I haven't rejected you. Things can be really rough, when you're 17, but you hang in there! Don't give up! You are probably right on the brink of some wonderful days! You do have value and potential and will accomplish important things. Even if it seems like people don't care, God cares! Ask Him to send people into your life that know how to show you they care for you, okay. Please? I've been told that depression is anger turned inward. Maybe you have some anger you're harboring deep inside. Work it out. You can do it! You need to remind yourself of the good things about you. Maybe you'll have to start with small things (like your great smile or super hair or the fact that you brushed your teeth today) or maybe you can go straight to the bigger things (like having a heart that cares if others hurt or something). Be strong! Think positive thoughts! You are loved!

I'm not angry. I'm depressed. I'm 17 and I want to die. NOW! I hate everything about myself. I feel like nobody cares about me. Nobody will EVER love me. I'm completely worthless. I'll never accomplish anything. I'm pathetic. Somehow I've managed to fuck up everything I've ever tried for. Nothing's ever going to get better. It never does. I'm rejected by the whole world. All I can think about is death.

I could fucking scream. I spent a hot & humid Friday afternoon getting prescription, then medicines,steristrips, melolin, micropore. Get home burning hot and barely able to breathe. Find he's dressed a deep cut with cotton wool! What was the pillock fucking thinking of??? Removed cotton wool, re cleansed it, stuck the cut shut, applied melolin & micropore and said it'd need leaving on for a week. This evening (after the chemists are shut) he's only bloody gone and taken off the dressing and insisted on another one being applied because the dressing had gone gungey (it's supposed to go gungey). No more melolin, so I had to use a plaster. asked him why he'd gone and taken it off when I'd told him clearly that it had to stay on for a week. He said I didn't tell him. Yeah right!!!!! Next time he can bloody well schlep out and get his own dressings or do without. If he can't get to the chemist, well tough, he can bloody well bleed to death or let the wound go septic for all I'll do anything next time. *fume* Brain fog!

Noone knows how awful it is to hate the person you once loved unless they have done it. All that guilt after trying so hard to do the right thing wears you down into the ground. The daycare place sent her home dirty twice this week; we are talking dried poop. Yet they changed her diaper. Would it have been so very hard to clean her too?? After it dries, I have to scrub to get her clean. Noone else gives a dam about her. Why is she still alive? And those people that keeping asking 'how is she?' then don't want to listen when I tell them; what is that about? I have reached the point of not caring what others think of me anymore; I do what I can. I am empty emotionally with nothing left for my family or friends. I am angry at this disease, at her doctor who wouldn't even examine her on the visit, and the world in general.

I went to visit her today at the nursing home and she has a black eye. I asked the nurses what happened no one seemed to know anything. Ugh. One had the nerve to say "Oh she does? I didn't see anything.." It's swollen and purple and her eye is watering....how in the HELL do you "not notice" THAT??!!! It was a terrible time to visit her. She was screaming and crying and striking out. I tried to console her...but you can't. I left in tears. My youngest daughter (3) which she adores, is afraid to see her anymore. She wants her loving, caring grandma to hold her in her lap....not this scary, abusive shell of what she used to be.

ALL THIS DAMN SHIT HEADS!!!!!!!!!!

Rosalee, there is a very helpful Lewy Body Dementia support group online. If you would like to subscribe, send an e-mail to LBDcaregivers-subscribe@yahoogroups.com I don't think anyone would have minded that you posted to the anger wall. Bless you!

...

My Aunt, whom I love dearly has demenia and along with this a condition called panic disorder/dependancy. I am her sole living relative, power of attorney/executor. Up until two years ago she resided with us but now is in a retirement home/nursing home. Throughout all of this I have tried to maintain a strong objective with my stress, however it is starting to wear me down. I also work as does my husband and we are out of town alot(Trucker and school bus driver-charter division)thus I/we cannot be around all the time. My aunt phones me, I don't know how many times a day leaving messages and when I phone her back all I hear are complaints. I have had meetings with her doctors about this and they tell me to try and ignore it, but how can you? Because of my job I have had to cut down my visits to go and see her and when I do return and go visit it is not pleasant..I feel like I am caught in the middle! I have had to deel with alot over the past 6 years, the loss of both my parents(am an only child)within 19 months of each other and now trying to deal with my aunt. She sometimes makes me feel guilty when I don't go visit or when I have things to do she phones and tries some way to get me to go out there. Her physical health is excellent according to her doctors but she makes up all these stories about different aliments and I am getting to the point where I do not know what to do. Well, I am getting to the point where I can no longer handle this anyone got any advice email me at ryderdelight@hotmail.com I sure would love to discuss this with others in the same situation.

I am Rosalee.......my mother took a bad fall in 1999 and was diagnosed two months later in July with Lewy Body Dementia......the second most common form of Dementia after Alz.....perhaps I should not be here....there is nowhere I belong because the diagnosis is so new (1997). No support for real or online.......I live with grief daily and it has been two years since her diagnosis......I see her deterioration and I am saddened almost beyond belief...I need one day to recup every time I visit her at her foster home.....I can no longer take care of her here in HER home.....I read today on a website called LewyInfo about the progression of the illness and it broke my heart even further......I am sorry if any of you out there are incensed by my leaving a msg about my mother on the The Anger Wall......I needed to express my grief and the pain I feel daily about my mother's illness.....

