I don't think I am cut out to be a CG for my mil.

A quick update, she is grieving the death of her H, 3 months ago. She suffers from osteoporosis, leg pain, lower back pain. I take her to a Dr. who is manageing her pain quite well, though she forgets she has had her morning dose, ten minutes after she has taken it. Then gets mad and beligerant when she is told she cannot have it for 8 more hours, the CG's are following their rules for medication dosage, explaining to her that she has to eat regularly before taking her medication...she refuses to eat {her way of control}, won't drink juice, milk shakes, only wants coffee. She drinks decaffinated, this is worse than dealing with a spoiled child. She thinks we are not giving her meds, she is given her morning dose, then, during the day, she gets Tylenol Arthritis in small doses, crushed up and stirred in to yogurt, most of the time, she takes this because she has forgotten her morning/evening dose was taken. We give her this in case it can gake the edge off, and just to appease her that she is getting meds, it is funny because she says her back quit hurting her 15 minutes after one TA, which is monitored because of Liver damage.

On top of this she wants to smoke about 4 packs a day, this much nicotine will interfear with her pain meds absorption. We have explained this to her, she should have so many cigs a day and when they are gone, that is it. You can tell her pain increases when she is allowed to smoke all day long.

Friday night, H and I had an emergency call, a friend who is battling cancer, took a turn for the worse. We threw a change of clothes in teh car and left at 9pm to drive 3.5 hours. We returned home today. On top of this, we had two new CG's come on board this weekend for days/nights. They called this morning to tell us that "Miss Sue" was throwing a fit, said she was beligerant, mean and calling people names.
I had about had it with the 3rd call, I told my sil who was holding down the fort while I was gone,that I am taking the woman to the Doc Monday, to have her examined, while there, I am going to have a conference with the DR. and tell him what is going on. I think he may elevate the doseage on the meds, and maybe increase dosage on the Anti depressants. The woman gets no exercise, she simply refuses to go along with Dr.'s orders to get out and walk. She hates it and acts ridiculous to keep from it all. Frankly, right now, I could care less if she ever walked outside again!!!!!!

My point being, I am sick of these fits, she might not remember taking meds, but she knows full well that she is throwing fits and behaving like a spoiled child. Honestly, I do not know how much longer I am going to agree to see to her health needs.

don't get me wrong, I have not problem getting her to the Dr., no problem making sure scripts are filled, talking to the Dr, office about meds and so on. I just mind it when she treats everyone as dirt under her feet just to get attention. And believe me, every since I have known her, if she thought someone else, even her dying husband was getting more attention than she, then it was time to throw a fit, and the only thing she does throws fits about, is pain. That is all she has to talk about, she knows if she brings that up, someone will try to see to her management.

I have sil and bil telling me she needs to be on an anti depresant, well HELLO!!! I must have dumb@ass written all over my face, because she is takng and AD, along with an anti anxiety med. One thing for sure, there is going to be a huge change, All meds will be printed out in bold ink. What she takes and what time of day she gets it!! This will be posted on the fridge, for any new help and those who think I am too stupid to deal with the dr. and her health care!!!!!!!!!

As I said before, my grandson is visitng me, I don't know how long he will be here, and I don't want to loose precious time with him. I do not intend to spend all week at my mil's house trying to console her and repeat constantly that I have given her meds. I also have a home renovation going on and I have to be involved with that.

The next time they call me, it had better be big, because everything is going to be printed on the fridge, where they can read it. Actually, I told the new ladies, call me any time of night if you have questions.

I don't know how much longer I can take this treatment. These are the cruel things she spouts at us:

"I hope one day your H or wife will die and you will know how I feel" {totally cruel and out of line, only used to be mean, which is her personality}

"If your dad was still alive, he would not let you treat me this way, he would make sure I had my medicine" { well hell yeah, he used to go to the DR. and lie to them, so they would give her extra meds, they were thrown out of 2 different offices because of this behavior}

"I hope when your h dies that you are in so much pain and suffer worse than I do" { well, ok biddy, I don't care how old you are, or what your ailments, my own mother would never think to speak to me like that and I am not going to take it off of you again}

Tonight, we have a new CG who will be working weekend nights only. I hope she works out well, and will look at taking full time nights.

I hope I have not offended anyone here, I just have so much on my shoulders right now, that I think my sil is going to get this woman dumped in her lap....for the time being. I just have no patience to be mistreated right now.

My Dad is in poor health, I have not visited my own Mom for a month, I am going to see them both this week. I need to be away from home, and will spend the night at my Mom's along with my grandson. Right now, I am so put out with my mil, that I don't care if I never go back in her home again!!!!!!!!!

Have I mentioned, that for years, she has been verbally abusive to me, treated me as if I were too stupid to come in out of the rain. Because she was my h mom, I put up with it. But now, I refuse to be treated that way.

