First let me thank those of you who were so kind to welcome me when I first posted about my crazy cat lady mom. I do read these forums a lot, but don't take time to post. As many of you know, having a full time job and the responsibility of caring for a parent (and my family!) keeps one busy. I am lucky that my sister keeps Mom every other week. Some of you don't have sibling help, and I really feel for you.

This week, however, my sister is out of town for business, so I happily volunteered to keep Mom two full weeks. I am ready to scream, and it's only day 10!! My mom has become, as my husband put it, a "professional patient." As a reminder of my first post, she has congestive heart failure. She has been admitted to the hospital twice and stayed in a nursing home for a few months afterward. She couldn't wait to leave the "rehab center" and come back to live with us.

Now that she's back with us, all she wants to do is lie in bed all day. She walks 100 ft per day, and that's it. She isn't interested in going outside (it was lovely here Saturday), playing any type of games, sitting in the living room, reading, or anything but watching TV in bed. I have to wait on her hand and foot. And of course when I do, nothing is good enough. "It's too early to eat breakfast." "I need to let my food digest before I take my pills." "It's freezing in here." "Can you rinse my teeth for me?" "Will you go to the store and buy this or that?" My sister tells me she's that way at her house, too. Her physical therapist told her to try to get up and move every few hours. Yeh, right, like that will happen.

I made her walk to the living room Sunday, and she said, "You know I have congestive heart failure." I told her of course I know that. She said, "Well I can only do as much as my heart will let me." UGH! She has a bedsore from her last hospital visit and constantly complains about it hurting her when she sits up in a chair. The Dr. told her to shift positions while sitting. I reminded Mom of that, but she said, "That's easier said than done." Oh, brother.

Now she has a swollen big toe. The home health nurse will check it again on Thursday and has reported it to the Dr. My mom is having me soak her foot twice per day "just like the nurse did" and "dry between each toe after." "Don't cover it with the sheets." "Make sure you put gauze between the toes to separate them." I really don't know what's wrong with that toe, but it's an added excuse for her not to do anything.

Can I just say that MY MOM SUCKS?!!!!!! She has always been a fruitcake, but now she is a whiney, spoiled, inconsiderate, lazy big baby! This is a woman that is perfectly capable of walking 15 ft to the bathroom and rinsing her own damned teeth!! Grrrrrrr!! I am sick and tired of telling her that she has to keep moving. It is her life. Why should I bother continuing to tell her? This isn't a dementia issue. She has been perfectly sane for over a month now. (well, as sane as she gets anyway) She knows she isn't doing what's been recommended. She picks and chooses advice and only follows the "stay off that," "be careful" stuff.

I am really ready to just...I don't know what...drop her at the nursing home...blow up and tell her she sucks...I don't know. I have been very nice and pleasant with her. Maybe that's the mistake I'm making.

I may have a talk with her and tell her that from now on she can just be responsible for her own health (of course I will still dally up and grind her pills and take her to the Dr.) and that I'm tired of trying when she's not trying.

I really can't stand to go in her room anymore. I get filled with dread. I walk out cussing under my breath and waving my middle finger in the air! I can't wait to go to work in the morning to get away from her.

Okay, I'm done griping now. I also wanted to mention that I saw a post by someone named Jules on one of these forums and his/her mom sounded like mine with the animal thing and poor self care. As I mentioned in my first post, my mom's house is ruined by cat pee.

Thanks for letting me vent.

This reply may be long overdue, but I feel like I need to share this if the situation as I am writing is still the same.

They said raising a child is like holding a soap. If you hold it too lose in your hand, it will simply slide down, if you hold it too tight, it will jump off your hand. I would like to believe that this applies to the elderly too, especially if they have not really lost their "mental faculties" and they still remain "sharp" for their age. They can be very controlling and manipulative unknowing to both the cared and the caregiver.

I would try teaching (read encouraging) your mom to do bits and pieces of her own care. I may start putting her dentures in the bathroom and tell her to start rinsing her own teeth in the sink, that way she would also get up to walk everytime she does that. I may start by walking her to the bathroom to (kinda) show her how you do it (of course you know she knows how to). Then I may start showing her how I put the gauze in between her toes so she can start doing them. I may apply some "scare tactics" by dramatizing how bad her toes can get if "we" don't take care of them. And that "I" might have no choice but to take you to a nursing home if it becomes unmanageable. Be sweet but be firm. Bargaining and letting her feel some consequences for her inaction might make her feel responsible again. Start with "I will rinse your teeth today but I will be leaving early tomorrow so you have to take care of that" and after a while and she hasn't followed up on taking care of her dentures "I will not rinse it for you because I know you can do that. It's up to you if you want to eat with all this _____ on your teeth".

