My MIL will be 84 in January and has Parkinsons and dementia. The good news is that my DH (her son) is a neurologist who specializes in dementia. The bad new is that my DH (her son) is a neurologist who specalizes in dementia. And her other son is also a neurologist. I suspect that all adult children are in denial to some degree but apparently being "experts" about such things I've started calling them Cleo #1 and Cleo #2 (as in Cleopatra--Queen of Denial).

This past Thanksgiving everybody came to our place for dinner. My MIL has good days and bad days so when she had do be prompted multiple times as to what was on her plate ("It's a turkey thigh--just like you asked for.") we figured this was a bad day. But when she insisted the abstract print on the wall was a face ("Who is it?!) my SIL and I were more concerned. My DH and BIL then debated as to whether she was having hallucinations or illusions. To which I say "WHATEVER!!!" She's not okay!

She lives by herself with her enormous dog whose apparently gaining all the weight she's losing (~ 2 lb./wk.). But although she can vaguely comprehend that things are not okay she won't permit folks to come in and care for her. When the subject of a DPA are raised she either freaks out, "You're trying to take my money!" or avoids the subject. "I'll think about it."

My BIL and SIL live about 300 mi. away. My MIL is across town. We've 2 young children (aged 2 and 5) and my DH is now away in China. Yesterday morning I called to check on my MIL and she said "Something's wrong." But couldn't tell me what. I can't take my kids into her house (they'd be injured as her house is a complete wreck) and don't want to leave them in the car. I managed to find neighbors who could care for them while I raced across town...only to get a call from her sainted neighbor who'd gotten into the house and given her 8 am dose of cinamet (which she'd missed).

Last night when I phoned her phone was presumably off the hook. In lieu of abandoning my children I crossed my fingers and hoped she was okay until the morning when I could drop my kids at day care and get to her house. I showed up at her house and she had, indeed, left the phone off the hook. But, she insisted, it was okay because she'd "Written a note..." to my SIL explaining she'd tried to call but that her phone wouldn't work.

I appologize for rambling. But the situation is just crazy. My MIL cannot live safely under her current circumstances and won't permit caretakers (outside the family) into her home. She hasn't signed a DPA and given the nature of her dementia I suspect might pass a competncy hearing (not to mention that we dont' want it to come to that). SHe can tell you how many nickles are in $1.35--but not know to eat the food in front of her!

I appologize again for rambling. What's a person to do? How do you convince a elder to sign a DPA? How do you convince a spouse to just go ahead and get them determined incompetent so you can assure the care they need?

Thanks so much for reading. Your responses/advice will be much appreciated.

Happy holidays!

quote:

Originally posted by acadiaphile:

"She's in New York. How was that supposed to help."

"Uh. Yeah. I guess that wouldn't work."

*sigh* I suppose it's some consolation that in restrospect she realized that perhaps writing a note wasn't a great solution.

Baby dont sigh...Laugh. They have moments of clarity all the time. Hunny and BIL are seeing this. We all jump on the wagon and give the cut and dry replies but the simple fact here is that as long as she still has these moments of clarity she is capable of the "coverups" this is what she is letting everyone else see.
My MIL for instance is now being more truthful with me about these black out moments of hers but the minute my hunny (her son) walks into the room its all sunshine and roses, nothing is wrong her. See what I am saying? Coverup mode.
Hunny is more open now to her Dem/Alz as I placed a eye cam in her bedroom to keep an eye on her, now that he watches her on the weekends he "sees" behaviors that are related to the illness and is no longer in denial.

OMG I am lauging out loud a the idea of duct taping my DH and BIL into chairs at my MILs home! I can just picture my MIL's 140 lb. dog poking them with his huge muzzle and jumping up on them.

Thanks for the laugh.

Yesterday I went over to her place after nobody could reach her on the phone (she'd left the phone off the hook). When confronted with the problem that the phone was off the hook she said it was okay because "I wrote a note".

"Huh? Who'd you write a note to?"

"I couldn't get through to [SIL] on the phone last night so I wrote her a note."

"She's in New York. How was that supposed to help."

"Uh. Yeah. I guess that wouldn't work."

*sigh* I suppose it's some consolation that in restrospect she realized that perhaps writing a note wasn't a great solution.

quote:

Originally posted by Moms_Buddy:

Will they wake up when she thinks yo're trying to steal her paaaaaannnnnties as well? (I know at least one of our fellow members will relate to that cry)...

MB! *snort snort* Im dyin here! STOP! Depends run here!

I have been cleaning out some of my parents things and I have about 50 part rolls of duct tape if you need it. The only thing is you better be careful when you use it if you are calling APS. Spousal abuse?

quote:

My SIL offers a litany of examples of things he could do. Then he says he doesn't understand why it's such a big deal for me to have to spend an hour getting to and from my MIL's home to check on her.

Did I mention I have an actual job in addition to caring for 2 young children?!

Good for her! I think, between the both of you women, you will succeed in getting these academicians to see what a PERFECT research project this will be for them! To be fair, I don't fault ANYONE who doesn't want to see their loved one as someone suffering from dementia! It really hurts! It's one thing to talk about the subject, and cases and patients, but quite another to have to confront its ugly reality in someone we hold dear. I don't blame 'em for wanting to do the ostrich! You and your SIL sound like pretty sharp cookies and I think you WILL find a way to get both brothers to realize that there is a crisis that only they can resolve!

quote:

"You're trying to take my money!"

Will they wake up when she thinks yo're trying to steal her paaaaaannnnnties as well? (I know at least one of our fellow members will relate to that cry)...