I am to the point, give her all the damn cigarettes she wants and let her smoke until her head is spinning. I am so sick of this, calling, calling, more cigatettes, more more more. WE can't even go in the house because of the low level smoke clouds and the smell. None of us can breathe in that house.

Sorry to carry on, I hope I don't sound like a monster, I will help, but just don't abuse me!!
I don't have patence for mean people in my life.

I would understand better if she had AD, she has Dementia, she is fully aware of the cruel inentional things that come out of her mouth.

I also have two grandchildren who don't have the physical support of thier Dad, and I feel that it is up to me to entertain them and do things with them that he should be doing. I am broken hearted over this.

I am still fuming over MIL, I dont know how I am going to handle this, but right now, I need to put it on a back burner and calm myself down so I can go to sleep!!!!!!!!!!!

Think I need to take my BP,my head is hurting and I am very tired.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: BlueWaterBeach,

Thank you BC!

Glad you found one point to draw the line, Blue, the mowing. Don't back down. Someone else will do it. Good luck with the Dr tomorrow.
Take some notes with you, especially about the pain she complains of, and how she won't believe she has had her meds. You can't honestly claim she has hd a recent change in personality, But you can claim an unusual reaction to grief, including her abuse of her CGs.
Hope to hear something positive from you when I get back from Mom's tues.

Dochka, actually, sil is my H brother's wife.

When all of this began, I was the person who was at home and had the most time. I volunteered, never realizing the big picture and the future. When you take care of the elderly, most of the burden lies in the medical aspect. There are 4 of us, we have all taken on part of the burden, though it seems that I am doing most of it.

I also mow her yard, which is huge. I mow it because she lives next door to me, and I want to keep the snake/rodent population down.

As of today, I am no longer mowing that yard, someone else can do it. I have a life to live and no one expects me to do this, but I do it because it has to be done, and the money comes out of our pocket and have been trying to save some of it. I don't care anymore.

My mil is a very complex person, assisted living would never work for her. She refuses to be a part of society, since I have known her, for over 30 years she has spent the bulk of her time laying on the couch watching tv. WHen her health allowed, the beauty shop, grocery store and Walmart were her destination of choice, oh yes, any chance to go out and eat because she did not want to be in the kitchen. As far as cultivating friendship, getting to know neighbors fell on deaf ears, little socializing what so ever. If we did insist she go to weddings, showers, birthday parties and so on, she made sure that everyone was so miserable that no one ever wanted to get into a vehicle, or make a public appearance with her again.

Believe me, I have tried every way known possible to get her out and circulating. For the last 10-12 years,the only place anyone would ever take her would be to the Doctor.

She had a caregiver for 4 years that she totally trusted, who stole her identity, took everything she could hide in her purse, and coerced her in to signing away personal checks. I cannot talk about the outcome of this situation at this time. It is under investigation.

Speaking of now, I am in charge of her medical, I am seeing the DR. tomorrow. Don't think for a minute that I am not going to lay this story out and have it addressed immediately.

If things don't get better soon, I will be off of the team for a while. I won't leave my H to deal with this woman who is leaving a sour taste in everyone's thoughts and mouths.

She is going through the grieving process and is angry with her H for leaving her. She misses him terribly, but we are not at fault for his death and don't deserve to be treated as such.

Right now, I am in for giving her all the cigarettes she wants. We all are.

Though I can suggest she be sent in for an evaluation, it does not mean that it will happen. No one wants to deal with her pit viper attitude any longer.

If it were up to me, she would be in a rest home tomorrow afternoon. I would probably never look back, or visit.

Cruel? Vindictive? I don't know, just sick and tired of it all. This is not a pity party, just brutal reality.

Dear BWB, You must always trust your own instincts. I don't know why you are trying to save your H from stress and you are on the brink! It is HIS mother. Also his sister's too! What the HECK! How did the full burden fall on you? In my opinion it is high time they took their mother's care into their own hands especially if she responds to them better than to you!
This also happened to me as I had a more flexible job. But when I saw my MIL did not accept my "telling her what to do", I told my husband to talk to the siblings and figure something out! She went into a beautiful assisted living place and was sooooo happy! Take my advise please. It can work out to benefit everyone! Don't be a martyr!

BWB, we all get to certain points in our own ways and in our own times.

I hope you get to the beach. I need it, too, being a beach woman at heart, but if I ever got near one right now, I would never come back!

Hang in there and put things into motion tomorrow for EVERYONE'S sake... then, go to the beach!

True, all true.

I love ya Bobcat!!!!!!!!

