I don't know how angry I am, if I even need to be posting this any where.

My father has never in my life had time for me, he was always more concerned about the kids he was coaching on his football team, or the women he was chasing behind my mother's back, all while she was raising 3 kids and driving a school bus. He was never home, when he did come home there was always booze on his breathe. I was always the designated kid to go with him, when he would go off on his saturday jaunts. He always had a reasonable excuse, helping the tennis coach, coaching the basketball team during evening practice, scouting football games. He would leave the house with me in tow, my poor mother deluded herself into thinking that he would not meet up with a girlfriend if he had his daughter with him. She does not know about this to this day, nor shall I ever share it with her. But he would park his car at some school function, and leave me in it, for hours, in the heat, with no food or drink. No place for a potty break. Hours and hours later after he had his fill of the flavor of the day, he would come back to me and take me home. I was always elated to see him coming back, I had no idea what he was doing, or where he may have gone. I just thought that he was around somewhere coaching something. I have bladder and urinary issues to this day from having to hold it in the car while I waited and waited. Never an apology, never an excuse. I was young about 7-8, trusting, always the good girl. This type of thing continued during my school days, in other ways though. I never grew up feeling special to my Dad, my sister did for some reason, but not me, ever. I have never had a close relationship with him,ever. Now that I am a grandmother and have spent many years, trying to get away from him. Not answering the phone, knowing he was calling because my sister had put him up to it never wanting to carry on a fake conversation between two people who did not know each other. He has spent many years, abusing the relationships he has with my brother and sister. Now, he is an old alchoholic, with dementia, diabetic also, never eats right, I am sure that his sugar is off the charts right now. He falls asleep while he is driving, he gets lost easily, weaves all over the road. He is pulled over, and somehow convinces the officer in charge that he needs an escort home, and he gets one. They never question his health, or why he is all over the road. I am in mortal fear that he is going to hurt some innocent person, someone just starting out their own life, while he has lived his and had many chances to make everything right, many promises, that never panned out.

He now has as staph infection in his arm, the Dr., told him yesterday that if he did not care for it correctly, that he could die from it. He was in the ER last night, I am sure they tried to persuade him to stay in the hospital, but he came back home. He has no money to get his scripts filled, because he trusted some skanky woman, who cleaned out his bank account, this is not the first time this has happened, she has stolen over $27,000. from him. We have all begged him, threatened him and whatever we could think of to get him to stop seeing this person, he promised he would and within 2 weeks he would be back under her spell. He told us it was none of our business, that he was in total control of himself and he would do what he wanted. He has been very mean and cruel, to the point of me not speaking to him since Christmas Eve, when he pulled a doozy. I was hurt and ashamed, and had decided that he was on his own, from then on out, I was not going to have him constantly pulling my chains and starting the pain over and over again.
I did offer to pay for his medication this morning, he finally let my sister pick it up for him. I hope the staph can be controlled, sister told me this morning that it is spreading all over his body. If that is the case, he may not last long. She said he is very sick. I am going to call him in the morning, to check on him.

The hospice nurse told me today, that if I can get him evaluated, they can come in and make sure he gets the right medication, takes it, and they can also help us with him,,,,how, I have not clue. After anyone would be there for over 30 minutes, they would get up and leave, he is verbally abusive, an extreme flirt, to the point of embarassment. He is 75, and will not acknowledge it.

I dont know what we are going to do with him, or how we can help him. I hate to say this, but I do not want to be around him, dementia or not.
I have had it, and I get ill every time he comes around.

My Mom said it correctly this afternoon,"he is an alchoholic", it is true. He has made the decisions that have brought him to this place. I do agree that his mind is not right, he even knows it, and keeps telling my sister that something is wrong in his head. I believe it is alchohol related dementia.

Right now, I have no idea what is going to happen to him, I hate to think that he is sitting in that house, alone, and suffering from the pain and infection from this staph. He told us he wanted it this way, I dont have the strength or feelings to go there and make him go back to the hospital. But tomorrow is another day, and I could well be over there packing him into my car and taking him back to the ER.