And I stand corrected about the 2x4... don't wanna cut off ones nose to spite one's face, do we? How's about y'all just settle for DUCT TAPING them to chairs in their mother's house until they see the light?
Best of luck to you - many blessings for trying to advocate for her care... you are an extraordinary daughter-in-law!

quote:

Originally posted by acadiaphile:

Perhaps what size lumber with which to WHACK my DH and BIL upside the skull...aw, nah...that'd only create head trauma and then my SIL and I would have to care for them, too...LOL!!!

Pffft! lol! Nice to see you have what it takes here sweetie...A sense of humor! Very much in short supply but needed like crazy when we deal with what we deal with on a daily basis...
So on to the next baby...You dont have to hunt down the person you spoke to from APS just give the office a little jingle and speak to the Supervisor on this matter

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I should point out (for whatever it's worth) that the neurologists in question are academic physicians (my DH is half research half clinical; my BIL nearly all in the lab). I say this because academics aren't what most folks think of when thinking "physician".

Also, for what it's worth, nearly 2 yrs. ago she had a stint during which she ended up leaving her house convinced it was on fire (another "illusion"). The next day we found her in bed, unresponsive and urine soaked (she'd missed her meds and gotten totally frozen from PD). She ended up in the hospital for 3 days and shortly thereafter we received a call from APS. Apparently the EMS crew had called in a report of elder abuse/neglect. I was DELIGHTED! The social worker who evaluated her case was wonderful. Basically, he explained that although she certainly met the critera for neglect given her mental status (which was better 2 yrs. ago) it was "self neglect". As such, there was nothing--short of her getting a Durable Power of Attorney (DPA) that we could do.

My SIL and I talked today and she's furious at my BIL. He keeps saying, "I'm not there. There's nothing I can do." My SIL offers a litany of examples of things he could do. Then he says he doesn't understand why it's such a big deal for me to have to spend an hour getting to and from my MIL's home to check on her.

Did I mention I have an actual job in addition to caring for 2 young children?!

I'm trying to track down the APS social worker who saw my MIL 2 yrs. ago and hope that he may have some useful suggestions as to what to do.

Perhaps what size lumber with which to WHACK my DH and BIL upside the skull...aw, nah...that'd only create head trauma and then my SIL and I would have to care for them, too...LOL!!!

Welcome, acadiaphile! Please forgive me, but I think I would have to apply a 2x4 right upside those "learned" heads!! Hallucinations, delusions... Yeah, it's easy to see who is delusional around there...

At the risk of sounding like the bad guy here, I would call DH in freakin' CHINA or wherever he is (having left YOU saddled with this problem along with the other responsibilities of your combined lives) and give that ol' boy a REALITY CHECK! Ask him HOW embarrassing he wants this situation to become because you are NOT going to continue enabling him and his brother to check out of THEIR responsibilities. Makes me think of that commercial on TV where the people are all eating at a restaurant, someone starts to choke and they all sit and discuss the various impacts and possible solutions until, at the last moment, one of the diners actually gets his butt up and heimlichs the poor sap.

Tell your husband he's been PRACTICING his specialty long enough - time to come down from the ivory tower and APPLY what he has learned, hands on. If he and his brother do not act, call APS - it'll be kinder than what would happen to them if the press ever got hold of this situation!! So long as YOU are doing the worrying and acting in this situation, they will allow you to do so. Lay down the LAW to these guys!! You have your plate full with a husband who is a busy man, out of town, and 2 small kids. You cannot add caring for your MIL to the list. THEY are going to have to get in on this or it will drive you batty. Time for them to come on down and deal with reality. Don't pull any punches with these guys - they have obviously already gotten away with using their professions to shield them from reality long enough!! If they do not have the time nor intestinal fortitude to see to the care of their OWN MOTHER, neither of them is fit to practice medicine, no matter how many patients they have nor how much money they make nor how many accolades they receive in their professional community - they will have FAILED as sons, men, and most especially as physicians.

Best of luck to you and BLESS you for taking a stand for your MIL - my dad was a doctor and truly believed he RULED. By virtue of their profession, docs often become the absolute WORST about compartmentalizing their lives, loved ones, etc. to preserve their sanity from the realities they deal with daily. This situation will take TIME and INVOLVEMENT from them - they need to understand that they have only just completed the coursework for neurology - this is the final exam they will need to pass to be able to keep their self-respect as physicians. THey may believe that they are too busy to deal with this, but THIS is their most challenging case and the one that will test their mettle. I hope you can help them step up to the plate.

A twist of fate. I'll bet that your MIL was always inwardly comforted knowing that if something happened to her, she had two sons who are doctors to care for her...

In regards to the DPA, This might be a time when the (deep breath!) HIPAA law could be a great advantage. You could approach it from the angle that you would be able to "Help" her with the billing questions since the expert sons have more knowledge of these things than she would have. You dont need to mention that it would also be giving you the athority to make a medical decision if need be.

You know sweetie theres really nothing right now you can do...I feel bad for you that your DH doesnt want to acknowledge this (been there done that) and Im sorry Im kinda chuckling on the lil tiff these two were having between a hallucination verses an illusion! Im right there with you ! What the hecks the difference at this point?! Shes ill thats all that matters here...
Might I make a suggestion though cause its the only one that might garner you some luck in this journey...wait till a time she calls you clearly aggitated and call the cops. Hopefully it will get them to see she needs help and call the proper people in to deal with this. Maybe then the 2 Neuros in this family will recognize what they are refusing to see finally.