Well, She's off of most resperdal and all restoril. Still sleeps all day and is kind of restless at night. Seems like the Parkinson-like symptoms have lessened a lot. The drooling has stopped. There are even a few flashes of some recognition every couple of days. Other than that it's just a waiting game of sitting and reading while she sleeps. Getting her up at regular intervals for the bathroom bit, and then the battle to make her open her mouth to feed her. I guess patience is the key. I'd like to know just how this fits into God's plan? Three days of the week and every weekend are spent just watching and going through the routine. I know from this list that others have it a lot worse. I guess I don't feel sorry for me, but for her. A sweet, nice soul that never hurt anyone doesn't deserve to end her life like this.

my husband leaves me all the time and i love him so much that it hurts me so bad hen he goes. i hate my husband for hurting me so bad . sometines i wish i could go to sleep and never wake up, if i did i wouldn't hurt so bad. when he is home he talks so bad to me and he never wants to spend time with me i have lost my home because of him and my car i don't have a way to go i live at my parents house right now, i hate him for making my life hell. but when he is not around there is this empty space inside of me i feel so lonely and scared. i feel like i want to die so this awfull feeling will go away and never come back .i wish i was strong and could be able to tell him to get out of my life and never come back. but i am weak and every time he comes back i take him in. i wish i could make myself believe that i really hate him but i can't

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE....MY MOTHER IN LAW HAS ALZEHEIMERS AND SHES MAKING ME FREAKIN CRAZY....SHE EATS FROM THE TRASH...HAS EATEN CAT POOP THEN I HAD TO GET RID OF THE CAT...SHE EATS HER OWN POOP..SHE SMELLS AND REFUSES TO BATHE OR WASH HER HAIR....WEARS LAYERS OF CLOTHING EVEN IN HOT HUMID WEATHER SHE NEVER WANTS TO LEAVE HER ROOM AND IT SMELLS...SHE POOPS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND IM THE ONE WHO HAS TO CLEAN IT...MY HUSBAND HER SON WONT DO IT AND REFUSES TO PLACE HER IN A HOME...IM TIRED OF IT....WILL IT EVER GET ANY BETTER OR ARE MY DAYS OF SANITY COMING TO AN END AS WELL

Its not going away no matter what I write.Hes going through childhood in reverse and that is not escapeable.The health care industry wants to screw you and the demented one period.Even the so-called"alzhiemer support" groups have lawyers, planners etc who want bucks just to look at youe face. I am nearly 60 with a masters degree and I come home to diapers every night.He is twice my size.He has been demented for years before diagnosis and this fact destoryed marriage and finances.There is no hope...only courage remains

I wish that god would just take her, give her peace. Then I feel guilty. It's just so awful watching, and her looking at me like I am now a complete stranger. The worst is when a mother has no idea that is her daughter stroking her face and holding back tears.

My Mother has early stage Alzheimer's. I love her but she has become increasingly critical of anything I do. I don't clean the soap suds out of the sink right, I don't throw out the garbage right, I don't rinse out empty coke cans out right,she constanly talks every single day about how much her back, legs, head, etc. hurt. I come home from work and want to sit down and relax a little and she starts shoving her mail at me-read this; I say I would like to finsih eating first, she gets mad. I explain her mail to her, her bank accounts to her, how to adjust the thermostaat to her, she can't remember where she put anything. The day after I explain anything to her she asks the same questions again, and does not remember my previous explainations. I took a demotion at work to have more time to care for her. What did my brother give up in his life? Nothing. He lives an hour away. Pretty much all the everyday things are all on my back. I'm depressed constantly.Mom has been getting bad for a few years. Last year, in July 2000, my Dad who had had cancer for four years, shot himself. That same year Mom had a breast removed and my brother had prostate cancer surgery. I have now "nursed" everyone inn my immediate family. If I ever get real sick , who'll care for me? My Mom can't, and my brother and his family highly likely would not? I have a picture of a sinking ship at work with the caption "it could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others". That pretty well sums it up. Thanks, folks, to listening to me feeling sorry for myself, I just have days I feel I could scream. I lose my temper with Mom, yell at her, make her cry and I feel like a jerk.

ENDURE

Dear sustrong- Don't be so hard on yourself. You are probably doing better than you give yourself credit for. This is an extremely difficult task we are doing, keep your chin up. Your friends may appear to be holding up better than you, but I am sure they are not perfect. No one is a saint, you are doing the best you can, and it is probably better than alot of people. Bless you and be strong- you are in my thoughts.