I know this is long, but if my story, helps others understand why kids don't come around their parents in old age, this is one of the stories. I just don't think I am the type of person who can take him in my home, and wipe the slate clean. Way too much pain, though I worry for him, I dont want him to die this way.

Blue, your brother probably sees the way your Dad is acting as the way he has always behaved. He probably thinks your are making excuses for your father, blaming a disease, because you have the peacemaker's gene. He thinks it is you who is in denial. He is seeing your Dad as the same man who hurt all of you repeatedly since you were all young.

I don't think you will persuade him about this. Truely, Dad is now suffering with some form of dementia, but it doesn't sound as if he has changed much because of it.

I hope you can enjoy a nice day with your grands . Hugs,

Mae, I my Mama always said "two wrongs don't make a right", it is true!

I am going to spend the day with my kids and grandkids, when Dad called me this morning, I told him I would not be at the hospital because I was going to be with them, he said "then you go ahead and do what you want to do, don't think about me", it was spoken in a hateful manner. To myself, I said, that's just what's going to happen. I will call him this evening.

His mind is going in circles, part manic, part regret that he doesn't have his affairs in order in his mind, and part regret that he can't hook up with his fair weather friends. I have stopped trying to explain things to him, and am going to tell him what he needs to hear to calm him down. I will be speaking to his nurse shortly.

I don't know what we are going to do, it will be hard to get POA so we can get him into a care facility, he will fight it bitterly. We may have to go before a judge to have him declared incompetent. He wants his truck, which I took and parked at his house and I have the keys, he has no business driving. It will be the total undoing of what we have left, if you can call it a family.

My brother is not communicating because of a rift they had last week. I spoke with him and his wife yesterday trying once again to explain dementia to them, they looked at me like I was stupid and from another planet. They always think they know more than the rest of us. I can't be worrying about those things, that is on his back not mine.

Hope you have a great day Mae!

BlueWaterBeach, you do what ever feels right in your heart.

I use to tell my kids 2 wrongs do not make a right.That seems to be what you are feeling.

Dochka, you are all helping me get my mind in the right place. I am in control, I do see it, thanks for uplifting me and reminding me of the woman I am!!!!!

Though, I am sure that I will be back whining about my Dad, its just the nature of the beast.

Mae, too well do I understand the scars that your poor Mama had to carry, the pain and anguish. We did without so much, because of my father's partying life choices.

My grandmother was a wonderfully awesome woman, who taught me how to be strong when my Mom couldn't. She showed me how to hold my head up, and be proud, to be the best wife and Mom that I could be. I miss her so.

I have a wonderful H and family, I have been blessed far more than I could ever be convinced that I deserve, my adult life has been good. Maybe that is one of the reasons I have been able to put the pain from my Dad aside. My H has always been more than willing to do anything to include my Dad. When we used to travel near his home, he would always ask if I wanted to call and stop by to see him. I thanked him and told him I had no desire.

As I said earlier in an above post, I will see to it that I can help provide for his basic needs, though I will not help him continue his lifestyle.

Thanks for sharing about your life, there are so many who had it much worse than I ever thought about. I appreciate your thoughts so much. You are a sweet one!

BC, I am looking at this situation a little differently today. Maybe my spilling it all here has helped me purge and get on with it all.

Yes, the pain will always be there. I have only told one person in my life about these times growing up. Not even my H, my Sister, Brother, or Mother,OMGOSH, my mother would be so hurt and upset that she sent me with him not knowing he was leaving me alone in that car. I just see no point in telling her, she has fought for years to get him out of her heart and mind. Today, she is strong about it and has a wonderful husband.

Thanks for the thoughts, and making me feel better, big big big hugs!!!!!!!

BG, your words have helped me more than you will ever know.

I have forgiven him, I just have not been able to forget. I will help him, to see that he has the things he needs, if he continues on, and he will, I am going to try my best to be the loving compassionate person I am.

Just because he has been this way all of my life, does not mean that I have to walk in his trench, or carry bitterness through my life.

