant out of a peanut....always complaining. She's blind now, suffers from depression and is just failing and fading away. I take care of both my folks. I have a brother who lives a fabulous life and has not pitched in, contributed at all, couldn't give a rats ass about anything except his own life. So...........here I am and let me tell you, I'm not a happy camper about the situation but right now, I don't have any choices to change things....right now. The bad feelings and resentment towards your sister is going to kill you if you don't find a way to let it out, let her have it and then move on. I know, easy to say, hard to do. Your sister has let you down.....you need to come right out with it and tell her. Then I would advise putting some distance (emotionally) between you and her until you can sort it out and decide if that's the best strategy to use for your own sanity. Your resentment is valid but you're more important in this scenario than buying into any belief that your sister has gotten away with everything while you're left without any entitlements. Your feelings toward your sister which, have become incredibly powerful will get the best of you if you continue to give her that power. Been there, done that, still go back there a lot but I don't get as caught up and stuck in those bad feelings. Your sister doesn't call, probably because she doesn't want to hear what a failure she's been. Rather than contribute to the situation, she'd rather be considered a disappointment to you.....she just doesn't care. She doesn't deserve to be graced by your presence.

I do hope that you've got durable POA for your mother.

Well, a lot said for being brief. Keep posting. Keep reading others's posts and the different topics. YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!!!!