I have four sole-caregiver friends who are taking care of an AD parent. (Beautifully, I might add.) Their parent is far worse off than my mother is. All I ever hear from them is yet one more story of dealing sensitively/compassionately/heroically with yet one more setback. These are all very nice people. But every time I hear these stories, I'm already thinking "I couldn't deal with that. I think I would just run away." (Or, stay and think even worse thoughts.) I HATE the fact that they are apparently saints. I'm not. Not even close. No contest. So, here I am, alone with hatred I cannot direct to my mother (the victim), my friends (heroic caregivers), God (I think I would have to have a closer relationship with Him to start blaming him), so that leaves... ME, left to hate ME- which I do know is, shall we say- unproductive, so I don't- but I sure DO FEEL everything they have on those lists of How to Know When You Are a Stressed Out Caregiver! As circumstances (or luck/whatever) would have it, just last month, she ended up in the hospital for an asthma attack, while I ended up in the hospital at the same time with a manic depressive episode. I really did need the time off, so I'll take it, although next time a vacation might be a better option. It gave my mother such a setback, it was quadruple worse when I got out of the hospital. (We're almost stabilized again now.) But it's never gonna happen again, because "manic" means I have this wonderful feeling that everything is just going GREAT. Now I know, I'm never gonna feel that way again! (sustrong@quixnet.net • 6/26/01)

He is doing pretty good but I notice he is a lot weaker than he used to be. His memory seems to be about the same tho so I do thank God for that.He does not eat like he should and has lost a lot of muscle this last 5 or 6 months. He has an accident in his pants once in a while but nothing we can't live with. I am so happy that things are kinda staying the same ....he was sleeping the other night and he held his breath so long I thought he had quit breathing and I poked him and told him to change his position. I think he may be getting sleep aphnea? It really scared me......L

She tried to wash her depends. They disintegrated in the sink and stopped it up. I have pulled mountains of that material back out of the sink.

My parents are dead and gone 20 years now. My sister and I have never been close (her choice). We have one aunt out here I grew up around. She babysat me once, and only once. When my sister got older, they became friends. Now my aunt has dementia. My sister and her husband have their own life. They have a son. When my sister was pregnant, I loaded the van up with our crib and all the other stuff just to give to them. Then my brother in law, who has never done a thing for me, I mean nothing, asks for me to share the cost of dealing with my aunt. No big deal, he says, just $300.00 a month. I guess he thinks that since I'm raising 3 children that I have hundreds to throw around every month. And get this - he goes behind my sister's back to ask me for this, and makes me promise not to tell her. I said no. Funny, I don't hear from him anymore. My sister is weird - she never wanted to be a caregiver. I almost died in a motorcycle accident 15 years ago. She never took care of me. She resented the burdon of even having me around.

About two hours ago I had it confirmed that my Dad has Alziemers disease. He's 61 years old! I feel devastated and can hardly see what I'm writing through my tears. It's not supposed to be like this. I was 38 yesterday and today I feel like a child. This sounds selfish, I know, but I feel like all my life I've been waiting to get close to him and now it's all been snatched away. (No guilt, right?) I think I'm probably writing on the wrong wall. I don't feel angry - not yet at any rate. I'm grieving I think and am I'm not ready for the 'long-goodbye'. God help me. OK here comes the angry bit. What's the bloody point? Is he running away from us all. Is he quitting us? How can he leave us like this to pick up the pieces. And why is my husband in a bloody meeting right now because I need a cuddle really badly!?

About two hours ago I had it confirmed that my Dad has Alziemers disease. He's 61 years old! I feel devastated and can hardly see what I'm writing through my tears. It's not supposed to be like this. I was 38 yesterday and today I feel like a child. This sounds selfish, I know, but I feel like all my life I've been waiting to get close to him and now it's all been snatched away. (No guilt, right?) I think I'm probably writing on the wrong wall. I don't feel angry - not yet at any rate. I'm grieving I think and am I'm not ready for the 'long-goodbye'. God help me. OK here comes the angry bit. What's the bloody point? Is he running away from us all. Is he quitting us? How can he leave us like this to pick up the pieces. And why is my husband in a bloody meeting right now because I need a cuddle really badly!?

My Mom has been on Aricept for about 10 months, and things have improved. I can't believe the change in her. I still check on her daily, but she is much better. She is eating, smiling, she actually phones me, and I see glimpses of my wonderful Mom again. I know this is temporary, but if it will slow this horrible disease and keep my Mom with us longer, I will be happy. I have visited this wall when things were tough, I am glad to write about something happy for a change.

I have been reviewing some of the feelings put on this site. I think it is wonderful that people this site for this reason. It gives you an opportunity to abuse your computer keyboard and not your loved-one. I work in a hospital and occasionally take care of people with different kinds of Dementia, including Alzheimer's. What a frightening, horrifying disease!! It takes alot of time and energy out of people's lives. When I have a patient with Dementia, I fear for their safety in the hospital. I see the relief of the family when they can leave their loved one with someone else for one (or more) nights and the guilt mixed in about the same thought--leaving your loved-one with someone else, wondering what we think of you. I admire caregivers, and I have a fear of becoming one myself. My mother is 64 (the older I get, the younger that age is). The potential is there for her to develop this terrible disease. Please know that you are not alone--you don't just have a "wall" to yell at, you have each other. This is becoming one of the most common diseases in the world today. Please don't think for one minute that you are alone or that no one cares. There are alot of people who do. Accept their help. Use the resources. Don't do this by yourselves. God Bless. Take care of yourselves.

