82-yr old MIL was living with Alzheimers husband in New England last year. Finally came time to put him into assisted living with memory care, leaving MIL alone. Facility MIL was living in had residential requirements - namely she had to be able to live independently in order to stay.

MIL needed new housing after new staff evaluation said she had lack of balance (she had a mild stroke two years ago) and did poorly on the cognitive memory and thought test. Mind you, MIL had lived there for some time as a resident getting older - I suspected the place wanted to re-rent the nice apartment to a younger couple, but that's another story by itself.

Brothers and Sister pow wow'ed about future of "Mom," and after a lot of phonecalls and documents MIL is moved across the country to a new independent living center near us (my wife is MIL's daughter and brothers did not want the opportunity).

The plan was for her to be close by, but live in her own space. So we move all her stuff from 50 years back that she doesn't even know she has, along with antiques, uncomfortable stuffy furniture, and boxes and boxes and boxes of dreck I know we'll end up with. Finally, we get her settled and the first week goes well - looks like it will work. My wife and I are pleased we can still have a life with MIL only 8 minutes across town.

Or so we thought...

On MIL's eighth day in new apartment she fell down and broke her hip - and I mean "broke" it. Worse, she was confused and didn't know how to get help (never mind we drilled her for hours on the pendant she refused to wear to summon the staff).

After spending 12 hours on the floor, dehydrated, and bleeding, she missed her morning call to us and we called back - no answer. So we called the facility and they went to check on her. Next thing you know the Paramedics were called and the whole circus ended up in the hospital for the rest of the day.

After a week post-surgery she was discharged from the hospital to...our house. You know, the place you call home - your sanctuary...your space. Ok, so it was good karma to give her almost a month of food, toileting, rest, meds, and all the other joys, right? Finally, after all that, we got her into a rehab place up the street where she spent two months squeezing balls and walking on stairs with overweight post-teen minimum-wage CNA's who didn't care.

Well, guess what? In only those three months, she deteriorated. Meds made her completely dopey and she could not think straight. She could not walk without us on each side and was using a wheelchair. And she was always tired. She dribbled food down her front. She would ask the same questions every five minutes - for hours. She was incontenent. And she was utterly, with predjudice, dependent on us.

We finally got her back to her apartment - it seemed like forever, and guess what? Same movie all over again. The facility says she is no longer able to live independently and she needs to move out of her apartment into assisted living.

Meantime MIL is like a remora on the side of a shark. She sits for hours waiting for the phone to ring - from us. My wife spends every single day with her, sometimes for hours. I work a 40 hour week, and suddenly my wife and I (we've been together for 24 years) don't see much of each other. Weekends are bringing MIL over for lunch, to polish silver, or to let her sleep. She is like a dependent child - we ARE her life. And it's getting old - quickly.

Today she was sitting at the dining room table, slumped with a blank stare and said "marvelous" to everything we said - we could have told her we were going to feed her nuts and bolts. They tell us she can hang on for 5-10 more years as she slowly crumbles....I'm so not thrilled.

My wife is getting mildly manic behind all this. I try my best to be supportive but I can see she is starting to wear thin. Frankly, so am I. Now that I know what insanity waits for me in terms of cost, care, boredom, and dependency when I get old, I think I'll jump off a bridge instead before I get there.

DFB welcome into a wonderful group of people who BTW understand all that you and your wife are feeling. Its so sad that the ALF left your sweet MIL alone for so many hours! I cant even comprehend that! I would be raising such a stick on the fact that no one checked on her for a period of 12 hours its not even funny! No one thought "Hey we havent heard from MIL in rm XXX until now how about sticking your head in there to see if shes ok?" Un freakin believeable! Will wonders never cease?!
Im going to post a little...wel not so little checklist because you have give a definate heads up to me and others here that I think needs to be addressed post haste! And I hope you and your lovely wife get some much needed relief soon. But in the meantime please do come set a spell with us there are lots of ideas in here some wonderful people who are ready willing and able to try and help you and your wife solve any problems that might arise during your CG routine
Here is the link I think everyone should take a look at before placing a LO in an ALF

http://www.aging-parents-and-elder-care.com/Pages/Check...d_Living_Chklst.html