Balance between showing her that you care and is willing to do everything for her, but make her responsible by making her suffer some mild consequences. Make her realize your limitations, and where she should pick up. Empower her by making her feel some guilt. These things might then motivate her to start doing other activities, after she relearns the most basic activity which is to take care of herself. Easier said, but it can be done. Hope this helps.

Carol, the staying in bed maybe a signed of depression.
Would not hurt to disguss the possibility with her doctor.Not easy to have the rolls reversed.The one who was always doing for herself is now dependent on another for her well being.Not a fun place to be.None of can truly understand unless we have been there and experience the physical and emotional pain she is experienceing.I discovered you have to find away to make a joke about something we want them to do.Let them know we understand it is not esy but it would be good for her to make an effort.Also remind her, in a loving way , you cannot help her if she makes a little effort.
The way you ask her to do something can make a difference.Your tone of voice and your body language.THEY HAVE A KEEN SENSE TO YOUR EMOTIONS AND MANY TIMES THEY WILL REBEL.They say a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down.It is true.Maybe you can find a positive reward to give her to het her to cooperate.Dealing with her is much like dealing with a child.
Your flustration is understing .but be careful.Flustration can cause one to get out of control.
Do you feel you are experienceing some anxiety of your own?Maybe you could address this with your doctor.
When you feel these strong emotions coming one, as was suggested, leave the room.Go out side and get another perspective.Be able to give her a hug and words of encouragement.Assure her that you love her and are so concerned for that reason.Yes you will have to set boundries on what you will or will not do.But for the right reasons.Take each day as it comes and learn from that day.We all learn as we go along.Nothing works as we would wish but that is the nature of the beast.
I have had a year of dealing with severe physical and emotional issues.I also experienced those who hought I ws playing the victim.Why, they had no idea of what I ws feeling.No words or actions could make them understand.They could not grasp me being unable to think and do he things I once did .That is not something they chose to accept.All that mattered was what I knew and was self motivated to find answers and get well.With this I learned so much of what my three loved once experienced.They say you have to experience something to understand it.I was able to place my self in my loved ones shoes.Not a pretty place to be.
Think how you would feell if all the things you once were are no loger possible.You are dependent on another for your well being.Not an easy turn of events.
I took my set back from a negative to a positive.I learned from it all..
For me it took alot of tests and many trial and errors of meds.Fortunately I was able to feel the affects or non affects of the meds.Imagine someone who is unable to put those feelings into words.I had the will to do wht had to be done.That is so important.Do not beat your self up if things do not goes as you want or expect.That makes the tasks seem worthless.
Step back and re evaluate the situation.See things through her eyes and try to gain from it.
Keep telling your self I can do this.I am not perfect and will have bad days but I try.Never make a decision when under stress or anger.
Also find time to have time out to do something that makes you feel good.

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I guess it doesn't help matters that my mom and I have never been close. I don't want to say I resent this situation, but maybe deep-down, I do.

That you are doing this anyway is testimony to the size of your heart.

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This morning I went spiraling down into the pit of guilt when my mom said, "Carol, thanks for all you're doing for me."

Honey in the midst of all this mess, every once in a while the sun does shine down on us but dont ever feel guilt about anything in the past its just that the past.
We are human and we get frustrated thats NORMAL.
All we can do is dust ourselves off when we stumble and FORGIVE ourselves then start anew.
Now grab your soft furry bunny slippers kick off the shoes prop the ole tired dogs up an a stool with a nice beverage of your choice and toss it back take a deep breath and relax we gotcha

Thanks, hugs, and blessings to you all for your insights. I really appreciate it and I am learning. This morning I went spiraling down into the pit of guilt when my mom said, "Carol, thanks for all you're doing for me." *sigh* I guess I'm the one who sucks.

The Dr. has not seen her toe yet. The nurse is going to check it tomorrow, and I already know she's going to recommend I take her to the Dr. for it. I asked Mom if the joints in her toe hurt (gout), but she said no, that only the tip of the toe hurts. My sister did clip her toenails two weeks ago and I am leaning towards thinking it's an ingrown toenail. We'll know for sure by tomorrow afternoon or Friday though, when I take her in.

I would like to mention that I am following the Dr.'s orders to the letter, and she has been seeing this Dr. for years. Mom's lungs are clear and she is able to walk much farther than to the living room and back (the 100 ft, which I am now thinking might be 80 ft; 40 ft one way). She does not get winded doing that. She just doesn't want to do it.

I think I am going to have to get stronger and like Moms Buddy said, "detach emotionally." I guess it doesn't help matters that my mom and I have never been close. I don't want to say I resent this situation, but maybe deep-down, I do.

Thanks again for listening. You guys are super!