I am so sad, I don't know what to do with myself.

My mom came to live with us in February and it's now June. Four months have passed and it feels like four years. I had to quit my job because it was getting to be too much for me. The both of us are home all day and I'm finding myself avoiding her as much as I can. She's annoying the hell out of me and I just have to leave the room and be away from her. I want my life back again!!!I'm taking sleeping pills at night just the end the day and in the morning I stay in bed and don't want to start the day because I know what has to be done with my mom. I'm really trying to stay calm, keep myself very busy but I'm getting exhausted. My only enjoyment is to go food shopping and I don't want to come home. I know things will only get worse down the road and I don't know if I can handle it alone. She's such a sweet old lady who has never had a bad thing to say about anyone all her life. I wish I can say that about myself. Thanks for letting me vent.

I am so tired of cleaning up. She never has any idea how all the mess got there, but I'm the one cleaning up. The worst is that she has forgotten how to flush the toilet. That's a real thrill added to my life.

RE : last missive ... P.S. : My husband is not her ONLY ...The brother couldn't give a flying rat's sphyncta as long as his " inheritence " is due him . NICE GUY !

I know her 27 years. She has always been very impressed with herself . Lacking simple humanities & humility ... absent of dignity & grace( to the point of vulgar ) ... the rest of the population was in existence merely to service her wants and needs. NICE LADY ! The octogenarian child(84 ) now has AD . Any change ? She is slowly sucking the life's blood out of her son ... my husband(65) ... and I(44) can't do a blessed or fucking thing to help ! ANGER ? No thank you ... I'm too numb. Sad ? Verily ! Depressed ?Let's just say ... I'D rather not wake up than be his widow ! LITERALLY !

I'm mad at the way other people get sooo much help getting through life. My parents always raised us with the "kids come last" strategy. Fine. Then they died leaving us with barely enough to set their accounts straight. My fucking sister blew her money on a car. I paid the lawyer's fees. I've now lived over half my life without my parents. Now I have kids, and we have no help whatsoever with them. My mother-in-law is useless. My father-in-law lives too far away. Everything I've ever gotten in this world I've had to earn, and others just go to daddy to get their car, or job, or whatever. My wife has rich relatives who when they had a baby, had two competing sets of grandparents waiting to baby sit. Must be nice.

I am more sad than angry at this point. My M I L was diagnosed with Ad almost 2 years ago now. We were hoping with medication she would be able to live by herself for a while. We should have known for it has been years since she started to never leave her home. She was such a homebody and so shy in public that it just kind of snuck up on us. I was injured in Aug of 98 and have not been able to get myself back to the workforce. 2 surgeries with another surgery being considered. Told that I have been having my own problems with accepting my own injuries and limitations and the fact that most likely I will never be getting much better than I am. Fighting with depression that chronic pain brings and the fatigue of just staying up and walking. I take pain medications that are time released with break through meds, aniti-depresants to help me sleep and ease nerve pain, mucle relaxers. My husband is the baby of his family so we are not close to retirement. We both lost our Fathers last summer and now we have his mother here. She is so needy, so lost but I am having such a hard time myself. She has so much energy worked so hard all of her life. Always something to get shaped up, always something that needed cooking. She looks at me and begs just tell me what to do give me something you want done. She can not even tear up greens for a salad without supervision. I have to tell her 5, 6 times just tear into little pieces. If I walk away she forgets the chore she begged for and walks after me saying give me something to do, some thing I can do for you. She just wants to go home. She is angry with us that we won't take her. We have made a big mistake she has been with us for 3 weeks then a month at my husbands sisters. We live in different states. She is back here with us and more confused than ever. I have been going down hill and it is getting harder to stay up, harder to walk around and supervise his mother. She urinated in a waste basket in her room??? She can't ever find her own room and my house is no mansion. We have signs on the doors Mother's room, the bathroom. She thinks her room is upstairs we live in a ranch rambler!!! I am worried my husband has taken some time off to be with his mother. I pray I have endurance when he does go back to the job. Then everyday we go through how she just wants to go home and she is not a child. She says her problem is only stress and she does not have a problem where she can not take care of her self. We all had to do something she wandered from her own home in the wee hours and somehow was brought home by an officer. She says nonsense she only went for a walk and she was not wrong about the time and being in the bad part of town for her walk. Strangers kidnapped her and thank goodness took her to her oldest sons home. If she would only be happy, if she could only relax this would be so simple. But no this hard working, kind, loving woman who always did for others and never for herself is making my life almost impossible. She does not intend to stay here if she is not allowed to take care of me!!! I finally admitted that things around here were out of control and hired a house keeper. We did a major clean up for my spinal injury is nearly 3 years old and I had to admit I was never going to be able to catch up.We got everything to a managable level and the woman comes in once a week to keep it that way. My house is not dirty yet I have to give my M I L things to do and I have to be in the same room and in conversation or once again she is unhappy that she is just a burden and is not helpful and she says she will not stay under these conditions. So here I am complaining to this wall when she is in bed and so finally is my big chance to do what I've wanted for days to just lie in my bed for I'm really exhausted, hurting and in some major pain. I just wish she could just be happy to watch TV so I can sneak off when I need to.