I , too , don't know how you have coped this long with it all. You seem to have all of the work but none of the decision making power, where MIL is concerned. With your SIL getting involved, Just maybe between the 2 of you, she'll get the evaluation she so desparately needs. Neither of you are going to be of any true use to this situation without it. It sounds as if both of her sons will have to face this.

I'ld be tempted to refuse to enter her house again unless this is agreed to and a date set, but I'm not sure it is in your nature, I know it would catch them all off guard, but it is truely the best thing for her (as well as survival for you and soon your SIL). It will be interesting to see how she copes as she takes on more of this load.

I know you are constantly concerned with the stress your H is under, but right now, I'm worried about you. Take some time to make a list devided into 3 catagories:
Things no one will stop you from doing.
Things you are willing to do. AND
Things some one else will have to do or it WON'T be done.....(dealing with MIL falls here, especially until the evaluation is a done deal)

He sounds like a wonderful man, but a pattern is emerging here, where it seems you have been stepping in to be helpful and protective of him, and then you get dumped on. In ordinary circumstances , this might be just fine and an ideal marriage method, but these are extrordinary times.

It's hard enough to take care of someone with whom you have a good relationship and decision making power, but this is banging your head against a wall with no good outcome in the forseeable future. H maybe a bit flumoxed when you refuse to rescue him from this, but Darlin', you need rescueing this time.

MB, you have told me this in the past, yes. Things were not receptive to it then, but the time is at hand, now.

Thank you for not trying to "jolly me out", I did have lunch with my kids, we had a good time, good meal and lotta love. I needed that, but I also need to be on a beach.....OMGOSH....I need it so bad.

Maybe in the coming weeks, I can get my sis to take a road trip with me. I have got to get away from this.

I am no more stable right now,than I was last night when I wrote the original to this. My patience is gone, I need a break. I have a call in to my sil right now, we are going to talkt his evening about everything. I just cannot continue this.

If mil behaves, then we are good. I just hate the violent aspect of it.

One minute she is a raving wild woman, an hour later, she wants you to bring the kids over so she can "watch" them and help out some, the whole while, telling me how much she loves me!

Thanks for the time you give me MB, I so appreciate it!!!!

quote:

It is past time she be evaluated... I don't care if they lock her in a ward somewhere for a month! I am at the end of my rope.

BWB, I have said it before and I'll say it again. I think this woman is suffering from dementia. Given her smoking, I would venture to say vascular dementia. She desperately NEEDS an inpatient evaluation. She WILL be in lockdown for the time she is there (usually from 10 -21 days, depending...). It is NOT cruel - it is the only way to thoroughly and clinically observe someone for a complete "shakedown" battery of psychological, neurological and every other kind of "ogical" tests! The office tests are junk and can only be of diagnostic use in the most severe cases (the ones where folks can't hide that there's something wrong).

I agree with Maria - you DO need to step back and let someone else take over care of your MIL. Besides having PLENTY enough on your plate, you have a long history with this woman who is NOT your blood relation and whom you resent and fundamentally dislike for whatever reasons. It is very difficult to separate the person for whom we are currently caring from the person we have always known. If one cannot make that separation (and it's no shame if you can't) you must step back and give over her care to another person.

PLEASE INSIST on an in-patient evaluation for her! While there, if they want to change or increase or decrease her meds, they can do so with all the tools of the pros at hand if she has a bad reaction, etc. She has NEEDED this evaluation for quite a while - please do NOT put it off, agree to outpatient testing or anything less than a FULL geriatric psych/neuro evaluation. If your hubby does not want to go along, throw the ENTIRE ball of wax in his lap. Sure, he has lots on him, BUT SO DO YOU! If he or any other involved family member is standing in the way of an inpatient evaluation, throw the responsibility on them 24/7...

I'm not gonna try to jolly you out of this funk. You are OBVIOUSLY overloaded and taking every stressor in your life to heart. You MUST take out time to care for yourself and to learn how to manage and juggle these stresses better or they are gonna eat your lunch!

Hang in there, dear and don't back down! Once she's checked in for an evaluation, you can relax a little and sort out and reprioritize other things on your plate. Good luck!

Maria, thank you!

Everything you said is true. My sister in law is in the process of quitting her job, and is currently trying to get up to speed on things. Which is going to be a big help. Us being gone over the weekend, caused everything to be dropped into her lap. Now she sees everything H and I have been dealing with.

I told my H this morning that I am ready to walk off.

I intend to finish the day tomorrow by taking care of her health care needs, and after that, each to his own.

I am going to spend time with my grandson and that is that!!! Aside from other duties.

I need a nap today, maybe after the young ones leave I can get that accomplished. If not, I may be on my way over to my Dad's taking him some freezer meals I have prepared, and taking him out for a cup of coffee or whatever he needs to do. I am sure my grandson will be happy with his grandfather while I take care of this situation.