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Now she has a swollen big toe. The home health nurse will check it again on Thursday and has reported it to the Dr. My mom is having me soak her foot twice per day "just like the nurse did" and "dry between each toe after." "Don't cover it with the sheets." "Make sure you put gauze between the toes to separate them." I really don't know what's wrong with that toe, but it's an added excuse for her not to do anything.

Carol, has the doctor checked her for gout?

I understand your frustration. It's hard to change roles from being an independent daughter with an independent mother to an independent daughter with a dependent patient.

It's difficult for everyone concerned. No one wants to become dependent, needy and ill. It doesn't simply affect one's physical well-being, it affects one's mind and spirit as well. While this is TOUGH for us, it's also very tough for our LOs also. They USED to be the strong ones who took care of everything. Finding oneself unable to be independent is a huge blow for most elderly folks. Because they are old and sick, expecting them to cooperate and change is more than they can deliver on. It's up to us to change the way we relate to them. We have to detach emotionally and see them more as our patients and less as "Mom" or "Dad." Arguing doesn't work. Nagging doesn't work. Positive reinforcement does help and ignoring bad behavior (no payoff) also helps. If it's "too early for breakfast," sorry, but this is the only time I can serve breakfast. If one's food has to digest before taking pills," sorry, Mom, but this medication has to be taken WITH a meal - not after. Doctor's orders. "Time to shift position, Mom." "Time to get up and walk a few steps, Mom."

It's hard for us to imagine how completely disease ruins their lives because we are healthy and young enough to have a lotta fight left in us. I recall a conversation my DH had with his father a few months before his death from emphysema... Dad said, "It used to take me 20 minutes to shower, shave and sh*t. Now it takes me 2 hours."

Dementia is a very sneaky collection of symptoms. Sometimes it's very hard to discern what they actually CAN deliver on and what they cannot, especially when they are still able to "fake it." Judgment is the first thing to leave the building with Elvis and impulse control is right behind. During this period, people seem like they understand, but they are unable to control their impulses or to exercise good judgment about their care. Dementia is NOT insanity - it is a collection of neurological and physical symptoms characteristic of a brain that is dying cell by cell. It is caused by MANY diseases - CHF is one because it deprives the brain of needed oxygen.

I feel for ya - this is arguably the toughest job any of us ever face and it takes a LOT of self-coaching to accomplish it without going nutz!!! With all you and your sister have on your plates, I am wondering if your mom wouldn't be better served by having professional assistance, such as an aide, assisted living, nursing home, etc. Y'all would be wise to check into this as with both of you having busy schedules & families, there will come a time when your mom's care will outstrip your combined abilities to deliver what she needs.

Good luck and many blessings to both you and your sister for all that you do in service to your mom.

PS You posted in the right place. The Anger Wall is for blowing off steam!

I get angry with my Mom, too, for similar reasons. If you can, I think you may be on the right track when you think about being firmer. Not in a mean way but telling her, "No, remember the doctor said you need to do some walking if you ever want that bedsore to heal. Rinse you own teeth. Would you like me to help you to get up?" You'll meet resistance, of course, but sometimes it can help to have a clear agenda. And, with my mom, I try to remember there's only so much I can do. If she refuses to do her daily walking and she knows what the consequences are, I can only cajole, remind, and encourage. If she wants to shorten her life by sitting in a chair all day, it's her choice. Big hugs. It isn't easy, that's for sure.

First off Carol we do understand this frustration very well and it doesnt do any good to tell you this is normal I know....
Welcome to the wonderful world of cg to a LO we have taken under our wing and spoiled
I do have to say that CHF is very serious, I dont know how much this PT actually wants mom to do but I will say this, 100ft is a freakin marathon for mom unless you want her to crash an burn right there in front of you.
This disease tires them out quickly Iv had many CHF patients who do nothing but go from one chair to another then back to bed cause simply put their tuckered out.
And if she has respiratory issues theres a double whammy for her.
It is good to keep her in a sitting position to better fill her lungs to capacity and if theres a debic ulcer on her fanny grab a small pillow and let her sit with it on one side for 2 hours then switch to the other side for another 2 hours.
Do this while shes laying in bed also, prop her on one side with pillows then the other every 2 hours that way theres no excuses from her.
And most importantly when you feel yourself getting frustrated walk away/take a walk, go out back break glass sledge hammer something you despise (mines baby monitors)
And lastly knowing that we do understand what your going through come here and rail at the anger wall thats what its here for

Carol, just a quick note to say, the anger wall gets used by all of us or all kinds of reasons and yours sounds like it is in the right place to me. Rant away. I will try to respond more tomorrow.

We need a punching bag in here for Carol folks.

I just realized this is an AlZ Anger wall. I will post in the other section from now on. Sorry about that. I was so mad I didn't read that part.