I am angry, depressed, tired and do not know which way to turn. I am 62, my husband is 70. This is a second marriage for both of us and we have been married for ten years. About 2 years after we were married my husband began showing signs of extreme forgetfulness. He was diagnosed with AD 4 years after we were married. Last night he asked me if I was married, and declared he never married me. When he was taking care of the bills, he would not let me see the credit card statements. We were continually running out of money. I took over the check writing, etc and found out he was taking cash out of the credit card accounts and running them up to the limit. I have no idea where he has hid the money, and I fear he does not remember. Unable to pay all these bills, with the Power of Attorney he gave me right after we were married, I tried to file bankruptcy, or re-finance the house and pay off the debt, but no one would accept my General, All inclusive power of attorney. Now this week the bank called and told me one of the creditors had garnisheed our bank accounts without giving me any notice. Now I can't even get medication or food for 3 weeks until the hearing in July. Even his retirement check will be tied up. I am so angry at all of this. Why did I think I needed to get married again? He fights me whenever I try to help him, although he cannot shave, bathe or dress himself. Thanks for letting me vent. AW

Whoever is saying " I hate everyone, i hope we all die" is fucked up in the head. My uncle just had a fucking heart attack. i almost lost another person along with my friends father who just recently passed away from heart failure. So watch what you fucking say. You dont even know me, or any other person writing on this wall, so dont fucking tell me thatyou hope I should die. Maybe you will die and no one will care, you miserable fuck.

I cant wait to get out of this town... my sister is coming home tomorrow and taking me away from this place. Im going to the shore with her until maybe wednesday or thursday and i cant wait. I hope to god that she doesnt come home and say that its not a good idea anymore. she always does that to me. I really hope shes still up to taking me to her house for a few days. i just need to be on the beach and feel the sun! its been raining for days here and i couldnt possible be any more depressed. I thought that summer would be great, and yes, its ten times better than school, but i am still depressed and eager to get away from everyone and everything. I hope to the dear lord... i hope my sister still wants me to come to the shore with her for a few days. Dear god let me get away from here......

I cant wait to get out of this town... my sister is coming home tomorrow and taking me away from this place. Im going to the shore with her until maybe wednesday or thursday and i cant wait. I hope to god that she doesnt come home and say that its not a good idea anymore. she always does that to me. I really hope shes still up to taking me to her house for a few days. i just need to be on the beach and feel the sun! its been raining for days here and i couldnt possible be any more depressed. I thought that summer would be great, and yes, its ten times better than school, but i am still depressed and eager to get away from everyone and everything. I hope to the dear lord... i hope my sister still wants me to come to the shore with her for a few days. Dear god let me get away from here......

i hate everyone, i hope we all die

i hate everyone, i hope we all die

I've been married to a wonderful man for 27 years. He is an only child and I am one of two, although I might as well be an only child too because my sister is lazy and trifling and always ran away from responsibility. Why have I come to this wall. Well, for the last 7 years I have been a good daughter and a good daughter-in-law. I took care of my mother with Alzheimer's for 5 years until I finally had to put her in a nursing home. She was in an excellent small 25-bed, all women nursing home one year before she died of other complications. I got a breather for about six months. Then my mother-in-law who was a dialysis, diabetes and heart patient needed attention. My father-in-law was living in the same house with her but he was always saying he had to work. My husband and I wound up being the caretakers for her. She died last year of a massive heart attack after she went on the dialysis unit. So I finally can exhale -- no. It is 8 months later and now my father-in-law has asked if he can come and live with us. The problem -- all psychological. He is lonely and depressed and misses his wife. He is losing weight. However, his doctor say that there is not anything physically wrong with him. We have him seeing a psychiatrist next week -- something he doesn't want to do. I am going to be selfish now for once in my life. He is not living with me. It's time that my husband and I had our life back. He refuses to go into a senior citizens apartment. Some people can be so selfish. Also, he isn't even my husband's biological father. He did raise him and taught my husband how to be a man but he is just my husband's stepfather. Do I owe him the rest of my lif? He is only 65 and in good physical shape. Help me!

estoy hasta la puta madre de la pendeja de mi jefa ojala que se vaya al infierno la odio no sabes como

i'm sooooo lonely all i want is someone to hold me and make me feel whole again. Is this too much to ask.

Butterfly, flutter by and rid this girl of all her evil. Make her straight and saint. Keep her in the right direction for she is only 4, Thank you LORD!!!!!!!!!!!