Actually, I think bitterness is my harbor, it surely is not going to make me a healthy person, or have an easy walk through the rest of my life. I can give in to it, or I can get past it, getting past it seems to be the correct answer.

Thank you Hunny Bunny for your loving, kind words, I needed to hear them.

MB, I wish that I could reach out to those young fathers who are screwing up their children. If I could touch one person to change, it would be so worth it!!!

Thanks for reading this long long post!!!!!1

Blue WaterBeach, Your story resignates with so many.My father abandoned my mother with two young children.He had a gal in every port and father 6 oter children.He left my mother to carry the burden and scars that she carried to her grave.
To me they are parents and have no right to the title of dad.
He never supported any of us.He knew how to bullshit the baker to get a bun.
My brother had to discover for himself what he was.He wanted to believe my mother caused the hardship we lived.He doscovered for himself , no more communications did they have.I told them to tell him all I wanted was his life insurance to pay for all the years he did nothing
I made up my mind that he was never to ask me for anything.Not compassion , nothing.
Your experience is awful.You had to have so many scars .It is not unusual for kids to have to take care of these kinds of people in the end.
Just know, this is your choice.Put no shoulds into the decission.He is not going to respect you any more then he did when you were a kid.But you do not need his respect.He is the one with all the baggage that hurt so many.
You do what you truly want to do.Do not put your self in a position that you do not have your heart.
TO ME THOSE WHO CHOSE THIS PATH, MADE THEIR BED AND HAVE TO LIVE IN IT.
They do not take care of them selves and then the task is brought home to the children who they showed no respect.
What ever you decide, you will do it with a good heart.

It's very difficult to resolve issues from childhood when you are an adult child of an alchoholic. I know this personally. Just as you felt useless to control the situation then, you feel worse as an adult when you think you should be able to!
Alchoholism is a disease that ruins not only the alchoholic but the entire family. It's affect is astounding and inescapable.

In my opinion YOU make the choices now!
Whether to help him or not is YOUR decision.
You are no longer that poor little girl trapped in that car. YOU CHOOSE! YOU follow your instincts which will never fail you, trust yourself, YOU are in control NOW!

YOU are stronger for what you have gone through in your life. YOU are in control now!!!

PS: I am glad you posted this. It can help so many!

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DOCHKA,

Blue, some mysteries can't be solved. Today, people who regularly see a child left unattended in that way would have some one in jail for abuse and neglect. Back then, people didn't interefere. He is probably too far gone to see you as the wonderful person you are, whether because of him or in spite of him. You probably are Mother's little spy and always will be to him. He will not understand why you are forgiving him,,,but...

Forgive him for your own sake. You turned out to be a loving, kind, generous, and responsible Lady. As BG said, he played some part in that, even if by default.

I am so sorry.

Sorry, Blue. You got a sh*tty deal with your old man and the sad thing is, he gave himself the worst deal of all - the privilege of dying sick, miserable and alone. I wish more young fathers who are in the process of screwing up their lives and hurting their children with their neglect would read stories like yours, see themselves and straighten the heck up before, like your dad, it's just too late.

Oh honey I am so very sorry this is your story now I can see why you are such a loving soul....
I bet you know deep down what I am going to say to you though dont you Blue...
Forgive him.
Every time I come across a story like this I want you to know something, in MOST cases the wife knew and my bet is this is exactly the reason why you were packed up to go with him each and every time. Now whether that was moms idea or dads to throw mom off Lord only knows...
This is an unfortunate thing you had to deal with but I want you to look at this in another way would you sweetie?
You are a better person for it.
You would never do something so callous or thoughtless to those you love.
Lesson #1 he left you sitting in that car
He taught you patience and perseverance
Lesson#2 He cheated on your mom and his kids
He taught you how not to be, so in some small way he taught you morality
Lesson #3 He was mean and cruel to you
He taught you how to be compassionate and loving towards others by not following his example.
Get my drift sweetheart?
Sometimes they are not the most stellar examples of what a parent should be or in what they teach us sometimes they teach us without saying anything at all....
Hope this helps in some small way