Love to all my friends here, I don't know how I would be coping right not if not for all!!!

BWB, I'm sorry that I don't have any good suggestions for you, but I do have some thoughts on all of this.

I don't know who else is able to step up and take this matter in hand, but it seems to me that it is time for you to step BACK. This situation is untenable. I don't know how you have done it for so long, but it really cannot continue.

I know it's none of my business to be saying such a thing when I really don't even know you or your family. But, between your feelings and general attitude at this point, and the tremendous demands you are presently facing--well, it just doesn't add up to a happy ending.

This is not good for you (healthwise, or otherwise), it is not good for MIL, and it probably is not even good for your marriage! When you press the limits to this extent sumbunny is gonna PAY, and it seems to me that in this case the prices is gonna be BIG.

It is not fair for you to be so incredibly responsible for your MIL when you have so much else to be concerned about---especially when those other concerns genuinely belong near the top of your list. ...like your own parents!

Again, I am SO sorry that I don't have any good suggestions for you. All I know is that if I were in your shoes, at this point, I would probably be saying something very much like, "I QUIT."

For you, and for everyone concerned, I sincerely hope that you guys can come up with a workable solution. Has anyone ever discussed the idea of an assisted living arrangement? ...something has got to give dear, and I think you have given quite enough.

Good morning my friends!

I am still in a low mood over this situation.
My kids and grandkids are coming after Church for lunch and afternoon visiting. I am baking brownies right now.

My feelings have not changed, I am at the end of my rope. Two phone calls from Mil, this morning before breakfast. She threatened the CG that she was going to hit her with her cane and called her names. At this point, I say give her all the cigarettes she wants, let her smoke all she wants. I am past the point of giving a flip about anything she does or says right now.

I cannot believe that I am responding this way to an elder, someone who is dependant on her family.

It is past time she be evaluated... I don't care if they lock her in a ward somewhere for a month! I am at the end of my rope.

My house is in total dissaray, boxes everywhere, stuff/junk everywhere, trying to make decisions on my renovation/addition...it is a huge mess. The wrong sized windows were framed in, the wrong sized windows were ordered, the wrong type of glass.

I haven't spoke to my sister in 5 days, they are trying to keep it together by staying busy. I wanted to have her family out for a cookout....her son and wife are leaving in a few days I don't have time to work that out.

My Mother is calling asking what is going on with me, at my house? My step dad is calling wanting to know when I am going to visit my Mom...

My Dad is in diabetic distress, in the danger of loosing a foot, he won't answer my calls... I don't know where he is and why he is not answering, or returning the calls.

I have a son who by his own choices has turned his life upside down...I am tired of the chaos.

I worry about all the stress this is putting on my H.

so, forgive me, if I am sick and tired of all of it. Just filled to the brim....

today I am getting the new CG's lined out on their tasks, meds, and all info they need, if they choose to continue taking care of this difficult woman.

this morning, she was throwing a fit, and shaking all over, trying to drool at the mouth. My H sat down at the table, asked her to sit, he told her he had known her all of his life, and it was time for her to straighten up and quit her behavior. She stopped what she was doing and sat down, then asked him for a cigarette in a most calm fashion.

this woman is cerified.

I do know that finding alternative residence for her is out of the question, he and his brother will not consider it. Meanwhile, out lives and health are in constant upheaval.

I am taking her to the dr. Monday morning, then I am done with her for the rest of the week.

I have to take care of myself and MY family for a change.

I wish I did not feel this way, it is against my nature.

BG, I will check the pain patch.

I just woke up at 3:15, MAD about the situation.

Man, I was sleeping so good, then I wake up, Angry all over again. I don't think it is the patch, I think it is just her crabby personality. Which right now, I want N-O-T-H-I-N-G to do with. At the same time, I also know that my H is burdened with too much as it is, so I will continue on....doing the best I can. I am sure to let her know Monday, on the way to the DR., if she starts on me in the car, I am not going to be responible for the portion of her butt that I chew OFF!!

dealing with the grandchildren with the absent parent is breaking my heart. I do not know where I went wrong raising this kid.

Right now, my mil is the person who can't take care of herself. She must be cared for.

OMOGSH, I need a trip, far far away. It would be hard to return home, givent he circumstances!

(((Blue))) Im so sorry she is making this so difficult for you but could there be a possibility this pain med (patch) she is one is making her behavior worse? My MIL has an adverse reaction to some pain meds please check the side effects.
All toll I say its time to take a good look at all the meds she is on talk to her doc about this when you take her sweetie.
I do hope this gets better.

(((BWB))) I am so sorry you are dealing with such an ungrateful person. You sound like you need a long walk on the beach. How about taking Harry and having a beach party. Enjoy your Grandson do I remember right that you didn't want to do the reno right now? Gypsy