I am watching the rest of my life go by with no happiness at all- my sibling lives in another state and is finally coming for a visit and that just increases my burdens. I do not feel like spearheading a good time visit along with all the other responsibilities heaped on me. Why can't they take her if they really want to give me a break? This is going to be a "guilt" visit- like it is a form of doing their part. I should just pack up and move to another state- why should I live a life that I hate because no one else will take any responsibility? I am so angry now that I am finding it difficult to be civilized to anyone. I am tired of this disease Altzheimers. Maybe it is a consequence of people living longer, maybe dying won't be so bad after all. I would rather be dead than lose my faculties and have my family argue over who will put up with me.

When did the nursing home start knowing her better than me? When did she start thinking of them as her family and forgetting all of us? Why is it my face is the strangers face? Each day I visit her I'm more depressed....I want her back....I want this done.

I am so sick of taking care of sick people- I spend the majority of my time taking care of my Mom who has AZ, and now on one of my few weekends off, the kid has strep throat, so I am trapped in this house some more. I am so angry and frustrated, if this keeps up, I will have a nervous breakdown. I am sick sick sick of all this responsibility--- I want to just disappear--and don't anyone dare try to make me feel guilty about venting--cuz that is exactly what it is--I am just plain tired and worn out--

Help! Some space aliens have taken my Mother and replaced her with a clone! This clone, however, did vastly enjoy the meatballs that I prepared for it.

for fourteen years i'v gave myself for my son. he left here tuesday to live with his father because i made him do it. not because i don't love him because i do love him. he's been so angry at me for the past five years and i don't know why. he thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence so i let him go. it was one of the hardes desions i ever had to make. i don't know if i can make it throuh live without him. but i'v got a stong man behind me.whoes been through hell with me.one day maybe bubba will be back but not without some help.i pray he will

Lisa, I am so sorry about your Grandmother .I took care of my beloved mother for 3 months while she was dying of liver and lung cancer. The doctor said when it is time just let her go.It was so hard and many days I didn't think I was going to make it thru. She wanted to die at home and the dr. begged me to leave her in the hospital but she wanted to go home so I took her home with me. Many days I would look out the window and think' somewhere out there is a world but where is it? Out of 12 brothers and sisters I was the only one who could handle it. I loved her so much just like you love your grandmother!I did not want her to go either but she did and I would not want her to come back to the pain and suffering she was in. I lost 90 lbs before she died.Every one thought maybe it would kill me when she died.But,Lisa after she died and that poor hurting body was at peace,I felt like God just put his arms around me and he helped me thru it all.I know she didn't want to leave us either butI know we will see each other again some day and she will be able to run and greet me.She will never hurt again and neither will your grandmother.You will hurt for a long while but some day you will think of her and you will be able to smile again remembering all the love and memories she left you.It is hardest on the ones who are left behind.I hope I was some comfort my friend.......Lucy

I am really pissed off!! I live in Georgia and have a grandmother that lives in Pennsylvania!! She is dying of terminal Cancer! She has been like a mother to me and although selfish I do not want her to go!! I am visiting her now and it breaks my heart to see that her lively spirit has been weighed down by "God's Will". Why is it that nice people do really finish last!! What sucks even more is that today, I need to go tell her everything I ever wanted to tell her, knowing it will be the last time I will ever see her again!How can you say what you want to say and not get choked with tears!! I want to just cling onto her leg and beg God not to take her!! To hold on so tight that she stays with me forever! I know I know, I have memories and things that remind me of her, I know she'll always be with me but I want her!! Damn it! I want an answer,from someone anyone, God doesn't seem to be answering, Can anyone else give me an answer????? Lisa

I could have really used this wall about 6 months ago. Thank God I found it now. I know how you all feel! I don't know how you do it with letting the person live in your home or on their own still. I think I would really go over the edge if I did that. My Mom is in assisted living and I am working two jobs to make sure that she has some quality of life after spending down what little she had left so she could qualify for Medicaid. I run there, now only, 3 times a week (unless something happens) and call her everyday. I was doing that daily, but was getting so exhausted. Within two years I went from my husband almost losing his leg to diabetes to my Mom spinning through the fog of alzheimer's besides other things. The past two weeks her depression was rubbing off on me. This week alls I want to do is cry. I am sick of not being able to take care of me anymore, my husband feels as alone as I do anymore, and as far as family goes... they applaud how you are handling it, but aren't there to give you a hand. I am so sick of this disease and pray for God to just take her before she gets to the point that she doesn't know me at all. She was leaving 35 messages a day on my cell phone (only because that is all it would hold) saying "Please help me!) Sometimes I almost die laughing at her messages, only because I am so tired of it all. Thank God, I can still laugh. So to all of you that are in the same struggle as I, I applaud you, I encourage you to look for one blessing everyday, I send a hug when no one else cares, and give you strength to deal with all one day at a time.

Some day we'll understand all this. I know that doesn't help right now when things are this bad.Everything does eventually end tho and with it the pain .The pain will go away and in its place satifaction for a job well done[ or at least we will know in our hearts we did the very best that we could under such demanding and hard times].Hang in there .......L

Hang in there all of you- peace be with you tonight- be strong- sleep well

How long will this last?

IT IS SO TEMPTING NOT TO GIVE HIM HIS HEART PILLS.OH,GOD,GIVE ME STRENGTH.

HE IS SUCH AN IDIOT-HE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER HOW TO SWALLOW A PILL,UNLESS I YELL AT HIM.I'M SO F.....G SICK OF TAKING CARE OF THIS 84 YEAR OLD BABY!!!I'M OUT OF PATIENCE FOR TODAY,CAN'T HELP SHOUTING AT HIM.WHEN WILL IT END?WHEN I'M DEAD? THEN WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF HIM?HIS F.....G KIDS NEVER COME TO SEE HIM,OR EVEN CALL.I'M TOO OLD TO DO THIS MUCH LONGER,I'M 78 MYSELF,AND I'M TIRED!!!!!TIRED,TIRED TIRED!!! I LOVE HIM DEARLY,BUT I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE. AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!Shit shit shit.

This disease makes me so angry- and so tired.

Back in the beginning of this I would get mad and blow up at her...the sweetest dearest most loving person in the world. Her doctor at the time kept telling me it wasn't AD and I

I went to visit her in the Altzheimer's unit. They all come in and touch me and yell. They go through my grandmother's drawers. Someone was laying in her bed. How can they just let them do this....I saw a man in the last stages, bedridden, breathing tube...god I hope she doesn't make it that far...please give her some dignity.

She's gone back to being a child.....asking for her daddy to come and take her home. How hurt and alone they must feel with this disease, we are there, but she doesn't feel it.

I also catch myself blowing up at him. I think this is what is hard ,trying to keep our cool! Someone told me I should just agree with him, even if he's wrong. I find this hard to do.......L

I blew up at my dear Mom yesterday. She cannot help that she is forgetful, she is doing the best she can. I try to tell myself that over and over, but it is difficult to care for her so that she has some independence. I feel such overwhelming guilt, because this woman has been through so much in her life, and still remained a dear and sweet person to all the people she's known. I must try to be more patient with her. I hate this Altzheimers, it makes me sick with grief that she has to suffer with it.

man im sick of my mom she always says im in considerate and she never trusts me i just hate having all this tension inside of me i hat ewhen people think they are better than everyone. ok i kinda feel better now.

Twice he's answered the telephone and then he can't remember things. He couldn't remember who called the first time and the second phone call was someone coming to see us from out of town BUT he didn't know when they were coming! They came an hour and half later....He is starting to get upset with himself...He said he was not going to answer the phone any more...Good as we have a answering machine and at least I will know who and what is calling...L

I hate that my grandma is now in a nursing home. I hate that they have lost her things and don't care. I hate her being in the Altzheimer's unit and them sedating her so much. I hate that mom my cries constantly with guilt. I hate that my grandma is lost to us. I hate having to endure this pain.

I really admire all you caregivers out there!!! Don't give up!!!

The long periods of boredom interspersed with the periods of frustration just get you down. I don't know what is the worse hell, because the AD person doesn't seem to know what's going on (at least in the later stages of the disease). When I think about this, I cant' think of much because if I start to really let it out, I don't think I'm going to stop.

They are in denial because if they believed that their loved one has AD, they have to face the realization that the person needs their care. If they deny it, they don't have to feel guilty about not doing anything to help out. What's to do if the person is OK? Just like putting their head in the sand. In the meantime, the person doing the care is struggling to maintain their own sanity. I know what is going on. I am neglecting my own son, home, and job to care for this person, and the rest of the family's lives go on with no inconvenience whatsoever. They sure aren't thinking about what I have to do on a daily basis, or even care about it. I am more bitter and angry every day. I have to take another day off tomorrow to take her to the MD. I am maintaining her home as well. She can no longer take her own meds, I have to lay it all out on a daily basis, then call her every 5 to 6 hours, stopping by before work in the morning, and after work before I go home, then cook her a meal and take it over there. I do it all, from her home, MD, meds, bills, taxes, even her hair. I have no life anymore, or happiness, just a well of sadness watching this person go downhill. My whole life has been rearranged, in the meantime, the rest of this family is living their selfish lives, with no thought at all about what this is doing to my family. I hope there never comes a time that they need anything from me, I will never inconvenience myself on any of their accounts. Do unto others.

Well, it's getting worse. Now she can't remember the order the days of the week are in. I got her a pill box with 4 dosages per day, 7 days of the week so that she could retain the independence of at least taking them herself. Now she can't remember which days' pills to take. She also get's lost at the grocery store, can't remember where anything is so just stands there looking lost and confused. It's so sad for her, sometimes she's just coherant enough to know, that she can't think straight anymore. It would be better for her I think if she didn't know. I'm torn between feeling so sorry for her, she didn't ask for this, and being so very fed up and tired of the whole mess. I'm tired of her trying to put the clean dishes away for me and not being able to or remember where they go, so she lays them down all around the kitchen. Before making dinner I have to go around the kitchen and pick up 5-6 things that were in the drainer and put them away. WHY CAN'T SHE JUST LEAVE THEM THERE IF SHE CAN'T PUT THEM AWAY??? Why can't I convince her not to even try to wash her dishes anymore? 90% of what she does is either still dirty or covered in soap. Why can't I convince her to let me clean her room? Relatives don't want to go into her room anymore because it's filthy. Well, I try every weekend, and it's just not worth the fight. She says it doesn't need cleaning this week. That's what she says every week. It's been 2 years since I cleaned it last, and she hasn't cleaned it since. Why does she have to go through the kitchen 5-7 times in the 45 minutes it takes me to make dinner? I have to jump out of the way all the time or get run over. She doesn't do that at any other time of the day. It's all the little junk piled up that really drive me crazy. Why can't the rest of her kids help some? We've tried to tell them how bad it is, but they don't believe us. The only close by one is heavy into denial. Like if he admits she's sick, she'll die tomorrow. God, I hope you take her home before I lose my mind, my husband, my job, etc.... I really have to ask, is this mindless caos really necessary? You get stuck, they get stuck, no one cares, they're only glad you got stuck instead of them. Well one day, dying slowly the next. WHo's in bigger hell, us or her??

I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I FEEL NEGLECTED AND ABUSED AND THE NERVES OF HIM TO ASK ME TO COME BACK HOME.

I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I FEEL NEGLECTED AND ABUSED AND THE NERVES OF HIM TO ASK ME TO COME BACK HOME.

I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I FEEL NEGLECTED AND ABUSED AND THE NERVES OF HIM TO ASK ME TO COME BACK HOME.

what can I say. Last friday i did something dumb without thinking about the consequences, I helped a couple of friends get out of a very boring class by obliging them and making up something and telling the teacher. It seemed like it was all good but now what, monday morning i hear that the punk teacher went to the supervisor and now me and my friend are in some deep shit. Worse it was a horrendous B.I.T.C.h of a teacher that i had to deal with who i think really has it out for me and a other people. but the worst thing is that saturday my moms and i came to a new level of understanding and i have adjusted my level of thought/responsibility since then. If that bitch teacher calls my moms now and tells her this i am screwed big time, even worse this teacher has a rep of being overly harsh on people she doesnt like.(some think that back in the day someone did something very bad to her now she takes it out on anyone who is not her little suck up pet). So I cant go tell my moms now and get in trouble with her: she wont have any trust in me but i dont think that the bitch will not call her. so what am i to do. even though this happened before the agreement, there is no way i am get away unscathed at home. And i have to do the schools punishment as well. WHAT THE FUCK

what can I say? He couldn't tie a knot yesterday and today he wanted to put a new dishwasher in. I'm sorry Lord but I got so mad at him thinking he could do the electric hookup and all.I had a plummer to put it in... Please give me more patience with him......it is so hard to get thru some of this....L

I am so tired of this stupid ridiculous disease. I am ANGRY that I no longer have a mother who cares anything about me. Who won't come to my college graduation because she has no clue what is going on and cant sit still for five minutes. I am ANGRY that I have been married for two years and the whole time have been a stressed out depressed wreck because of my mother. I am ANGRY that my husband and I can't even enjoy a weekend without having to take care of my mother. I am beyond pissed that two of my sister's live in another state and seem to think that things are just fine. One at least sends money to help out and the other lives in the land of denial. I am ANGRY that my children will never know the wonderful person my mother was. I am ANGRY that my mother looks at me and tells me I am not her daughter. I am AFRAID that the only memories I will have of my mother are of a woman who can't remember my name and doesn't even remember how to brush her teeth. I am ASHAMED that some days I wish it was all over and that she was gone so I could remember her the way she was.

a dove circles my grief like a gypsys soul that CRIES for peace tears melt suns and flowers grow and nobody owns them... from a wall in montreal

Well I've got theese big exams in a week, and I think I;m going to fail the impottant ones, everyone gives me advice, but it's all stupid! It's impossible not tocompare yourself with your clever sister and friends, when u know you have worked as hard as them!! I also am leaving school soon which means all of my "mentor" teachers as well where will I be with out them ?

My husband is an alocholic and we are seperated.He act's like he is 18 ,he is 39. I feel like 65 and I'm39.We have four kids .One is married two teenage boy's and a 6 year old. my kids live with me. I feel like they hate me. I have all of the respondsibility to raise them on my own.I wish the boy's would understand I only want to be their mom and a friend to them. Their dad needs help.Ilove the kids but I'm sick of them yelling at me and shuting me out of their life.

The Burden. They become exactly what they din,t want to be. I,m so tired but then to actually say it, look at her and think you are a burden. My precious mother... It is just so sad.

I hate this- yesterday my son had his honor society awards ceremony at his school. My father talked about his condition and bitched about his MD and my mom has early stage AD and sat and stared into outer space. I have spent every day over there the last week, and today I have to call her doc again and get her an appointment to squeeze her in before the hol